[nik at work]

I can't believe I missed this thread first time round, it's a fucking gold mine. I will be awarding waddage shortly. However first my tale. It would seem that the essential elements of the events related thus far are:
Booze
Shit
Vomit
Sex (ideally in some deviant fashion)
Piss
Humiliation
Relationship breakdown

I think I can cover most of these bases with my 21st.

I was at the time a student at the fine establishment of learning that is Sheffield University and the plan for the weekend was thus. Saturday late afternoon the parentals would arrive with the girlfriend of the time (of the time, subtle clue hey?) and her parents. We would all go out for a meal then all the parents would bugger off and me and the lady (although perhaps not as much of a lady as I thought, see further on) would return to my house where my wonderfull friends were laying on a small social gathering by way of celebration.
The venue of choice for the meal with the parents was a Thai place in Broomhill, the Bahn Nahn (I think?). At this point it is worth stating the merely mentioning Thai fishcakes still causes a not insignificant sweep of nausea. Anyway back to the tale. Numerous Thai fishcakes were consumed along with various forms of alcohol (champagne, wine, beer, some spirit thing which wasn't very nice). So by the end of the meal I am both full of rich fish based food and well oiled. The parents drift of into the early evening, I have a hazy memory that I might have waved as they departed. I only wish they had taken me with them, but alas no, we instead returned to my house. It would seem that the afforementioned social gathering was going to be on a slightly grander scale than I had anticipated, and here was me thinking I didn't have many friends. How nice to see so many faces I just didn't recognise at all. At this point my sensible fuse should have blown and my drinking abated to be replaced with a vague sense of house protection. But no, I was young and lacking such wisdom so instead I managed to spend the (short) time that I spent at the party developing some hazy and poorly recalled memories of "dancing" and "enjoying a couple of drinks". Suffice it to say my limited capacity for alcohol was very soon well and truly exceeded and I felt spectacularly drunk. And joy of joys the lady-friend was equally inhebriated. Both feeling the pace we made an early, stumbling exit to bed. At the time I occupied one of a pair of attic rooms and in an attempt to prevent unfortunate incidents occurring within said rooms my fellow attic dweller and I had placed a lock on the door at the bottom of the stairs leading up to the attic. How very cunning. The failing of the plan was that it could only be locked from below. I.e. once someone had gone up to bed the attic was no longer secure. All a bit academic anyway as I couldn't find my key so just ripped the door open and the lock ripped out of the wall. Anyway to the bedroom where drunken sleep awaited, however young drunk couples have certain amorous expectations to be satisfied before sleep could be considered. Details about the following activities are sketchy at best but let us skip on to the next point of significant note. It involves somewhat canine positioning and an unconventional insertion option. Sadly at this point the female in question is overcome with nausea and is rather colourfully and violently sick across the bed, this causes an almost instantaneous vomit response from me, all over her back. In and of itself this is shameful enough. However an equally horny (if somewhat less vomit strewn) couple have wandered up to the attic in the hope of finding a quiet area for physical intimacy and choose the moment of hurl to peer round the door. We now appear as some Romanesque vomitorium perverts of the highest order.
Anyway ardour well and truly dampened we both collapse to sleep in pools of our own fetid vomit. Awakening in the morning we discover that in addition to entirely vomit covered bodies during our period of sleep there had been urine and faeces based incidents (it would be indiscrete of me to suggest who had done what). I will stop there, and only add the following snippets:
1) Our relationship limped on for a time but really it was over that night
2) Our spectators were apparently of a more liberal mind than we thought as their desire for intimacy was undiminished. Unfortunately they apparently expressed this intimacy in forms of what I believe is termed "piss play" in my housemates bed

[fatdoc]

*cries of laughter*

tiz a shame the best non climbing post of the year has been placed so early in the year, I defy anyone to better this

waddage

[Will Hunt]

Two genius posts there.

Did anybody hear the drunken fart from Lagers at about 28 seconds in? 

[magpie]

This thread's brilliant, it made my day. 

I, being a lady, have nothing to add. 

[GCW]

The only first tale that comes to mind was when I was at secondary school, probably aged 14 or so.  To get there I used to cycle to a friend's house, then walk 5 minutes to the station, then half an hour on the train.

On the way home one day I had some gut-related illness.  I managed to clench my sphincter all the way on the train (no toilets), but walking back to my friend's place I developed sphinter exhaustion and a bit of diarrheoa popped out.  Needless to say it stank.
In order to save embarrassment (?) I opted to sprint to my mate's to get the bike.  He must have wondered what was going on when one second we were walking and talking, the next I ran away in a cloud of shitty smell.
So I grabbed the bike and escaped.  Unfortunately, cycling and avoiding defaecation ain't easy, so a merciless release of bowel contents was unavoidable.  Ever cycled with diarrhoea filled underwear?  It's not nice, the feeling is grim.
Anyway, I cycled the 10 minutes home, shit dripping out the bottom of my trousers and presented myself at the back door, which my mother opened.

Somehow the fact she pissed herself with laughter just made it worse 

[SA Chris]

Just remembered a classic that a mate of mine performed a couple of years back.

He works locally, and was out for a run from his office at midday, following his usual circuit up past the river Dee. Mid run he releases what he thinks is a fart, and promptly shits his pants. At this point he panics as he has to go through main reception to get to showers, and has no phone or anything with him, just security pass. So he ducks into bushes next to river bank, strips off, puts shorts and shoes aside and discards soiled keks, and wades into river to rinse off. At this point he thinks he is safe, as he is out of view from the road, but forgets that a river has two sides and gets some funny looks from dog walkers on the other side, so he turns and waves, wades out of water, dries off as best he can, puts shorts back on and runs back to office.

(and no, it's not me, I don't do jogging).

[lagerstarfish]

The Alain Robert thread just reminded me of this...
I was doing rope access work in Hong Kong (1995ish). We were doing a hammer-tap survey of Wanchai Tower on Harbour Road. Wanchai Tower is one of the government buildings, with the top couple of floors being dedicated to the Organised Crime busting team - this was the nearest toilets when working on the roof and it was a bit of hassle getting through their security just to have a piss. So I found a spot on the roof where I could wee straight into a drain hole near the edge of the roof.
After about a week of using this spot I found myself having a very satisfying slash whilst enjoying the peace and isolation of being on top of the city away from the crowds and watching a Hong Kong Kite (big bird) cruising the sky. I was interested to see the Kite attack its own reflection in the mirrored glass of Immigration Tower. Then it struck me that I was looking up at this spectacle - which meant that the offices behind the glass provided a clear view looking down on my regular piss hole.
This wasn't just a couple of offices, this was 10 floors worth of the side of a big building, not to mention the other big buildings that overlook Wanchai Tower. The buildings round there are pretty close together, so anyone looking out of any one of the many windows would have had a very clear view of me confidently pissing away. As this thought dawned on me, I started to chuckle at my stupidity; which turned into uncontrollable laughter (piss still flowing). I managed to finish my slash and gave a wave and a smile to the people that I couldn't see behind the glass and quickly jumped onto my ropes on the other side of the building.
I worked out that I had probably used that spot at least 20 times and have often wondered about who might have been enjoying the "Diet Coke" moments that I supplied. I particularly wonder what they must have thought when I cracked up laughing and waved at them.
I guess that seeing Alain Robert's tiny penis after witnessing my python can only disappoint the secretaries of HK.

I've marked the approximate location of my weewee spot on the roof with an arrow - you can see how the adjacent buildings overlook it (I don't remember the huge building with the antenna though?)

[Fiend]

Details about the following activities are sketchy at best but let us skip on to the next point of significant note.

Nik you are both a gentleman and a genius.

Lagers you are just a genius.

Chris I have a friend of a friend with a variation on that tale. This....character was out in a local park one fine day (or possibly night) and found himself overcome with the runs. Instead of attempting conventional tactics like "hiding behind a tree" or "squatting in the bushes", he removed several of his garments and waded into a nearby stream. This chap is in the music industry not the rocket science industry so hadn't really calculated the different effects of solid vs. liquid releases in such an enviroment and upon release ended up surrounded by a fetid oil slick of diarrhoea. I've never been told what happened next, nor, more importantly, why he ever though the stream option was the best idea.


Magpie, a lady, yeah, suuurrrrre.



P.S. I feel highly ashamed of myself and my life that I have nothing further to contribute in my previous vein. I shall attempt to remedy that.

[Teaboy]

I may have little to contribute to the bouldering threads but I do have a tale of prolonged embarassement from a few years ago.

Knowing that the night bus from Arequipa to Lima was to be a pretty uncomfortable journey I  decided a bag of cocoa leaves would help to pass the time. Although reputed to do all sorts of good stuff I was pretty unimpressed on the first few hours of the journey along the Pan American Highway, in fact, I was pretty sure that they had had no effect on me whatsoever. Given the calm way I dealt with y subsequent tribulations I can only assume that wasn't the case and that, in fact, they may have been a contributory factor in my down fall.

Some time in the early hours the bus stopped at a services on the road, not a gleaming Welcome Break with overpriced coffee and pr0n mags but it did at least have a brightly lit cafe which everyone from the over crowded bus piled into. Fed and watered I went to avail myself of the toilets and this is really where the place let itself down. Such was the rank state of them I was not even prepared to stand and have a slash in there and instead decided to nip around the side for an al fresco piss. Stood there, under a full moon, and faced with swell of the mighty Atlantic not more than 50 meters away and a few meters below I was over taken by the urge to go for a paddle and I gingerly started to make my way down to the water's edge. I'd only taken a few steps before I felt the sensation of falling quickly followed by the sensation of rolling down some scree. Once I'd skidded to a halt I turned to review my journey. Now, with the moon behind me, I could see that there was a 20 foot vertical cliff separating the cafe from the sea. With my passport and posesssions on the bus I began to panic, all thoughts of paddling left my head and I set about getting back up the cliff which consisted of rounded pebbles embedded in mud. Necessity and luck eventually got me to the top without further mishap and I was delighted to see my fellow travellers still there when I staggered back in to the cafe. They, however, seemed less pleased to see me. I assumed they had been oblivious to my excursion and although I guessed I was looking a bit dishevelled I couldn't work out what the commotion was about. It was only now, in the light and with danger passed that I was able to properly take stock. I looked down at myself to see that I was covered, head to toe, in some blue gloopy chemical stuff and shit. It was now apparent that I'd fallen into, down and along the open sewerage outlet from the toilets which, quarter of an hour earlier, I'd been two proud to have a slash in!

After much gesticulation I managed to negotiate my way back on to the bus but only after I'd stripped to boxers and vest. Luckly I'd come prepared and had in my hand luggage a sleeping bag. My fellow passangers were less lucky. As well as being crowded two to a seat at either end of the bus (in order to get as far away from my stench as possible, the two rows in front of and behind me were both empty!) they also thought it preferable to leave all the windows open despite the near freezing temps. I was even able to get some sleep until being awoken by a machine gun toting man in army uniform. As the only gringo on the bus I had to go to some sort of passport type control as we entered Lima, this was the time when the Sendero Luminos were active. Pulling back my sleeping bag he made it clear I was to dress before coming to his office so I got back into my fetid clothes (now covered in coaco leaves, I'd shoved them in that bag as it was plastic and thus shit proof) trooped over to the passport control office. I got as far as the door before the military man looked up at me and shouted something like, I'm guessing here, "Get out you stinking, shit covered, bastard". He decided to dispense with the formality of the passport check and and I got back on to the bus for the final short hop into Lima bus station where my ordeal ended and I was able to get at my rucksac from the depths of the bus' boot.

The saddest thing about recounting this tale on here is that I had to choose between it and another incident from the same holiday when I literally shat myself at the bottom of Alpamayo and had to endure the climb and subsequnt 3 day journey back to my guest house in Huraz in shit encrusted Buffalo salopettes.

[Falling Down]

 

[lagerstarfish]

Not sure if this counts, as we did it deliberately.

On Sunday evening the VERY pregnant (and overdue) Mrs Starfish was complaining about being not having anything fun to do and not knowing what she wanted to eat. I have been abstaining from beer in support of her situation, so was not in a position to provide my usual entertaining performances.

We live within a couple of hundred yards of both a KFC and a McD's. They both have drive throughs. Since we hadn't ever used either drive through we decided that it would be pointless and silly and therefore possibly fun to drive the 30 seconds to both drive throughs and buy a meal at each. Just to make it more fun I decided to wear socks AND sandals 

It kept us amused for half an hour.

I am so ashamed on several levels


PS
3 pc variety meal with Pepsi and a McChicken meal with still Fanta; in case you were wondering.

[Will Hunt]

One step away. 

[Fiend]

 ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???

As someone who has not eaten any fast-food takeaways this year, I am actually lost for words Lagers, despite there being a very obvious conclusion / progression from this event.

[lagerstarfish]

??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???

As someone who has not eaten any fast-food takeaways this year, I am actually lost for words Lagers, despite there being a very obvious conclusion / progression from this event.

You're right.

I'll text/phone you if we do it again. Sorry for being so thoughtless.

[slackline]

??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???

As someone who has not eaten any fast-food takeaways this year, I am actually lost for words Lagers, despite there being a very obvious conclusion / progression from this event.

You're right.

I'll text/phone you if we do it again. Sorry for being so thoughtless.

 

[tommytwotone]

Nice work - especially on the sandal / sock combo, but gotta as what are you doing going there Lagers?

I thought it was hot curry that was meant to induce labour, not fried chicken / beef patties...

[Jaspersharpe]

As someone who has not eaten any fast-food takeaways this year.......

Yeah Fiend always eats in for the full McXperience.

[magpie]

I think that story is more sweet than embarrassing 

[lagerstarfish]

but gotta as what are you doing going there Lagers?

I thought it was hot curry that was meant to induce labour, not fried chicken / beef patties...

Curry, chilli, spicy salads, tom yam soup etc twice a day every day left her wanting a change.

[lagerstarfish]

I think that story is more sweet than embarrassing 

You learning from this, Fiend?

[magpie]

Curry, chilli, spicy salads, tom yam soup etc twice a day every day left her wanting a change.

Pineapple!  There are more things you can eat too, I just can't remember off hand, I can find out for you if you're still waiting.  Another is possibly raspberry leaf tea, or something similar?

[lagerstarfish]

Pineapple! 

She was chopping one up when I last saw her

[Will Hunt]

I'm looking forward to a new entry to the future wad on the scene thread.

[Fiend]

Gimme a bell next time you're going out for, say, oysters. I eat more oysters than I do fast food burgers at the moment. Dunno what they'd do for Mrs Lagers tho.

[Nim]

Lagers - try some clary sage oil on an oil burner.  My friend is a midwife and she reckons it works everytime (to the point that pregnant women are advised not to go near it until their due date).