[Nibile]

wife to husband ''dear, i think we've got serious communication problems''
husband to wife ''dear, i don't understand what you mean''

[GCW]

Scientists have discovered that diarrhoea is hereditary.

They have discovered it runs in your genes.



Sorry

[chummer]

Two peanuts were walking back from the pub late at night.

One was a salted.

[slackline]

Atheism: A non-prophet organization.

[tomtom]

Maria had just gotten married, and being.................................

...............................blah blah ................................

'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a
half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'

Jasper thats a truly awful joke.... almost worth a puntering!
 

[Jaspersharpe]

I know. Just keeping up the general standard of the thread. 

[SA Chris]

I thought it was funny when I first heard it, but then I was still in school.

[Jaspersharpe]

Don't go there. That Denis De Menezes joke is over three years old but you got away with it! 

[SA Chris]

3 years vs 20+?

(yes I know mine was "topical" but still).

[Idol eyes]

Whats the smellyest thing on the planet?

[tomtom]

Whats the smellyest thing on the planet?

Uranus?

[robertostallioni]

An anchovies fanny?

[grumpycrumpy]

The fanny of an anchovy that lives on uranus ?

[Idol eyes]

Yeah, Or a dead Anchovies fanny living on Uranus...

[dave]

An Australian , an Irishman and a Scouser are in
a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his
own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is
driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the
Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness,
a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the
three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches
the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and
shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of
amazement:

"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.
It's a miracle!'"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking
him for the lager.

As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life
is completely gone! It's A Miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

"Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."

[widdop]

Yeah, Or a dead Anchovies fanny living on Uranus...

you should go far with a mind like yours,

[jordysi]

It's day 2 in Heaven and Jade Goody is up for eviction already!!!!

[TomP]

As I joke, I just asked the girl next to me at work:
"Do you think I am more charismatic or magnetic"

She said:
"That's like asking if Hitler is more cute or sexy"

I didn't know what to say back to that!   

[andy_e]

That girl who sits next to you is fucking weird, confirmed. I reckon you should shave a hitler-tash in one day and go into work, see what she says...

[notbadforafatlad]

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.





"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

[Idol eyes]

Stephen Hawking has a date!
His nurse gets him dressed, combs his hair, switches on his voice to barry white and give him fifty quid before putting him in a taxi...
she then has a nice bath, pours some wine and sits down to start watching a movie.
Theres a knock at the door...
still in her bath robe, she answers it to find poor old Stephen in a right old state...
his hair is in a mess, he has got a massive bump on his head and hiss glasses are smashed!
"what on earth happened Stephen" she asks


"she stood me up!....

[Mike Tyson]

I was reading in the paper today about a dwarf who got pickpocketed.

How the fuck could anybody stoop so low?!

[Clart]

After being inspired by the Grand National I went out and bought a race horse called "My Face".
It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd scream "Come on My Face!"

[robertostallioni]

For the jockey?

[Mr Cat]

A couple are driving home and run over a Badger. They get out and find its still alive but freezing cold. He says "put it between your legs to warm it up". She replies "but its all wet and it stinks". He says "well hold the Badger's fucking nose then!"