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All this has happened before
9 March 2012, 3:31 pm

It appears that my being driven to Parisella's Cave on Wednesday next hangs on me starting a fucking blog. I'm sure you all remember fondly the last one which I wrote for a few months whilst at Oxford. The thing is, Top British All-Rounder Bob 'eight-and-a-half-inch' Hickish needs something to read while he isn't busy ushering in a new level of difficulty to Dorset or punishing the Pony (not a euphemism).

The Hick and I have agreed on a number of features which I will be required to publish for your entertainment. Woodland predators, training, eugenics, elves, snuffling, shuffling, Patristics, and even rock climbing are among the themes I am supposed to touch on here.

Source: Aurë entuluva!

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Barrows climbs Fabelita
9 March 2012, 3:54 pm

I have little confidence that anyone at all will read this shit. Nonetheless, I am keen to scurry round the Cave and so I must find things to post about. As nothing interesting has happened recently, I thought I would let you all know that training nerd Barrows has capillarized his way to another 8c, this time Fabelita in Santa Linya. He went to try the route with Irish-Indian mischling Edward Rangan Barbour. Eddie is trying an 8b+ named Rolitay Sharmay.

In other news, Brown Jon got a message from a beautiful Chinese girl on okcupid.com, informing him that he had a nice beard and a nice dimple. Heart-warming that shit.

Fuck 8c, this guy has a nice beard



Source: Aurë entuluva!

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Endeavouring
10 March 2012, 9:14 pm

Since I last wrote to you my dear friends, I've received a number of complaints that this blog is much too frivolous. I hope to redress this with a post on the important subject of rock climbing. Standards in British sport-climbing have come on a good deal recently. Every fucker seems to climb 8c. Given such a strong climate we might expect a repeat of Dorset's hardest route 'Endeavour' to be just a matter of time. Perhaps you, dear reader, are an 8c beast or beastess just itching to get to grips with this bolted masterpiece? Well I've been talking to the route's creator, and can save you the trouble of trying it. Don't - its just too hard for you. What, are you going to train harder then? It doesn't matter - I have it on good authority that this route is impossible to train for. Ste Mac, its just as well you're injured as at least you don't have to embarrass yourself by trying it. Oh yes, and its terrifying. Caff, you'd just shit yourself and run away.

And as if it weren't enough that its too hard for all you elite British sport climbers, you almost certainly have a smaller penis than the first ascensionist.

I hope to bring you some masterclass blog posts from the Master himself on a number of subjects. Look out for 'Advanced Over-training', 'Why I Am Stronger Than The Pooch' and 'How to Treat Your Girlfriend'.

A route you will never climb. Can you see the bulge in his trousers?

What else has happened? Bob, Jon and I watched a arty film on the subject of boobs. Jon confided in me that he was a bit worried about being mentioned on this blog, and I promised him that I would never under any circumstances disclose the information that he once tried masturbating with a belt tightened round his neck.

Today I braved the predators of Miller's Dale and had a snuffle under Ben's Roof. It was a bit sore on my paws but i made a bit of progress.

Source: Aurë entuluva!

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Rolitay Sharmay - First Irish Ascent
12 March 2012, 10:25 am

It appears that Eddie has taken some time out from his hectic double life as a hate-filled sectarian bigot and hippie eco-warrior to make the First Irish Ascent of an 8b+ first established by recording artist Michael Jackson in the cave at Santay Linyay. This is perhaps the first route of the grade climbed on an all-potato diet and marks an important step for Ireland on its journey from a joke to third-world nation. However, Edward's ascent is nothing but an unmitigated failure. Not only did he fail to burn off that fat buffoon Barrows, he failed even to sabotage Barrows' ascent of Fabileta. I spoke to Ed before he left and he confided in me that he would get as much satisfaction from seeing Barrows fail as he would from doing the route himself, with the added advantage that it would take a lot less effort. With this in mind we conceived a simple plan. Ed would try the route and break a crucial hold, thus preventing Barrows from doing the route. But he failed - and why? Because he doesn't weigh enough to break holds as he's a puny little sport climber who couldn't bench 20kg. Now reap the bitter harvest of time spent at Ratho when you should have been at the gym or loading up on Weight Gain 4000.

A failure.



Source: Aurë entuluva!

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Parisella's
12 March 2012, 11:09 am

Bob - just so you know, if you don't take me to the Cave on Wed this blog will cease and you will forever be known as the one who was weaker and shitter than a girl.

Source: Aurë entuluva!

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Prestidigitation?
12 March 2012, 1:26 pm

It is with great sadness that I have to report that Barrows has done another 8c in Santa Linya, and will very probably come home having done an 8c+. How is it possible that Oxford's weakest, who once spent a week in a French hospital near Tarn with an infected gooch, could be laying the smack down in such a staggering way? The obvious answer is perhaps his cunning training regime. I could write about this and bask, Dobbin-like, in the reflected glory of my bumchum done good. However, I propose instead, another explanation: lying. Where are the witnesses? Its just like Simpson being unable to produce a single witness to substantiate his claim to have been bummed by Spanish Kev at a party in Sheffield. I just spoke to Ed (Barrows' alleged belayer on Fabelita) and he denies any knowledge of the event, or even of being in Spain. He was busy with the potato harvest at home (so please ignore my earlier post - Ed hasn't climbed anything either). To doubters of my theory, I present this photograph as compelling evidence. Can we really believe it possible that this man (pictured here looking for cock and bum fun in the Apt Camping toilets in 2008) has climbed multiple 8cs in a matter of days? I for one don't want to.

Douche.

Source: Aurë entuluva!

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Hatred is my best friend
15 March 2012, 11:56 am

If there's one man I hate in this world its Alex Barrows.

If there's another man I hate its Ryan Pasquill.

Source: Aurë entuluva!

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Strength, thy name is woman!
15 March 2012, 2:16 pm

Sorry I haven't written to you sooner, my dear friends, but i've not been at work and I only blog on company time (I earn a pittance at £6.50 an hour so you can't expect quality posts).

Yesterday Bob drove me for a snuffle round Parisella's. I like to scurry around the Cave hunting for insects, feeling safe from predators, and leaving the occasional dropping to mark my territory. Exciting though that is, this isn't a wildlife documentary; i'd like to talk to you about Seven or Better enthusiast (google it) Bob Hickish. I think people feel a bit sorry for the Hick for living with a racist bigot, but they seem not to realize that I have to live with a hate-filled misogynist.

Now let's be clear, I hate a bitch as much as the next negro; a woman ask me for a ring and I put one around her whole eye. You know how it is. Nonetheless, I accept them as people, more or less. Evil people certainly, but people. For the Hick its different, bitches make him feel inadequate. I'm sure you can appreciate that Hick-Eight-Inch-Dick doesn't often feel inadequate. They are the Jews infesting his Reich.

Actually, its not really bitches as a species that upset Hick, its just really strong bitches. The Scylla and Charybdis always fucking with his happiness are The Pooch and Shauna C. I hope to be able to bring you his magnum opus  'Why I am stronger than The Pooch' eventually, but he's a Sheffield University student so we need to be patient.

The thing is, the Hick just cannot bear it that these ladies are hugely better than he could ever aspire to be. So, to prove a point, he's been mincing down to Parisella's a lot and trying Pilgrim. He can't touch it of course, in fact he can hardly squeeze his adipose frame into the Cave at the moment. This trying Pilgrim deal has gone on for a year or two, but recently i've become really worried about the lengths to which he's prepared to go to prove he's as strong as Shauna. He's become obsessed with strong women, and I think he's trying to become one.

Earlier this week, just before our Cave snuffle, he went into our local hairdresser (friendly brown guys, Al-jazeera on the tv, proceeds straight to al-qaeda) and asked for a 'Merrick'*. I guess he's trying for a sort of reverse-Samson effect. Its just a haircut I know, but I heard him on the phone to a plastic surgeon last night, asking about the cost of a 'Coxsey'! Rack photos soon...

*If you've not seen Bob this week you won't find this amusing.

Source: Aurë entuluva!

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The magnificence of the human mammary gland
16 March 2012, 10:58 am

In a previous post I mentioned that Brown Jon, the Hick and I watched an inspiring short film about boobs. I thought you all might enjoy it. Don't worry, its very educational and safe for work. In fact, you should invite your line manager to watch it with you.

In other news, penis-measuring is in! 7-and-a-half inch Chris Barr is the latest young stud to offer me his stats for publication here. Dismaying perhaps, but what good is a big willy if you can't do Weedkiller?

Source: Aurë entuluva!

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A word from our sponsor
16 March 2012, 12:10 pm

Dearest friends, writing for you all costs me much more than just my self-respect. There's the cost of acorns, diazepam and KY too. These costs mount up, and so i've had to seek sponsorship. I am therefore delighted to announce a partnership with Doylo's Sweetcorn Ltd. I'm really excited to work with a brand committed to such high ethical standards (no sex with under 13s, only hit 'em during sex if they're from Rhyl etc.)

So ladies and gentlemen, next time you're shopping remember...

Doylo's Sweetcorn - easily removed from even the tightest urethra!



Source: Aurë entuluva!

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Interview with Stuart Littlefair
16 March 2012, 2:27 pm



Dear friends, I am very happy to be able to to present you with this exclusive interview with Stuart Littlefair, Professor of Morphic Resonance at the University of Sheffield. Morphic Resonance, for the Hallam students among you, is the theory proposed by Rupert Sheldrake that the Universe can in some sense be said to 'learn'. I once had the pleasure of hearing Professor Littlefair hold forth on the subject underneath the Foundry Beastmaker. To use the example the Professor gave then, just as Tash learns the dildo, so the dildo can be said to 'learn' Tash. As i'm sure you can appreciate, dear readers, in this case an awful lot of learning can be said to be going on all the time.

Professor Littlefair is not only a world-class parascientist, he is also an expert on rock-climbing. I put some important questions to him on the subject of grading.

AE: Professor Littlefair, allow me first to congratulate you on having a hot 8b-climbing wife.

SL: Thank you. Allow me to congratulate you on your life of total celibacy.

AE: Perhaps you would like to comment on the grade of Ingravid Serps, the route Alex Barrows has recently claimed to have climbed in Santay Linyay?

SL: Igravid Serps is 8b+. I know this because I have seen it with my eyes, and someone on 8a.nu took 8b+ for it. They sound honest and humble.

AE: I see. Have you climbed it yourself?

SL: I haven't been on it. Why would I? It's basically Rollitay Sharmay [sic] with a different start, and I found that too easy be bothered doing again.

AE: I think i'm getting a clearer picture of the situation in Spain. Would you like to comment on the grade of the extension Barrows is currently trying?

SL: The extension Barrows is doing is definitely 8c+. It's 8b/8b+ to a massive rest, to some easy climbing on jugs. That sounds like 8c+ to me.

AE: It certainly does! Do you think he'll do it?

SL: I think he's almost certain to do it. Or to lie about having done it anyway. It's the same thing these days, isn't it?

AE: And finally, what's your favourite position?

SL: Reverse cowgirl.

AE: Thank you very much Professor Littlefair, I feel I understand far better now how to interpret events reported from Spain. I'm like that dildo learning Tash.

SL: Only less handsome.

Source: Aurë entuluva!

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Valediction
19 March 2012, 3:01 pm

Yesterday, Robert Gordon [for real] Hickish climbed from the back of a grotty cave to a totally arbitrary point, where he matched in control. So that's it for all the in-jokes and smut. Plus i'm bored of writing it and i'm sure you will all be bored of reading it!

So that's all, except to say. Ian Cooper once got fucked in the ass by a vibrating strap-on dildo [for real].



Source: Aurë entuluva!

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Elmer Evinyanta
23 March 2012, 10:18 am

Dear all, the fell clutch of circumstance compels me to write to you again. Yesterday I received the distressing news that my dear friend Feo Elmer had been in a serious accident.

Those of you who know Feo will know him as a committed masturbator, whose unswerving dedication to masturbating at the very highest level is an inspiration to us all. Supported by his long-suffering girlfriend Steph, Feo pursued a rigorous training regime, often masturbating four times a day, six days a week. Indeed, the anaerobic endurance of Feo's wrist flexors has become the stuff of sporting legend.

Tragically, on the 21st March, the unthinkable happened. Ever seeking to raise the abuse of his genitals from a mere sporting pursuit to the level of an art-form, Feo masturbated so vigorously that he dislocated his elbow.

Feo's training partner and muse Bob Hickish has touchingly rushed to Nottingham to be at his bedside. Bob has always been constant in his support of Feo's dedication to masturbation, often allowing Feo to practice on his own member when Feo's was just too sore for another training session.

I'm sure that you, dear reader, will join with me in wishing Feo a speedy recovery and return to new heights of masturbatory excellence.

The champ cross-training.

In other news, Edward 'Abdulla-Mohammed' Barbour became the lowest-scoring ethnic minority at the BUCS held in Sheffield last weekend. In the same competition, Oxford's finest Rosie Wilson came joint third with Combat-18 stalwart Katy Piddock. As you may remember, Katy was recently ejected from the British Bouldering Team after a series of racist hate crimes perpetrated against members of other teams.

Source: Aurë entuluva!

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Disabled boy succeeds on the toilet
23 March 2012, 1:04 pm



Endearing cripple Jonathan Wells had been putting in the hours toilet training and has finally succeeded. Jon's parents are thrilled! I'd like to take this opportunity to wish Jon well with his brave, if ultimately futile, attempts to become equal with the able-bodied.A very special boy.

Source: Aurë entuluva!

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Sluts
23 March 2012, 2:47 pm

Recently, my dear friends, i've learnt a new word. Inspired by the successes of Chris Doyle and Ted Kingsnorth, I had had a furtive snuffle around some internet dating sites. There are all manner of new words to learn, but one word in particular caught my attention. 'Polyamorous' (an etymological mongrel, compare 'polygamy') is used by the revolting hippies that infest these websites in much the same way as we use 'slutty' in English. In a feeble attempt at obfuscation, the 'polyamorous' community hopes that by using a less familiar word, they may thereby ennoble their sick lifestyles in the eyes of the right-thinking. Advocates of 'polyamory' refer to 'primary' and 'secondary' relationships to disguise their sinful adultery.

I imagine, my dear friends, that you're outraged to learn that I had to encounter this sort of licentious filth in the course of my innocent quest for true love on the internet. Imagine then, my disgust when I learnt that my trusted friend and climbing partner Bob Hickish is himself a prophet and practitioner of this 'polyamory' so-called!

If you would like to join with me in stoning Bob to death, please come to Malcom's house tonight. It will be full of other hippie scum and we can stone those sick fucks too. Bring your own stones.

Schematic representation of the polyamarous life of Bob Hickish

Source: Aurë entuluva!

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Addendum
23 March 2012, 5:36 pm

Please refer to the previous post.

Polyamory: a different view.

Source: Aurë entuluva!

[account_inactive]

Someone pray for our souls

[SA Chris]

Great, but slightly odd, blogging

[Duma]

 

[Bonjoy]

Nice elephant shrew!

[mrjonathanr]

I'd like to take this opportunity to wish Jon well with his brave, if ultimately futile, attempts to become equal with the able-bodied

Nice sub-text. Wouldn't 'handicapped' have been more economical?

[fatneck]

This is definitely the funniest thing I've seen since the Adventures of Bloodninja...

Genius