[GCW]

I'm in two minds as to whether I should post this as its somewhat tasteless, but what the hell....


Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

...and probably not statistically accurate, depends on participants I guess.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are in the jungle when they are captured by the local tribe as they were trespassing on holy ground.
As punishment they were to undergo a local ritual.  Each was sent into the jungle to collect fruits- 100 each.
The first back was the Scotsman, carrying an armful of small berries similar to grapes.  He was grabbed by some of the tribe and held down whilst the elder shoved all 100 berries up his arse.
The Englishman was returning to hear the screams.  When he arrived back with plums he was jumped and held down as the ritual was repeated.  50 plums rammed in and the Englishman stops screaming and starts laughing.  The elder is displeased and continues his task with extra vim and gusto.  51, 52, 53... the Englishman in pissing himself laughing.
"What's so fucking funny?" asks the elder.

"I've just seen the Irishman with 100 coconuts"

[jfw]

pineapples would be worse

[Bowie]

its not a joke so off topic but it is highly amusing - zoom in on the countries of europe (france is featured country) and click on icons to read a description. highly accurate...

http://www.theonion.com/content/atlas/

[slackline]

its not a joke so off topic but it is highly amusing - zoom in on the countries of europe (france is featured country) and click on icons to read a description. highly accurate...

http://www.theonion.com/content/atlas/

Quite amusing, I particularly liked the entry for Egypt

[Bowie]

on the only joking topic, but not a joke, went to a great (relatively new i think) little comedy club at bar abbey last night (the old picture house on abbeydale road). £2 in, 5 acts, some good, other ok, but for £2!

next event is thurs 20th dec, doors at 7.30, starts at 8.30. nice friendly vibe.
 

[Jaspersharpe]

Bit late but still funny.....

What's nine inches long and dangles in front of a cunt?

Steve McLaren's tie.

[lagerstarfish]

I recently bought a teddy bear for ten quid.
I named it Mohamed and then sold it on for twenty quid.
Have I made a real prophet?


Obviously, I haven't actually named a teddy bear in this way, or made money from such a sale.
I have, however, told a lie and put it forward as a joke - which is a wrong thing to do, apparently.

[SA Chris]

Obviously, I haven't actually named a teddy bear in this way, or made money from such a sale.
I have, however, told a lie and put it forward as a joke - which is a wrong thing to do, apparently.

Was this diclaimer to avoid sentencing?

[lagerstarfish]

Was this diclaimer to avoid sentencing?

Just to make sure that the American Christian Right don't think I'm on their side either.

[slackline]

[andy_e]

 

[GCW]

Still less disturbing than the original though.

[galpinos]

Three priests are out taking three choirboys fishing, when the boat starts to sink.
"We've got to save the boys!" screams the first priest.
"Fuck the boys!" roars the second.
The third looks nervously at the water flooding the boat and asks "Do you think we've got time?"

[Houdini]

The King of Saudi Arabia was talking to President Bush, he said, Can I ask you something personal?

Sure, go ahead, Bush said.

The King whispered confidentially, One of my many sons watches your television show Star Trek. He sees women, Blacks, Russians, and Scots, but no Saudis. Why are there no Saudis in Star Trek?

Bush whispered back, Because it's set in the future.

[lagerstarfish]

The King of Saudi Arabia was talking to President Bush, he said, Can I ask you something personal?
Sure, go ahead, Bush said.
The King whispered confidentially, One of my many sons watches your television show Star Trek. He sees women, Blacks, Russians, and Scots, but no Saudis. Why are there no Saudis in Star Trek?
Bush whispered back, Because it's set in the future.

Did you see this actually happen on CNN? Or is it just a joke?

brrrrrrr, scary monkey.

[Houdini]

'T would make a sterling avatar, chap.




I've seen the full clip, it's real.

[lagerstarfish]

'T would make a sterling avatar, chap.




I've seen the full clip, it's real.

I meant "is the Bush/Saudi King conversation real?"
and just put the gif there to illustrate the likelyhood of it happening for real.

That is the gif I re-sized for an avatar, but I got bogged down (using online editing facilities that are not blocked by work) with trying to alter it so that he was sticking his finger up Clarkson's arse. Given up for now.

[Houdini]

[cofe]

Did you hear the one about the army baker?
















He came out all buns glazing.

[r-man]

But why did the baker have brown hands?













Because he kneaded a poo.

[cofe]

word. that's a good one too. be sure to do the hand gestures when telling it.

[dave]

this is bad:
-----------------

Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one
says to the second that the average person
knows very little about basic mathematics.
The second one disagrees, and claims that most
people can cope with a reasonable amount
of mathematics.

The first mathematician goes off to the toilet,
and in his absence the second calls over the waitress.
He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has
returned, he will call her over and ask her a question.
All she has to do is answer "one third x cubed."

She repeats "one thur dex cue"?

He repeats, "one third x cubed".

She asks, "one thir dex cubed?"

"Yes, that's right," he says.

So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself,
"one thir dex cubed...".

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet
to prove his point, that most people do know something
about basic mathematics. He says he will ask the blonde waitress
an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man
calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?".

The waitress says "one third x cubed" and whilst walking away,
turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant".

[BenF]

You thought that was bad Dave... 

Two telly's met and fell in love on a rooftop.  They got married and whilst the ceremony was a bit crap, the reception was great.


(with apologies to Tommy Cooper and to everyone else)

[Dr T]

two elephants fell off a cliff




boom boom

[dave]

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the barman, 'How much for a beer?'
The barman looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'


Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!'
The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'


Where does criminal light end up?
In a prism.


Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side.