[dave]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532

my favourite there from the genius Time Vine:

"Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

[cofe]

i liked the last one too, and the chess one.

saw a bit of tim vine live on itv4 the other day, only gag i can remember is:

'A friend of mine always said he wanted to be killed by a steam train. When it finally happened he was chuffed to bits.'

[iain_cbr]

Caught a bit of tim vine on the tellybox, and the funniest bit for me (for many silly reasons) was the pen behind the ear bit. Daft, but brimfull of chortles!

[aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532

my favourite there from the genius Time Vine:

"Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

I preferred the orgiinal version - "I got fired from work for exposing myself in the lift…"

[slackline]

Working For the Council     
       
     
  A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

 The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

 He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

 "Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

 "Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

 The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

 Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

 The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

 The interviewer grimaces and then says,

 "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.

 Our normal hours are from 8.00am  to 4.00pm.....

 but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

 The bloke is puzzled and asks,

 "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm,

 why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

 "What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,
 "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks.

 There's no f---ing point in you coming in for that."

[c.j.d.]

Welsh humor:

Did you hear about the magic tractor?  It turned into a field.

[tomtom]

Welsh humor:

Did you hear about the magic tractor?  It turned into a field.

  Fab-lous

[dave]

A book fell on my head the other day.

I've only got my shelf to blame.

[tomtom]

A book fell on my head the other day.

I've only got my shelf to blame.

Keep em coming, they're only torturing my friend Glenn, who I'm text relaying them to...

[dave]

The advantage of easy origami; its two-fold....

[andy popp]

How d'you turn a duck into a soul singer?



Put it in an oven till its bill withers.

[SA Chris]

We're dredging up some old ones here.

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won the Nobel Prize?

He was out standing in his field.

[tomtom]

We're dredging up some old ones here.

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won the Nobel Prize?

He was out standing in his field.

#fail already sent him that one...

Tractor turning is a genius joke..

[slackline]

Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said,

"I think I lost an electron!"

"Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?"


"Yes, I 'm absolutely positive."

[SA Chris]

#fail already sent him that one...

So sorry, but I'm not a journalist and therefore can't intercept your phone conversations.

A study has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she's ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged & masculine features. However, if she's menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth & a spear lodged in his chest with a cricket bat up his ass

[dave]

A friend of mine is off to a reggae themed party, and I agreed to do their hair.

To be honest I'm dreading it.

[SA Chris]

The biggest difference between men & women is what they mean when they say "I went through a whole box of tissues whilst watching that movie."

[Clart]

"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here," said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

[tomtom]

"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here," said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

I saw that one coming..

[tomtom]

"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here," said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

Or may be I'd heard it before

[Big Dave]

What are the small dark hairs found in a school girls knickers?
 
Kevin Websters moustache!
 
 

[slackline]

A mature (over 70) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

 Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
 Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

 Older Woman: Oh, I see.

 Officer: Can I see your license please?

 Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

 Officer: Don't have one?

 Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

 Officer: I see..Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

 Older Woman: I can't do that.

 Officer: Why not?

 Older Woman: I stole this car.

 Officer: Stole it?

 Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

 Officer: You what?

 Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

 The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

 Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

 Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

 Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

 Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

 Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

 The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

 Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

 Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
 The officer is quite stunned.

 Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

 The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

 The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

 Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

 Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB]

An Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman walk into a bar.

The Welshman's still in New Zealand.

[Jaspersharpe]

In a generous offer similar to Arsenal's earlier in the season, Manchester United have offered to pay for any fans who were at Old Trafford on Sunday to travel from London to the next home game.

[butters]