[andy_e]

No Dylan, it means you have at minimum a reasonable taste in music.

[slackline]

The worst is perhaps this...

Vice : How old are you?
Helen 19. Wait, no, 18. 19 next month.

Vice : But would it be possible to maybe come to a compromise with a noble race like the Chinese? Perhaps keep them on as a sort of servant class?

Helen Yeah. I wouldn’t mind them if they actually worked and didn’t take all of our jobs, basically. I wouldn’t mind them if they contributed something to this country.

How exactly do you think they are supposed to work without taking a job you dumb bint 

[GCW]

Are you just copying the comments at the bottom of the page, Slackers? 

[slackline]

Are you just copying the comments at the bottom of the page, Slackers? 

 

[slackline]

Some class articles from the Daily Mash (as befits such a bespoke publication)...

Not as Scared as we should be

Royal College of Mouthy, Teenage Skanks

Backpacker found, smelling of prostitutes

 

[Idol eyes]

Was really upset when Micheal jacksons funeral was aired... whan his brothers were carring his coffin... i was gutted, thought Cool Runnings was on and I love that film!

[SA Chris]

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you !'

[slackline]

I hate my job...

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.







A young couple had just had great sex. When they were finished, she looked in the box of condoms, but there were only six left out of twelve, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."
Later, she then approached one of her Male friends, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he said.
"You mean you've actually wanked with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

[Clart]

That Scooby Doo joke is genius! 

[Idol eyes]

Deaf kid goes to the local disco... after busting his moves he approches the DJ and asks... "can you play disco bunny?", the DJ looks puzzled and replies that he has never heard of the song... "DISCO BUNNY, its really famouths", the DJ looks through his collection and shakes his head... "Disco Bunny,,, Cliff Richard", The DJ loses his rag and says, "how does it fucking go then, coz I never fucking heard it?" the boy starts to cry, and wimpers the song "Disco Bunny, How we don talk anymore!!!"

[tomtom]

Deaf kid goes to the local disco... after busting his moves he approches the DJ and asks... "can you play disco bunny?", the DJ looks puzzled and replies that he has never heard of the song... "DISCO BUNNY, its really famouths", the DJ looks through his collection and shakes his head... "Disco Bunny,,, Cliff Richard", The DJ loses his rag and says, "how does it fucking go then, coz I never fucking heard it?" the boy starts to cry, and wimpers the song "Disco Bunny, How we don talk anymore!!!"

That jokes so bad it made me chuckle at its sheer badness.. 

[Control freak]

Random quotes

- More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong.
- I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
- Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
- Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
- Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
- There is a great need for sarcasm font.
- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
- I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies".
- What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
- Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning that just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
- If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem …
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
- I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
- When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
- I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
- Why is a school zone 25 km/h? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for paedophiles...
- As a driver I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
- My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
- I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
- The other night I ordered take away and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

[milksnake]

Hedgehogs, why can't they just share?

[slackline]

Hedgehogs, why can't they just share?

Why not stick the other runners up too?

[tomtom]

The athlete who had the gender test - Caster Semenya - her name is an anagram of "Yes A Secret Man"

[Jaspersharpe]

This is shit, but still funny..........

http://channelbee.com/comedy/show/video/606

[slackline]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"



I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"

[tommytwotone]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"



I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"

Quality - I'm doing a best man's speech in a few weeks and so wish I could get away with using that!

[Will Hunt]

Jasper. Words escape me. 

[notbadforafatlad]

Paris Hilton walks into the Dry Cleaners. She hands her laundry over and the lady behind the counter says "Thanks, Come again."
Paris replies "No, just toothpaste this time."

[tomtom]

May be the wrong thread.. 

[slackline]

Next time your on a train i dare you to do this!




1- Remove your lap top from its bag

2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully

3- Turn on

4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching

5- Turn on the Internet

6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer

7- Take a deep breath and open this site:
http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html

8-Observe the facial expression of your neighboring passenger


 

[slackline]

Keith Floyd is due to be cremated tomorrow...gas mark 6 for three hours.

[SA Chris]

Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge (apparently best joke at Edinburgh Festival).

In what Scottish county are you if it is very difficult to move?  In Ayrshire

(sorry I know it's terrible).

[grumpycrumpy]

What do you call a man with no shins ? ....


Tony .....