[Houdini]

Whap



whap



whap



whap



waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah . . .



*lead ballon falls from the sky and crushes hip*


*dies laughing about it . . .*

[Peanuts]

And while we are on the subject of stereotyping ... here's a few more

The German sense of Humour ...

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

 
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her
drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

[Jaspersharpe]

A poor variation on Jasper's favorite joke

No sound at work. Which joke?

Those are class by the way Peanuts.

[lagerstarfish]

A poor variation on Jasper's favorite joke

No sound at work. Which joke?

The man whose head is half an orange

[Will Hunt]

Where did you hear the orange head joke? Ive been telling that for years!
Some people love it, with some people it dives. My friend loved it and told it to her dad who then locked her out of the house for a while.

[GCW]

Does the unfunny lassie look like Dave McLeod, or haven't I drunk enough?

[Houdini]

You can tell by the fingers . . .




                                           Schpoo - kay . . .

[GCW]

Mmmmm.  She's kinda sexy

[Jaspersharpe]

Where did you hear the orange head joke? Ive been telling that for years!

I read an article years ago where some comedian quoted it as his favourite joke.

[grumpycrumpy]

Heard the orange head joke from 'Dancing John' ..... Lager's mate as immortalised in video by his belly flop finishes and dirty sn**gering ......

[Jaspersharpe]

Yeah he got it from me. I used to bore people with it in The Broadfield many years ago.

Along with..........

A bloke sees a sign in front of a house that reads "Talking dog for sale" so rings the doorbell.

The dog answers the door and the man asks him for his story.

"I worked for the government for a while in espionage." says the dog "I travelled the world eavesdropping on world leaders, military generals and the like. I was incredibly successful and made a fortune as well as befriending a lot of very powerful people."

"Really?" says the man "That's amazing."

"Then I got a job at Heathrow working in undercover security." continues the dog "I foiled terrorist plots and broke up a major drugs ring. I won loads of medals and even met the Queen."

The man is stunned and when the owner arrives minutes later asks him how much he wants for the dog.

"A tenner." Says the owner.

"Ten pounds!?" exclaims the bloke "But this dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a fucking liar." replies the owner "He never did any of that stuff."

[grumpycrumpy]

Nice one youth .... In retaliation ...

A man with a frog on his head  walks into a doctor's surgery .....
'Bloody Hell , says the doctor , where did that come from '
'It started off as a wart on my foot ' ...... 

[Dr T]

 

[Houdini]

" . . . anyway I love English food . . ."


Thats the spirit Dr T . . .        No-one is abouve or below laughter . . .

[SA Chris]

Two  Al-Qaeda mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mums pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing...

"This is my oldest son, Mohammed.  He would be 24 now".

The other mum replies, "I remember him as a baby."

Mum says, "He's a martyr now."

"Oh, so sad my dear."

Mum flips to another picture.  "And this is my second son, Kalid.  He would be 21."

"Oh I remember him.  He had such curly hair when he was born."

Mum sighs, "He's a martyr, too."

"Oh gracious me ," says the second mother.

"And this is my third son.  My beautiful Ahmed!  He would be 18", Mum  whispers.

"Yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He's a martyr also", Mum says, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second mother looks wistfully at the photos and says...........







 

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

 

[grumpycrumpy]

Two parrots on a perch .... One says to the other 'Can you smell fish ?'

[andy_e]

  *groan*

That took a while. Note to self: wake up.

[cofe]

what did st patrick say to the snakes as he was driving them out of ireland?

















you alright in the back there lads?

[SA Chris]

Probably old, but I hadn't heard it before.


At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The English gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. All Englishmen have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained.

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D- Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any f*cking Frenchmen to show it to"

 

 

[Nibile]

one family is going to have a barbecue during the summer, with all the neighbours.
the father says to his son: listen, be polite, don't start telling your stupid, vulgar jokes!
the son replies: but dad, i'm always sked to tell jokes by your friends!!!
the father: ok, but even so, don't tell jokes and don't be vulgar.

during the barbecue, obviously some people call the boy and ask him to tell one or two of his funny jokes, but he sadly refuses. when asked why, he says that his father told so, and that he can't use bad words.
one of the men says: ok, listen, tell us a joke, and when you have to pronounce a bad word, instead of that you'll use a number, and we all will understad the meaning nonetheless. ok?

ok, says the boy, so the joke sounds like this: "one two three four and he fucked her".

[Night Worker]

What's the difference between Max Moseley and Robert Mugabe?


Max Moseley admits it when he's been beaten.

[lagerstarfish]

The other day I needed to pay a visit, so I found a public toilet. It had two cubicles. One door was locked so I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

 A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'

 Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'

 After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'

 Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly: 'Just having a quick poo.How about yourself?'

 The next thing I heard him say was - 'Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back.
 I've got some dickhead in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say'.

[Bowie]

Subject: The ATO  (Australian Tax Office)

The ATO decides to audit Roger, and summons him to the ATO office. The ATO auditor is not surprised when Roger shows up with his lawyer.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Roger. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Roger says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Roger removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Roger says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Roger isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Roger removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Roger's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Roger asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Roger stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Roger's lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the lawyer. "This morning, when Roger told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.

[Jaspersharpe]

Class.

[lagerstarfish]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.  There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.  He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.  If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate.  However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever.  The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and water to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

"He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue" the rabbi said. "First, he tells me we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi.  "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."