I don’t know what the fuck I am. I know I’ve had issues since childhood, but hadn’t considered it anything “medical” until around 11 years ago. My son was was having issues socially and behaviourally. Five years old, biting, extreme tantrums, hiding under school desks and refusing to come out etc. We were getting called into school almost weekly. School counsellor referred him for assessment. It was hard to work out what was trauma from his mother’s illness and death, two years before and what was, perhaps, something else. There was a significant level of clumsiness, quite extreme, visit to A&E type stuff. Dyspraxia was bandied about. I had to take him for the assessment (things were so bad, we jumped the queue). It was an almost all day affair, my partner was not allowed to come with us. He breezed through all the coordination tests, which shocked me. Anyway, late in the afternoon the psychologist in charge, took me into her office, leaving him playing with one of the others. Long conversation short: “ He’s almost certainly ASD, just like you.”
Bit taken aback, I protested.*
She laid out all my tells and masking behaviours, apparently she’d been assessing me as much as my son.
Anyway, just realising, has helped me moderate my behaviours. I have considered getting a formal diagnosis, even medication, but I’m a bit scared that I will lose my edge, the flashes of inspiration that have made me “successful “. Does that make sense? It costs me dearly, my relationship is falling apart, we’re essentially separated (putting up with me for 12 years is a big ask). I basically live alone, half way around the world.
So, my son was removed from the SENs register in Year 7. Got straight 9’s in his mocks (except the 6 in Eng Lit , which he hates), Captain of the school Rugby team, taller than me at 16, steady girlfriend for almost two years, friendship group seems to be almost all climbers and a couple years older than him etc etc. Hopefully he won’t have the shaky start to adult life I did. Going through military basic training at 18, put me on the right path; but I think the early understanding and learning to manage his behaviours, as a child, is a much better start.
I think I exhibit some ADHD characteristics but more ASD, a little worried that there’s a hint of Bipolar, seem to have managed with a few short (12 monthish) bouts on Fluoxetine over the last three decades. Only once truly experienced suicidal feelings, 25 years ago now, but climbed back to the correct side of the 14th floor balcony railings, without help. Oh, and I was P7R (medically downgraded) on discharge (1997) with PTSD, but not had much issue with that after a short resurgence during my wife’s late stage illness and death, 13 years ago.
Sounds like I’m a complete mess, doesn’t it? Not at all.
I function very well, 90% of the time. Never crumble during a crisis, though I might need a quiet room to scream in when things calm down. I have learned to see the bad stuff coming and move to mitigate, even avoid. Simply knowing why I feel the way I do, helps me to suppress it and redirect. Recognise an angry rant is rising and shove it into a stand-up routine. Grab a pencil and start drawing. Throw myself into a difficult, absorbing, problem. So, I’m only a bit odd, quirky, not a raving lunatic.
I should not, probably, have written that, publicly. However, I’m fairly sure, after all these years, I’m not particularly different from many of my colleagues. When I first got to the Boardroom, 25 years ago, I was quite shocked by the prevalence of angry, sweary, rants; from all around the table. A quarter of a century late and a few different tables, seems the same. So, I just call it” being passionate and driven” and get on with shit.
* I mean, I’m Mr Successful, Mr Take Charge, blah blah blah. Ok, so I crash occasionally (literally sit in a dark room for a couple of days, hardly eat). Ok, so I have jumped from job/role to job/role over and over (that’s just how I got my “broad experience and knowledge base, right? Literally having to rebuild my life from scratch, losing partners/relationships and friends). Obsessing over my latest hobby, spending vast amounts on it, racing through training phases to get to the highest point I can, then, after doing something reasonably top level in that field, decide I’m never going to top that and dump the whole thing. Ranting like a lunatic in the workplace is just normal, right? Being unable to write or speak without a bewildering number of segues, nested clauses and superfluous detail, isn’t the least bit odd, yeah? The arm waving thing is just my (actually quire remote) Italian ancestry and all passionate people stamp their foot like a toddler, when frustrated, don’t they? I’m fucking lucky I actually produce results and have the odd good idea, because even I know I’m a nightmare to work with or for. My team, I think, forgive me, because my Denis Leary style rants about shit that’s pissing us all off, seem to release tension and have most in hysterics.
