Salutations Prince Lagerstarfish.
Let me introduce myself. I am Field Marshall Augustus, recently retired leader of the people's free democracy of Hessle, and I understand your predicament. I too have a minor difficulty, as £10000000.17 is trapped in an submarine trading account and I am unable to liquids it's freedom without your humble most assistance.
If you are able to supply me with your bank account number and sort code, I can release my undying funds and suitable re-imburse you 20% of the total, plus civil service daily subsistence rates for your trouble. furthermore, my most honourable brother (reg) has most incredible experience of sourcing flexible-arm monitor wall securing fastening attachments. For no extra charge I will empower him to help you in your most noble quest.
Yours Augustus Asparagus (retired)