[Will Hunt]

Some love it and some hate it. Here goes...

A man walks into a bar and half of his head is a big orange. He walks up to the barkeep and orders a pint. As the barman is pulling the pint he enquires offhandly,
"I couldnt help but notice but half of your head appears to be a big orange."
"Yes", says the customer. There's a bit of a story behind that."

And so he tells his story to the barman.

"I walked into a junk shop one day and had a look round. I found a dusty old lamp so, of course, gave it a good rub.

As expected, a genie popped out.

"Good Day", said the Genie, "I will grant you the bog standard three wishes. What will your first be?"

I thought for a second before replying that I would like a wallet with £1m in it. I had heard about genies being devious bastards so I covered my back and told him that the wallet couldnt be stolen, destroyed or lost and that whenever I spent some money from it that the money would replenish itself.

The genie clapped his hands and it was done. Suddenly I felt my wallet grwoing bigger and bigger.

For my next wish I would like all the women in the world to fall in love with me and to think me incredibly handsome.

The genie clapped his hands and it was done. Instantly the women in the shop were looking round at me with lust in their eyes. The manageress gave me a cheeky wave and a wink.

"Your final wish please" the genie said.

The man thought for a second before replying,

"For my third wish I would like half of my head to be a big orange."




Thats it. Like it? Lump it?

[Idol eyes]

Like it, I love it...

[Moo]

I have some saddam hussein t shirts going cheap they're a bit tight round the neck but they hang well.

[lorentz]

Did you hear the one about the muslim fundamentalist inflatable sex doll?...   














She blows herself up... 

[lorentz]

As news of yet another spanking for the english cricket at the hands of the aussies reaches india (amid much gloating in the local press...)

>Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
what their fathers did for a living.

>All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, accountant, plumber
etc but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked
him about his father.
>
>"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out
with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him".
>
>The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy
aside to ask him if that was really true.
>
>
>"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too
embarrassed to say".

Ho ho, indeed.

[nash1]

Paul Daniels is on stage doing a live magic show. Half way through he asks if there is anyone out there in the audience who would like to come up and do a trick on stage. On the front row there is a guy with his hand up , dead keen. He gets called up and Paul says 'what's your name sir?, he says 'John'. Paul says 'Ok John, what do you need for you trick'. John replies 'I need a length of rope and the help of Debbie McGee'. A length of rope is thrown on stage and John goes up to Debbie and says 'Ok Debbie, if you would just turn around and put your hands behind your back'. He then ties her hands together, bends her over, lifts her skirt and starts shagging her from behind. Paul cries 'wait a minute, that's no trick'. John smiles and says 'Yeah I know, but it's fuckin' magic'.

Ba boom.

[Idol eyes]

A bloke and his bird are in the sack, when after snuggling up for a while, the guy decides to go for it, the gal stops him cold "I dont feel like it! I just want you to hold me..." the dude is like "WHAT!", the chick explains that he must be in touch with her feminine needs as an emotional woman...
As nothing is going to happen, he thinks about how to overcome this issue next time.
The next day, he takes his totty into town and takes her to the department store, trying on the best outfits, angling the finest shoes on her feet and lacing the most expensive jewlry from her neck and ears, she gathers a whole new look and is blown away by his generosity, "this is going to cost a fortune" she cries with excitment, "no, its not" he replies, I just wanted you to hold this for a while, you need to be in tune to my financial needs as a man"...

[Mike Tyson]

A son asks his father

Whats the difference between "Theoretically" and "Realistically"

Dad says thats a tricky one, but I have an idea. Go and ask your mum if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million pounds.

Mother says yes.

Now go and ask your sister if she would sleep with the coal man for 2 million pound.

Sister says yes.

There you have it son, theoretically we're sitting on 3 million pounds but realistically we're living with 2 slags........

[Idol eyes]

V Good...

[dave]

Why shouldn't you wear boxer shorts in the Ukraine?

Because chernobyl fall out.

[lorentz]

 

[Nibile]

one "normal" man commits a crime, and gets convicted.
as he hears the iron door of the cell closing behind his back, he sees an enormous figure coming out from the dark side of the room. so a big black man comes out and tells him, with a very deep voice: now we play mom and dad.
the man feels hopeless and desperate, but the giant then asks him: what do you want to be, mom or dad?
so the man feels a bit relieved, and quickly answers: oh, ill be the dad, ive been many times in jail and ive always been the dad!!!
ok, says the black man, so now dad comes here and gives head to mom.
 

[richdraws]

[lorentz]

nice emoticon richdraws. Where'd you score that one?

Received from a mate today.



Johnny fancied a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone
else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said:

I'll give you a £100 for sex, but the girl said NO.

Johnny said: "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult
her boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast,
he won't even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and
the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally after 45mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...



















She said "the b#####d used coins"!

[Idol eyes]

Two Arabs board a plane out of Washington for New York, one takes the isle, the other the window. just before take off an Israeli sits between them, kicks off his shoes, wiggles his toes and settles down in his seat, one of the Arabs stirrs and says "I think i will get a coke", the Israeli jumps to his feet and says "no no, please allow me" and scuttles of to fetch a coke, the Arab picks up the Israeli's shoe and hacks a lump from his throat, and spits in the shoe, the other Arab laughs, just as the Israeli returns, "here, one cola my friend", the other Arab comments on how good it would be if he could also have one, the Israeli does not hessitate in replying "please, friend, allow me" turns round and fetches another coke, the other Arab does not hessitate and spits in the other shoe, still giggling the Arabs high five, just as the Israeli returns with the second coke, gives it to the Arab, and settles down and sleeps for the duration of the journey.
The plane touches down in New York and the Israeli puts his shoes on, instantly realizing what has happend, "my brothers, how long must we continue this bitterness, spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes".

[lorentz]

Tony Blair was visiting a primary school class. They were in the middle of a
discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion
on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an
example of a "tragedy".

A little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him; that would
be a 'tragedy'".

"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a Tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister, "that's what we would call a
great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony
searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of
tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet
voice he said: "If the Air plane carrying you and Mrs. Blair was struck by a
"friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a bloody accident either”!

[Nibile]

president bush is also visiting primary schools in usa.
after his speech, he asks the children if they have questions.
little bob raise his small hand and says:
"mr president, i have three questions.
first: dont you think that bombing civilians in iraq is an act of terrorism?
second: dont you think that using nuclear bomb on hiroshima and nagasaki were acts of terrorism?
third: dont you think that the votes count for your election was illegal?"
as mr president pales and try to find the words, the bell rings.
after the pause, again in the class, mr president is again ready for questions.
little john has four questions, he says, and goes:
"first: dont you think that bombing civilians in iraq is an act of terrorism?
second: dont you think that using nuclear bomb on hiroshima and nagasaki were acts of terrorism?
third: dont you think that the votes count for your election was illegal?
fourth: wheres little bob?"

[Nibile]

and just another one (not much work to do today).

a cruise ship shipwrecks and sinks and all the passengers are lost at sea.
one man manages to land on a beautiful shore of a tropical small deserted island, with every kind of fruit dangling from trees, pure water springs, and realizes hes safe forever. in that second he also realizes that the only other passenger to land on that shore is naomi campbell. he introduces himself and politely explains that being alone on that island, they should think about their sexual needs, and adapt to the situation, that he understands that hes not even close to being worth, but that they should adapt to their new life as best as they can.
naomi clearly understands the man, and politely accept the idea, so they start their story together.

after a few weeks of making love with the most beautiful woman on earth, the man gets sad and one day asks her: excuse me naomi, i may look strange, but...do you mind if, with this piece of coal, i draw some big sideburns on you beautiful face?
shes puzzled but accepts.
life goes on, until one other day the man asks again: excuse me my love, could i draw some big dark moustache on your perfect face?
shes even more puzzled but again accepts, to discover what the man wants.
after a few days, the man asks again: mu joy, now that you have big sideburns and moustache, do you mind if i call you tony?
now shes vey worried, but prepared to the obvious truth, so she accepts again.

so the man, brings hes aside, takes her hands, and whispers in her ears:

tony, hear this: im fucking naomi campbell!!!!!!

[andy_e]

 

...with every kind of fruit dangling from trees...

Shhh, don't mention fruit! We'll be all apples and oranges soon.

[BenF]

 

Quality joke Nibile.

[GCW]

tony, hear this: im fucking naomi campbell!!!!!!

And she says, "No.  I'm fucking Naomi Campbell you fuckwit" and punched him in the face no doubt.
Then put her fur coat on.... 

[Stubbs]

Translate that joke into perfect italian now or you're getting puntered. 

[GCW]

Translate that joke into perfect italian now or you're getting puntered. 

It was more a comment on Campbell than on Nib's English, which is not at fault.

However:
E dice, “no. Sto scopando Naomi Campbell voi fuckwit„ e perforato lui nella faccia senza dubbio.
How's that???

[Stubbs]

Bellisimo

[BenF]

The fourteen stone eight year old that has been in the news lately said that he liked studying music at school.  He was asked in an interview what his favourite instrument at school was. 

He replied...  the dinner bell.