[grumpycrumpy]

Every day for ten years a bunch of workmates have played dominoes at lunchtime , and every day for ten years the same bloke has won ...... Well the rest of them get heartily sick of this and after his latest victory they push him over a table , pull down his jeans and shreddies and shove the dominoes one by one up his poop chute ..... In total agony he runs through the factory to the medical centre , straight through the waiting room , past the recepetionist and into the doctor's surgery ..... The doctor looks up from the patient he's examining and says   ..... ' Don't you ever knock ?' ......     

[andy_e]

What do you call a fat prostitute in space?














A meaty whore

[milksnake]

A young boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulan Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"

A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth.

"What happened?", he asked.

"Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulan Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and they beat the crap out of me!"

"Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?"

"Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?"

"Oh!" replied the grandad. "The SS."

[Houdini]

Top Notch.   

[lagerstarfish]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"

"What powerful rivers"

"What beautiful animals"

he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look.

He saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.

He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident."

"Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
 
The atheist looked directly into the light,

"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

[jern]

Gary Glitter's been given a date for his release from jail.




She's 8, but with makeup looks about 12.

[milksnake]

can anyone name a famous jewish baker?







A; Adolf Hitler.

[milksnake]

What goes:
click "it is done yet?" click "is it done yet?" click "is it done yet?" click "is it done yet?" click "it is done yet?" click "is it done yet?" click "is it done yet?" click "is it done yet?"

David Blunkett doing a Rubiks Cube.

[lagerstarfish]

recieved from Dancing John today...

A bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank. So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank. Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to the top. "Sh*t!" thinks our man, first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits, what am I going to do? He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything. Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the fence where it is devoured by the lions. He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! a lump of turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game. Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage - splat! goes another turd, and splat! another makes a direct hit. For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2 monkeys, killing them stone dead. "Sh*t and double sh*t!" thinks our man, look what I've done now, what am I going to do? So he thinks to himself, the lions worked last time maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they? He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs then over the fence where they are promptly devoured by the lions. Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks what wants doing next. Where he is told to collect the honey from the Amazonian killer bees. He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive when a bee stings him, then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he lashes out with the honey soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp. "Sh*t, Not Again!!!" he thinks and as you might have guessed the lions eat anything, so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where they are devoured by the lions. The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions. "Hello" he says. "Alright" say the other lions "What's it like here then?" asks the new lion "Not bad" say the other lions "Food ok?" enquires the new lion "Yeah, brilliant, yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"

[Houdini]

can anyone name a famous jewish baker?







A; Adolf Hitler.

=)

[Jaspersharpe]

lagers - I VERY nearly puntered you for posting that shite joke. When John sent it to me I gave him some grief and deleted the fucker immediately.

  

[Jaspersharpe]

At the risk of being puntered myself, this is the best I've heard in a while......

Bloke calls directory enquiries and asks for the number for Mary Jones in Birmingham. Operator says "There are a lot of people with that name in the city sir, do you have a street name?" Bloke says "Well my mates sometimes call me Ice Man but what's that got to do with it?"

[Houdini]

Now that's magic.   

[Zods Beard]

Don't listen to those philistines lagers, thats a top joke, here'e a similar one.

Man walks into a restaurant, the waiter comes over and asks what will it be sir. The man replies squid please! So he goes to the tank to pick one. In the corner he spies one, hiding away, it seems a bit green, with a hairy lip, but because he feels sorry for it he decides to eat it. Very good sir says the waiter, and trots off the kitchen to have it cooked. But all the chefs refuse too cook it tho. Look how small he is, we can't do it they say, until only Hans the dishwasher is left. Sensing his moment he steps up with a knife, but one look in that sad, inky black eye, leaves him in tears. I can't do it he wails running back to the dishes. The waiter sighs, and returns to the customer. Sorry sir you will have to make another choice because Hans that does dishes is as soft as your face with a mild green hairy lipped squid.

[andy_e]

   but also 

[rodma]

Don't listen to those philistines lagers, thats a top joke, here'e a similar one.

Man walks into a restaurant, the waiter comes over and asks what will it be sir. The man replies squid please! So he goes to the tank to pick one. In the corner he spies one, hiding away, it seems a bit green, with a hairy lip, but because he feels sorry for it he decides to eat it. Very good sir says the waiter, and trots off the kitchen to have it cooked. But all the chefs refuse too cook it tho. Look how small he is, we can't do it they say, until only Hans the dishwasher is left. Sensing his moment he steps up with a knife, but one look in that sad, inky black eye, leaves him in tears. I can't do it he wails running back to the dishes. The waiter sighs, and returns to the customer. Sorry sir you will have to make another choice because Hans that does dishes is as soft as your face with a mild green hairy lipped squid.

I think you may have forgotten that the chef was called "Gervais"

[SA Chris]

Houston is going to be renamed Tina Turner, as it's about to get a battering from Ike.

[fatneck]

 

[Zods Beard]

I think you may have forgotten that the chef was called "Gervais"

Que?

Anyway, Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are battling it out on the death star, lightsabers clashing, they come face to face, I know what your getting for christmas Luke, says Darth, Nooo screams Skywalker. They clash together again, Luke, I know what you getting for christmas, Nooo screams Skywalker again, as the Emperor cackles in the background. One last time they clash, and Vader repeats the same phrase, I know what your getting for christmas, Skywalker pushes him away, and says For fucks sake Darth, how do you know then? Vader replies...










I felt your presents.

[rodma]

I think you may have forgotten that the chef was called "Gervais"

Que?

Sorry, should've explained. Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervais, etc.

I apologise in advance for the joke below, but it is one of my favourites

Did you hear the one about the gay ghosts?


















They gave each other the willies.

[SA Chris]

I'm sure I have put it on here before, but anyway

A bloke goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I'm having serious troubles with my hearing"

Doctor says " OK, What are the symptoms?"

Bloke says " A yellow family in a cartoon?"

[milksnake]

whats the difference between tampons and traffic wardens?


nothing, they're all stuck up cunts!

[Kingy]

One day a chip became really hungry and wandered into his local pub. He waited patiently by the bar while the barman served other customers. Sure enough, after a few minutes the barman asked the chip what he wanted. "I'll have a steak and ale pie with mashed potatoes please."


























"I'm sorry we don't serve food in here", replied the barman.

[lagerstarfish]

Ugly bloke in a bar on his own as usual, and the barman says, "I haven't seen you in here in a while."
The bloke says, "no, I haven't been in, and I'll tell you why."
"A few weeks back I was walking down by the railway tracks and I found this girl tied to the railway lines. So I untied her and took her home. And... well, we had sex. It was amazing. In the bedroom, in the kitchen, anywhere. And it's been like that ever since. So you can understand why I haven't been in."
"Seems fair enough," says the barman, "Good for you, mate! So tell me about this girl then. Is she a looker?"
"I dunno," says the guy,
"I never found her head."

[lagerstarfish]

The banking crisis has hit Japan.

Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank is having to trim some of its branches.
 
Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is reputedly going for a song.

Shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank are getting the chop.
 
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there are
expecting a raw deal.

On the bright side, Ninja Bank is still in the black.