[SA Chris]

I met a popstar in a nightclub last night and we ended up getting really drunk and going back to my place.

She was all over me in the taxi, stroking and caressing my body and whispering filth into my ear,
but as soon as she got through the front door she stiffened up and her attitude changed completely.

"What the fuck is that pathetic little thing?" she demanded. "How the hell do you think that you're going to satisfy me with that?"

"I'm sorry, Adele," I replied, "it's the biggest fridge I could afford."

[DaveC]

An Englishman, an Irishman, an American, a Pole, a Hungarian, a Japanese, an Australian, a New Zealander, a Dane, a Norwegian, an Indian, a Filipino, an Italian, a Frenchman and a German all walk into a bar, the barman says..........."sorry, you can't come in here without a thai......"

[slackline]

A guy out for a drink with his mates sees a pretty girl and tries to charm her by saying, "I was gonna tell you a joke about my dick. but it's too long..." 

She replies, "That's funny, I was gonna tell you a joke about my pussy... but you'll never get it."

[slackline]

[Jaspersharpe]

When my wife told me she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

[Turboman]

A doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. 

   You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...  Something happened.  I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy   was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.  It's £1,000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you   want.  But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch   one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had   a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be   disappointed.  So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops." 

[slackline]

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Ralphy says, 'I have a question for you.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little Ralphy replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with
the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

[aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB]

Bah. Cold-selling & leafleting  / prosletysing in the streets is tarting to piss me off.

Especially as both religious sects and the 'phone companies are now getting their people to cross-advertise.

You've got your hari krishnas selling you Orange tariffs, Gideons and their unlimited free texts, trappist monks and their zero talktime deals, catholics getting you to sign up to 3, and Mormon missionaries flogging pray-as-you-go.

Even even the so-called Jedis are touting Yodafone offerings.

[tomtom]

that is a truly awful joke...

[peewee]

that is a truly awful joke...

 

[aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB]

that is a truly awful joke...

 

Divvent fash yersens marras. I come pre-supplied with my coat!

[tomtom]

[iain_cbr]

I went for a night out with the mrs to a posh restaurant. The wife was in the toilet when the waiter came to ask for our drinks order. I ordered a pint of lager, and he said "and what will the lady be having?" I replied "dunno, probably a shit."

[chriss]

I just slept with a girl with eczema.............

Cracking fannny!

[SA Chris]

Heard this many moons ago, but only starting to really appreciate it now;

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 15 metres above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude drifting with the wind at about 0.5 metres per second on a heading of 036 degrees."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." 
The man below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!"

[slackline]

  I've an unusual amount of empathy for the engineer.

[Jaspersharpe]

Yep. You could replace engineer with many different professions!

[slackline]

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving
efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and
thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to
iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be
administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'
sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up
konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be
made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be
announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.
This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.
Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as
though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the
skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th'
by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh
is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be
dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid
to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and
evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt
vud finali hav kum tru.

[rainy sun daze]

I would like to share a Valantines poem that has never failed to get me into a chicks pants....
Roses are Red,
Violets are blue.
I have a knife, get in the van...

Those roses were wilted
The violets dead too
My pepper spray hurt
   Sweet!
      A van from you!!
shaken not stirred,  beep beep...

[rainy sun daze]

What's the difference between a rottweiler and a poodle?

If a rotti starts humping your leg let him finish.

[rainy sun daze]

very funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes!

[Mike Tyson]

Big fish little fish, cardboard box.

I fucking hate stock takes at Birdseye.

[Mike Tyson]

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

[dave]

Apparently this last week Rupert Murdoch has been deeply touched by some of the messages people left on Amy Winehouse's phone.

[SA Chris]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532