[notbadforafatlad]

The RSPCA rushed to Manchester last Sunday after hundreds of people reported seeing a sick swan at Old Trafford

[slackline]

Sir Paul  McCartney has said his new marriage is already having problems

Apparently Nancy spends twice as much on shoes as Heather did.

[Ian W]

Apparently there are suspicious circumstances surrounding Joe Frazier's death.



They're going to grill George Foreman about it.

[Nibile]

not a joke, but made me laugh so...
read on a public toilet wall
"Chiara, making love with you has been like throwing a salami in a corridor"
...

[Danger]

I've just been diagnosed with Sausagephobia. I feared the wurst.

[slackline]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

 The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

 The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

 The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[Big Dave]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum
 cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

 Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . "Really, ." says Mick
 "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
 
 Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says how do
 you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
 
 I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she
 was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
 
 My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
 girlfriend yet.
 
 I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot
 of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
 
 The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
 So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
 
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I
quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
 
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3
hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself,
they've lost the plot!!
 
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70!!! blow this, I thought, I can get one
cheaper off the web.
 
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
 
Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was there with their
new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit
harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
 
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.
 
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that
guy's heading for a breakdown.' ****
 
 
 
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking
Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our
country?'

[namnok]

Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was there with their
new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit
harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

i would have laughed out loud if it weren't for the room full of people

[Stu Littlefair]

Aah, one liners. Reminds me of Stuart Francis...

"I quit my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice."

[lagerstarfish]

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer... and a mop

[SA Chris]

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

[Peanuts]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You can come with us as well I you like."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and four children with me!"

"Bring them along as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said
 
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

[Nibile]

in a super modern hospital, they are experimenting a new machine, capable of transferring the pain of the birth from the mother to the father, via electric impulses, to make it safer for the baby.
so, when the travail starts, they start the experiment, transferring 10% of the pain to the father. the man shows no sign of pain, so they pass on to 20%. still the man is completely calm. they go to 35% and still no pain shown. meanwhile the woman is feeling better and better, so they transfer 50%, then 75% and finally all the pain from the mother to the father. the man remains perfectly calm, until the child is born. the mother hasn't suffered at all, so the baby is super calm, and they can go away ten minutes later.
they get back home and find the postman, dead in front of their door.

[benpritch]

a friend of mine went to the doctors the other day.

it was bad news and the doctor says to him "i'm afraid you haven't got long to live."

my mate goes "how long?"

doctor says "ten"

my mate asks "ten what?"

doctor "nine"

[boulderingbacon]

what does one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
see you same time next month

[lagerstarfish]

Just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar.

Every time you open a door someone tells you to fuck off.

[Joepicalli]

"Kim jong il's died. "

"Well, he was il(l)"

Yes its shite but I want the first dead North Korean Dead dictator joke on Ukb; and I'm not fussy about how I get it

[lagerstarfish]

Kim Jong's died

I didn't even know he was ill

(courtesy of Slackers on Twater)

[slackline]

Kim Jong il is dead. Looks like his Korea is over. (If only!)

[Oldmanmatt]

Kim Jong il...?

No.

Kim Jong Dead!

[Nibile]

I invited a girl out the other night. I asked her "do you fancy some DIY and some magic?"
she said "what do you mean?"
I answered "we screw and then you disappear."

[andy popp]

How do you get a musician to leave your porch?





Pay him for the pizza.

[grumpycrumpy]

Why did the chicken cross the road ? .......

It was tucked into Anthony Worral Thompson's jumper .......

[SA Chris]

Being a big 80s fan I went out and bought the new Bonnie Tyler Edition satnav.

It's a bit crap though, it keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then it falls apart.

[grumpycrumpy]

Being a big 80s fan I went out and bought the new Bonnie Tyler Edition satnav.

It's a bit crap though, it keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then it falls apart.

Does it work abroad, or do you get lost in France ? .......