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Game For A Laugh! (Read 68016 times)

Houdini

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Game For A Laugh!
May 29, 2006, 01:32:17 pm
As you might have guessed, I only use computers for fun and not to earn money, and that's why I can get away with this kind of shit (without Simpkin's from Accounts giving me a hard time):

We all enjoy ripping-the-shit out of each other; but just how much shit are you prepared to rip out of yourself in the name of raising a smile on the faces of your fellow internet spazztards?

                                     "Rid-i-cule is nothing to be scared of!"    Adam Ant.

And with that quote in mind, allow me get the turd rolling with my own tale of derring doo-doo.

Once upon a time, in a lavatory far far from here, I was hunched above the porcelain doing my number two's and The Guardian crossword.  My ablutions came to an end, and I left the little boy's room in hunt of food.  However, something smelled out of place...

"Can you smell shit?"  I asked my girlfriend.
"Well, yes, you've left a right stink in the loo!"
"No, no!  I mean in here!"
"I can't smell anything in here, love."  She replied.
But I was adamant, "Show me your shoes!  I bet you've brought dogshit in the house again, haven't you!?"
"Well, I'll have a look...                                                 ...nope, nothing!", She replied with relief, "Ask Christoph."
I scooted to our flatmates' room, "Dude, show me your shoes!  I tell ja, man, someone's dragged shit into the house!"
He scrutinized the soles of his shoes, before replying, "Not me, mate."
"Crap!  It must've been you!  I can smell it in here too!", I countered.
Checking and sniffing his shoes for the second time, "No way man!  What about you?!"

'This is weird', I thought.  It was then that I remembered I'd used the toilet but minutes ago. I rushed to the full-length mirror in the hall, turned the light on, and Lo!   There it was!  Evidently I had forgotten to wash my hands and itched my nose soon after, and as my reflection could prove beyond all reasonable doubt...   

                                                                                                                ...I'd given myself a Dirty Sanchez, soon after wiping!




Shit gets around, doesn't it?   I've been laughed at in more than one country for this one.   Thank God I never got as far as making breakfast!


 
Right, now it's your turn!
« Last Edit: May 29, 2006, 06:36:01 pm by Houdini »

andy_e

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#1 Re: Game For A Laugh!
May 29, 2006, 01:46:00 pm
Suddenly,  "Spouting shit since 1972" seems to have come true...

Houdini

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#2 Re: Game For A Laugh!
May 29, 2006, 01:49:09 pm
C'mon Andi, you ain't playin' by the rules!

Take the piss out of YOURSELF.  I've think I've done enough to myself already.

andy_e

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#3 Re: Game For A Laugh!
May 29, 2006, 01:55:48 pm
Well, I usually wait for someone to insult me before taking the piss out of myself... I've got no "put you off whilst you're eating" stories or indeed any other kind, I'm just an idiot in general. A tactless, over-enthusiastic boy with no common sense what so ever.

Most of the time, I don't need to take this piss out of myself, others do it for me. Saves me the hassle.

 :boohoo:

Houdini

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#4 Re: Game For A Laugh!
May 29, 2006, 02:25:46 pm
Take the piss out of YOURSELF.  I've think I've done enough to myself already.

Evidently - under the rule outlined above (and only under said rule) - I'm twice the man you are!


Must I embarrass myself further before you all spill the beans?

So be it!



#2:

I once worked for the Co-op in a distribution warehouse.  And one time I was packing some frozen foodstuffs into an enormous icebox on trolley wheels (the co-op used these to keep their hams etc.. frozen til they could be delivered and put in the shop deli freezer).

After changing the now defrosted, large (fluid filled) aluminium cooling slabs in the top of the icebox with fully frozen ones, for some inexplicable reason, and please don't question me on this as I truly - honestly - have no fucking idea as to what possessed me to commit such an act of terminal dumb-assery, but I stuck my tongue out...     yeah!   ...and licked the aluminium plate!   

Fuck me!

Yep!  There I was!  Glued fast to this sub-zero piece of metal!

Recognising the aloneness of my predicament: there was no co-worker in sight to piss in my mouth, I pulled back my head sharpish.  Looking to the plate, I saw immediately what the underside of a strip of frozen tastebuds resemble, as the blood sprayed forth!

For the rest of the day I had no idea what to do:  I found it hard to keep my mouth shut as the tongue would not stop bleeding; and keeping it open tortured it with cold air.

Eventually, it stopped bleeding.  And there I was, a twat of the highest order, having just been taught a very very important lesson in life.  Acting on impulses can, and will, damage your health!



C'mon!  Are you men or mice?  I know I'm not the only dumb-schmuck on this forum!
« Last Edit: June 01, 2006, 03:36:50 pm by Houdini »

Bubba

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#5 Re: Game For A Laugh!
May 29, 2006, 05:46:06 pm
Yesterday I was fitting some new brakes to my downhill bike.

I was trying to remove a rather awkward cable tie from the frame with a pair of scissors. Suddenly the cable tie pinged and the scissors plunged downwards....straight into my other arm. Holy fuck, I've just stabbed myself  :o

Luckily, my bone stopped them going all the way through my arm, but as you can imagine I was a little worried as the blood started spewing forth and I went into shock and started feeling rather odd.

A quick phone to Fatdoc had him racing round to check me out. Luckily, the puncture had just missed some nerves by about a centimetre so I won't need to go to hospital :)

Oddly it didn't really hurt, but I do feel a bit silly. Just lucky it didn't go into my leg which was below the arm I reckon.

Nibile

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#6 Re: Game For A Laugh!
May 29, 2006, 06:16:09 pm
in 2003 i was working in a bank in rome. hot, sweaty summer with temps up to 43°.
i hated that work.
no climbing.
no surfing.
so, one day, i found this friends email with a picture showing a big south west swell getting in. i immediately took the afternoon off faking i was sick, and jumped onto a train. got home four hours later, said hello to a shocked girlfriend, packed my car and said goodbye to get to the sea. next day i surfed the whole day overhead in tropical climate. in the night there was a party for a friend of mine who had become lawyer. it was a SURPRISE PARTY. or it was supposed to be, cos as i paddled in, i realized i was a bit late for the party, and found nothing better than calling the girl and say: hey i will be late for the party tonite, but be sure ill be there. she said: what party? surprise gone.
then,
i got to the party and realized i was the only one without suit and tie. in fact i had a t-shirt, shorties and flip flops. i was burned by the sun and completely numb. i also realized her father wanted to kill me for the surprise phone call to his daughter...
after one glass of beer i was fucked.
later, as i went for some water, there were the girls father and her uncle talking at the table. they were minding their own business, but as i was pouring water, i thought i heard her father saying to me: water? not tonite! like he was meaning i had to be happy and party hard. so, i leaned over the table and screamed right in his face: DONT WORRY STARTING FROM NOW IM HAVING ONLY WHISKEY!!! exploding in a laugh while the whole party froze.

then i decided to go home.

SA Chris

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#7 Re: Game For A Laugh!
May 30, 2006, 11:37:00 am
In for a penny....

Saturday we were at Bowden, where the wind was howling, as it often does, but it was really howling, I was blown off my feet at one point. Nature called, as it always does, so I snuck off to the dry stone wall to relieve myself. I faced downwind, but failed to take into account the turbulent effect of the wind blowing against the wall, so managed the spray myself with a decent jet, even managing some on my glasses, as I was in full flow and unable to cut it off. I had to go for a walk to "look at a route" before returning to where my friends where.

Houdini

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#8 Re: Game For A Laugh!
May 31, 2006, 08:09:41 am
Nearly 1000 members . . .                                         

. . . yet so few prepared to raise a smile at their own expense . . .




Is this a case of people being prepared to 'dish it out', in triplicate?  But unable or unwilling to 'take it on the chin'?


Pah!


I've slipped on banana skins in crowded places . . .

One time on the loo, dealing with that 'morning-after' feeling, I managed to gross myself out so comprehensively with the pong that I vommed straight into the boxers around my ankles.     At a very posh friends house . . .

One time I took a boot at a dog that had taken a snap at my leg, I was barefoot, the dog was quicker than I and I kicked the slate wall behind it and broke a toe . . .


Fuck, I've even stepped onto a garden rake and saw more stars than Neil Armstrong!



Schadenfreude is funny!  C'mon!
« Last Edit: May 31, 2006, 08:15:24 am by Houdini »

SA Chris

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#9 Re: Game For A Laugh!
May 31, 2006, 08:23:36 am

Houdini

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#10 Re: Game For A Laugh!
May 31, 2006, 08:51:06 am
Ooooooooooo....  That's gotta hurt!  It really does!




Reckon that the text on the side of Side-show Bobs' (or as they call him in The Reich, "Tingle-Tangle Bob" eh?) trailer is the beginning of U - T O S S E R.

Yossarian

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#11 Re: Game For A Laugh!
May 31, 2006, 07:39:32 pm
slipped on a banana skin? pah.... i have sleep climbed out of a second story window and shattered my calcaneus.

on the sleepwalking theme - first night having moved into new hall of residence at a certain london university, i decided to venture out drinking.  a huge quantity of horrendous liquids were put away. real tramp shit - cheap vodka and diamond white as i don't remember. my memory is then hazy, but involved vomiting, buses, fried food and possibly some damage to property (both public and private).  i do however remember getting back to my new home. however, what is indelibly marked on my memory was waking up with no clothes on in a stairwell, not knowing where the fuck i was.  i banged on a door which was answered by a very attractive girl.  i like to think that she was laughing with me.  unfortunately, the only sound that i could get out of my mouth was laughter.  i couldn't speak.  it was like my tongue had been injected with botox.  these days i wouldn't let something as irrelevant as dribbling drunken nakedness and a non-functioning tongue get in the way of me nailing some 18 year old hottie, but at the time i think i was quite embarrassed.  anyway, her and her friend wrapped me in a towel and eventually tracked down my room. after waking up half the building to see if they recognised the slobbering imbecile.

and a nice holiday story - when i was a bit drunk (and wired) on an island off belize i had the brilliant idea of organising a substantial drug deal with a man (i'd just met) called lion. when i woke up with a tremendous hangover the next morning my only thoughts were "oh not again you fucking idiot". so i gathered my possessions and ran away. luckily there were some marines waiting for the ferry too. i hid behind them...

actually, on that note, there's another (taking the piss out of friends more than yours truly, but hey) - having just ridden our pushbikes from calais to malaga, myself and my 3 idiot friends decided to celebrate.  many beers were consumed, and then some tequila, and friend number one has to go home. me, 2 and 3 continue drinking. now it's nasty spanish brandy and horrid cocktails.  we totally fail to pull in a number of bars, but that is not enough to douse the fire in the loin of number 2.  we enter another bar, and number 3 attempts to fall asleep on a sofa while i congratulate myself for not managing to injure myself sleepwalking or getting any electric shocks for a while.  meanwhile, number 2 is at the bar, explaining to the waitress that he would like to fuck her on top of the bar.  the owner appears, and beckons me over. it appears that the waitress is in fact his wife. however, far from being outraged, he appreciates the compliment and offers number 2 a card with details of a fine spanish brothel.  we pick up number 3 and find a taxi.  when we offer taxi driver the card he draws a blank, so number 2 screams "take me to fucky fucky".  taxi driver drives us to fuengirola, and deposits us outside a white concrete building.  the three enter.  after 2 minutes myself and number 3 exit, and number 3 starts vomiting against the wall.  various brothel creeps try to move him, but the liquid is really flowing.  suddenly, number 2 comes bounding out of the brothel, screaming "run, run".  we run. and the we notice him holding aloft a flowered bra... it turns out that, just as he was getting into the swing of things, the girl pressed a switch and a huge spaniard appeared.  number 2 correctly realised that his time was up, but decided to take a souvenir. anyway, we escaped unharmed, but found ourselves 15km from out campsite with no money.  number 3 decided that a light fingered hooker had stolen our kitty, and number 2 had paid for his evenings entertainment on his credit card. (not sure if they added the bra to his bill after the event). the night came to an end when we caught a taxi to about 400m past the campsite on the dual carriageway and then did a runner.

happy days

Houdini

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#12 Re: Game For A Laugh!
May 31, 2006, 07:57:23 pm
I will read all of your post, I will, but I only got as far as the phrase "real tramp shit" before spraying the screen with beer that is far too tasty to blow out of my nose!  Consider yourself wadded, dude!  :thumbsup:









Having read all, gotta say it, 'credit where credit's due!'  Hilarious post Yoss'.  That's what I'm after, Real Tramp Shit!  All of us, every single one of us, has been in situations that defy belief, rationale, and anything else you'd care to sight.  I want more!  I'm insatiable!

Now if you'll excuse me, I've more midget tossing to perform.
« Last Edit: May 31, 2006, 08:32:29 pm by Houdini »

andy_e

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#13 Re: Game For A Laugh!
May 31, 2006, 08:07:50 pm
I have also awarded you with waddage, and you too Houdini, for i now have aching sides.  :thumbsup:

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#14 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 01, 2006, 12:07:19 pm
Dear all, I do not know why I feel I should share this, out of the respect I for Yoss and Houdini and their tales I will…

I was once staying on a campsite with my (now) ex girlfriend when I woke in the dead of night with a bad feeling in my guts and some strange movements going on.
I immediately jumped (in just my boxers) up and set out across the pitch black campsite trying my hardest to remember where the tents were and made my way to the toilet block. Only thing is I didn't make it that far….

To my horror I started to see blotchy patches in front of my face and felt week and faint, next thing I know, im coming round, lying on the ground and ive SHIT MYSELF :o. NIGHTMARE!! :o

So I made some feeble attempts to clean myself up and bin my shitty pants at the toilet block then headed back to the tent, now naked, to fetch some shower gel and have a proper clean up, unfortunately I woke up the bird, which lead to me having to explain what had happened, and her insisting on helping me clean myself up. We split up shortly afterwards. :'(

Nibile

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#15 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 01, 2006, 12:30:11 pm
that reminds me something.
last august, one of my best friends got mad and got married. very very wealthy family. that meant a castle in the mid of chianti, all set up for dinner and party. aperitvo, with a buffet that could have ended poverty in mozambico. then dinner, a mere excuse for drinking excellent wine while singing obscenities. then the party. i was perfectly dresses in my best suit, and perfectly drunk. the last thing i remember (and its a fucking good memory) is leading a congo line half naked, bottle of whiskey in my right hand. then i dunno.

i woke up at the light of a cold dawn, under heavy rain. i was liying in the woods behind the castle, shirtless and covered in vomit. i struggled to feel if i was still alive. more or less alive. then i crawled back to the castle. i was alone. it was 7 30 am. i was 30 miles away from home. i found my jacket and went for help. luckily, there still were all the employees of the catering service, dismounting tables and stuff. i walked towards them and they looked like theyve just seen the devil. i asked: take me home.

so i got home, took two aspirines and went to bed. girlfriend was not at home. she got back in the afternoon a bit pissed, also about the fact that i was flirting with every girl at the party, actually trying to undress one in front of her. usual split occurred few afterwards, after five years living together.

two weeks after my death, i received this text message from my friend: dear lore, thank you so much for your performance at my ceremony. i just got back from honeymoon. all the guys from the catering service say hello to you.

andy_e

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#16 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 01, 2006, 01:54:48 pm
I remember an anecdote that has me feeling a little embarrased.

Last easter (2005) I was on a German Work Experience Exchange in Bonn. The first night there we went out with our exchange partners (obviously) for a few drinks at the local Jugendclub. It was a sort of "come down, play some music with your mates" kinda gig too. A few guys played a few tunes, then some lads began to rap. Being slightly under the influence of wonderful German beer, I asked if I could have a rap. Sure, they said. So here I was, in a random club in the middle of Germany, rapping in front of some guys I'e never met before, I can't even remember what ill rhymes I doped out, some freestyles I had heard and copied, I think some KRS lyrics were thrown in...

Thankfully, they were all drunk too, so everyone enjoyed it (or at least enjoyed laughing at it).

The beginning and end of my glorious HipHop career.

EDIT: I don't think I made it clear how utterly crap I am at rapping... but you could have worked that out anyway.
« Last Edit: June 01, 2006, 05:46:28 pm by andi_e »

Dave Westlake

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#17 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 01, 2006, 03:37:12 pm
 in reply to chappers



:oops: :thumbsup:

that story is too funny not to go public ;D  well done

Houdini

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#18 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 01, 2006, 04:35:19 pm
Since Chappers just had to take it back to scat... 




In the words of Magnus "I've started, so I'll finish." Magnussen, let's  cut the shit with this final Ode to Ass-Offal:

Back in 2000 in an appartment in Hamburg, myself and the lads from work were having a few beers and smokes up in our bedroom, where our tight-assed firm had squeezed so many of us in we were  living like rats.  The lads from the flat below were also present.  And the jokes/insults were flying - as per usual - and in retaliation to something Ug said, I asked, "This your bed, dude?"   

"Aaaaye...!"

"Cool."  As I sat down in just in a pair of thin shorts - and let rip on his sheets.

Yeah!  Y'know it!  I followed-through with a wet one, soiling his bed, his shelter, his respite from a hard day's Ug.


There were far too many people than I would of liked present...  And I guess, if it was just myself and Ug he would've said something nice like, "Don't worry mate, shit happens...", but instead joined in with the rest of the lad's laughter, more than necessary actually, and I backed out of the room cupping my perineum with one hand, and dragging his sheet off the bed with the other.


Yeah!






Has anyone got any other types of story to offer?  Anyone got anything up-top they'd like to exorcise?  Stories involving pain and nudity welcome.

Anyone here been in the Forces?  Oooh!  That's where they do it good!
« Last Edit: June 01, 2006, 06:36:18 pm by Houdini »

Yossarian

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#19 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 01, 2006, 05:40:55 pm
echoing andi's experiences abroad, and continuing the poo theme...

so i was aged 14. nearly 15 i think, and really quite sophisticated. me and some mates were on a french exchange, near font as it happens, but there were much more important things in our lives at the time. we were staying with different families in the same village. me with 2 brothers who were obsessed with firing one of those james bond spear gun things at stray cats, another with a manic depressive and his depressive mother-less family, and the third with a fat kid and his french drink drive champion dad.

i say sophisticated because, while our new french friends spent their afternoons fiddling with animals and playing arcade games, we spent our time sitting in a very bohemian bar drinking pernod and eau de vie, and smoking my fabulous yves saint laurent cigarettes. a right trio of proto-art student fuckheads we were. (the one staying with the manic depressive has actually gone on to have a moderately successful film career, but that's by the by).  anyway, we loved that pernod. so much so that i had bought a litre bottle of the stuff. and it was extra strong, 60something percent. anyway, i had had a few snifters at the start of the week, but it was pretty much undented.  however, one evening (which was something of a turning point in my life, and one i'm sure i share with a great many other great soaks - essentially the discovery that there is nothing better than an uniterrupted evenings dose of one's own hilarious personality, together with a large bottle of something strongly alcoholic.  possibly with the addition of illegal substances.) i decided to excuse myself from the cat spearing, and retire to my quarters.  i sparked up an yves, poured a tumbler of neat pernod, and after every couple of gulps added a bit of water. i then started writing a novel...

when i woke up i didn't actually feel too bad.  then i moved.  as i shifted i experienced a sensation that was akin to having one's head cracked in two with a pickaxe.  not only that, but i disturbed something warm and wet.  then the smell hit me. as my eyes adjusted to the  real world, i noticed a lake of vomit around the pillow. it had kind of flowed around under the duvet, and also dripped off the matress. as i moved again i detected something moving in my pants. something that was much bigger than i was used to, and something that had defintely not been there when i was awake.  although, judging by the slimy sludge against my leg, the mysterious substance was no longer contained by the flimsy cotton membrane.

shit i thought. and i was right. how do you explain at age 14 to a hermes scarf wearing frenchwoman that you have ejected pretty much the entire contents of your gastrointestinal tract all over her pristine white sheets?

i wrapped it all up in the sheet, ran to the bathroom to douse myself with water and try and poke all the bits of boeuf down her plughole, and then came up with a genius excuse.

i blamed it on the cat.  the cat shat on the mat, or words to that effect.

of course, they didn't believe a word of it.  but neither did they ever realise that the little cherub who returned every afternoon with hicups and slightly slurred speech had spent the evening consuming enough alcohol to give oliver reed a hangover. no, i think it just reinforced their opinion of the english. a horrible bunch of fuckers....

Houdini

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#20 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 01, 2006, 07:34:34 pm
"I ain't no faecal-freak!" - A quote from a hermetic, paranoid man with too many guns, also starring (I think, Pacino).  Name that flick - as I've forgotten.




O Kay...   Let's move our expulsions north with another tale from the vom-vaults:


I'm 17 years old, and coming to the end of my first and last drinking problem.  Night after night I would blow my cash in Fakenham's Rampant Horse pub.  It was Woodpecker back then, just about the only drink my naive gut could handle (I'd by this point stopped lying to myself and given up pretending that Guinness was tasty) and besides, the fat but kind and 'sympathetic to my needs' landlord let me drink there knowing full-well how old I was.  Hell, I only stopped getting ID'd when I was 28; I must've looked like a babe back then.

I'd ride back home on my bicyle - fucking cunted.  And I recall one occassion in my drunken confidence, actually believing I could ride the last few hundred meters home - at midnight - with no lights and my eyes closed.  I managed a fair way, but occassionally found myself cheating, well, who wouldn't?  But not the last corner, oh no, this one I had to do.  Which was unfornunate:  I rounded the corner (looking behind me as I sped - to avoid snatching a peek) and hit that wanker, my neighbours' bakery van at full peddle, who normally parked elsewhere.  It was 10 feet high and the back was as square as the Hampshire bint from the old Heineken ad' who said, "The water...     from Majorca...    doesn't taste...     quite like it...      should?"

The sound of impact was enough to wake Windy Miller, and the pain was excruciating.  It was the immediate changes in my vision that disturbed me most: first, there were psychedelic flashes before my eyes; the kind of flashes the Terminator might see if he was being shot in the face with a Glock, by Jason in his Technicolour Raincoat.  Then it went black & white for a few seconds, before settling back to mere drunken normalcy.

I limped back home astonished I was unbroken, crept in, snuck into bed and settled back for a couple of hours of the spins

These didn't last much longer than that; as I knew from the previous nights, I'd be vomming out of my bedroom window - positioned, conveniently for the morning clear up - above the front door.  I'd always managed to get it slooshed away before my Mother noticed; but what I'd never noticed was the shit-eating grin of my Mums' boyfriend, illuminating these nightly scenes.

My aim that night was particularly poor, which I put down to the savage blow from the two-tonner round the corner, and I'd barfed down the front of the house (not that long before painted in brilliant white) from my window to the floor.  It stained the paint real nasty, and I ended up forking-out for the overpriced Dulux toss Mother had paid for, and insisted that I do the same.  And of course, re-painting it sharpish.

After that, I went straight-edge for five years.
 

Yossarian

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#21 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 01, 2006, 08:35:03 pm
i know that terminator gone berserk feeling.  i was once cycling back from a club (think it was grooverider at bar rumba) off my tits, and also decided that riding down streets while looking anywhere other than forwards was a great idea.  i fell off in the middle of elephant and castle roundabout, removing a bit of skin and ruining clothing, but my enormous pickled brain was still intact. however, i pulled into a street and was giving it the whole "why the fuck don't blind people get up off their lazy arses and ride bikes" when was thrown very violently upwards. and then shortly after downwards.  some irresponsable road mender had blocked the road off with one of those steel mesh walls. you know, the really hard ones, fixed to big concrete blocks. i was so pissed off. man, i was livid.  the idiot who'd put the signs up saying "road closed" had made the stupid assumption that everyone using the road would be looking forwards.  and what if i had been blind?  i guess they could run a braille sign along the edge of the pavement or something. anyway, i ended up with a mesh shaped haematoma across one side of my face. i should have really added some stick-on noughts and crosses, as it would be pretty hard to look any more like a cunt. well, unless i had instead got a big gash between my lips and nose. and then grown a moustache...

Houdini

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#22 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 01, 2006, 10:32:00 pm
Your violent meshing has just reminded me of my own near near-miss with wire:



I must've been 12 or 13, and I was legging it as fast as I could through the back of...  hang on, I think this pursuit has a technical name such as Garden Running.  So there I was, garden running: leaping over fences, rows of minature fur trees and the like.  By now it's getting dusky, and should've returned home for tea by this time.  Just one more garden to speed through before I get to the pasture behind it.  I see a glint at about knee-cap level and I jump quickly to avoid what I'd quickly guessed must've been barbed wire.  Guessed?  I don't know why I used that word, as it proved it's own 'wiresome-ness' as the wire that I had not seen clothes-lined into my Adams' Apple.  Luckily for me, my neck was between the barbs.  Which I was thankful for, as it crucified me enough.

Maybe, you're sitting there thinking:  twat!  But perhaps you are asking yourself, what the fuck was I doing trespassing at highspeed through so many gardens as dusk approaches and my egg 'n' chips were getting cold on the dinner table?

That's a reasonable question.

Thing is, not that much earlier, myself and people that I am afraid to name had been choring-down some of our first ever cigarettes (Sovereign, if I remember correctly) in a hay-bale house we had made not that much earlier in the day.  This was in the day of rectangular bales, not these enormous cylinders, which are no fun at all.  Anyway - and here's the rub - some of us thought that it would be cool to play sparklers with the glowing cherry-ends of straw lit by a Sovereign.  Some cunt, and this was not I!  Touched his sparkler to the roof of our straw cottage which promptly erupted like a fucking volcano!  I stood up and crashed through the structure, getting a wee bit singed in the process.  Deserted the other dumbass fux and legged it to, or what I thought was freedom.

Well, not quite, first I nearly behead myself on my 'cunning' short cut back home.  But when I get home, a little charred, and stinking of blaze, and feelin' that neck something chronic, I did the worst thing any guilty kid should start doing when he's fucked-up.  I made myself helpful, "Don't worry Mum, I'll finish drying the dishes!", which baffled the fuck out of her, but not as much as the sound of what must have been the entire Fakenham Fire Brigade's sirens giving it, nee and then nah and then nee and then nah as they rushed to tend to the now quite large stubble fire that ultimately covered more than a few acres.

Now, she ain't exactly Sherlock Holmes, me old Ma, but even Watsons' spastic, blind, deaf and dumb brother, the one you never heard about, the one that never cracked 'tens & units', the one that got put in the asylum aged 12, shortly before he was strangled in disgust for his stupidity by Watsons' cousin: Ebeneezer Childsqueezer, would have worked out that even if I had not started the blaze deliberately, I was certainly up to my fucking neck.

After that, all Hell broke loose, and I got one of the phattest lashings the Old Dear ever administered.  Those rosy cheeks weren't from shame or embarrassment, but from Ma, who used to be pretty handy back in the day.

And then there was the Filth to deal with.





And I'd like to stop here, thanks all the same...    :oops:   


This thread is getting ludicrous - I mean - where will it end?











Yoss?
« Last Edit: June 03, 2006, 04:09:35 pm by Houdini »

Bubba

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#23 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 01, 2006, 11:53:14 pm
Fucking class read lads :lol:

Yossarian

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#24 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 02, 2006, 07:26:16 am
i was rather hoping that someone would come forward with a brilliant dogging story, or a tale about the time they spent a night in a somalian whorehouse...


 

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