[lagerstarfish]

Two social workers meet at a conference and discover that they are both into bee-keeping.
One asks the other:

"How many bees do you keep?"

"I've got 3 hives, in all I've got around 50,000 bees" answered his colleague.

"So how many bees have you got?" the second beekeeper inquires.

"Oh, about a million or so"

"A Million?! How many hives do you have?"

"Just the one"

"You've got a million bees in one hive?"

"Yeah. Fuck 'em, they're only bees"

[GCW]

Lagers, I dunno whether to laugh or punter ya


Two men are playing tennis, one man falls and hits his elbow and wants to go to the doctor.  The other man says  "Don't waste any money on the doctors, just go inside the chemists down the street, put £10 in the machine in the corner, piss in the cup, let it do its thing and a slip of paper will come out that tells you what you have".

So he goes to the store puts ten quid in the machine, pisses in the cup and out comes a piece of paper it says "You have tennis elbow.  Take this ointment and apply it on your elbow 3-4 times a daily".  He goes home wondering how it knew what was wrong, and wanted to see if this machine is a real miracle worker.

He goes home and gets his sisters piss, brothers piss, dogs piss, and masturbates into the cup goes back to the chemist, puts a tenner in the machine and places the cup in the machine. The paper comes out and says "Your sister has gonorrhea, your brother is gay, your dog has worms, and if you keep jacking-off like that you'll never lose that tennis elbow.

[Jaspersharpe]

Two social workers meet at a conference and discover that they are both into bee-keeping.
One asks the other:

"How many bees do you keep?"

etc etc

http://ukbouldering.com/board/index.php/topic,6086.msg148656.html#msg148656

 

Good joke that although the version Craig told me years ago never involved social workers at a conference.

[lagerstarfish]

I was going to make it 2 Chinese fur farmers, but decided that 2 social workers was more surreal.

[SA Chris]

Bubba's mention of shampoo reminded me of an old one;

Two rabbits born and bred in a laboratory make an escape and head for the hills. The find a nice warren full of wild rabbit and settle in.

The one rabbit says to the other "this is great! Sunshine, all the food and water we want, our choice of lady rabbits, could it be better?"
The other rabbits says "Yeah, it's good, but I'm heading back to the lab"
"Why?" asks the first rabbit?
The other says "I'm gasping for a cigarette"


Short One;

Jesus went for a walk the other day. He got hit by a speedboat.

[jern]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “No, you dick, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

[lagerstarfish]

How Do You Spell Canada?
C eh? N eh? D eh?

[milksnake]

whats pink 10 inches long and makes women cry and scream?










cot death.

[Idol eyes]

Go and find a corner of the world and wait until something resembles death, asshole!

[slackline]

Why do women watch pr0no's to the end?












They're waiting for the wedding.

[Nibile]

two friends meet again in a park after many many years. while they're talking, the first man's wife walks there, and asks him if he wants an ice cream. the man says "yes my love" and she goes to get one. the friend asks "hey how long have you been married?" "twenty years now" is the answer.
"wow - says the friend - twenty years of marriage and you still call her 'my love'!!!"
and the man: "you know, i fucking forgot her name!!!"

[milksnake]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard borders on the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his pecker through the bushes, I say: £20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of 'em pays up!"

[Houdini]

Nice one Milkshake, but I liked the cotdeath one better.   

[milksnake]

ok how about this one.
I was in a pub and told the following joke:

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked.

"No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".

[milksnake]

or,
whats worse than 10 babies stapled to a tree?

1 baby stapled to 10 trees
 

[SA Chris]

Two welshmen are drunk and stumbling around Soho after visiting London to watch the rugby.

They get seperated, and the one guy staggers up to a prostitute and asks "Have you seen Evan?"

To which the prostitute lifts up her skirt and says "Darling, this is 'eaven"

The guy tries to focus, stares for a second and says "Nah, he's definitely a bigger cunt than that".

[Jaspersharpe]

Cliff Richard and Paul McCartney are out fishing at sea. Cliff turns to paul and says "Hey, you had a lucky escape with that Heather Mills didn't you Paul?!" to which Paul replies "That's none of your business Cliff so fuck off you botox soaked, white sock wearing, mincing, christian virgin, closet homo cunt."

[soapy]

what's the difference between:

lady diana, princess of hearts


and


micheal hutchence?













..michael was wearing his belt

[dave]

George Dubya Bush gets a coded text message from Osama Bin Laden containing the following message:

 - 3 7 0 H 5 5 V -

   - 0 7 7 3 H -

The president is stumped and refers the phone the National Security Agency, who can't make any sense of it so pass it to their top codebreakers. Still no-one can crack the code and decypher the message. In desperation the Americans seek help from the UK and pass the message on to MI6. A minute later they receive a response from MI6:

"tell the president he's holding the phone upsidedown".

[grumpycrumpy]

A bloke goes into his doctors for a yearly check up . After about twenty minutes the doc comes back ' I'm sorry but I've got some bad news , you've got bubonic plague , leprosy and all the symptoms of early smallpox '...
'Shit , what can you do for me ?'
'Firstly I'm going to put you on a diet of pizza , pancakes and tortillas '......
'Pizza , pancakes and tortillas , will that help ?'
'No .... But it's the only food we'll be able to slide under the door '.....

[lagerstarfish]

One day God calls down to Noah and says,

'Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark'.

Noah replies, 'No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the guv...

But God interrupts, 'Ah, but there's a catch', this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other'..

'20 DECKS!', screams Noah. 'Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?'

'Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish', God answers.

'Fish?', queries Noah.

'Yep, fish, well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling Carp!'

Noah looks to the skies. 'OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, You want a New Ark?'

'Check'.

'With 20 decks, one on top of the other?'.

'Check'.

'And you want it full of Carp?'.

'Check'

'Why?' asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..........

'Dunno', says God, 'I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark''

[Idol eyes]

Oh Yeah.. silly, but stupid.... just like me. droppin the dark shit. whats with the kiddie philesque brigade, gotta watch these computer freaks,,, they be spendin to long alone...

[lagerstarfish]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[lagerstarfish]

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[lagerstarfish]

A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."