[andy_e]

An old classic!

[Nibile]

on a long transoceanic flight, after the take off, the captain speaks to the passengers giving all the details of the flight.
then, without noticing the mic is still open, says to his second:
"bloody hell, now the autopilot is on, I'll take a huge d**p, then I'll call the blond hostess and as usual I'll f**k her in the a**!"
while listening to this, all the passengers explode in laughter, while the blond hostess, in a rage, starts running towards the pilots' cabin.
just before the cabin door, one passenger stops her and says:
"yo waitaminnit, he's got to take the d**p first!".

[iain_cbr]

I was at the mother in laws for tea a while ago. She said "how many potatoes would you like?"

"just the one, thanks" I replied

"Oh, come on there's no need to be polite" She said

So I said "Just the one, you fat whore."

[aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB]

After a somewhat tiresome few days in London, I returned, late at night on the last train.

In some need of "gentleman's relief", I poured myself into a taxi, and mindful of my somewhat straightened and impoverished circumstances said to the driver, "take me somewhere I can get a blow-job for a tenner."


He took me to our house.

[aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB]

Why did the chicken cross the Garvaghy Road?

Because his father did, and his father's father did, and his father's father's father...

 

[aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB]

Has anyone heard about the "JLS" brand condoms?


Apparently 16-year old girls burst into tears when they hear they've split.

[superfurrymonkey]

Sorry if these have been done already 
I once had freelance work down the sewers,got the sack though,they said i was just going through the motions!!

Got some freelance work helping a one-armed typist when he needs to do a capital letter; it's only shift work but it's better than nothing.

I got the sack from the circus. I am suing for funfair dismissal.

[chris_j_s]

Everyone must have heard this by now but...

What's the capital of Ireland?


About 3 euros.

[slackline]

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?








None.

[tomtom]

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?


None.

I'll admit I'm having a tumbleweed moment with that one Slackers - how does it work?

[superfurrymonkey]

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?


None.

I'll admit I'm having a tumbleweed moment with that one Slackers - how does it work?

Are you saying it's a bad joke or that you don't get it?

[GCW]

It's an old joke that ome, dates from the 1840s.

[tomtom]

It's an old joke that ome, dates from the 1840s.

Ah, now I get it... potato famine and all that..

Superfurry - Both to be honest - now I get it!

[superfurrymonkey]

To carry on with Irish theme has one been done yet?
Brian Cowan announced this evening that 50% of the package will be loans, the other half is to be sureties, to be sureties.

[GCW]

That's worse than the potato one!

[butters]

Rumour has it that there was never a Potato Famine in Ireland - they just forgot where they had planted them.

[GCW]

You need to be really careful about the potato famine jokes, it's easy to offend.  I for one.....

....but that's Roman Numerals for you.

I'll get my coat, but I bet TomTom doesn't get that.

[Dolly]

You need to be really careful about the potato famine jokes, it's easy to offend.  I for one.....

Agree - I don't feel comortable with that one

[peewee]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a
stool at the bar ...
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder....
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example.... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.

[peewee]

Uses for Vaseline...
 
A woman answers the door to a  market researcher.
 
"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Do you use it at all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Well....."
 
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
Well madam, I am  astonished with your honesty.
Out of all the people who have completed our research  questionaire, you are
first to admit  using it for sex. Would you mind explaining for me, how you
use it  during sex?
 
"Oh, why of course. It is quite simple really,.. the first thing we do is
lock  the  door.
Then we just smear it all over the bedroom doorknob, this way the kids can't
get in."

[GCW]

You need to be really careful about the potato famine jokes, it's easy to offend.  I for one.....

Agree - I don't feel comortable with that one

You really know that a joke was shit when people don't even realise it was a joke!!! 

[slackline]

You need to be really careful about the potato famine jokes, it's easy to offend.  I for one.....

Agree - I don't feel comortable with that one

You really know that a joke was shit when people don't even realise it was a joke!!! 

Clue : II for two 

[grimer]

Moving swiftly on from the Irish theme and running with the roman numbers one (and speaking of jokes no one's going to get unless you had a classical education...)

Julius Caesar walks into a pub and says to the barman

"Can I have a Martinus please."

And the barman says

"Don't you mean Martini?"

"Look," says Caesar, "If I'd wanted two I would have asked for two."

[john horscroft]

Moving swiftly on from the Irish theme and running with the roman numbers one (and speaking of jokes no one's going to get unless you had a classical education...)

Julius Caesar walks into a pub and says to the barman

"Can I have a Martinus please."

And the barman says

"Don't you mean Martini?"

"Look," says Caesar, "If I'd wanted two I would have asked for two."

  Damn you Grimer, my missus is laughing like an exhaurit and I'm just looking crassa......

[GCW]

It's usually "a double", but otherwise good to see the return of a classic!


Your momma's so fat, that when she swims she's in the locative case.