[Nibile]

overheard the other day in the gym.
in africa a boy asks his father: daddy, can i play with your cock?
and the father: yes, but don't go far.

[SA Chris]

I know that somewhere, out there, my old dad is looking down on us.

He isn't dead, just very condescending.

[Jaspersharpe]

Jimmy Carr?

EDIT - No, Jack Whitehall and it Robbie Williams telling it at the Electric Proms that I'd heard.

[SA Chris]

Jack Whitehall originally.

I didn't watch Robbie Williams at the Electric Proms, so will have to take your word on that one!

[Jaspersharpe]

Me neither. They played the clip (of the joke) on the radio. Thought it was too funny for him!

[JohnM]

What's the difference between Father Christmas and Tiger Woods?

Father Christmas stops at three ho's!

[SA Chris]

Me neither.

No need to deny it, you are amongst friends here. First step to curing you of robbieism is for you to admit you are are robbieholic.

[tommytwotone]

Couple from yesterday's Guardian cracker jokes special....

Q) What's Tiger Woods' wife getting for Xmas?

A) Half of everything.

Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… Or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.

Q) What's short, furry and very dangerous?

A) Sex with a bear.

[benpritch]

What's the difference between a Tarka Dahl and a normal Dahl?









Tarka's a little 'otter.

[Clart]

Why men don't write agony aunt columns:

Dear Walter:

         I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work
         leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I
         hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked
         out and the car shuddered to a halt.

         I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
         couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour
         lady making mad passionate love to her.

         I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve
         years.

         When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into
         the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue
         but found her unconscious.  He'd carried the woman back to our
         house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she
         immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was
         attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him
         why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and
         admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six
         months.

         I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his
         job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly
         depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I
         gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I
         don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

         Can you please help?

         Sincerely,
         Mrs. Sheila Usk


 Dear Sheila:

         A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused
         by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that
         there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the
         jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold.
         If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that
         the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to
         the carburettor float chamber.

         I hope this helps.

         Walter

[aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB]

[At the risk of repeating someone else, I'm not trawling through 20-odd pages.]

There's three old women in a bar, sat in the snug and they're talking about their husbands.

The first says, "mine's like a peacock, he's always got to be sharply dressed, and he's always got to be seen to be sharply dressed. Parading and preening himself all the time"

The second says, "huh. Mine's like a bantam cock. He's always spoiling for a fight, and he's always willing to let his fists do his talking first."

And the third says, "mine's like a thrush".


And the other two say, "eh? What do you mean?"

"Well", she said. "He's such an irritating cunt".

[lagerstarfish]

A Donny man guz to' vet.

'e sez to' vet: "There's summat wrong wi' me cat"

Vet sez: "Is it a tom?"

Donny Man sez: "No, ah've browt it wi' me."

[mrjonathanr]

un frances esta esperando el tren en la estacion. Pasa otro tren, un intercity muy rapido, y el viento que causa por su rapidez hace subir la falda de una mujer joven y muy guapa que esta a unos pasos de el en el mismo anden. Al ver subir la falda (y todo que cubria) el  frances dice al pasajero a su lado, con una sonrisa ligera,
- C'est lavie! Ah, c'est la vie!
El espanol responde
-Yo tambien la vi, pero no hay que decirlo, cono!

[namnok]

just driving my new toyota prius.

chat later can't stop! 

[cowboyhat]

So JT was sleeping with Wayne Bridge's girl.

Poor old Wayne - he wasn't even first choice with his missus.

[Jaspersharpe]

From @VizTopTips

Watching the one you love whilst they sleep is very romantic. But remember not to drop your binoculars.

[Somebody's Fool]

On a Top Tip tip...

Employers. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately throwing half the CVs you receive in the bin.

[slackline]

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the Vet

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."




A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

[grumpycrumpy]

You can always tell a Yorkshireman .....


But you can't tell him much ......

[tomtom]

You can always tell a Yorkshireman .....


But you can't tell him how much ......

 

[SA Chris]

Those yorkshire ones remind of the old NTNOCN (?)  Swedish Chemist Joke (I won't do the accent)

"I would like to buy some deodorant please"

"Would you like ball or aerosol"

"Neither, I want it for my armpits"

[aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB]

You can always tell a Yorkshireman .....


But you can't tell him much ......

I think you'll find it's "but he won't listen"

[grumpycrumpy]

You can always tell a Yorkshireman .....


But you can't tell him much ......

I think you'll find it's "but he won't listen"

I presume you're from Yorkshire , Alice .....

[fatdoc]

throw the pile down the stairs...

those that dont get to bottom get binned.

[slackline]

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.  Since they get chips from many difference casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings...

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby fanciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.






This is done by the chip monks.