[john horscroft]

It's usualle "a double", but otherwise good to see teh return of a classic!


Your momma's so fat, that when she swims she's in the locative case.

Don't you feckin' start - that's right over my caput.... 

[peewee]

A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops
Into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie .

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you
Could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . . I'm homesick.

[Ian W]

In a private hospital, a man in a wheelchair had been making several attempt to get to the toilet, but each time he had been beaten to it by someone else. A nurse noticed him in the corridor in some distress, and after he had explained what was wrong, said that she would let him use the ladies so long as he didn't touch any of the buttons on the wall.

He went in, did the necessaries, and thought;

"Hmmm. Who would notice........ these buttons can't do any harm......"

They were labelled WW, WA, PP and ATR, from left to right. So he thought, what the hell, and pressed WW.A couple of seconds later, he felt a stream of warm water play across his nether regions.

"What a lovely feeling", he thought. "I Like this"

After 30 seconds or so, the water stopped, so feeling more confident, he pressed WA.

A gentle stream of warm air played across his bottom, drying it most pleasurably. When this stopped, he pressed the PP button. A large powder puff emerged, gently massaging his bottom with gently scented perfume of spring flowers.

He was loving it. How come the ladies get all this, when we blokes get nothing?

Unable to stop himself, he enthusiastically pushed the ATR button. The next thing he knew, he was opening his eyes, back in his hospital bed, with an unbelievable pain inhis groin, and the same nurse staring down at him,with a concerned expression on her face.

"What happened" he said " the last thing I remember is pushing the ATR button"

"Yes" replied the nurse " we know. ATR stands for Automatic Tampon Remover.your penis is on the table to your left".

[Ian W]

Needing to ask the taxi driver a question, a passenger leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, slammed the brakes on, and came to a halt inches froma shop window.

For a second, there was silence in the cab. Then the driver spoke.

"Don't EVER do that again!! You scared the daylights out of me!

The passenger apologised; "I didn't think for a minute that a tap on the shoulder would have such an effect on anybody"

The cabbie sighed; " well it's not all your fault. It's just that this is my first day as a cabbie; for the last 15 years I have been driving a hearse".

[peewee]

As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls
up
along side. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks
on
the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is
Sharon
and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and
proceeds
down the street.    When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks  on the
door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is
Sharon, and you are losing some  of your load!"    Shaking his head,
the
trucker ignores her again and  continues down the street. At the third
red light, the same thing  happens again. All out of breath, the blonde
gets out of her car, runs  up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker
lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are
losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the trucker revs
up and races to the next light.    When he stops this time, he
hurriedly
gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her
window,
and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a
f**king gritter!"

[tomtom]

An article in todays Grauniad about jokes/humour around the world. Quite good:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/dec/04/global-sense-of-humour

An example:

New Zealand

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the benevolent sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh announced, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The South African was first. He thought for a while, then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow lasted only 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done, the South African had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Australian was next up. After watching the South African's horror, he said smugly, "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could take only 15 lashes before the whip went through and the Australian was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The New Zealander was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the sheikh turned to him and said, "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your most royal and merciful highness," the Kiwi replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish"? "Tie the Australian to my back."

[tomtom]

Freedom of Speech - priceless. For everything else, there's MasterCard

[peewee]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Christmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit.. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just
right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:


Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you
will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of
Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and
go as a toffee apple.

[slackline]

Cookies by Douglas Adams (author: "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy")

This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I'd gotten the time of the train wrong.

I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.

I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind.

Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.

It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.

You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?

In the end I thought, nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.

Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice . . ." I mean, it doesn't really work.

We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.

Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.

The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line.

(Excerpted from "The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time" by Douglas Adams)

[soapy]

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador.

"I wouldn't if I were you" say's Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?!"

[Sloper]

Ahh poor blind pat, could never understand why the pub said you're banned twice over now fuck off.

[soapy]

What's the capital of Ireland?

4 Euros.

[soapy]

Up to 8 Euros now

[Sloper]

Indeed, but they'll be raising liquidity, to be sureitiesm to be sureitiens to be too pissed to bother.

[soapy]

No wait, 16!

[soapy]

It's Dublin all the time!

[Sloper]

The Liffey is not the LIFFE, twat.

[Sloper]

Sorry just not called anyone a tewat for a while, down near LLoyds Thursday next, Balls for a tinto?

[soapy]

never ever apologise dearie, if you do i won't respect you in the morning

currently up to my neck in repossessions so must demur

[Sloper]

Workhouses are the way to go a 40% equit split with A4e should see you in clover

[soapy]

Met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I went to the local video shop and I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue.
I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
   

[Jim]

 ??? truly terrible

[namnok]

reminds me of tommy cooper

[SA Chris]

Funny that.

[Dolly]

Aren't they all Tim Vine ?