[SA Chris]

The wife left me a note on the fridge......"Its not working !! I can't take it anymore, I have gone to stay at my Mom's".

I opened the fridge, the light came on & the beer was cold so I took one.....Fuck knows what the bitch is on about?

[lagerstarfish]

At her request, I've just been trying to change the neighbour's daughter's password to "Twilight"

Apparently this is not possible because the characters are too weak

[mrjonathanr]

In view of your moniker, is there a smallerstarfish?

[tomtom]

In view of your moniker, is there a smallerstarfish?

Shandystarfish

[mrjonathanr]

If I'd suffered a broken ankle I'd be a bitterstarfish.

[slackline]

Grammar.The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

[tomtom]

A racist, and adulterer and a premier league footballer walk in to the bar.

Bar man says "usual Mr Terry?"

[tomtom]

If I'd suffered a broken ankle I'd be a bitterstarfish.

6 million dollar starfish? (6MDS for short..)

[aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB]

[I refer you to thread title - "Only Joking"]

Now established under case law: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-19009344

[tomtom]

[I refer you to thread title - "Only Joking"]

Now established under case law: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-19009344

Ahh.. but reading the above I'm not using my real name (which if the plod ask is Jasper Sharpe btw ) ... hmm..

[butters]

I rang Babestation the other night and the girl said "Hi sexy, what can I do for you"? I said "Fucking hide, my wife's coming home and I've lost the remote".

[SA Chris]

First Vidal Sassoon, then Gore Vidal. I'm happy to sacrifice Martin Gore if it means Chris Martin will follow.

[namnok]

the winner of the funniest joke at Edinburgh fringe has been awarded

[andy_e]

I thought the Edinburgh fringe had comedians?

[SA Chris]

I like how they put a pic of Posh and Becks and tell us what their kids' names are, just in case we don't get the joke.

[aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB]

They were a bit poor this year, weren't they?

Compare. Contrast

2009: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/theatre/edinburgh-festival/6080950/Funniest-jokes-top-10-gags-at-Edinburgh-Fringe.html

2010: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202

2011: http://jokerswildonline.com/2011/08/26/2011-edinburgh-festival-best-one-liners/

PS. The set-up for Tim Vine's 2nd placed one in 2011 is wrong, it should be "I got sacked from work for exposing myself in a lift: HR told me '…'"

[dave]

How did they let that sarah miilcan into those lists - I didn't even know she was a comedian. And I've seen her routines.

Tim Vine should get some kind of award for consistently good puns/onelines. My hero.

[SA Chris]

I'd vote that silly cow most deserving of a smack in the mouth.

[andy_e]

Maybe it's the delivery, but I never find one-liners funny when I see them written down.

[namnok]

Maybe it's the delivery, but I never find one-liners funny when I see them written down.

...

[andy popp]

What's the last thing a stripper does with her asshole before going to work?











Drops him at band practice.

[willackers]

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! ... Just kidding, I don't know what he got, he hasn't opened his presents yet.

[mrjonathanr]

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! ... Just kidding, I don't know what he got, he hasn't opened his presents yet.

A place in the Paralympic team? Cute timing.

[SA Chris]

No Applause.

[andy_e]