[andy_e]

 

Hari-kari bank have just given up, I presume.

[SA Chris]

Two scots are discussing one of them's upcoming wedding;

One says to the other - "I suppose you'll be in a kilt then?"

The other says "Aye"

The first one says "So what's the tartan?"

The other says "I think she's wearing a white dress of some sort".

[slackline]

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

[milksnake]

whats the difference between jam and marmalade?


i cant marmalade my cock in you arse.

[Mike Tyson]

Two blokes sitting in a pub. One turns to the other and says ?I fucked your mum last night. She did everything a man could want, she was the dirtiest woman i have ever experienced? The other man replies ?You've had too much to drink, lets go home dad?

[Jaspersharpe]

 

[Jaspersharpe]

Doncaster girl writes to problem page "Dear Problem Page, I am a 10 year old girl from Doncaster but I'm still a virgin. Do you think my Dad's queer?"

[Somebody's Fool]

How do you get an 80-year-old granny to say cunt?



Get another one to shout 'Bingo!'

[lagerstarfish]

Brave Sir Flannelhead has a poor tournament.  He loses his best hat and his worthy steed.  Forced to stay with a not very close friend overnight, he muses on how he could get home tomorrow morn without a palfrey.
 
There's a dragging litter, used for bringing in firewood, but it wouldn't survive the rocky hill tops. There's a 2-wheel wagon, used for victuals, but his host can't spare the 2 pulling-men involved, and anyway the wagon would probably bottom in the marshy areas.
 
At the evening spread, Sir Flannelhead notices two great Irish wolfhounds asleep in front of the roaring fire.  "Could I borrow one of those to ride home on?"   

"Oh, No!" replied the host "I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."

[dave]

How do you cut cheese in Wales?



Caerphilly.

[GCW]

Dave, that's bad.  Here's one for ya:

An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his medical. When the doctor is finished, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.

The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."

The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the fags."

The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."

The old woman responded, "Damn it, he's pissing in the fridge again!"

[Jaspersharpe]

I think the Caerphilly joke is good.

[slackline]

A Jelly baby goes to see the doctor with his willy covered in coconut and liquourice.  "What have you been doing?" asked the doctor.






The Jelly Baby replied "Fucking Allsorts"

[mrjonathanr]

little man walks into a biker's bar. Loud music, big bikers, scary atmosphere. Little man has a stentorian voice ...Points to the middle of the bar and shouts:
''OI!! ALL YOU ON THE LEFT-HAND SIDE OF THE BAR, YOU'RE BASTARDS!
AND ALL YOU ON THE RIGHT, YOU'RE WANKERS!''
Big hairy-arsed biker gets up, glowers and shouts back:
''Oi!! I'm no wanker''
He replies....






''RIGHT! OVER THE LEFT-HAND-SIDE OF THE BAR THEN''

[GCW]

I lost 5 kilos last week.





Fucking sniffer dogs.

[GCW]

Three Australian builders were working on a high-rise project:  Steve, Bruce and Mick.
One day Steve falls to his death.  Bruce says to Mick, "Someone should tell his wife".  Mick says "I'm good at that touchy feely stuff, I'll tell her".

A couple of hours later, Mick turns up with a case of Fosters under his arm.  Bruce says, "Where'dya get that beer, Mick?".  Mick replies "Steve's wife gave me it".
"You mean to say you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you some beers?  That's unbelievable mate".
"Well, Not exactly mate" Says Mick.  "I knocked on the door, and when she opened it I said 'Ah, you must be Steve's widow'.  She says, 'no, I'm not a widow'."
"So I said, I bet you a crate of beer that you are!"

[GCW]

A man is sent to the mortuary, wearing an expensive black suit.  The undertaker speaks to the wife of the dead man, and says how good her husband looks in the suit.
The wife says her husband always looked best in blue.  "I don't care how much it costs, just get him dressed in a blue suit for the viewing".
 
The woman is back next day, and is delighted to see her husband dressed in a lovely blue suit which fits his body perfectly.  She asks the undertaker how much she owes him.  "No charge" he replies.  She presses him for how much she needs to pay.
"No, really.  i spent nothing.  You see, another deceased man came in wearing a blue suit and he was roughly your husband's build.  I asked his widow if she would mind him wearing a black suit for the viewing, and luckily she didn't mind as long as he looked good.  So I just switched the heads."

[Jaspersharpe]

Been chatting to a 14 year old girl on the internet. She's funny, sexy and flirty. Now she tells me she's an undercover copper. How cool is that at her age!?

[tomrix]

A group of doctors are being shown around a mental asylum renowned for there method of patient rehabilitation. They are taken to each room in turn and are amazed by what they find.

In the first room they found a young lady wearing a tutu and balancing on one leg. "What are you doing?" Asks one of the doctors.

"I'm practicing my ballet so when i get out of here i can become a prima ballerina and perform in front of thousands." The girl replies. Impressed, the doctors move on to the next room.

Here they find a man studying hard and taking notes from medical journals. "Whats that your reading?" Asks one of the doctors.

"It's a medical journal." Replies the man. "I'm going to train to be a doctor when i get out of here."

Room after room, patient after patient, the results were astonishing.

As the day was drawing to a close, there was one final room for the doctors to visit.

When they entered the room they were astonished to find a man with his di*k in a bowl of peanuts.

"What the hell are you doing?" exclaimed one of the doctors.

"I'm f**king nuts!!" replied the man. "I'm never going to get out of here!"

[dave]

i think you accidentally hit Shift-8 when you were typing "fucking" and "dick" there.

[meatball]

A banana and a vibrator are sitting on a table. The banana turns to the vibrator and says "I dont know what your shakin for, she's goin to fuckin eat me!!"

[205Chris]

My mate always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened he was chuffed to bits.

[Ferrito]

Man runs into a washing machine....















........Bosch!

[205Chris]

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, the news is either bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her.

[dave]

Gorgeously detailed fine writing,
Deepest ocean blue ink,
Supple thick textured paper,
Crisp white envelope,
Lovingly stuck down and personally addressed to you.

This isn't just any P45.

This is a Marks and Spencers P45.