[Falling Down]

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to
the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of
his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career,
the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into
a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole
place goes wild..

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts - "No, no, play a jazz
chord, play a jazz chord...". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives
straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat
minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd go ballistic
with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the
little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord,
play a jazz chord!!!". Stevie is really pissed off now that this chap doesn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -
" OK smart a*s, you get up here and do it"..

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and
starts to sing............



"a jazz chord to say , I ruv you..."

[dave]

whats black and screams?

stevie wonder answering the iron.



sorry.

[SA Chris]

Stevie Wonder was given a cheesegrater for christmas. Said it was the most painful book he ever read.

[slackline]

99% of Americans think the Mexican Swine is a new McDonalds special.

[Mike Tyson]

I went to the hospital this morning for my annual check up and the nurse says "your going to have to stop wanking" so I said "why!!??" and she said "I'm trying to examine you"

[GCW]

Golt, this is a thread for jokes, not what you did today.

[mrjonathanr]

ok, in the hope of revitalising this thread, one of Matt Saunders':
'   A little guy walks past a biker's bar, full of bikes in the parking area, blaring rock music etc etc
He walks in, points dead centre of the bar and shouts:
'OI! ALL YOU ON THE LEFT-HAND SIDE OF THE BAR, YOU'RE BASTARDS!
AND ALL YOU ON THE RIGHT-HAND SIDE OF THE BAR, YOU'RE WANKERS!!
At this a very large , scary, hairy-arsed biker gets up and proclaims..
'I'm no WANKER!!!'
So he replies..........














'RIGHT!OVER THE LEFT-HAND SIDE OF THE BAR THEN!'   '

[marty]

ok, in the hope of revitalising this thread, one of Matt Saunders':
'   A little guy walks past a biker's bar, full of bikes in the parking area, blaring rock music etc etc
He walks in, points dead centre of the bar and shouts:
'OI! ALL YOU ON THE LEFT-HAND SIDE OF THE BAR, YOU'RE BASTARDS!
AND ALL YOU ON THE RIGHT-HAND SIDE OF THE BAR, YOU'RE WANKERS!!
At this a very large , scary, hairy-arsed biker gets up and proclaims..
'I'm no WANKER!!!'
So he replies..........














'RIGHT!OVER THE LEFT-HAND SIDE OF THE BAR THEN!'   '

Would that be Matt Saunders who was kickaround in the peak in the mid 90's? Originally from Bristol?

[mrjonathanr]

Matt's from the S-East, though haven't seen him for years. I guess it depends where you kick around, tho if it's Sheffield from early 90s on, you're right.

[lagerstarfish]

Matt is still knockin' around Sheff; though since getting older, breaking his back, getting married and spending slightly less time with Joe Healey, he has mellowed somewhat.

[marty]

Matt is still knockin' around Sheff; though since getting older, breaking his back, getting married and spending slightly less time with Joe Healey, he has mellowed somewhat.

IIRC we met in a student climbing comp in Paris circa '92. Got hideously drunk. Over-riding memory was going from party to party, with one dude was physically carried from flat-to-flat because he was unconcious. He ended up winning the comp. Japanese-french guy, who was killed couple of years later. Can't for the life of me remember his name.

[notbadforafatlad]

Fabien Mazuer?

[dave]

I thought I'd caught swine flu this morning, I wope up covered in rashers.

I phoned the NHS helpline but all I could hear was crackling.

[Drew]

I thought I'd caught swine flu this morning, I wope up covered in rashers.

I phoned the NHS helpline but all I could hear was crackling.

I hope you didn't hog the line.

[Clart]

I thought I'd caught swine flu this morning, I wope up covered in rashers.

I phoned the NHS helpline but all I could hear was crackling.

A liberal application of oinkment should help.

[Zods Beard]

I thought I'd caught swine flu this morning, I wope up covered in rashers.

I phoned the NHS helpline but all I could hear was crackling.

Stop telling porkies.

[marty]

Fabien Mazuer?

That will be the guy.Different league compared with the rest of the competitors.

[Sloper]

I've heard lots of rumours about swine flu, none of them are kosher.

[andy_e]

I lost 5 kilos last week.

You wish.

[fatneck]

The makers of CSI have cancelled plans to do a Birkenhead special because nobody's got any teeth and they all have the same DNA.

[tomtom]

The makers of CSI have cancelled plans to do a Birkenhead special because nobody's got any teeth and they all have the same DNA.

   harsh.. but still 

[Jaspersharpe]

The makers of CSI have cancelled plans to do a Birkenhead special because nobody's got any teeth and they all have the same DNA.

That one's been doing the rounds *substitute local scumbag area here*. I thought Scunthorpe was the most amusing / topical.

[tommytwotone]

Just heard Tim Vine on '4 Stands Up' on the way home - really funny puntastic routine.

Link here - skip to the last 10(ish) mins for him: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00k4g55/4_Stands_Up_Series_3_Episode_6/http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00k4g55/4_Stands_Up_Series_3_Episode_6/

Someone just asked me if I could tell them the correct term for someone from Corsica, so I said 'Course I can'

My friend came up to me and told me he'd got The Plague - I said 'Don't give me that'...

My doctor told me I'd got hypochondria - 'not that as well' I said...

You get the picture.

[Dr T]

Just heard Tim Vine on '4 Stands Up' on the way home - really funny puntastic routine.

velcro - what a rip off...

so funny 

[Jaspersharpe]

So Peter and Jordan have split up. Bet Harvey didn't see that one coming.