[Idol eyes]

Emo was Genius!
"I love going to the park, all the kids running round... Screaming and shouting. They dont know its not loaded!!!"
Elephat and Club one is well tickle...

[SA Chris]

So true

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!"
One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..

[john horscroft]

And my personal favourite:

My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading...

[john horscroft]

The greatest religious joke of all time:

http://www.emophilips.com/video/video/244

[SA Chris]

Apparently.

I prefer; Did you hear what happened to Jesus? He went for a walk and got hit by a speedboat.

[Jaspersharpe]

There's been some controversy about Keith Chegwin passing off other people's jokes as his own on Twitter. Storm in a teacup if you ask me but as I was saying to aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB the other day it did spawn some amusing "jokes Cheggers can't steal" the best of which was:

What's black & white & red all over?






Keith Chegwin is a fucking cunt.

[luckyjez]

I went to an Indian restaurant called "A Taste of the Raj" last night.
The waiters beat me with sticks and made me build a complicated railway system.

[Drew]

Apparently, the top ten jokes from the Fringe:

1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

[lagerstarfish]

A farmer in Barnsley catches a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts,

"Eh-up cock, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watter from theer.....its full o hoss piss an cow shite."

The bloke says, " I am not from this country, can you speak a bit slower please?"

"Ok" the farmer replies, "I said if you use two hands my friend you'll drink it quicker."

[Clart]

I asked the missus to give me a Chilean Miner last night.

"What's that?", she asked

"Well", I said, "I want you to go down to the end of my shaft and stay there 'til Christmas".

[soapy]

..josef fritzel's being flown to chile.


apparently he has invaluable experience in keeping minors alive underground

[tomtom]

Q. What do you call a woman with two cunts?
A. N-Dubz

[lagerstarfish]

[aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB]

There's two fish on a parrot, and one says to the other:

Does this taste funny to you?

So the other one says:

Just eat your chips then!

[Will Hunt]

Two parrots sitting on a perch. One asks, "Can you smell fish?"

[butters]

If we are going down the line of crap parrot jokes...

Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

[Baldy]

What's that got to do with parrots then?

 

[butters]

What's that got to do with parrots then?

 

I have no idea and I wrote it... perhaps they were Parrot Fish?   

[Baldy]

Like this?

[aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB]

MEIN HUND HAST KEINE NASE!

[andy_e]

How does it smell?

[aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB]

WIR GIB IHR NICHT!

[slackline]

This parrot is no more... by slack---line, on Flickr

'Nuff said on the parrot front!

[GCW]

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?

Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

[Drew]

Hahaha
Hahahahahaha
Hahahahahahahaha
Thud