[tomtom]

Why did Nick Clegg cross the road? Because he said he wouldn't..

[lagerstarfish]

No swearing or dirty language in this one. Totally safe for work.

The  Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day  the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man  should be here soon.'   
       
Half  an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby  photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come  to...' 
       
'Oh,  no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'   
       
'Have  you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?'   
       
'Well  that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
       
After  a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
       
'Leave  everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And  sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really  spread out  there.'
       
'Bathtub,  living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for  Harry and me!'   
       
'Well,  Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot  from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased  with the results.'   
       
'My,  that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
       
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love  to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be  disappointed with that.'   
       
'Don't  I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
       
 The  photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the  top of a bus,' he said.   
       
'Oh, my  God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her  throat.
       
'And these  twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider  their mother was so difficult to work with.'
       
'She was  difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
       
'Yes, I'm  afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get  the job done right. People were crowding around four and  five deep to get a good  look'
       
'Four and  five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with  amazement.
       
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours,  too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling -  I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached  I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels  began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it  all in.' 
       
Mrs. Smith  leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,  uh...equipment?'
       
'It's true,  Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right  away.'
       
'Tripod?'
       
'Oh yes,  Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's  much too big to be held in the hand very  long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted 
         

[Control freak]

Dont know if this has been posted before - but its funny as fuck

DamnYouAutoCorrect

[iain_cbr]

I was in McDonalds  the other day and a big fat lad brought my food over and said "sorry about the wait"

I said don't worry, you'll lose it, you fat fuck.

[Idol eyes]

Rich Simpson is sitting in the pub... and John Dunne walks in and recognises that Rich is a little depressed, "Whats up youth?" ask's Dunne,
"Every one reckons I am a liar... I can tell the odd porkie, but I am not a total fabricator of the truth"... and hold's his little head into his massive hands and weep's, Dunne goes to the bar, orders a pint of bitter and half a shandy for rich! "I am a liar, I tell massive great big lies, cant help it? I can not contain the truth, so I wouldn't worry", Rich replies, "I bet I am worse!".
After a neurotic debate they are still in dispute and decide to settle the big issue with a few amber nectars and a little game of Blagg!, each has to invent the most impossible truthful lie believable to man... to decide who is the biggest fibber!
First up is Dunne, "On holiday last year I visited Niagara Falls, simply wonderful. Not satisfied with just viewing this wonder of the world, I psyched up and dived the Falls... touched the bottom, and breached the pool, and actually swam up the waterfall!!!", John, fold's his arms and awaits Simpsons response, Simpson simply finishes his drink and replies "I Know, I watched you do it!".

[Idol eyes]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Sorry!

[iain_cbr]

A young child is lost in the centre of Liverpool. A policeman says to her "what's your mum like?" The child replies "Big cocks and bacardi breezers."

[Duma]

Dont know if this has been posted before - but its funny as fuck

DamnYouAutoCorrect

 

[butters]

Woke up this morning to find lots of snow everywhere and thought that it would be a nice idea to indulge in a bit of sledging so I rang up Ricky Ponting and called him a cock.

[fatdoc]

Dont know if this has been posted before - but its funny as fuck

DamnYouAutoCorrect

i have never ever found a website sooooooo funny...
 

[Falling Down]

I am creased up laughing at those... 

[tomtom]

Sadly, they're quite common! - one of my colleagues spotted my error and alerted me 

[dave]

The error being you were holding your phone sideways?

[slackline]

I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping: I took my wife into eight different pubs without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.

[tomtom]

The error being you were holding your phone sideways?

No I had a reply back from my Head of Dept asking whether or not I really meant "Penis it far more complex than that"

[dave]

I hope you explained as was an error as you'd just woken up from anal.

[205Chris]

Not quite autocorrect but

[tomtom]

Superb.. prob  should be on the vids thread but its a great pisstake

Nigella's XXXMAS!

[dave]

classic cassetteboy shit.

[Moo]

A dwarf walks into a bar wearin a KU KLUX KLAN outifit





the bartender says: that's a little racist

[SA Chris]

Not quite autocorrect but

Only got that now after looking at it again. God I'm slow.

[Jim]

me too. its pretty good

[aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB]

With the return of snow forecast I've heard it's going to be "ideal for sledging"

So I'm going to ring up Ricky Ponting and call him a tosser.

[SA Chris]

(butters told that same joke middle of previous page).

[aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB]

Bah. Finally outed as a fan of Keith Chegwin.