[slackline]

    A PRESIDENTAL CONFESSION

    I attacked and took over two countries.

    I spent the US surplus and bankrupted the US Treasury.

    I shattered the record for the biggest annual deficit in history (not
    easy).

    I set an economic record for the most personal bankruptcies filed in
    any 12 month period.

    I set all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the stock
    market.

    I am the first president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.

    In my first year in office I set the all-time record for most days on
    vacation by any president in US history (tough to beat my dad's, but I
    did).

    After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, I presided
    over the worst security failure in US history.

    I set the record for most campaign fund raising trips by any president
    in US history.

    In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.

    I cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any
    other president in US history.

    I set the all-time record for most real estate foreclosures in a 12-
    month period.

    I appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than
    any president in US history.

    I set the record for the fewest press conferences of any president,
    since the advent of TV.

    I signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than
    any other US president in history.

    I presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and refused to
    intervene when corruption was revealed.

    I cut health care benefits for war veterans.

    I set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously
    take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the
    record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.

    I dissolved more international treaties than any president in US in story.

    I've made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any in
    US history.

    Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US
    history. (The poorest multimillionaire, Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron
    oil tanker named after her.)

    I am the first president in US history to have all 50 states of the
    Union simultaneously struggle against bankruptcy.

    I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud in any market
    in any country in the history of the world.

    I am the first president in US history to order a US attack AND
    military occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the
    will of the United Nations and the vast majority of the international
    community.

    I have created the largest government department bureaucracy in the
    history of the United States, called the "Bureau of Homeland
    Security".

    I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending
    increases, more than any other president in US history (Reagan was
    tough to beat, but I did it).

    I am the first president in US history to compel the United Nations
    remove the US from the Human Rights Commission.

    I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations
    remove the US from the Elections Monitoring Board.

    I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of
    congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US
    history.

    I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.

    I withdrew from the World Court of Law.

    I refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by
    default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.

    I am the first president in US history to refuse United Nations
    election inspectors access during the 2002 US elections.

    I am the all-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate
    campaign donations.

    The biggest lifetime contributor to my campaign, who is also one of my
    best friends, presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy
    frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron
    Corporation).

    I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US
    history.

    I am the first president to run and hide when the US came under attack
    (and then lied, saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1).

    I am the first US president to establish a secret shadow government.

    I took the world's sympathy for the US after 9/11, and in less than a
    year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the
    biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).

    I am the first US president in history to have a majority of the
    people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to
    world peace and stability.

    I changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded
    government contracts.

    I set the all-time record for the number of administration appointees
    who violated US law by not selling their huge investments in
    corporations bidding for government contracts.

    I have removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than
    any other president in US history.

    I entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less
    than two years turned every single economic category heading straight
    down.

    **RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

    I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas
    driving record has been erased and is not available).

    I was AWOL from the National Guard and deserted the military during time
    of war.

    I refuse to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.

    All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away
    to my fathers library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public
    view.

    All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or
    bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public
    view.

    All minutes of meetings of any public corporation for which I served
    on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

    Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding
    public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public
    review.


    GEORGE W. BUSH The White House, Washington, DC

[lagerstarfish]

Nothing funny about that 

[Jaspersharpe]

Indeed. That's no joke. 

[slackline]

  Couldn't think of any other thread to post it in and don't think the twat is worthy of thread of his own, even if it is to slate him.

[Jaspersharpe]

Al Fayed is hoping to sign Cristiano Ronaldo for Fulham. Not for his football skills, he wants him to teach his chauffeurs how to crash safely in a tunnel.

[CJ Whitaker]

Two Irish men sat in a bar masturbating. The bar man walks over and says "What are you doing?


They pointed to the sign that said 'First come, first serve.'

[cofe]

a skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a mop.

[mrjonathanr]

Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her.

An online joke which made me laugh. Nice work.

[CJ Whitaker]

a teacher asks timmy why he brought his cat to school this morning he replied "i heard my dad say to my mum, when them kids leave the house i'm going to eat that fuckin pussy"

[SA Chris]

Saw Ron Jeremy filling his car with petrol the other day. I knew it was him because just the petrol tank was almost full, he pulled the nozzle out and sprayed a load of petrol all over the windscreen.

[dave]

Why did the feminist cross the road?

To suck me off.


(I can't take credit for this joke)

[SA Chris]

A big Scouser is sitting at the bar in the pub. A gay guy admiringly comes over and asks him "do want a blow job", so the Scouser beats the carp out of him.

The bar tender asks him "what did you do that for?"

The Scouser says "I thought he was asking me if I wanted a job?"

[SA Chris]

The police have admitted wrongdoing after the killing of Jean Charles de Menesez.

It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

[notbadforafatlad]

How did the old fashioned Mathematician cure his constipation?






He worked it out using pencil and paper.

[robertostallioni]

Alvin Martin, West Ham Defender of yesterday, to referee, awarding penalty against the Hammers- "What would happen if I called you a cunt?"

Referee - "Careful Alvin, I'd send you straight off."

Alvin - "What would happen if I just thought you were a cunt."

Referee - "Nothing. You can think what you like."

Alvin - "Right then. I think you are a cunt."

[notbadforafatlad]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
 
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I am." replied the woman, "How did you know?"
 
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
 
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
 
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now somehow, it's my fucking fault."

[hairich]

Has anyone seen Jade Goodys new calender

It only goes upto April.

[Idol eyes]

Only give her marriage to Jack Tweed another month...

[Idol eyes]

Not only does she look like a egg... she will be in a box by easter....

[Idol eyes]

 
Sorry God...

[Johnny Brown]

I wouldn't apologise, its the best proof we've had that prayers are occasionally answered.

[SA Chris]

I was driving down the road and there was an american standing in the road, so I ran him over. I could have driven round him, but I wasn't sure I had enough fuel.

[Falling Down]

I once fell in love with a Dolphin.

We just clicked....

[Jaspersharpe]

Heard that joke on Radio 1 yesterday morning. Very good.

[Jaspersharpe]

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional
Italian she was still
a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's
house, she was very
nervous.
 
Her mother reassured her;
 
'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take care of
you.
 
Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
 
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his
shirt and exposed
his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and
says, 'Mama, Mama,
Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
 
'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all
good men have hairy chests. Go
upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
 
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony
took off his
pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs
to her mother.
'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got
hairy legs!'
 
'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs..
Tony's a good man Go upstairs
and he'll take good care of you.'
 
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off
his socks and on
his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw
this, she ran
downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a
half!'
 
Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'