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the shizzle => shootin' the shit => Topic started by: Idol eyes on November 03, 2006, 06:21:48 pm

Title: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on November 03, 2006, 06:21:48 pm
A character building session as arranged for the armed forces, the sas, the paras, and the met police are invited to take part. The first exersise is past, as is the second. The third and final task of the weekend is arranged and the partys are briefed, "Your task is to enter the forest, retrive one rabbit to skin and then cook"
First up are the SAS...
four stealth shadows enter the woods, scilence for around 20 mins, then... put, put. the sound of two shots and they emerge with a rabbit shot square in the middle of the eyes.
Next the paras...
they each down loads of larger, smear boot polish on their faces, stap on their bayonetts and charge screaming into the woods. Total mayhem, flash fire and explosions, then a triumphant crew holding the charred remains of a bunny, walk towards the group.
OK, well done, next its the Met...
Four coppers stroll into the woods, whistling. The radios can be heard "foxtrot lima tango fanta seven up" "suspect has been identified, location due west"... half an hour later the filth emerge with a squirrel, the fascilitator says" we asked for a rabbitt, go back and complete the task properly! back into the wood the police trot, only to emerge 40 minutes later with the same squirrel, with a black eye and ruffed up furr, the fascilitator again mentions the fact that the task required them to aprehend a rabbit, the constable, coughs nudges the squirrel, and it squeeks "ok,ok im a rabbit"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Dr T on November 03, 2006, 06:27:09 pm
cynical? yes
true? maybe
funny? I almost pissed myself  :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on November 03, 2006, 06:55:57 pm
I went to a ramblers lecture the other day, he just went on and on and on...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: widdop on November 03, 2006, 09:08:50 pm
 :-\ you were joking ,were you
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on November 03, 2006, 09:29:51 pm
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntry work?", i answered "I wouldnt do it if you paid me..."
Drop the sarcasm, or they get worse...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Monolith on November 04, 2006, 12:18:30 am
Pat?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on November 04, 2006, 01:17:25 am
What do you call a man who is prepared to stick his head above the parapet and say: I did this!  I did this!

But when push comes to shove and is asked to prove it he backs down and never says a word about it again?



That's right!  You know the sketch:  A liar!     :-\     This joke: she is the greatest!




Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Somebody's Fool on November 04, 2006, 03:39:22 am
How do you make your granny's toes curl?

F**k her with her tights on.

NB I refuse to type out fuck in full where grannies are concerned.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on November 04, 2006, 10:48:12 am
A duck walks into a bar, and asks the bar steward,"Ì'll have half a loaf of bread", The bar man replies" sorry this is a pub, we only sell beer and spirits"
The duck shrugs, turns and waddles out the bar.
The next day, the duck returns,"got any bread?". The bar man sighs, "no, told you yesterday its a pub, piss off". offended the duck bails muttering to himself. The following day around the same time the duck returns once more and inquires "got any bread?", The bar tender goes ballistic "get the fuck out of here, if you come back asking for bread again, I will fucking nail your bill to the bar, now fuck off" A worried looking duck swiftly waddles out of the bar. The next day the bar man is busy cleaning the glass wear, when the door opens a jar, a yellow bill quacks through the gap "got any nails?"
"NO, FOR FUCKS SAKE!"
In strolls the duck "Great, got any bread then..."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: BenF on November 04, 2006, 09:34:58 pm
What do you call a train that won't stop at any stations?       Thomas the bastard.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: BenF on November 04, 2006, 09:37:19 pm
What's Dr Who's favourite food?     Darlek bread.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: jfw on November 09, 2006, 11:42:44 am
How do you make your granny's toes curl?

F**k her with her tights on.

NB I refuse to type out fuck in full where grannies are concerned.

i've given this due consideration and concluded that such an action would only take in the nora-batty-esque wrinkle slack - leaving grandmama's toes uncurled
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Bonjoy on November 09, 2006, 12:04:32 pm
 Surely completing that calculation would require you to know Somebody's Fool's critical dimensions  ;)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Somebody's Fool on November 09, 2006, 02:12:44 pm
I wouldn't have said that the fit of my granny's tights was that critical a dimension.  She did have baggy tights though.  That's all I'm saying.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grimer on November 09, 2006, 02:20:56 pm
A man goes into a bar one time, and the barman asks him what he would like.
"Thanks," he replies, "I'll have a gin and tonic."
The barman pours and serves him, the man takes a satisfied sip.
"That will be two ninety," says the barman.
"What?" asks the man?
"Two ninety, for the drink."
"You're kidding?"
"What?"
"Well, I just walked in here and you offered me a drink. I accepted your generous offer, and now you want money for it?"
"No, you don't understand, this is a bar, I sell drinks, you have to pay for it."
"Look, I just came in to use the toilet, and next thing I knew, you offered me a drink. I would not have taken it if it was only for sale. I thought you were being nice."
"No, you know this is a bar, you have to pay, so cough up."
"I won't, I told you why."

Just at that, another customer butts in:
"Actually, I overheard the entire conversation. You did offer the drink, and he accepted. I am a lawyer, and in court, his argument would stand up."

The barman is seething:
“You cheap bastard. I don’t believe this. Finish your drink and get out, and don’t ever set foot in here again.”

The man finishes his drink and leaves.

Ten minutes later he comes back in. The barman looks on in amazement:
“I don’t believe it,” he says to the man.
“What?”
“I told you never to come back in here again only ten minutes ago, and here you come back again already.”
“No you didn’t, this is my first time in here.”
“Look, I barred you only ten minutes ago, I’m sure it was you.”
“No you didn’t. In fact, I only got in to town five minutes ago.”
“You’re sure it wasn’t you?”
“Absolutely certain. Never been here before, the customer protested.
“Well, that’s amazing. You must have a double.”
“Thank you. Make it a whiskey.”
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on November 09, 2006, 03:10:09 pm
Waddya call a man with cow shit on his head?

What do you call a man with a crown of cow shit on his head?

 ;D

P.S. Nice one grimer, quality.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Somebody's Fool on November 09, 2006, 11:56:46 pm
Not strictly a joke but this made me laugh. http://www.theonion.com/content/node/55032 (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/55032)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on November 10, 2006, 11:42:23 am
Whats orange and sounds like a parrott?

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Greg C on November 10, 2006, 12:14:53 pm
A Carrot?

What's E.T. short for?

... he's got little legs.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grimer on November 10, 2006, 03:04:50 pm
Q. How do you know E.T. was a Protestant?




A. He looked like one.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on November 13, 2006, 11:22:47 am
An English man, An Irish man and a Scotsman walk in to a bar, the bar tender says "is this some sort of fucking joke!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on November 13, 2006, 12:41:23 pm
a bit dirty, but im italian...


two women, after a long fight with their husbands, manage to go out for dinner alone, just the two of them.
unused to be out without the company of their men, they easily lose control, and after a big dinner with lots of wine, and the following bar, they obviously end up being absolutely drunk.
in the car on the way home, they feel the urge to pee, and the only suitable place is a dark, small cemetery just beside the road.
the first one goes behind a grave, does what she has to do, and then realizes she has nothing to wipe with. so she uses her underwear, and trows it in the grass, then walks back to the car, very releaved.
the second woman does just the same behind a grave, and finds the same problem, but having just bought new silk and expensive underwear doesnt want to use it, so she grabs the first paper thing that comes to hand, ad uses that. then back to the car, they go home.
the following morning, the two husbands meet. the first one is furious, and says "my wife got home at five, drunk, and with no underwear, i had to kick her out of my house, its over!!!"
and the second one, very sad, replies "thats nothing!!! my wife also got home at five, drunk and with no underwear, but moreover, she had a card, on her ass that read: we will never forget you. john, paul, henry and all the guys from the rugby team!!!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on November 13, 2006, 12:46:17 pm
 :lol:
nice one
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on November 13, 2006, 02:30:20 pm
What is wife short for?

Washing
Ironing
Fucking
Etc.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grimer on November 13, 2006, 02:52:18 pm
 :thumbsdown:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: jfw on November 13, 2006, 03:24:28 pm
:thumbsdown:

yeah exactly - you totally missed out cooking   :P
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lorentz on November 13, 2006, 03:35:46 pm
2 paedophiles lying on the beach.

One says to the other "Do you mind? You're in my Son!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on November 14, 2006, 10:56:12 am
NO!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: luckyjez on November 14, 2006, 03:31:29 pm
Mother superior is in the bath when she hears a knock on the bathroom door. "Who is it" she says, covering herself up. "It's the blind man from the village" comes the reply. "Oh. In that case, come in" the nun says. He walks in and says "nice breasts, now, where do you want these blinds?"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on November 21, 2006, 04:02:42 pm
Waddya call a man with cow shit on his head?

What do you call a man with a crown of cow shit on his head?

 ;D

Oh come on, I thought it was quite funny.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on November 22, 2006, 11:42:26 am
two friends talking.
one says "you know, for our first anniversary im taking my wife to hawaii"
"wow - replies the other - hawaii for first anniversary!!! so what will you do for your 25th!!??"
"ill go and take her back"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on November 22, 2006, 11:44:25 am
a wife says to her husband: ohh i would like so mush to visit some place ive never seen before!!!
and the man replies: nice, why dont you go in the kitchen then?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on November 22, 2006, 12:00:16 pm
Husband says to wife "Put your jacket on love, I'm going down the pub"
Wife "Am I coming with you?"
Husband "No, but I'm going to turn off the heating"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on November 22, 2006, 06:53:13 pm
 :great:

Is that from a sketch?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Yossarian on November 22, 2006, 08:13:28 pm
So there's this old couple right. They nip into this pub for a quick drink. Old Nora sits down, and Eddie hobbles over to the bar. 

"Gin and tonic for 'er, and I'll have a pint of best. Thanks lad."

"'Ere you go Grandad"

"What?" mutters Eddie.

"Your drinks. That'll be £3.50" says the barman.

"Ah, right. Thanks lad" says Eddie, and hobbles back to the table.

Nora meanwhile has spotted a man struggling to get a drumkit through the door. There's a poster on the wall proclaiming "Live Music Tonite" nearby.  "Eddie, go and ask them what he's going to play. I'd love a bit of Frank."

So Eddie hobbles back to the bar.  "What sort of tunes is that man going to play?" he asks.

"Country and western" says the barman.

Eddie Hobbles back.

"Well, what kind of music is he going to play?" says Nora.

"Dunno" says Eddie, "but he's some cunt from Preston"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: widdop on November 22, 2006, 08:22:06 pm
not bad that one
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on November 23, 2006, 08:09:22 am
:great:

Is that from a sketch?

No, from a joke  ;)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Somebody's Fool on November 23, 2006, 08:32:30 am
:great:

Is that from a sketch?

It was on the Royle Family a few years ago.  It may have been around long before this though.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on November 23, 2006, 08:43:17 am
Never watched Royle Family, but definitely heard it a long time before that.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Yossarian on November 24, 2006, 06:38:28 pm
A man walks into a talent agency. He says to the talent agent, “I’ve got an act I think you should see; it’s amazing. I want you to represent us.”

The agent looks at the man skeptically and asks, “What kind of act is it?”

The man says, “Well, it’s a family act.”

The agent rolls his eyes and says, “I’m sorry, I don’t represent family acts. They’re a hard sell these days.”

The man begs, “Please, Sir, just give us a chance. Once you see our act, I know you’ll want to represent us.”

The agent says, “Fine, fine. Make it quick, I’ve got a meeting soon.”

The man walks to the office door and calls his family in. The man’s mother and father, his wife, his fourteen and sixteen-year-old sons, his twelve-year-old daughter, and the family dog enter the room. When the family is in line, the father gives the cue and the family takes their clothes off. They’re standing in front of the agent completely naked, except for the grandfather, who still has a diaper on. The daughter starts jerking off her two brothers, the mother starts jerking off the father, and the grandmother, holding onto her walker with one hand, takes off the grandpa’s diaper and starts jerking him off with the other. When the diaper hits the floor, it smells of shit. The dog goes to the diaper and starts eating the bits of corn from the shit that was in the diaper. The grandfather shits more while the grandmother is jerking him off. The shit falls out of his ass and lands on the dogs head.

After the father, the grandfather, and the two sons all cum into a bucket in front of them, the mayhem begins. The father shits on his wife’s tits while she fingers herself and the dog pisses on her hair. The grandfather bends the grandmother over her walker and fucks her in the ass. The older brother fucks his sister from behind while she blows the younger brother. The brother getting blown pulls out a webcam and starts to film the escapade. The brother fucking the sister has a laptop sitting on the girl’s back. After both brothers cum in their sister, the older brother uploads the video to his Myspace page.

By this time, the grandfather is pissing uncontrollably on the floor because of his incontinence and he begins eating the remaining shit out of the father’s ass while he jerks him off from behind. The dog comes up behind the grandfather and drinks the piss, then starts licking the old, saggy balls. The mother and the daughter are positioned in a sixty-nine, and now the daughter is covered in her father’s shit that had been spread over her mother’s body. The mother and daughter stop momentarily, both of their mouths bloody because they are both menstruating, to watch the younger brother fist his grandmother while she sucks the older brother’s cock. But, because his dick is so big, the grandmother begins to choke. She throws up all over her grandson before he cums.

The older brother grabs the dog and uses the terrier to wipe the vomit off his stomach, dick, and legs. After he is clean, he begins fucking the dog. The daughter takes her grandfather’s cane and sticks it in her father’s ass while he fucks the grandmother in the missionary position. This creates a bloody mess because the girl pushes too deep. The father has splinters in his ass from the old wooden cane. The mother rides the grandfather in the reverse-cowgirl position (it’s easier on his back), while the younger brother gives his mother and grandfather a golden shower. Right before he cums, the grandfather’s glass eye pops out. The younger brother then starts fucking his grandfather in the empty eye socket. He cums, then the daughter comes over, takes a shit in the cavity, and puts the glass eye back in place. The dog has gotten away from the older brother, so the boy starts fucking his father in the ass. He pulls his cock out to find it covered in blood from the splinters in his father’s ass.

The grandfather is tired by now, and he is still on his back on the filthy floor. He starts pissing again. The rest of the family follows his lead and lie on their backs and begin pissing in the air; even the dog does his best to join in. They have this part of the routine choreographed to look like the fountain show at the Bellagio.

After the pissing comes the grand finale. Throughout the act, the family had filled a bucket full of piss, shit, vomit, blood, and semen. The father brings out a white canvas, sticks his dick in the bucket, and splatters the concoction on the canvas. The sons begin doing the same. The grandfather is sleeping on the ground, so he can’t join in. Neither can the dog, because he’s too busy licking the shit and cum that has dried around the grandfather’s eye socket. The mother, the daughter, and the grandmother use their tits to splatter spray the canvas with the contents from the bucket. By the time they’re finished, it looks like a Jackson Pollock painting made of bodily fluids.

The family finishes and the father presents the painting to the agent. The agent stares at the family for a few moments, astonished. He finally says, “That was the most disgusting display I’ve ever seen! But, I think you’ve got something here. What do you call your act?”

The family cheers in unison, “The Aristocrats!”
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mike Tyson on November 24, 2006, 06:47:42 pm
I was eating my breakfast this morning, and it was going snap crackle and pop........












which was strange, I was having kipppers.............
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on November 26, 2006, 05:46:41 pm
Yeah,  V good
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on November 27, 2006, 07:51:16 am
Waddage for typing all that out, although it's slightly different to the version I heard.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: chappers on November 27, 2006, 01:13:15 pm
man walks up to a woman in a club:

"the name is bond"
"yeah, dont tell me...james bond"




"NO. unibond, ive come to fill your crack."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: cofe on November 27, 2006, 06:52:32 pm
what do you call a man with a dick on his face?

fuck knows.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: chappers on November 28, 2006, 01:50:02 pm
what is the main cause of paedophilia?

























sexy kids.


sorry. not my joke. if that is too fresh, feel free to remove it.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lorentz on November 28, 2006, 10:07:31 pm
:thumbsup:

Well I think it's a good'un Chappers, but I understand your cautious disclaimer. There seems to be some weird double standard going on in this thread... Graphic incestuous bestial paedophilia and gerontophilia mixed with a healthy dose of copraphilia and some vomit all good.:agree: Throw away (admittedly old and rather tired) paedophile oneliner not at all good. Whatever. Bothered etc but make yo minds up, people.


 At risk of burning more bridges, and setting the cat among the pigeons apologies if you've heard this one before.

Paedo and little boy walking through the woods at night. Little boy "mister, mister. I'm scared. I don't like it here."

Paedo replies









"You think you're scared, sonny. I've got to walk back this way all by myself!"

Ah well. There goes me +ve karma!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: cofe on November 28, 2006, 10:39:00 pm
what animal goes "oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"?































a cow with no lips.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lorentz on November 28, 2006, 11:43:08 pm
I've heard that one with Kenneth Williams.

A priest walks into a bar. Guy gets up and grabs him by the hair and smashes his face into the counter. The priest drops to the floor, blood spurting out of his nose. The guy kicks him repeatedly in the nuts and says...












Not so fucking tough now, eh, batman!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on November 29, 2006, 12:13:37 pm
at night, an old man walks home alone.
suddenly he hears soft steps behind him, turns rapidly and sees nobody. so he goes on. again, he feels that someone is walking behind him, ever closer. losing control, he starts running, and now distinctly hears that the person is chasing him. he turns in a dark alley to hide, but finds out in terror that its a dead end. back to the wall, he sees a dark enormous figure coming out from the dark. then he realizes its a tall, big man. the man gets close, pulls out an enormous dick, and exclaim, with a horrible laugh: "now im going to rape you."
and the old man releaved, replies: "oh thank you, i thought you want to hit me in the head with that!!!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Monolith on November 30, 2006, 12:04:40 am
 :lol:

Non-taken mate. I'd be called a Plastic Scouser anyway seen as I'm over the water. Less so than others as both my parents are from there, but I'm still 'posh' scum in the eyes of diehards. ;)

Fatneck, BenF and Vivahate amongst others may want to lynch you though  :lol:

For the record, that was a class joke by the way. It reminds me of the Scouse Olympics (http://www.users.zetnet.co.uk/kentishfire/ScouseOlympics.txt) that's been circulating for ages.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on November 30, 2006, 09:06:40 am
A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They are both really depressed. The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed." "What a coincidence!" he said, "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too." So they start talking and they find that they have much in common so they decide to go to the woman's apartment and have kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight, black leather outfit with a whip, handcuffs, a strap-on cock, and a 12 inch studded dildo. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Then she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door. "What's going on?", she asks. "I thought you wanted to get kinky?" He turns around and says, "I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I'm all done."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jim on November 30, 2006, 09:38:37 am
genius  :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: foxgt on November 30, 2006, 10:10:16 am
A mouse is walkin along the river bank and shouts at the crocodile in the river "get out, right get back in" the croc gets back in
the mouse walks a little further and sees a hippo in the river "get out, right get back in" the hippo gets back in
the mouse walks a little further down the bank and sees an elephant "get out, right" the elephant says "hold on i saw you do this to the croc and to the hippo whats going on" the mouse says "someones nicked my trunks"  ;D

hope you can understand it
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on November 30, 2006, 10:32:12 am
Here's three to help your digestion:



Q:  What's the best thing about fucking 27 year olds?         A:  There are 20 of them!  (Boom-boom!)


Q:  What's the best thing about fucking a 19 year old in the shower?      A:  You can slick her hair back and pretend she is 14!    (Ba-dum-pish!)


Q:  How do you know your sister is menstruating?     A:  Your Dads' cock tastes funny!     (Arf-arf!)


   
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on November 30, 2006, 12:33:49 pm
Dedicated to TTT and all the current residents of the big smoke;

A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off. More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Londoner starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long the panel beaters work on it it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the Londoner finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the Londoner.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."
The Londoner looks down in absolute horror.........



"FUCKING HELL!!!!!!" he screams........ "Where's my Rolex ????..."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lorentz on November 30, 2006, 02:30:45 pm
Now we're talking. :D




>The story of the tourist who walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.
>After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue
>of a rat.
>It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to have it
>anyway.
>So he took it to the owner and said:
>"How much is this bronze rat?"
>The owner replied: "It is £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."
>
>Well the tourist gave the man his £12 and said:
>"I'll just take the rat - you can keep the story."
>As he walked off down the street,
>he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers
>and begun following him.
>
>
>This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster,
>but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds,
>and they were all squealing & screeching in a very menacing way.
>He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran,
>he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS,
>and they were running faster & faster.
>
>
>By now very concerned, he ran to the edge of the sea and threw the
>bronze rat far out into the water.
>
>Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it
>and were all drowned.
>
>The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner,
>who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then!"
>
>"No," said the tourist -
>"I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim fundamentalist cleric,
>and anything French.
>
>
>



Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on November 30, 2006, 02:44:30 pm
What's the difference between a Ferrari Enzo and a pile of dead babies?

I haven't got a Ferrari Enzo in my garage.

 ;D reminds me

What's the difference between babies and beach sand?

You can't unload a truck full of beach sand using a pitchfork.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jim on November 30, 2006, 07:56:22 pm
And I thought I was twisted.

Whats brown and taps on the window?












a baby in a microwave
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on November 30, 2006, 07:57:54 pm
The classics are flowing now...

What's worse than a baby in a bin?


















A baby in ten bins
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lorentz on November 30, 2006, 08:40:31 pm
Another one from my twisted gay mate.



What's the best thing about 6yr old girls?















You can bend them over and pretend they're 6 yr old boys.


 :o
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: unclesomebody on November 30, 2006, 08:47:54 pm
This is getting very very DARK.  But I'm still laughing, although it is followed by a disgusted expression. keep em coming... how dark can it get?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Dr T on November 30, 2006, 09:19:16 pm
what's got two legs and bleeds?


















half a dog
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: AndiT on December 01, 2006, 09:52:47 am
What's got 8 legs and a big black twat.










The A-Team.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: foxgt on December 01, 2006, 09:59:17 am
what do you call a fish without an i

a fsh :-[
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on December 01, 2006, 10:50:47 am
A guy goes to his doctor with a recurring piles problem. He has tried everything, but they keep coming back, and are absolute agony.
The doctor says "I know this is a last resort, but I do know of an alternative therapist who may be able to help".
The guy is at his wit's end, and is prepared to try anything, so goes to the address his doctor gives him.
He is greeted at the door by a midget, who lets him in.
He explains the problem and the midget says "OK, drop your pants and try to relax"
He drops his pants and the midget covers his head with Vaseline and sticks it up the guys arse, and starts to chew and bit at the piles.
The guy can't believe it, and is blinding pain. He remembers the midget's advice and tries to relax, and in doing so inadvertently farts.
The midget pulls his head out the guy's arse and says "It's things like that that make this job unpleasant!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on December 01, 2006, 10:58:47 am
Q:  What do people who work in Law use for birth control?





A:  Their personalities!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on December 01, 2006, 11:01:40 am
Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.

After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.

The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.

The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."

She says, "Smell the rim."





Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."




A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his

trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding

down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him

puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on December 01, 2006, 11:13:35 am
This one made me chuckle:

A man came home just in time to find his lover in bed with another man.

In a total rage, he dragged his lover down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.

He then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next he picked up a hacksaw.

The lover terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The man, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on December 04, 2006, 07:26:52 pm
Drop the kiddie stuff...
What is the definition of brave?
A bloke that rolls in, after midnight, pissed, stinking of purfume and has lip stick smeared all over his collar, grabs his wife and says "your next fatty"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lorentz on December 05, 2006, 06:15:34 pm
Was parking in the diabled bay the other day when some old boy said to me "You can't park there, young man. You're not disabled."

I replied "I am. I've got tourettes. Now fuck off you old cunt!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on December 05, 2006, 09:04:43 pm
what did the lepper say to the prostitute? keep the tip.

Where does Kylie buy her kebabs from? Jason's Donner Van.

What do you call a man with a brown paper bag on his head? Russell.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug.

What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Dougless.

What do you call a man with a document requesting payment on his head? Bill.

What do you call a man wearing a raincoat? Mac.

What do you call a man wearing 2 raincoats? Max.

What do you call a man wearing 2 raincoats standing in a cemetery? Max Bygraves.

Whats brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.

How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the light bulb will change itself in the fullness of time.

Why did the computer programmer's parrott go "Pieces of seven, pieces of seven"? It was a parity error.

Did you hear about the gay eskimo (inuit) who left his arse sticking out of the igloo? He got a chap on it.

Where's the best place to stand on a ship? Where the funnel be.

I used to think i was Schizophrenic (or bipolar if you like) but i'm in two minds about it know.

I was going to join Apathetics Annonymous but i couldn't be arsed.

I was out in the gardon the other day with my step ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I was playing travel Trivial Pursuit with my bird in the car one day. I read out the question "What was whitney houston's first UK number 1?" As my bird glanced down at the board the car spun off the road, plunged down a banking, flipped over and hit a tree. I dragged her mangled body away from the flaming wreckage and cradled her in my arms, she summoned up her last bit of strength, lookup up at me and said "I'll always love you.....". I said "no, sorry it was 'I wanna dance with somebody'".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on December 21, 2006, 02:28:34 pm
A man walks into a talent agency. He says to the talent agent, “I’ve got an act I think you should see; it’s amazing. I want you to represent us.”

.....................................

The family cheers in unison, “The Aristocrats!”

The film that comprises a load of comedians, all telling this joke is on More4 over the holiday period, can't remember exactly when. Sounds interesting though?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: fatneck on December 22, 2006, 11:37:55 pm
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?




Tequila...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lorentz on December 23, 2006, 12:22:49 pm
Why don't Al-Jazeera have interactive?





















Well you wouldn't want any of their viewers pushing the red button would you?!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Will Hunt on December 30, 2006, 02:00:54 pm
Some love it and some hate it. Here goes...

A man walks into a bar and half of his head is a big orange. He walks up to the barkeep and orders a pint. As the barman is pulling the pint he enquires offhandly,
"I couldnt help but notice but half of your head appears to be a big orange."
"Yes", says the customer. There's a bit of a story behind that."

And so he tells his story to the barman.

"I walked into a junk shop one day and had a look round. I found a dusty old lamp so, of course, gave it a good rub.

As expected, a genie popped out.

"Good Day", said the Genie, "I will grant you the bog standard three wishes. What will your first be?"

I thought for a second before replying that I would like a wallet with £1m in it. I had heard about genies being devious bastards so I covered my back and told him that the wallet couldnt be stolen, destroyed or lost and that whenever I spent some money from it that the money would replenish itself.

The genie clapped his hands and it was done. Suddenly I felt my wallet grwoing bigger and bigger.

For my next wish I would like all the women in the world to fall in love with me and to think me incredibly handsome.

The genie clapped his hands and it was done. Instantly the women in the shop were looking round at me with lust in their eyes. The manageress gave me a cheeky wave and a wink.

"Your final wish please" the genie said.

The man thought for a second before replying,

"For my third wish I would like half of my head to be a big orange."




Thats it. Like it? Lump it?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on January 02, 2007, 06:01:15 pm
Like it, I love it...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Moo on January 04, 2007, 09:25:05 am
I have some saddam hussein t shirts going cheap they're a bit tight round the neck but they hang well.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lorentz on January 07, 2007, 11:11:50 pm
Did you hear the one about the muslim fundamentalist inflatable sex doll?...    :shag:














She blows herself up...  :-\
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lorentz on January 27, 2007, 06:56:28 am
As news of yet another spanking for the english cricket at the hands of the aussies reaches india (amid much gloating in the local press...)

>Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
what their fathers did for a living.

>All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, accountant, plumber
etc but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked
him about his father.
>
>"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out
with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him".
>
>The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy
aside to ask him if that was really true.
>
>
>"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too
embarrassed to say".

Ho ho, indeed.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: nash1 on January 27, 2007, 07:57:24 am
Paul Daniels is on stage doing a live magic show. Half way through he asks if there is anyone out there in the audience who would like to come up and do a trick on stage. On the front row there is a guy with his hand up , dead keen. He gets called up and Paul says 'what's your name sir?, he says 'John'. Paul says 'Ok John, what do you need for you trick'. John replies 'I need a length of rope and the help of Debbie McGee'. A length of rope is thrown on stage and John goes up to Debbie and says 'Ok Debbie, if you would just turn around and put your hands behind your back'. He then ties her hands together, bends her over, lifts her skirt and starts shagging her from behind. Paul cries 'wait a minute, that's no trick'. John smiles and says 'Yeah I know, but it's fuckin' magic'.

Ba boom.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on February 19, 2007, 08:08:59 pm
A bloke and his bird are in the sack, when after snuggling up for a while, the guy decides to go for it, the gal stops him cold "I dont feel like it! I just want you to hold me..." the dude is like "WHAT!", the chick explains that he must be in touch with her feminine needs as an emotional woman...
As nothing is going to happen, he thinks about how to overcome this issue next time.
The next day, he takes his totty into town and takes her to the department store, trying on the best outfits, angling the finest shoes on her feet and lacing the most expensive jewlry from her neck and ears, she gathers a whole new look and is blown away by his generosity, "this is going to cost a fortune" she cries with excitment, "no, its not" he replies, I just wanted you to hold this for a while, you need to be in tune to my financial needs as a man"...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mike Tyson on February 19, 2007, 08:21:12 pm
A son asks his father

Whats the difference between "Theoretically" and "Realistically"

Dad says thats a tricky one, but I have an idea. Go and ask your mum if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million pounds.

Mother says yes.

Now go and ask your sister if she would sleep with the coal man for 2 million pound.

Sister says yes.

There you have it son, theoretically we're sitting on 3 million pounds but realistically we're living with 2 slags........
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on February 19, 2007, 08:37:42 pm
V Good...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on February 19, 2007, 10:41:12 pm
Why shouldn't you wear boxer shorts in the Ukraine?

Because chernobyl fall out.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lorentz on February 20, 2007, 01:02:46 pm
 :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on February 20, 2007, 01:37:43 pm
one "normal" man commits a crime, and gets convicted.
as he hears the iron door of the cell closing behind his back, he sees an enormous figure coming out from the dark side of the room. so a big black man comes out and tells him, with a very deep voice: now we play mom and dad.
the man feels hopeless and desperate, but the giant then asks him: what do you want to be, mom or dad?
so the man feels a bit relieved, and quickly answers: oh, ill be the dad, ive been many times in jail and ive always been the dad!!!
ok, says the black man, so now dad comes here and gives head to mom.
 ;)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: richdraws on February 20, 2007, 01:42:21 pm
(http://ic3.deviantart.com/images/i/2004/02/9/e/Emoticon___Tumbleweed)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lorentz on February 21, 2007, 12:16:12 pm
nice emoticon richdraws. Where'd you score that one?

Received from a mate today.



Johnny fancied a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone
else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said:

I'll give you a £100 for sex, but the girl said NO.

Johnny said: "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult
her boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast,
he won't even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and
the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally after 45mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...



















She said "the b#####d used coins"! :spank:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on February 21, 2007, 02:37:06 pm
Two Arabs board a plane out of Washington for New York, one takes the isle, the other the window. just before take off an Israeli sits between them, kicks off his shoes, wiggles his toes and settles down in his seat, one of the Arabs stirrs and says "I think i will get a coke", the Israeli jumps to his feet and says "no no, please allow me" and scuttles of to fetch a coke, the Arab picks up the Israeli's shoe and hacks a lump from his throat, and spits in the shoe, the other Arab laughs, just as the Israeli returns, "here, one cola my friend", the other Arab comments on how good it would be if he could also have one, the Israeli does not hessitate in replying "please, friend, allow me" turns round and fetches another coke, the other Arab does not hessitate and spits in the other shoe, still giggling the Arabs high five, just as the Israeli returns with the second coke, gives it to the Arab, and settles down and sleeps for the duration of the journey.
The plane touches down in New York and the Israeli puts his shoes on, instantly realizing what has happend, "my brothers, how long must we continue this bitterness, spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lorentz on February 27, 2007, 11:13:15 am
Tony Blair was visiting a primary school class. They were in the middle of a
discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion
on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an
example of a "tragedy".

A little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him; that would
be a 'tragedy'".

"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a Tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister, "that's what we would call a
great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony
searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of
tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet
voice he said: "If the Air plane carrying you and Mrs. Blair was struck by a
"friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a bloody accident either”!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on February 27, 2007, 12:18:48 pm
president bush is also visiting primary schools in usa.
after his speech, he asks the children if they have questions.
little bob raise his small hand and says:
"mr president, i have three questions.
first: dont you think that bombing civilians in iraq is an act of terrorism?
second: dont you think that using nuclear bomb on hiroshima and nagasaki were acts of terrorism?
third: dont you think that the votes count for your election was illegal?"
as mr president pales and try to find the words, the bell rings.
after the pause, again in the class, mr president is again ready for questions.
little john has four questions, he says, and goes:
"first: dont you think that bombing civilians in iraq is an act of terrorism?
second: dont you think that using nuclear bomb on hiroshima and nagasaki were acts of terrorism?
third: dont you think that the votes count for your election was illegal?
fourth: wheres little bob?"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on February 27, 2007, 12:38:24 pm
and just another one (not much work to do today).

a cruise ship shipwrecks and sinks and all the passengers are lost at sea.
one man manages to land on a beautiful shore of a tropical small deserted island, with every kind of fruit dangling from trees, pure water springs, and realizes hes safe forever. in that second he also realizes that the only other passenger to land on that shore is naomi campbell. he introduces himself and politely explains that being alone on that island, they should think about their sexual needs, and adapt to the situation, that he understands that hes not even close to being worth, but that they should adapt to their new life as best as they can.
naomi clearly understands the man, and politely accept the idea, so they start their story together.

after a few weeks of making love with the most beautiful woman on earth, the man gets sad and one day asks her: excuse me naomi, i may look strange, but...do you mind if, with this piece of coal, i draw some big sideburns on you beautiful face?
shes puzzled but accepts.
life goes on, until one other day the man asks again: excuse me my love, could i draw some big dark moustache on your perfect face?
shes even more puzzled but again accepts, to discover what the man wants.
after a few days, the man asks again: mu joy, now that you have big sideburns and moustache, do you mind if i call you tony?
now shes vey worried, but prepared to the obvious truth, so she accepts again.

so the man, brings hes aside, takes her hands, and whispers in her ears:

tony, hear this: im fucking naomi campbell!!!!!!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on February 28, 2007, 03:39:59 pm
 ;D

...with every kind of fruit dangling from trees...

Shhh, don't mention fruit! We'll be all apples and oranges soon.

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: BenF on February 28, 2007, 05:10:17 pm
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

Quality joke Nibile.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on February 28, 2007, 07:15:42 pm
tony, hear this: im fucking naomi campbell!!!!!!

And she says, "No.  I'm fucking Naomi Campbell you fuckwit" and punched him in the face no doubt.
Then put her fur coat on....  :whistle:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Stubbs on March 01, 2007, 09:04:17 am
Translate that joke into perfect italian now or you're getting puntered.  ;D
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on March 01, 2007, 07:17:14 pm
Translate that joke into perfect italian now or you're getting puntered.  ;D
It was more a comment on Campbell than on Nib's English, which is not at fault.

However:
E dice, “no. Sto scopando Naomi Campbell voi fuckwit„ e perforato lui nella faccia senza dubbio.
How's that???
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Stubbs on March 02, 2007, 08:37:46 am
Bellisimo
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: BenF on March 02, 2007, 08:40:46 am
The fourteen stone eight year old that has been in the news lately said that he liked studying music at school.  He was asked in an interview what his favourite instrument at school was. 

He replied...  the dinner bell.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on March 02, 2007, 02:21:16 pm
hey nice italian around!!!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on May 03, 2007, 07:58:21 pm
A woman is in a coma in hospital, during her bedbath the nurse notices that she responds when ever she washes her fanny! she informs the doctor of her observations. The doctor performs some tests before notifying the husband of the patients progress, The husband arrives and is informed of the latest breakthrough, "We think you should engage in oral sex with your wife, she could respond", the husband agrees and is left in privacy. Five minuites pass and the alarm sounds off, the team rush only to find the patient flat lineing... "what happened" the doctor asks, "Er, I think she choked"...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: unclesomebody on May 11, 2007, 06:12:55 pm
A woman is invited by her friend to join an exclusive club - for women
only - in the centre of London and is provided with a membership card with
directions to the venue.

Intrigued, the woman follows the directions on the back of the card and
arrives at her destination. She walks in and sees a lift with the doors
open.

The lift operator - a handsome man dressed in an immaculate uniform - nods
and asks which floor she wants.

"I don't know" she says. "What's on each floor?".

"Well" he says. "The first floor has your basic bog standard male model.
Good looks but a bit short on intellect.

The second floor contains good looking men who are very caring and
attentive, and generally intelligent

The third floor has good looking, caring, attentive, very intelligent men
who are also very good in bed.

And the fourth floor has very good looking, attentive, intelligent men who
are very good in bed but will also give you a cuddle after sex and want to
talk into the early hours about subjects you are interested in. Oh, and they
are also extremely rich".

Looking at the buttons, the woman notices that the numbers go up to 5.

"What's on the fifth floor then?" she says, with a glint in her eye.

"The fifth floor?" says the attendant. "Nothing. But it goes to show how
hard women are to please!".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on May 11, 2007, 08:02:09 pm
Today, fifteen British troops were captured in Iranian waters, they had strayed from Iraq during a routine operation.
One Woman, and fourteen male operatives are being held captive, during a propaganda publicity stunt they where displayed on prime time TV, The Female Troop has denied they entered Iranian territory.
Does not take much to work out who was reading the map...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on May 23, 2007, 01:52:40 pm
OK, its not PC, but old and funny;
Englishman, Irishman and a Welshman, wandering through the Peak when they come across a sheep with its head stuck in some railings, The Englishman says "I will go get help, wait here", and runs of to Hathersage, the welshman looks round at the Irishman and puts his finger to his lips "Shhh", pulls down his trousers and fucks the Sheep vigorously for twenty minutes, pulls out and looks round to the Irishman, "your turn!", the Irish man says "there is no way will my head fit in those narrow railings"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: widdop on May 23, 2007, 11:16:34 pm
yes its not pc ,but good .
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on May 24, 2007, 10:09:25 am
That reminds me of another non-PC joke. 
Quote
Students surveying the sheep shagging habits of farmers around the UK.  They have surveyed Wales and England and always get the same response.  Their last stop is a remote area of Scotland.  They survey a farmer and ask what his technique is.  He says "Sheep's back feet in the wellies and front feet over my shoulders."  The survey guys look puzzled and say "that's odd, every other farmer in the UK has said they put the back feet in the wellies and front feet over a wall".
"What?!?!!" says the farmer.  "And miss out on all the kissing?"

prepares to be puntered
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Somebody's Fool on May 24, 2007, 10:32:46 am
Got this off Britain's most promising sport climber/joke inventor the other day.  I can't be certain he made it up, but I wouldn't be surprised:

Quote
A farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field full of dildos.  Unfortunately he's having terrible trouble with squatters.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on May 29, 2007, 11:44:38 am
freshly heard.

one ugly guy enters a bank, goes to one of the desks, and asks the woman: "how the fuck can i open a fuckin account in this shitty bank?"
the woman gets all red in the face, and replies: "please, could you use a more proper language?"
and the man: "how the fuck can i open a fuckin account in this shitty bank, you idiot!"
"ill call the director immediately" screams the woman, going to the directors room.
the director comes and faces the man, who tells him "how the fuck can i open a fuckin £ 10 million account in this shitty bank?"
"its very easy - the director says - this bitch here gave you problems?"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Bowie on July 04, 2007, 11:07:39 am
some amusing tales:

1. glasgow fighting spirit...(ref car bombing) - the real quotes are by far the funniest.


If this had happened in a US airport, compared to Glasgow Eyewitnes
accounts.

America:"Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about, i
just ran for my life. I thought i was gonna die, he got so close to
me"

Glasgow "Bawbag wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a
good boot, then decked him"
 
America:" I just wanna get home, away from here. I just wanna get
home, I thought i was gonna die"

Glasgow:" here shug, am no leaving here till am oan a f*ckin' plane!"

America:" there was pandemonium, people were running in all
directions, we didn't know what was happening thought i was gonna die"

Glasgow:"F*ck this fir a kerry oan, moan we ll get a pint in"

America:" We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas
canister, and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were
gonna die, I just ran for my life"

Glasgow:"a swaggered by the motor that wis on fire, and the dafty
couldnae even open his boot, he wis in fire annaw so a ran up n gave
him a good boot to the baws"

America: there was this huge explosion, it sounded like war, I thought
i was gonna die"

Glasgow:" There wis a bang, yi know when yi throw BO basher intae a
fire it wis like that"

America:" I'm too traumatized even to speak, I thought i was gonna
die"

Glasgow "here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am
gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it"

& finally, two quotes from an eye-witness......... John Smeaton (these
are real)

John just surpassed himself on the National ITV news. The interviewer
asked "What message do you have for the bombers" - he replied "This is
Glasgow we'll just set about you"

John done an interview on cnn and they asked how he restrained the guy
and he said "me and other folk were just tryin to get the boot in and
some other guy banjoed him" !

2. The Citibank Dead Customer Transcript

advertisement
A lady died in January 2006, and Citibank billed her credit card service charges in February and March. As the customer was in no position to pay up, Citibank added late fees and interest.

A family member then placed a call to the bank. Here's the telephone exchange:

Family Member - "I am calling to tell you she died in January.

Citibank - "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member - "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank - "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member - "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank - "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member - "Do you think God will be mad at her?" !!)

Citibank - "Excuse me?"

Family Member - "Did you just get what I was telling you? The part about her being dead?"

Citibank -"Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

The supervisor then gets on the phone.

Family Member - "I'm calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank - "The account was never closed. And late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member - "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank - (Stammering) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member - "No, I'm her great nephew."? (Lawyer information given)

Citibank - "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member - "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank - "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member - "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank - "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member - "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank - "That might help."

Family Member - "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank - "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member - "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: cofe on July 04, 2007, 11:13:54 am
a blind man walks into a shop swinging a dog around his head.

shopkeeper: "what do you think you're doing?"

blind man: "having a look around"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on July 24, 2007, 10:38:30 am
This might not be to everyones taste, but....

Freddie Mercury, Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates.St
Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to
put forward their case for entry.

Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some
mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music
in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody
with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"

"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"

Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll
completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the
cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you
will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"

"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?"

Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down
her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets
the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.

"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter

"Hold on a fucking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"

"Bollocks, Fred you know the rules" says St Peter, "A royal flush beats
a pair of Queens...!!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on August 20, 2007, 02:01:11 pm
Too good,,,
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on September 03, 2007, 10:00:37 pm
Farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's
fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a
fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving
her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and
didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and
groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her
fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what would you say?"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on October 02, 2007, 02:22:48 pm
This fella asks his Dyslexic mate "can you smell someting funny?"
"Nah" he sez "I can not even smell my own name"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on October 11, 2007, 12:40:07 pm
What does a priest & a pint of Guinness have in common?

Black coat, white collar, and watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Drew on October 11, 2007, 09:43:57 pm
Why did the baker have smelly hands?


Because he needed a poo.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on October 13, 2007, 11:56:18 am
did you hear about the fire that broke out in a football stadium in north-eastern spain? There was only one way out and there was a massive crush and panic. Its just goes to show you shouldnt put all your Basques in one exit.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on October 15, 2007, 11:38:54 pm
Three men are captured by a barbaric African tribe, and tied up in a mud hut.

The first man is given the choice, death or umbongo. Not fancying death very much he decides to take umbongo. He is taken out into a clearing, staked to the ground and raped by every male member of the tribe. His broken body is thrown back into the mud hut.

The second man is also given the choice, death or umbongo, and he decides to take umbongo. He is taken out into a clearing, staked to the ground and raped by every male member of the tribe.

The third man is then given the choice, death or umbongo. Seeing the state of his colleagues he decides to take death. He is taken out into a clearing, staked to the ground and the chief shouts, "DEATH BY UMBONGO!"



Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on October 16, 2007, 10:06:32 am
two criminals are sentenced to death, and since they were together in the crime, they are going to be executed one just after the other.
when the time comes, they are given the choice betwenn electric chair and lethal injection, both mechanisms already prepared.
the first one gets in the room, in front of all the specators, judges, and policemen, and loudly says: "i choose the electric chair".
he is tied to the chair, everything is set, and the button in pressed, but as the lights in the room fade and come back, the chair makes a few sparkles and nothing else.
everything is set again, but for two other times no electric charge is given to the man, that, according to the law, is set free. since there's no other exit from the room, they take him out from the same corridor where the other criminal is going in, and just as they cross their eyes, the first one whispers "chair broken" to the other.
according to the law, the secon criminal as well is given the choice.
he makes one step forward in front of the crowd, loudly laughs and exclaim: "today, you bastards will have another surprise, ahahahaha!!!! i know everything, you bastards, so i'll have the lethal injection!!!!!!!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mike Tyson on October 30, 2007, 09:50:55 pm
Whats big in one hand and small in the other?






































Jeremy Beadle's cock......
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: DubDom on November 05, 2007, 12:12:03 am
What did the shy pebble want to be when he grew up?











                                                                            ........A little boulder!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on November 12, 2007, 07:39:03 am
The Swedish Chef from The Muppet show went to the pharmacy in Stockholm to buy some anti-perspirant.



Roll-on ball or aerosol?  Asked the pharmacist.



Neither, it's for my armpits.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on November 23, 2007, 01:13:45 pm
Why do women watch pr0n films untill the end?











To see if they get married!!!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on November 28, 2007, 12:16:55 pm
I'm in two minds as to whether I should post this as its somewhat tasteless, but what the hell....


Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on November 28, 2007, 12:35:30 pm
I'm in two minds as to whether I should post this as its somewhat tasteless, but what the hell....


Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

...and probably not statistically accurate, depends on participants I guess.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are in the jungle when they are captured by the local tribe as they were trespassing on holy ground.
As punishment they were to undergo a local ritual.  Each was sent into the jungle to collect fruits- 100 each.
The first back was the Scotsman, carrying an armful of small berries similar to grapes.  He was grabbed by some of the tribe and held down whilst the elder shoved all 100 berries up his arse.
The Englishman was returning to hear the screams.  When he arrived back with plums he was jumped and held down as the ritual was repeated.  50 plums rammed in and the Englishman stops screaming and starts laughing.  The elder is displeased and continues his task with extra vim and gusto.  51, 52, 53... the Englishman in pissing himself laughing.
"What's so fucking funny?" asks the elder.

"I've just seen the Irishman with 100 coconuts"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: jfw on November 28, 2007, 02:23:30 pm
pineapples would be worse
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Bowie on November 28, 2007, 04:07:57 pm
its not a joke so off topic but it is highly amusing - zoom in on the countries of europe (france is featured country) and click on icons to read a description. highly accurate...

http://www.theonion.com/content/atlas/ (http://www.theonion.com/content/atlas/)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on November 28, 2007, 05:43:31 pm
its not a joke so off topic but it is highly amusing - zoom in on the countries of europe (france is featured country) and click on icons to read a description. highly accurate...

http://www.theonion.com/content/atlas/ (http://www.theonion.com/content/atlas/)

Quite amusing, I particularly liked the entry for Egypt
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Bowie on November 30, 2007, 09:15:34 am
on the only joking topic, but not a joke, went to a great (relatively new i think) little comedy club at bar abbey last night (the old picture house on abbeydale road). 2 in, 5 acts, some good, other ok, but for 2!

next event is thurs 20th dec, doors at 7.30, starts at 8.30. nice friendly vibe.
 
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on November 30, 2007, 09:49:11 am
Bit late but still funny.....

What's nine inches long and dangles in front of a cunt?

Steve McLaren's tie.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on December 11, 2007, 09:56:59 am
I recently bought a teddy bear for ten quid.
I named it Mohamed and then sold it on for twenty quid.
Have I made a real prophet?


Obviously, I haven't actually named a teddy bear in this way, or made money from such a sale.
I have, however, told a lie and put it forward as a joke - which is a wrong thing to do, apparently.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on December 11, 2007, 11:49:40 am

Obviously, I haven't actually named a teddy bear in this way, or made money from such a sale.
I have, however, told a lie and put it forward as a joke - which is a wrong thing to do, apparently.

Was this diclaimer to avoid sentencing?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on December 11, 2007, 06:27:11 pm
Was this diclaimer to avoid sentencing?

Just to make sure that the American Christian Right don't think I'm on their side either.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on December 18, 2007, 05:20:56 pm
(http://slack.ser.man.ac.uk/files/cometomaddie.jpg)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on December 21, 2007, 03:17:21 pm
(http://slack.ser.man.ac.uk/files/cometomaddie.jpg)

 :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on December 21, 2007, 03:18:11 pm
Still less disturbing than the original though.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: galpinos on January 10, 2008, 02:36:04 pm
Three priests are out taking three choirboys fishing, when the boat starts to sink.
"We've got to save the boys!" screams the first priest.
"Fuck the boys!" roars the second.
The third looks nervously at the water flooding the boat and asks "Do you think we've got time?"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on January 11, 2008, 07:28:36 pm
The King of Saudi Arabia was talking to President Bush, he said, Can I ask you something personal?

Sure, go ahead, Bush said.

The King whispered confidentially, One of my many sons watches your television show Star Trek. He sees women, Blacks, Russians, and Scots, but no Saudis. Why are there no Saudis in Star Trek?

Bush whispered back, Because it's set in the future.


Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on January 12, 2008, 11:46:37 am
The King of Saudi Arabia was talking to President Bush, he said, Can I ask you something personal?
Sure, go ahead, Bush said.
The King whispered confidentially, One of my many sons watches your television show Star Trek. He sees women, Blacks, Russians, and Scots, but no Saudis. Why are there no Saudis in Star Trek?
Bush whispered back, Because it's set in the future.
Did you see this actually happen on CNN? Or is it just a joke?
(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/5578/oiegeorgewbushfingerjb8.gif)
brrrrrrr, scary monkey.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on January 12, 2008, 01:12:06 pm
'T would make a sterling avatar, chap.




I've seen the full clip, it's real.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on January 12, 2008, 03:36:26 pm
'T would make a sterling avatar, chap.




I've seen the full clip, it's real.
:lol: I meant "is the Bush/Saudi King conversation real?"
and just put the gif there to illustrate the likelyhood of it happening for real.

That is the gif I re-sized for an avatar, but I got bogged down (using online editing facilities that are not blocked by work) with trying to alter it so that he was sticking his finger up Clarkson's arse. Given up for now.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on January 22, 2008, 10:47:23 am
(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/close_to_you.png)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: cofe on January 22, 2008, 02:24:43 pm
Did you hear the one about the army baker?
















He came out all buns glazing.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: r-man on January 22, 2008, 02:32:23 pm
But why did the baker have brown hands?













Because he kneaded a poo.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: cofe on January 22, 2008, 02:33:50 pm
word. that's a good one too. be sure to do the hand gestures when telling it.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on January 22, 2008, 02:58:49 pm
this is bad:
-----------------

Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one
says to the second that the average person
knows very little about basic mathematics.
The second one disagrees, and claims that most
people can cope with a reasonable amount
of mathematics.

The first mathematician goes off to the toilet,
and in his absence the second calls over the waitress.
He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has
returned, he will call her over and ask her a question.
All she has to do is answer "one third x cubed."

She repeats "one thur dex cue"?

He repeats, "one third x cubed".

She asks, "one thir dex cubed?"

"Yes, that's right," he says.

So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself,
"one thir dex cubed...".

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet
to prove his point, that most people do know something
about basic mathematics. He says he will ask the blonde waitress
an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man
calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?".

The waitress says "one third x cubed" and whilst walking away,
turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: BenF on January 22, 2008, 03:03:40 pm
You thought that was bad Dave... 

Two telly's met and fell in love on a rooftop.  They got married and whilst the ceremony was a bit crap, the reception was great.


(with apologies to Tommy Cooper and to everyone else)

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Dr T on January 22, 2008, 03:32:11 pm
two elephants fell off a cliff




boom boom
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on January 22, 2008, 03:40:39 pm
A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the barman, 'How much for a beer?'
The barman looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'


Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!'
The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'


Where does criminal light end up?
In a prism.


Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Dr T on January 22, 2008, 03:47:48 pm
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side.

genius  :bow:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Banana finger on January 22, 2008, 05:02:41 pm
A biochemist walks into a bar and asks for a pint of adenosine triphosphate. The barman says thats 80p please.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: r-man on January 22, 2008, 11:19:57 pm
An African tribe steals the chief's throne from their rival tribe. They hide it in the rafters of their chief's hut. Unfortunately the roof collapses, the throne plummets and their chief is killed.

Moral of the story: Never stow thrones in a grass house.



Title: Re: only joking
Post by: r-man on January 22, 2008, 11:28:56 pm
These jokes come from an Italian hairdresser in Bristol. Apparently he makes you repeat them so he knows you can pass them on. I suggest reading them in an Italian accent...

A man goes to the doctor.
"Doctor doctor, I have a strawberry stuck in my bum."
The doctor puts a little cream on it.


A naked woman runs into the forest.
A man sees her. "Are you game?" he asks.
"Yes," she says.
So he gets out his rifle and shoots her.


A man looks for a book in the library. He can't find it, so he goes to the receptionist.
"I want to get out a book. The book I want is the Suicide Book."
"No," she says. "I will not give you this book. You will not bring it back."


A man walks into a pet shop.
"I want to buy a wasp."
"We do not sell wasps."
"But I saw one in the window."

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Bowie on January 26, 2008, 05:39:37 pm
Subject: God's truth.


An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world, so he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Rome.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read Euro 10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for Euro 10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.  Next stop was in Moscow.  There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.  He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Rome and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for 10,000 Roubles he could talk to God.

 'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to France, Israel, Germany and Brazil.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with a '10,000 per call' sign under it. The American finally decided to travel to the UK to see if the British had the same phone.

He arrived in York and again, in the Minster, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read 20p per call.'

 The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

Reverend, I've travelled all over World and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches.  I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but everywhere I went the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'youre in Yorkshire now, son - it's a local call'
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Bowie on January 28, 2008, 08:42:23 am
a wonderful parody (our french employees particularly enjoyed it):

FRIENDS of rogue trader Jerome Kerviel last night blamed his $7 billion
losses on unbearable levels of stress brought on by a punishing 30 hour
week. Kerviel hid his November losses in a batch of wonderfully fresh
croissant, Kerviel was known to start work as early as nine in the morning
and still be at his desk at five or even five-thirty, often with just an
hour and a half for lunch.

One colleague said: "He was, how you say, une workaholique. I have a family
and a mistress so I would leave the office at around 2pm at the latest, if
I wasn't on strike. "But Jerome was tied to that desk. One day I came back
to the office at 3pm because I had forgotten my stupid little hat and there
he was, fast asleep on the photocopier. "At first I assumed he had been
having sex with it, but then I remembered he had been working for almost
six hours and had not been on strike for at least 4 days"

As the losses mounted, Kerviel tried to conceal his bad trades by covering
them with an intense red wine sauce, later switching to delicate pastry
horns. At one point he managed to dispose of dozens of transactions by
hiding them inside vol-au-vent cases and staging a fake reception. Last
night a spokesman for Sct Gnrl denied that Kerviel was overworked,
insisting he lost the money after betting that the French were about to
stop being rude, lazy, arrogant bsatards
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on January 28, 2008, 11:17:09 am
a wonderful parody (our french employees particularly enjoyed it):


From The Daily Mash (http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/business/french-trader-was-forced-to-work-30-hours-a-week-20080125680/).
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Bowie on January 29, 2008, 10:46:07 am
 :kiss1:cheers for that - excellent site.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grumpycrumpy on January 29, 2008, 01:23:46 pm
A woman walks into a pub and asks the barman for a double entendre .... So he gives her one ...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on January 29, 2008, 01:35:34 pm
A man walks into a bar.






He says "ouch";






it was an iron bar.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on January 29, 2008, 01:41:30 pm
A baby seal walks into a club
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jim on January 29, 2008, 03:46:30 pm
whats brown and taps on the window?





baby in a microwave
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Somebody's Fool on January 29, 2008, 04:36:31 pm
And there was me worried fatherhood might change you Jim.

Back on topic,

A man goes to the doctor because he's being having trouble with his unmentionables. 

After giving him a quick once over the doctor says:  'I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating sir.'

The man looks aghast: 'Really doctor?  Why's that?'

'Because, sir, I'm trying to examine you.'
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: fatdoc on January 29, 2008, 06:12:57 pm
There's sumat about baby jokes isnt there?


1. What goes thok... thok... thok.... thok...


A baby with a javelin through it's neck trying to get round a corner in a corridor


2. what's bright red, down a hole and screaming?


a peeled baby in a salt mine



3. what's the difference between a lorry load of marbles ans a lorry load of babies?




you cant unload the marbles with a pitchfork
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on January 30, 2008, 03:41:12 pm
I found a bit of lettuce sticking out of my ear the other day. Had it checked out at the doctor and it was bad news - he said it was just the tip of the iceberg.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on January 30, 2008, 03:56:44 pm
Q:   What's the difference between Lady Diana and the East Germans?





















































A:     The East Germans survived the wall.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on January 30, 2008, 03:58:26 pm
Q:    What's cannibalism?





































































A:   Germans eating pork.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on January 30, 2008, 04:00:31 pm
Q:      Why are there so many tree-lined streets and leafy lanes in France?






























































A:         Germans like to march in the shade.

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on January 30, 2008, 04:02:30 pm
"Two Martinis, bitte."

"Dry?"

"Nein, I said TWO!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on January 30, 2008, 04:03:46 pm
Knock Knock

Who's there?

Gestapo

Gestapo who?

Ve Vill ask ze Questions!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on January 30, 2008, 04:09:23 pm
Happiness is a German who doesn't cook.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on January 30, 2008, 04:09:59 pm
Have you heard of the new German microwave?       



It seats 25.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on January 30, 2008, 04:15:12 pm
Vat, er, What did the German clockmaker say to the clock that went tick, tick, tick?




















































"Ve hav vays ov making you tock!"

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on January 30, 2008, 04:22:01 pm
My favourite german joke;

A guy is walking into the olympic village carrying a long white pole.

Guy walks up and says "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He replies "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name?"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on January 30, 2008, 04:23:36 pm
I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on January 30, 2008, 04:25:14 pm
As seen at the border



Welcome to Belgium:  Gateway to France!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on January 30, 2008, 06:35:41 pm
This has had a few septics screaming...

A married couple on vacation from Texas, find themselves in deep dark Wales. They decide to get some fast food in the small town called Llandygelergogogoch, after placing an order, they enqiure, We are from the states, could to tell us the name of the place, only real slowly. Ruth Maddox replys Burrrrger Kiiiiiiiing.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on January 30, 2008, 06:50:05 pm
Dr T

Are you a fucking moron?


I live in Germany - out of choice.
I talk German for much of the day
My partner is German
Father-in-law Serbian
Brother-in-Law Hungarian

And forgot to mention a fully payed-up member of the ANL!

If you use words like racist to me again I'll hunt you down and request a less than quiet chat.  You are treading on gossamer-thin ice my assumptive friend.



FUCK YOU!!



Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on January 30, 2008, 07:12:47 pm
Dr T

Are you a fucking moron?


Am I missing something, or has a post been deleted? (In which case I'm still missing something!)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on January 30, 2008, 07:16:06 pm
Check the Karma stats.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on January 30, 2008, 07:17:13 pm
Fucking twat.


You don't lead the life I lead AND get the opprtunity to be racist.  Reactionary dickfuck.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on January 30, 2008, 07:20:28 pm
Ahh, hadn't thought of checking that. I shall  :rtfm:in the future.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Dr T on January 30, 2008, 08:28:54 pm
Dr T

Are you a fucking moron?

If you use words like racist to me again I'll hunt you down and request a less than quiet chat.  You are treading on gossamer-thin ice my assumptive friend.

FUCK YOU!!

Dear Houdini

have sent a quiet PM but seeing as you've decided to publicly rip me to bits I'll publicly point out that from my point of view, knowing nothing about you at all, eight German jokes on the trot could well be a deemed a touch anti German

and anyway I never called you racist I merely stated my opinion that such a barrage of jokes bordered on racism

as an intelligent person and a anti-racist campaigner you must know that casual racism is a very dangerous thin end of the wedge situation

so if you still want to publicly threaten me feel free but try and calm down and look at it from the point of view of someone that doesn't know any details of you're personal life and ask yourself what you might think in my position

and as I said in my PM my best friend is German so yes I am concerned about latent racism - further more as a teacher if I heard on of the kids tell eight German jokes on the trot I'd be having a word with them about how their words could be perceived

ok some of the jokes are very hard to offence to but the cannibalism, Gestapo and tree-lined streets ones would certainly have got kids into trouble at my school

so maybe I should have PM'd you rather than puntered you but from you're reaction I doubt I'd have had a calmer more reasoned response.

Yours
 Ben
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: fatdoc on January 30, 2008, 08:47:12 pm
calm down everyone...

this thread is never going to be * socially normal*, what a bunch of climbers telling eachjother jokes from accross the globe??! :o

i have to say, if you had not already percieved / guessed houdini was at the least living in, or in some part German it could be construed as a little off...but no more off than the sexist / babyist (yes i know.. there aint such a word) stuff in the last few pages. ;D which i also found very good reading indeed.

personally I laughed my tits off... but I seem to have appreciated over time that there is a Greman conection with the guy. Houdini is obviously not happy at all either - c'mon it's not worth it over a joke guys... but I think everyone is a little hot under the collar here

seems to me this is a classic forum problem, as in not accross a table in a bar where here on the www. thing get a little misconstrued..

can we all be big friends again??


 :kiss1:

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Somebody's Fool on January 30, 2008, 09:00:53 pm
Crikey.  Certainly a strong reaction.  How I imagine Francis Begbie w/internet access.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on January 30, 2008, 09:17:04 pm
So what if I make 8 German jokes in a row?  Laughter is a healing process.  You doubt that?  Come to where I live and talk to the locals.  So what if I make 98 Polish Jokes in a row?  I make jokes about the English and depreciate myself   24/7 too.  The problem w/ modern life and the legacy of the Holocaust is that it's absolutely impossible to criticise/poke fun at anyone w/ out being called racist.  Which is fucking bollox!  People are afraid to laugh the way they used to.

Be a funnier place if people were less "right on" and lived on the same planet as I.  Stand by what I said.  I'll take any name on Earth but that one.  Your meaning was implicit.

Over here, the word racist means something.  Begbie blah.  You've pissed me off, large.  Sorry for the tit-for-tat, heat-of-the-moment, return it, egal. 

Don't reply to this.

Get this thread on track!!

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on January 30, 2008, 09:19:22 pm
And fuck off JB.

In the last 3.5 months I've spent 5 weeks in Finland and a month in Font.  Fuck you too.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on January 30, 2008, 09:24:35 pm
What's cunnilingus got in common with posting on here?

One slip of the tongue and you're in the shit.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on January 30, 2008, 09:26:42 pm
Now that's what I call a joke.




Please, I'm a pussy cat.  You just rubbed my fr the wrongest way you could.  Alas - I'm a fighter and a lover - apologies.   
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Dr T on January 30, 2008, 09:28:22 pm
Now that's what I call a joke.




Please, I'm a pussy cat.  You just rubbed my fr the wrongest way you could.  Alas - I'm a fighter and a lover - apologies.   


fair play - apologies all round
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on January 30, 2008, 09:33:18 pm
 :kiss1: :kiss2:

That's better.  Play nice boys.  We've had enough bad feeling what with Mick von Ryan.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on January 30, 2008, 09:35:24 pm
Works both ways - and so glad am I for that

http://www.german-jokes.com/
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on January 30, 2008, 09:37:15 pm
What's the difference between cunnilingus and being mugged by Mick Ryan?

At least with cunnilingus you can see the cunt coming.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Yossarian on January 30, 2008, 09:38:34 pm
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my arse coming into work today."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Yossarian on January 30, 2008, 09:41:09 pm

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks a clerk for an anal deodorant. The clerk explains that they don't stock such a thing. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The store clerk passes the man on to the pharmacist, who explains that the store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago, and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks the man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that the instructions on the reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."

oh dear...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on January 30, 2008, 09:41:23 pm
They've brought out viagara eyedrops.
They make you look hard.

Old favourite:
A man goes to the GP with a steering wheel in his crotch.
GP:  What's the problem?
Man:  Can you do something about this- it's driving me nuts.

Ba da boom.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: 205Chris on January 30, 2008, 10:56:57 pm
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn't budget!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on January 31, 2008, 08:50:49 am
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn't budget!

yes, he had to work it out with a pencil.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on January 31, 2008, 10:17:33 am
R.I.P. (http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b369/VinnyVanBommel/beadle_1.jpg)

(http://img527.imageshack.us/img527/8808/beadlecy0.jpg)


Heard he was pretty useless at cards, he always had a crap hand.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on January 31, 2008, 11:09:48 am
A poor variation on Jasper's favorite joke

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbAJJ1mw9go
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on January 31, 2008, 11:17:29 am
Whap



whap



whap



whap



waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah . . .



*lead ballon falls from the sky and crushes hip*


*dies laughing about it . . .*
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Peanuts on January 31, 2008, 12:03:30 pm
And while we are on the subject of stereotyping ... here's a few more ;)

The German sense of Humour ...

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

 
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her
drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on January 31, 2008, 12:05:55 pm
A poor variation on Jasper's favorite joke

No sound at work. Which joke?

Those are class by the way Peanuts.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on January 31, 2008, 06:16:26 pm
A poor variation on Jasper's favorite joke

No sound at work. Which joke?


The man whose head is half an orange
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Will Hunt on January 31, 2008, 11:16:51 pm
Where did you hear the orange head joke? Ive been telling that for years!
Some people love it, with some people it dives. My friend loved it and told it to her dad who then locked her out of the house for a while.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on January 31, 2008, 11:29:25 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbAJJ1mw9go

Does the unfunny lassie look like Dave McLeod, or haven't I drunk enough?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on January 31, 2008, 11:35:43 pm
You can tell by the fingers . . .




                                           Schpoo - kay . . .
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on January 31, 2008, 11:44:19 pm
Mmmmm.  She's kinda sexy :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on February 01, 2008, 10:44:07 am
Where did you hear the orange head joke? Ive been telling that for years!


I read an article years ago where some comedian quoted it as his favourite joke.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grumpycrumpy on February 01, 2008, 11:29:06 am
Heard the orange head joke from 'Dancing John' ..... Lager's mate as immortalised in video by his belly flop finishes and dirty sn**gering ......
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on February 05, 2008, 05:28:08 pm
Yeah he got it from me. I used to bore people with it in The Broadfield many years ago.

Along with..........

A bloke sees a sign in front of a house that reads "Talking dog for sale" so rings the doorbell.

The dog answers the door and the man asks him for his story.

"I worked for the government for a while in espionage." says the dog "I travelled the world eavesdropping on world leaders, military generals and the like. I was incredibly successful and made a fortune as well as befriending a lot of very powerful people."

"Really?" says the man "That's amazing."

"Then I got a job at Heathrow working in undercover security." continues the dog "I foiled terrorist plots and broke up a major drugs ring. I won loads of medals and even met the Queen."

The man is stunned and when the owner arrives minutes later asks him how much he wants for the dog.

"A tenner." Says the owner.

"Ten pounds!?" exclaims the bloke "But this dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a fucking liar." replies the owner "He never did any of that stuff."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grumpycrumpy on February 05, 2008, 09:11:23 pm
Nice one youth .... In retaliation ...

A man with a frog on his head  walks into a doctor's surgery .....
'Bloody Hell , says the doctor , where did that come from '
'It started off as a wart on my foot ' ...... 
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Dr T on February 07, 2008, 09:07:34 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KG-pmg_CCeI
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on February 07, 2008, 09:19:35 pm
" . . . anyway I love English food . . ."


Thats the spirit Dr T . . .        No-one is abouve or below laughter . . .
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on February 29, 2008, 03:15:10 pm
Two  Al-Qaeda mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mums pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing...

"This is my oldest son, Mohammed.  He would be 24 now".

The other mum replies, "I remember him as a baby."

Mum says, "He's a martyr now."

"Oh, so sad my dear."

Mum flips to another picture.  "And this is my second son, Kalid.  He would be 21."

"Oh I remember him.  He had such curly hair when he was born."

Mum sighs, "He's a martyr, too."

"Oh gracious me ," says the second mother.

"And this is my third son.  My beautiful Ahmed!  He would be 18", Mum  whispers.

"Yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He's a martyr also", Mum says, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second mother looks wistfully at the photos and says...........







 

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

 
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grumpycrumpy on March 01, 2008, 06:35:36 am
Two parrots on a perch .... One says to the other 'Can you smell fish ?'
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on March 01, 2008, 10:58:52 am
 :lol: *groan*

That took a while. Note to self: wake up.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: cofe on March 17, 2008, 06:11:42 pm
what did st patrick say to the snakes as he was driving them out of ireland?

















you alright in the back there lads?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on March 18, 2008, 08:16:15 am
Probably old, but I hadn't heard it before.


At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The English gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. All Englishmen have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained.

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D- Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any f*cking Frenchmen to show it to"

 

 
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on April 15, 2008, 01:38:54 pm
one family is going to have a barbecue during the summer, with all the neighbours.
the father says to his son: listen, be polite, don't start telling your stupid, vulgar jokes!
the son replies: but dad, i'm always sked to tell jokes by your friends!!!
the father: ok, but even so, don't tell jokes and don't be vulgar.

during the barbecue, obviously some people call the boy and ask him to tell one or two of his funny jokes, but he sadly refuses. when asked why, he says that his father told so, and that he can't use bad words.
one of the men says: ok, listen, tell us a joke, and when you have to pronounce a bad word, instead of that you'll use a number, and we all will understad the meaning nonetheless. ok?

ok, says the boy, so the joke sounds like this: "one two three four and he fucked her".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Night Worker on April 15, 2008, 08:33:24 pm
What's the difference between Max Moseley and Robert Mugabe?


Max Moseley admits it when he's been beaten.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on May 08, 2008, 08:17:10 am
The other day I needed to pay a visit, so I found a public toilet. It had two cubicles. One door was locked so I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

 A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'

 Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'

 After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'

 Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly: 'Just having a quick poo.How about yourself?'

 The next thing I heard him say was - 'Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back.
 I've got some dickhead in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say'.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Bowie on May 22, 2008, 10:05:01 am
Subject: The ATO  (Australian Tax Office)

The ATO decides to audit Roger, and summons him to the ATO office. The ATO auditor is not surprised when Roger shows up with his lawyer.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Roger. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Roger says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Roger removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Roger says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Roger isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Roger removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Roger's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Roger asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Roger stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Roger's lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the lawyer. "This morning, when Roger told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on May 22, 2008, 10:26:32 am
Class.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on May 26, 2008, 10:58:05 pm
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.  There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.  He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.  If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate.  However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever.  The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and water to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

"He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue" the rabbi said. "First, he tells me we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi.  "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on May 26, 2008, 11:13:21 pm
Two social workers meet at a conference and discover that they are both into bee-keeping.
One asks the other:

"How many bees do you keep?"

"I've got 3 hives, in all I've got around 50,000 bees" answered his colleague.

"So how many bees have you got?" the second beekeeper inquires.

"Oh, about a million or so"

"A Million?! How many hives do you have?"

"Just the one"

"You've got a million bees in one hive?"

"Yeah. Fuck 'em, they're only bees"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on May 26, 2008, 11:17:08 pm
Lagers, I dunno whether to laugh or punter ya :lol:


Two men are playing tennis, one man falls and hits his elbow and wants to go to the doctor.  The other man says  "Don't waste any money on the doctors, just go inside the chemists down the street, put 10 in the machine in the corner, piss in the cup, let it do its thing and a slip of paper will come out that tells you what you have".

So he goes to the store puts ten quid in the machine, pisses in the cup and out comes a piece of paper it says "You have tennis elbow.  Take this ointment and apply it on your elbow 3-4 times a daily".  He goes home wondering how it knew what was wrong, and wanted to see if this machine is a real miracle worker.

He goes home and gets his sisters piss, brothers piss, dogs piss, and masturbates into the cup goes back to the chemist, puts a tenner in the machine and places the cup in the machine. The paper comes out and says "Your sister has gonorrhea, your brother is gay, your dog has worms, and if you keep jacking-off like that you'll never lose that tennis elbow.

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on May 27, 2008, 12:57:47 pm
Two social workers meet at a conference and discover that they are both into bee-keeping.
One asks the other:

"How many bees do you keep?"

etc etc


http://ukbouldering.com/board/index.php/topic,6086.msg148656.html#msg148656

 ;)

Good joke that although the version Craig told me years ago never involved social workers at a conference.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on May 27, 2008, 03:06:09 pm
I was going to make it 2 Chinese fur farmers, but decided that 2 social workers was more surreal.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on May 27, 2008, 03:41:52 pm
Bubba's mention of shampoo reminded me of an old one;

Two rabbits born and bred in a laboratory make an escape and head for the hills. The find a nice warren full of wild rabbit and settle in.

The one rabbit says to the other "this is great! Sunshine, all the food and water we want, our choice of lady rabbits, could it be better?"
The other rabbits says "Yeah, it's good, but I'm heading back to the lab"
"Why?" asks the first rabbit?
The other says "I'm gasping for a cigarette"


Short One;

Jesus went for a walk the other day. He got hit by a speedboat.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: jern on June 10, 2008, 10:23:46 am
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.

Watson replied: I see millions and millions of stars.

Holmes said: and what do you deduce from that?

Watson replied: Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, its quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.

And Holmes said: No, you dick, it means that somebody stole our tent.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on June 16, 2008, 12:52:21 pm
How Do You Spell Canada?
C eh? N eh? D eh?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: milksnake on June 24, 2008, 10:51:04 pm
whats pink 10 inches long and makes women cry and scream?










cot death.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on June 28, 2008, 06:01:09 pm
Go and find a corner of the world and wait until something resembles death, asshole!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on June 29, 2008, 05:05:33 pm
Why do women watch pr0no's to the end?












They're waiting for the wedding.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on July 06, 2008, 07:02:31 pm
two friends meet again in a park after many many years. while they're talking, the first man's wife walks there, and asks him if he wants an ice cream. the man says "yes my love" and she goes to get one. the friend asks "hey how long have you been married?" "twenty years now" is the answer.
"wow - says the friend - twenty years of marriage and you still call her 'my love'!!!"
and the man: "you know, i fucking forgot her name!!!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: milksnake on July 09, 2008, 04:33:45 pm
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a 20 note is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are 20 notes falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard borders on the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his pecker through the bushes, I say: 20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of 'em pays up!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on July 09, 2008, 04:57:28 pm
Nice one Milkshake, but I liked the cotdeath one better.   ;)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: milksnake on July 10, 2008, 10:39:48 pm
ok how about this one.
I was in a pub and told the following joke:

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked.

"No," replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: milksnake on July 10, 2008, 10:51:18 pm
or,
whats worse than 10 babies stapled to a tree?

1 baby stapled to 10 trees
 
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on July 11, 2008, 12:15:24 pm
Two welshmen are drunk and stumbling around Soho after visiting London to watch the rugby.

They get seperated, and the one guy staggers up to a prostitute and asks "Have you seen Evan?"

To which the prostitute lifts up her skirt and says "Darling, this is 'eaven"

The guy tries to focus, stares for a second and says "Nah, he's definitely a bigger cunt than that".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on July 11, 2008, 12:29:30 pm
Cliff Richard and Paul McCartney are out fishing at sea. Cliff turns to paul and says "Hey, you had a lucky escape with that Heather Mills didn't you Paul?!" to which Paul replies "That's none of your business Cliff so fuck off you botox soaked, white sock wearing, mincing, christian virgin, closet homo cunt."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: soapy on July 11, 2008, 12:33:38 pm
what's the difference between:

lady diana, princess of hearts


and


micheal hutchence?













..michael was wearing his belt
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on July 11, 2008, 01:09:28 pm
George Dubya Bush gets a coded text message from Osama Bin Laden containing the following message:

 - 3 7 0 H 5 5 V -

   - 0 7 7 3 H -

The president is stumped and refers the phone the National Security Agency, who can't make any sense of it so pass it to their top codebreakers. Still no-one can crack the code and decypher the message. In desperation the Americans seek help from the UK and pass the message on to MI6. A minute later they receive a response from MI6:

"tell the president he's holding the phone upsidedown".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grumpycrumpy on July 12, 2008, 09:09:14 am
A bloke goes into his doctors for a yearly check up . After about twenty minutes the doc comes back ' I'm sorry but I've got some bad news , you've got bubonic plague , leprosy and all the symptoms of early smallpox '...
'Shit , what can you do for me ?'
'Firstly I'm going to put you on a diet of pizza , pancakes and tortillas '......
'Pizza , pancakes and tortillas , will that help ?'
'No .... But it's the only food we'll be able to slide under the door '.....
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on July 16, 2008, 03:29:02 pm
One day God calls down to Noah and says,

'Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark'.

Noah replies, 'No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the guv...

But God interrupts, 'Ah, but there's a catch', this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other'..

'20 DECKS!', screams Noah. 'Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?'

'Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish', God answers.

'Fish?', queries Noah.

'Yep, fish, well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling Carp!'

Noah looks to the skies. 'OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, You want a New Ark?'

'Check'.

'With 20 decks, one on top of the other?'.

'Check'.

'And you want it full of Carp?'.

'Check'

'Why?' asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..........

'Dunno', says God, 'I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark''
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on July 16, 2008, 11:24:27 pm
Oh Yeah.. silly, but stupid.... just like me. droppin the dark shit. whats with the kiddie philesque brigade, gotta watch these computer freaks,,, they be spendin to long alone...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on July 18, 2008, 12:31:13 pm
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on July 18, 2008, 12:34:20 pm
A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on July 18, 2008, 12:38:05 pm
A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grumpycrumpy on July 19, 2008, 09:00:13 am
Every day for ten years a bunch of workmates have played dominoes at lunchtime , and every day for ten years the same bloke has won ...... Well the rest of them get heartily sick of this and after his latest victory they push him over a table , pull down his jeans and shreddies and shove the dominoes one by one up his poop chute ..... In total agony he runs through the factory to the medical centre , straight through the waiting room , past the recepetionist and into the doctor's surgery ..... The doctor looks up from the patient he's examining and says   ..... ' Don't you ever knock ?' ......     
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on July 22, 2008, 11:27:12 am
What do you call a fat prostitute in space?














A meaty whore
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: milksnake on July 23, 2008, 05:02:13 pm
A young boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulan Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"

A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth.

"What happened?", he asked.

"Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulan Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and they beat the crap out of me!"

"Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?"

"Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?"

"Oh!" replied the grandad. "The SS."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on July 25, 2008, 10:34:11 am
Top Notch.   :great:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on August 19, 2008, 10:48:09 pm
An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"

"What powerful rivers"

"What beautiful animals"

he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look.

He saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.

He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident."

"Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
 
The atheist looked directly into the light,

"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: jern on August 20, 2008, 10:04:58 am
Gary Glitter's been given a date for his release from jail.




She's 8, but with makeup looks about 12.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: milksnake on August 20, 2008, 07:48:32 pm
can anyone name a famous jewish baker?







A; Adolf Hitler.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: milksnake on August 20, 2008, 07:59:27 pm
What goes:
click "it is done yet?" click "is it done yet?" click "is it done yet?" click "is it done yet?" click "it is done yet?" click "is it done yet?" click "is it done yet?" click "is it done yet?"

David Blunkett doing a Rubiks Cube.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on September 05, 2008, 05:41:40 pm
recieved from Dancing John today...

A bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank. So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank. Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to the top. "Sh*t!" thinks our man, first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits, what am I going to do? He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything. Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the fence where it is devoured by the lions. He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! a lump of turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game. Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage - splat! goes another turd, and splat! another makes a direct hit. For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2 monkeys, killing them stone dead. "Sh*t and double sh*t!" thinks our man, look what I've done now, what am I going to do? So he thinks to himself, the lions worked last time maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they? He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs then over the fence where they are promptly devoured by the lions. Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks what wants doing next. Where he is told to collect the honey from the Amazonian killer bees. He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive when a bee stings him, then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he lashes out with the honey soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp. "Sh*t, Not Again!!!" he thinks and as you might have guessed the lions eat anything, so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where they are devoured by the lions. The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions. "Hello" he says. "Alright" say the other lions "What's it like here then?" asks the new lion "Not bad" say the other lions "Food ok?" enquires the new lion "Yeah, brilliant, yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on September 06, 2008, 10:37:24 am
can anyone name a famous jewish baker?







A; Adolf Hitler.

=)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on September 06, 2008, 04:51:11 pm
lagers - I VERY nearly puntered you for posting that shite joke. When John sent it to me I gave him some grief and deleted the fucker immediately.

 :spank:  ;)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on September 06, 2008, 05:03:10 pm
At the risk of being puntered myself, this is the best I've heard in a while......

Bloke calls directory enquiries and asks for the number for Mary Jones in Birmingham. Operator says "There are a lot of people with that name in the city sir, do you have a street name?" Bloke says "Well my mates sometimes call me Ice Man but what's that got to do with it?"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on September 07, 2008, 12:39:33 pm
Now that's magic.   ;D
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Zods Beard on September 07, 2008, 03:25:35 pm
Don't listen to those philistines lagers, thats a top joke, here'e a similar one.

Man walks into a restaurant, the waiter comes over and asks what will it be sir. The man replies squid please! So he goes to the tank to pick one. In the corner he spies one, hiding away, it seems a bit green, with a hairy lip, but because he feels sorry for it he decides to eat it. Very good sir says the waiter, and trots off the kitchen to have it cooked. But all the chefs refuse too cook it tho. Look how small he is, we can't do it they say, until only Hans the dishwasher is left. Sensing his moment he steps up with a knife, but one look in that sad, inky black eye, leaves him in tears. I can't do it he wails running back to the dishes. The waiter sighs, and returns to the customer. Sorry sir you will have to make another choice because Hans that does dishes is as soft as your face with a mild green hairy lipped squid.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on September 10, 2008, 04:25:44 pm
 :spank:  :wall: but also  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: rodma on September 11, 2008, 09:02:05 am
Don't listen to those philistines lagers, thats a top joke, here'e a similar one.

Man walks into a restaurant, the waiter comes over and asks what will it be sir. The man replies squid please! So he goes to the tank to pick one. In the corner he spies one, hiding away, it seems a bit green, with a hairy lip, but because he feels sorry for it he decides to eat it. Very good sir says the waiter, and trots off the kitchen to have it cooked. But all the chefs refuse too cook it tho. Look how small he is, we can't do it they say, until only Hans the dishwasher is left. Sensing his moment he steps up with a knife, but one look in that sad, inky black eye, leaves him in tears. I can't do it he wails running back to the dishes. The waiter sighs, and returns to the customer. Sorry sir you will have to make another choice because Hans that does dishes is as soft as your face with a mild green hairy lipped squid.

I think you may have forgotten that the chef was called "Gervais"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on September 12, 2008, 10:38:10 am
Houston is going to be renamed Tina Turner, as it's about to get a battering from Ike.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: fatneck on September 12, 2008, 09:52:16 pm
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Zods Beard on September 13, 2008, 08:27:35 pm

I think you may have forgotten that the chef was called "Gervais"

Que?

Anyway, Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are battling it out on the death star, lightsabers clashing, they come face to face, I know what your getting for christmas Luke, says Darth, Nooo screams Skywalker. They clash together again, Luke, I know what you getting for christmas, Nooo screams Skywalker again, as the Emperor cackles in the background. One last time they clash, and Vader repeats the same phrase, I know what your getting for christmas, Skywalker pushes him away, and says For fucks sake Darth, how do you know then? Vader replies...










I felt your presents.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: rodma on September 15, 2008, 01:45:15 pm

I think you may have forgotten that the chef was called "Gervais"

Que?


Sorry, should've explained. Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervais, etc.

I apologise in advance for the joke below, but it is one of my favourites

Did you hear the one about the gay ghosts?


















They gave each other the willies.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on September 15, 2008, 01:50:44 pm
I'm sure I have put it on here before, but anyway

A bloke goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I'm having serious troubles with my hearing"

Doctor says " OK, What are the symptoms?"

Bloke says " A yellow family in a cartoon?"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: milksnake on September 16, 2008, 02:55:58 pm
whats the difference between tampons and traffic wardens?


nothing, they're all stuck up cunts!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Kingy on September 28, 2008, 12:16:36 pm
One day a chip became really hungry and wandered into his local pub. He waited patiently by the bar while the barman served other customers. Sure enough, after a few minutes the barman asked the chip what he wanted. "I'll have a steak and ale pie with mashed potatoes please."


























"I'm sorry we don't serve food in here", replied the barman.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on September 28, 2008, 06:46:43 pm
Ugly bloke in a bar on his own as usual, and the barman says, "I haven't seen you in here in a while."
The bloke says, "no, I haven't been in, and I'll tell you why."
"A few weeks back I was walking down by the railway tracks and I found this girl tied to the railway lines. So I untied her and took her home. And... well, we had sex. It was amazing. In the bedroom, in the kitchen, anywhere. And it's been like that ever since. So you can understand why I haven't been in."
"Seems fair enough," says the barman, "Good for you, mate! So tell me about this girl then. Is she a looker?"
"I dunno," says the guy,
"I never found her head."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on October 02, 2008, 06:40:25 pm
The banking crisis has hit Japan.

Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank is having to trim some of its branches.
 
Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is reputedly going for a song.

Shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank are getting the chop.
 
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there are
expecting a raw deal.

On the bright side, Ninja Bank is still in the black.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on October 10, 2008, 08:22:55 pm
 :lol:

Hari-kari bank have just given up, I presume.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on October 13, 2008, 03:58:16 pm
Two scots are discussing one of them's upcoming wedding;

One says to the other - "I suppose you'll be in a kilt then?"

The other says "Aye"

The first one says "So what's the tartan?"

The other says "I think she's wearing a white dress of some sort".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on October 15, 2008, 05:07:33 pm
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: milksnake on November 12, 2008, 05:57:14 pm
whats the difference between jam and marmalade?


i cant marmalade my cock in you arse.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mike Tyson on November 13, 2008, 12:58:23 am
Two blokes sitting in a pub. One turns to the other and says ?I fucked your mum last night. She did everything a man could want, she was the dirtiest woman i have ever experienced? The other man replies ?You've had too much to drink, lets go home dad?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on November 13, 2008, 10:49:34 am
 :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on November 14, 2008, 02:11:37 pm
Doncaster girl writes to problem page "Dear Problem Page, I am a 10 year old girl from Doncaster but I'm still a virgin. Do you think my Dad's queer?"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Somebody's Fool on November 28, 2008, 10:44:06 am
How do you get an 80-year-old granny to say cunt?



Get another one to shout 'Bingo!'
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on December 05, 2008, 08:06:24 am
Brave Sir Flannelhead has a poor tournament.  He loses his best hat and his worthy steed.  Forced to stay with a not very close friend overnight, he muses on how he could get home tomorrow morn without a palfrey.
 
There's a dragging litter, used for bringing in firewood, but it wouldn't survive the rocky hill tops. There's a 2-wheel wagon, used for victuals, but his host can't spare the 2 pulling-men involved, and anyway the wagon would probably bottom in the marshy areas.
 
At the evening spread, Sir Flannelhead notices two great Irish wolfhounds asleep in front of the roaring fire.  "Could I borrow one of those to ride home on?"   

"Oh, No!" replied the host "I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on December 05, 2008, 02:46:50 pm
How do you cut cheese in Wales?



Caerphilly.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on December 05, 2008, 03:00:17 pm
Dave, that's bad.  Here's one for ya:

An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his medical. When the doctor is finished, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.

The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."

The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the fags."

The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."

The old woman responded, "Damn it, he's pissing in the fridge again!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on December 05, 2008, 03:02:03 pm
I think the Caerphilly joke is good.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on December 05, 2008, 08:41:11 pm

A Jelly baby goes to see the doctor with his willy covered in coconut and liquourice.  "What have you been doing?" asked the doctor.






The Jelly Baby replied "Fucking Allsorts"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: mrjonathanr on December 06, 2008, 01:55:23 am
little man walks into a biker's bar. Loud music, big bikers, scary atmosphere. Little man has a stentorian voice ...Points to the middle of the bar and shouts:
''OI!! ALL YOU ON THE LEFT-HAND SIDE OF THE BAR, YOU'RE BASTARDS!
AND ALL YOU ON THE RIGHT, YOU'RE WANKERS!''
Big hairy-arsed biker gets up, glowers and shouts back:
''Oi!! I'm no wanker''
He replies....






''RIGHT! OVER THE LEFT-HAND-SIDE OF THE BAR THEN''
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on December 18, 2008, 11:38:29 pm
I lost 5 kilos last week.





Fucking sniffer dogs.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on December 18, 2008, 11:45:47 pm
Three Australian builders were working on a high-rise project:  Steve, Bruce and Mick.
One day Steve falls to his death.  Bruce says to Mick, "Someone should tell his wife".  Mick says "I'm good at that touchy feely stuff, I'll tell her".

A couple of hours later, Mick turns up with a case of Fosters under his arm.  Bruce says, "Where'dya get that beer, Mick?".  Mick replies "Steve's wife gave me it".
"You mean to say you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you some beers?  That's unbelievable mate".
"Well, Not exactly mate" Says Mick.  "I knocked on the door, and when she opened it I said 'Ah, you must be Steve's widow'.  She says, 'no, I'm not a widow'."
"So I said, I bet you a crate of beer that you are!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on December 18, 2008, 11:55:41 pm
A man is sent to the mortuary, wearing an expensive black suit.  The undertaker speaks to the wife of the dead man, and says how good her husband looks in the suit.
The wife says her husband always looked best in blue.  "I don't care how much it costs, just get him dressed in a blue suit for the viewing".
 
The woman is back next day, and is delighted to see her husband dressed in a lovely blue suit which fits his body perfectly.  She asks the undertaker how much she owes him.  "No charge" he replies.  She presses him for how much she needs to pay.
"No, really.  i spent nothing.  You see, another deceased man came in wearing a blue suit and he was roughly your husband's build.  I asked his widow if she would mind him wearing a black suit for the viewing, and luckily she didn't mind as long as he looked good.  So I just switched the heads."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on December 19, 2008, 09:17:58 am
Been chatting to a 14 year old girl on the internet. She's funny, sexy and flirty. Now she tells me she's an undercover copper. How cool is that at her age!?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomrix on December 19, 2008, 03:27:38 pm
A group of doctors are being shown around a mental asylum renowned for there method of patient rehabilitation. They are taken to each room in turn and are amazed by what they find.

In the first room they found a young lady wearing a tutu and balancing on one leg. "What are you doing?" Asks one of the doctors.

"I'm practicing my ballet so when i get out of here i can become a prima ballerina and perform in front of thousands." The girl replies. Impressed, the doctors move on to the next room.

Here they find a man studying hard and taking notes from medical journals. "Whats that your reading?" Asks one of the doctors.

"It's a medical journal." Replies the man. "I'm going to train to be a doctor when i get out of here."

Room after room, patient after patient, the results were astonishing.

As the day was drawing to a close, there was one final room for the doctors to visit.

When they entered the room they were astonished to find a man with his di*k in a bowl of peanuts.

"What the hell are you doing?" exclaimed one of the doctors.

"I'm f**king nuts!!" replied the man. "I'm never going to get out of here!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on December 19, 2008, 03:32:55 pm
i think you accidentally hit Shift-8 when you were typing "fucking" and "dick" there.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: meatball on December 19, 2008, 04:15:40 pm
A banana and a vibrator are sitting on a table. The banana turns to the vibrator and says "I dont know what your shakin for, she's goin to fuckin eat me!!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: 205Chris on December 20, 2008, 09:12:54 pm
My mate always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened he was chuffed to bits.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Ferrito on December 20, 2008, 10:54:41 pm
Man runs into a washing machine....















........Bosch!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: 205Chris on December 21, 2008, 07:57:02 pm
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, the news is either bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on January 12, 2009, 11:00:10 am
Gorgeously detailed fine writing,
Deepest ocean blue ink,
Supple thick textured paper,
Crisp white envelope,
Lovingly stuck down and personally addressed to you.

This isn't just any P45.

This is a Marks and Spencers P45.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on January 14, 2009, 11:19:37 am
    A PRESIDENTAL CONFESSION

    I attacked and took over two countries.

    I spent the US surplus and bankrupted the US Treasury.

    I shattered the record for the biggest annual deficit in history (not
    easy).

    I set an economic record for the most personal bankruptcies filed in
    any 12 month period.

    I set all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the stock
    market.

    I am the first president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.

    In my first year in office I set the all-time record for most days on
    vacation by any president in US history (tough to beat my dad's, but I
    did).

    After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, I presided
    over the worst security failure in US history.

    I set the record for most campaign fund raising trips by any president
    in US history.

    In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.

    I cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any
    other president in US history.

    I set the all-time record for most real estate foreclosures in a 12-
    month period.

    I appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than
    any president in US history.

    I set the record for the fewest press conferences of any president,
    since the advent of TV.

    I signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than
    any other US president in history.

    I presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and refused to
    intervene when corruption was revealed.

    I cut health care benefits for war veterans.

    I set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously
    take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the
    record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.

    I dissolved more international treaties than any president in US in story.

    I've made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any in
    US history.

    Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US
    history. (The poorest multimillionaire, Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron
    oil tanker named after her.)

    I am the first president in US history to have all 50 states of the
    Union simultaneously struggle against bankruptcy.

    I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud in any market
    in any country in the history of the world.

    I am the first president in US history to order a US attack AND
    military occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the
    will of the United Nations and the vast majority of the international
    community.

    I have created the largest government department bureaucracy in the
    history of the United States, called the "Bureau of Homeland
    Security".

    I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending
    increases, more than any other president in US history (Reagan was
    tough to beat, but I did it).

    I am the first president in US history to compel the United Nations
    remove the US from the Human Rights Commission.

    I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations
    remove the US from the Elections Monitoring Board.

    I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of
    congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US
    history.

    I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.

    I withdrew from the World Court of Law.

    I refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by
    default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.

    I am the first president in US history to refuse United Nations
    election inspectors access during the 2002 US elections.

    I am the all-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate
    campaign donations.

    The biggest lifetime contributor to my campaign, who is also one of my
    best friends, presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy
    frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron
    Corporation).

    I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US
    history.

    I am the first president to run and hide when the US came under attack
    (and then lied, saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1).

    I am the first US president to establish a secret shadow government.

    I took the world's sympathy for the US after 9/11, and in less than a
    year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the
    biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).

    I am the first US president in history to have a majority of the
    people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to
    world peace and stability.

    I changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded
    government contracts.

    I set the all-time record for the number of administration appointees
    who violated US law by not selling their huge investments in
    corporations bidding for government contracts.

    I have removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than
    any other president in US history.

    I entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less
    than two years turned every single economic category heading straight
    down.

    **RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

    I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas
    driving record has been erased and is not available).

    I was AWOL from the National Guard and deserted the military during time
    of war.

    I refuse to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.

    All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away
    to my fathers library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public
    view.

    All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or
    bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public
    view.

    All minutes of meetings of any public corporation for which I served
    on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

    Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding
    public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public
    review.


    GEORGE W. BUSH The White House, Washington, DC

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on January 14, 2009, 12:00:07 pm
Nothing funny about that  :(
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on January 14, 2009, 12:02:58 pm
Indeed. That's no joke.  :guilty:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on January 14, 2009, 12:09:00 pm
 :oops: Couldn't think of any other thread to post it in and don't think the twat is worthy of thread of his own, even if it is to slate him.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on January 14, 2009, 12:54:41 pm
Al Fayed is hoping to sign Cristiano Ronaldo for Fulham. Not for his football skills, he wants him to teach his chauffeurs how to crash safely in a tunnel.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: CJ Whitaker on January 23, 2009, 06:51:40 pm
Two Irish men sat in a bar masturbating. The bar man walks over and says "What are you doing?


They pointed to the sign that said 'First come, first serve.' :shag:

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: cofe on January 23, 2009, 06:53:39 pm
a skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a mop.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: mrjonathanr on January 23, 2009, 09:15:55 pm


Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her.
An online joke which made me laugh. Nice work.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: CJ Whitaker on January 26, 2009, 06:43:10 pm
a teacher asks timmy why he brought his cat to school this morning he replied "i heard my dad say to my mum, when them kids leave the house i'm going to eat that fuckin pussy"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on February 23, 2009, 10:03:03 am
Saw Ron Jeremy filling his car with petrol the other day. I knew it was him because just the petrol tank was almost full, he pulled the nozzle out and sprayed a load of petrol all over the windscreen.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on February 23, 2009, 10:05:04 am
Why did the feminist cross the road?

To suck me off.


(I can't take credit for this joke)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on February 26, 2009, 12:08:01 pm
A big Scouser is sitting at the bar in the pub. A gay guy admiringly comes over and asks him "do want a blow job", so the Scouser beats the carp out of him.

The bar tender asks him "what did you do that for?"

The Scouser says "I thought he was asking me if I wanted a job?"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on March 03, 2009, 10:27:53 pm
The police have admitted wrongdoing after the killing of Jean Charles de Menesez.

It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: notbadforafatlad on March 04, 2009, 07:13:43 pm
How did the old fashioned Mathematician cure his constipation?






He worked it out using pencil and paper.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: robertostallioni on March 05, 2009, 04:00:42 pm
Alvin Martin, West Ham Defender of yesterday, to referee, awarding penalty against the Hammers- "What would happen if I called you a cunt?"

Referee - "Careful Alvin, I'd send you straight off."

Alvin - "What would happen if I just thought you were a cunt."

Referee - "Nothing. You can think what you like."

Alvin - "Right then. I think you are a cunt."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: notbadforafatlad on March 07, 2009, 07:21:35 am
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
 
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I am." replied the woman, "How did you know?"
 
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
 
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
 
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now somehow, it's my fucking fault."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: hairich on March 10, 2009, 03:37:40 pm
Has anyone seen Jade Goodys new calender

It only goes upto April.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on March 10, 2009, 04:53:14 pm
Only give her marriage to Jack Tweed another month...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on March 10, 2009, 04:55:17 pm
Not only does she look like a egg... she will be in a box by easter....
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on March 10, 2009, 04:56:07 pm
 :guilty:
Sorry God...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Johnny Brown on March 10, 2009, 08:25:12 pm
I wouldn't apologise, its the best proof we've had that prayers are occasionally answered.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on March 10, 2009, 09:36:07 pm
I was driving down the road and there was an american standing in the road, so I ran him over. I could have driven round him, but I wasn't sure I had enough fuel.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Falling Down on March 10, 2009, 09:40:16 pm
I once fell in love with a Dolphin.

We just clicked....
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on March 11, 2009, 09:03:36 am
Heard that joke on Radio 1 yesterday morning. Very good.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on March 12, 2009, 01:49:44 pm
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional
Italian she was still
a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's
house, she was very
nervous.
 
Her mother reassured her;
 
'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take care of
you.
 
Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
 
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his
shirt and exposed
his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and
says, 'Mama, Mama,
Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
 
'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all
good men have hairy chests. Go
upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
 
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony
took off his
pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs
to her mother.
'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got
hairy legs!'
 
'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs..
Tony's a good man Go upstairs
and he'll take good care of you.'
 
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off
his socks and on
his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw
this, she ran
downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a
half!'
 
Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on March 17, 2009, 01:35:29 pm
wife to husband ''dear, i think we've got serious communication problems''
husband to wife ''dear, i don't understand what you mean''
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on March 17, 2009, 05:19:17 pm
Scientists have discovered that diarrhoea is hereditary.

They have discovered it runs in your genes.



Sorry
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: chummer on March 17, 2009, 11:02:33 pm
Two peanuts were walking back from the pub late at night.

One was a salted.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on March 19, 2009, 12:16:33 pm
Atheism: A non-prophet organization.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on March 19, 2009, 12:29:42 pm
Maria had just gotten married, and being.................................

...............................blah blah ................................

'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a
half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'

Jasper thats a truly awful joke.... almost worth a puntering!
 :)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on March 19, 2009, 12:37:15 pm
I know. Just keeping up the general standard of the thread.  :)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on March 19, 2009, 01:03:07 pm
I thought it was funny when I first heard it, but then I was still in school. :)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on March 19, 2009, 01:11:00 pm
Don't go there. That Denis De Menezes joke is over three years old but you got away with it!  ;)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on March 19, 2009, 01:25:07 pm
3 years vs 20+?

(yes I know mine was "topical" but still).
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on March 19, 2009, 07:27:25 pm
Whats the smellyest thing on the planet?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on March 19, 2009, 07:40:27 pm
Whats the smellyest thing on the planet?

Uranus?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: robertostallioni on March 19, 2009, 09:25:53 pm
An anchovies fanny?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grumpycrumpy on March 19, 2009, 11:10:46 pm
The fanny of an anchovy that lives on uranus ?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on March 20, 2009, 06:41:37 am
Yeah, Or a dead Anchovies fanny living on Uranus...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on March 20, 2009, 02:42:05 pm
An Australian , an Irishman and a Scouser are in
a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his
own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is
driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the
Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness,
a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the
three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches
the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and
shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of
amazement:

"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.
It's a miracle!'"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking
him for the lager.

As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life
is completely gone! It's A Miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

"Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: widdop on March 21, 2009, 09:08:31 pm
Yeah, Or a dead Anchovies fanny living on Uranus...
you should go far with a mind like yours,
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: jordysi on March 26, 2009, 08:55:43 am
It's day 2 in Heaven and Jade Goody is up for eviction already!!!!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: TomP on March 27, 2009, 04:10:39 pm
As I joke, I just asked the girl next to me at work:
"Do you think I am more charismatic or magnetic"

She said:
"That's like asking if Hitler is more cute or sexy"

I didn't know what to say back to that!  :'(  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on March 30, 2009, 09:19:35 pm
That girl who sits next to you is fucking weird, confirmed. I reckon you should shave a hitler-tash in one day and go into work, see what she says...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: notbadforafatlad on April 01, 2009, 08:30:26 pm


My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.





"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on April 04, 2009, 02:20:45 pm
Stephen Hawking has a date!
His nurse gets him dressed, combs his hair, switches on his voice to barry white and give him fifty quid before putting him in a taxi...
she then has a nice bath, pours some wine and sits down to start watching a movie.
Theres a knock at the door...
still in her bath robe, she answers it to find poor old Stephen in a right old state...
his hair is in a mess, he has got a massive bump on his head and hiss glasses are smashed!
"what on earth happened Stephen" she asks


"she stood me up!....
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mike Tyson on April 04, 2009, 08:57:07 pm
I was reading in the paper today about a dwarf who got pickpocketed.

How the fuck could anybody stoop so low?!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Clart on April 06, 2009, 07:42:04 am
After being inspired by the Grand National I went out and bought a race horse called "My Face".
It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd scream "Come on My Face!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: robertostallioni on April 06, 2009, 11:56:30 am
For the jockey?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxVKtNkQAtw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxVKtNkQAtw)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mr Cat on April 06, 2009, 12:17:38 pm
A couple are driving home and run over a Badger. They get out and find its still alive but freezing cold. He says "put it between your legs to warm it up". She replies "but its all wet and it stinks". He says "well hold the Badger's fucking nose then!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Falling Down on April 09, 2009, 09:35:15 am
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to
the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of
his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career,
the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into
a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole
place goes wild..

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts - "No, no, play a jazz
chord, play a jazz chord...". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives
straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat
minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd go ballistic
with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the
little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord,
play a jazz chord!!!". Stevie is really pissed off now that this chap doesn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -
" OK smart a*s, you get up here and do it"..

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and
starts to sing............



"a jazz chord to say , I ruv you..."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on April 09, 2009, 09:57:31 am
whats black and screams?

stevie wonder answering the iron.



sorry.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on April 09, 2009, 10:25:46 am
Stevie Wonder was given a cheesegrater for christmas. Said it was the most painful book he ever read.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on April 28, 2009, 11:34:21 pm
99% of Americans think the Mexican Swine is a new McDonalds special.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mike Tyson on May 01, 2009, 02:54:47 pm
I went to the hospital this morning for my annual check up and the nurse says "your going to have to stop wanking" so I said "why!!??" and she said "I'm trying to examine you"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on May 01, 2009, 03:10:24 pm
Golt, this is a thread for jokes, not what you did today.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: mrjonathanr on May 01, 2009, 10:47:14 pm
ok, in the hope of revitalising this thread, one of Matt Saunders':
'   A little guy walks past a biker's bar, full of bikes in the parking area, blaring rock music etc etc
He walks in, points dead centre of the bar and shouts:
'OI! ALL YOU ON THE LEFT-HAND SIDE OF THE BAR, YOU'RE BASTARDS!
AND ALL YOU ON THE RIGHT-HAND SIDE OF THE BAR, YOU'RE WANKERS!!
At this a very large , scary, hairy-arsed biker gets up and proclaims..
'I'm no WANKER!!!'
So he replies..........














'RIGHT!OVER THE LEFT-HAND SIDE OF THE BAR THEN!'   '
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: marty on May 01, 2009, 10:52:42 pm
ok, in the hope of revitalising this thread, one of Matt Saunders':
'   A little guy walks past a biker's bar, full of bikes in the parking area, blaring rock music etc etc
He walks in, points dead centre of the bar and shouts:
'OI! ALL YOU ON THE LEFT-HAND SIDE OF THE BAR, YOU'RE BASTARDS!
AND ALL YOU ON THE RIGHT-HAND SIDE OF THE BAR, YOU'RE WANKERS!!
At this a very large , scary, hairy-arsed biker gets up and proclaims..
'I'm no WANKER!!!'
So he replies..........














'RIGHT!OVER THE LEFT-HAND SIDE OF THE BAR THEN!'   '

Would that be Matt Saunders who was kickaround in the peak in the mid 90's? Originally from Bristol?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: mrjonathanr on May 01, 2009, 10:56:31 pm

Matt's from the S-East, though haven't seen him for years. I guess it depends where you kick around, tho if it's Sheffield from early 90s on, you're right.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on May 01, 2009, 11:42:01 pm
Matt is still knockin' around Sheff; though since getting older, breaking his back, getting married and spending slightly less time with Joe Healey, he has mellowed somewhat.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: marty on May 01, 2009, 11:50:16 pm
Matt is still knockin' around Sheff; though since getting older, breaking his back, getting married and spending slightly less time with Joe Healey, he has mellowed somewhat.

IIRC we met in a student climbing comp in Paris circa '92. Got hideously drunk. Over-riding memory was going from party to party, with one dude was physically carried from flat-to-flat because he was unconcious. He ended up winning the comp. Japanese-french guy, who was killed couple of years later. Can't for the life of me remember his name.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: notbadforafatlad on May 02, 2009, 08:36:34 am
Fabien Mazuer?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on May 03, 2009, 07:48:47 pm
I thought I'd caught swine flu this morning, I wope up covered in rashers.

I phoned the NHS helpline but all I could hear was crackling.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Drew on May 03, 2009, 07:53:41 pm
I thought I'd caught swine flu this morning, I wope up covered in rashers.

I phoned the NHS helpline but all I could hear was crackling.

I hope you didn't hog the line.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Clart on May 04, 2009, 07:19:30 pm
I thought I'd caught swine flu this morning, I wope up covered in rashers.

I phoned the NHS helpline but all I could hear was crackling.

A liberal application of oinkment should help.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Zods Beard on May 04, 2009, 07:21:06 pm
I thought I'd caught swine flu this morning, I wope up covered in rashers.

I phoned the NHS helpline but all I could hear was crackling.

Stop telling porkies.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: marty on May 04, 2009, 10:38:12 pm
Fabien Mazuer?

That will be the guy.Different league compared with the rest of the competitors.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on May 04, 2009, 10:47:37 pm
I've heard lots of rumours about swine flu, none of them are kosher.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on May 04, 2009, 10:55:51 pm
I lost 5 kilos last week.

You wish.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: fatneck on May 05, 2009, 11:39:10 am
The makers of CSI have cancelled plans to do a Birkenhead special because nobody's got any teeth and they all have the same DNA.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on May 05, 2009, 02:24:49 pm
The makers of CSI have cancelled plans to do a Birkenhead special because nobody's got any teeth and they all have the same DNA.

 ;D  harsh.. but still  ;D
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on May 06, 2009, 10:53:22 am
The makers of CSI have cancelled plans to do a Birkenhead special because nobody's got any teeth and they all have the same DNA.

That one's been doing the rounds *substitute local scumbag area here*. I thought Scunthorpe was the most amusing / topical.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tommytwotone on May 07, 2009, 07:27:24 pm
Just heard Tim Vine on '4 Stands Up' on the way home - really funny puntastic routine.

Link here - skip to the last 10(ish) mins for him: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00k4g55/4_Stands_Up_Series_3_Episode_6/http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00k4g55/4_Stands_Up_Series_3_Episode_6/ (http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00k4g55/4_Stands_Up_Series_3_Episode_6/http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00k4g55/4_Stands_Up_Series_3_Episode_6/)

Someone just asked me if I could tell them the correct term for someone from Corsica, so I said 'Course I can'

My friend came up to me and told me he'd got The Plague - I said 'Don't give me that'...

My doctor told me I'd got hypochondria - 'not that as well' I said...

You get the picture.

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Dr T on May 07, 2009, 08:02:04 pm
Just heard Tim Vine on '4 Stands Up' on the way home - really funny puntastic routine.

velcro - what a rip off...

so funny 

:lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on May 12, 2009, 10:36:45 am
So Peter and Jordan have split up. Bet Harvey didn't see that one coming.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on May 14, 2009, 12:02:33 pm
Paedophiles eh?

If you ask me, they're fucking immature arseholes.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on May 14, 2009, 06:03:57 pm
So Peter and Jordan have split up. Bet Harvey didn't see that one coming.

 ;D That deserves a drum roll and cymbal crash Jasper.. (http://www.emotty.com/images/emoticons/587.png)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on May 15, 2009, 09:56:23 am
I've got about twenty more on the same subject but none are postable! I'm sure most of you have heard the Madonna one which was a personal favourite.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on May 16, 2009, 06:46:53 pm
well, now i can laugh on this:
yesterday i had to undergo an ecography, due to an infection i got some time ago.
i was pretty nervous and scared, so i was just laying there watching the roof. the doctor is a friend of my girlfriend, so she was also there, watching the eco screen.
at some point, just from nowhere, my girlfriens asks the doctor: "hey marco, what are those two black stains there?"
naturally i immediately had a heart attack and nearly died, luckily the doctor immediately pointed out that they were two big arteriae, seen from above, so they appeared like black rounded holes.
pretty funny uh?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Plattsy on May 19, 2009, 12:40:28 pm
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling
you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu. Ignore it ...
Its spam.

Sorry. sorry. sorry.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on June 11, 2009, 11:25:23 am
What have the Atlantic Ocean and the Conservatives got in common?













They both gained 200 seats last week!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on June 17, 2009, 02:41:11 pm
NEW CREDIT CARD ADVERT

 
New Miley Cyrus DVD: 15

Tub of Vaseline: 3

XL Box of Tissues: 2

The look of disgust on the cashiers face as you pay: Priceless
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on June 17, 2009, 02:42:34 pm
What have Man United and a high class prostitute got in common?

Both of them know how to make huge amounts of money by selling their cunts.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on June 19, 2009, 01:21:59 am
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?


























Look for the fresh prints!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on June 19, 2009, 01:47:24 am
 ???
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on June 19, 2009, 08:25:20 am
I like it.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on June 19, 2009, 08:49:04 am
???

Where were you in the early-mid 90's hOUD?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZ1NA7Mgzgw (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZ1NA7Mgzgw)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on June 22, 2009, 01:29:39 pm
--------MAY 2000-------

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan, Jim.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Zods Beard on June 22, 2009, 11:42:07 pm
Good to see Jim defending his sexuality with such vigour.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on July 06, 2009, 09:57:16 am
This (http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html) is similar to the guy who tried to pay an outstanding pill with a picture of a spider with seven legs.  :lol: :bow:

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on July 06, 2009, 10:08:15 am
???

Where were you in the early-mid 90's hOUD?



Ah ...   Duh ...   Sorry, I could never stomach that crass, trite program.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on July 06, 2009, 01:22:14 pm
This (http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html) is similar to the guy who tried to pay an outstanding pill with a picture of a spider with seven legs.  :lol: :bow:



 :lol: I like the way she just gives up in the end...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on July 08, 2009, 10:27:56 am
Yeah David Thorne is a genius.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on July 08, 2009, 03:33:01 pm
I really wish this were a joke (http://www.viceland.com/wp/2009/07/babes-of-the-bnp/), but I have a suspicion its 100% genuine  :thumbsdown:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on July 08, 2009, 03:44:45 pm
Should be called "Thicko mingers of the BNP".

Whatever happened to Jim G o' the SNP?   :-\
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on July 08, 2009, 03:52:11 pm
That's got to be a fucking joke.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: account_inactive on July 08, 2009, 03:56:38 pm
I think it could well be real.  Vice would have come up with something WAY more ridiculous if not

I love how that first hottie wanted to move to Spain, but send all of our immigrants home.  Good solid choices
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on July 08, 2009, 04:04:46 pm
My vote is that it's real.


I love how that first hottie wanted to move to Spain, but send all of our immigrants home.  Good solid choices

Yeah she's got it all worked out.

Quote from: misgiuded "hot" BNP minger
When I went to Lanzarote, I felt more English there than I do here, and thats no exaggeration.

That'll be because the English people there have integrated so well into Spanish society though wont it? Not that they've set up their own little bit of England of course cos from what you've said you'd be dead against that? Right?


Quote from: the same retarded cow

When people say the BNP is a fascist party, what do you think?
Fascist I dont understand that word.

Think of Nazi Germany, or 1930s Italy.
I cant even remember when that happened really, but Im against them anyway.

 :wall:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: account_inactive on July 08, 2009, 04:08:45 pm
I've just had to google Tinchy Stryder.  Does that make me old?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on July 08, 2009, 04:12:46 pm
Depends if you know who Al Jolson was.....
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on July 08, 2009, 04:14:51 pm
No Dylan, it means you have at minimum a reasonable taste in music.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on July 08, 2009, 04:50:47 pm
The worst is perhaps this...

Quote from: Really dumb bird further down the page
Vice : How old are you?
Helen 19. Wait, no, 18. 19 next month.

Vice : But would it be possible to maybe come to a compromise with a noble race like the Chinese? Perhaps keep them on as a sort of servant class?

Helen Yeah. I wouldnt mind them if they actually worked and didnt take all of our jobs, basically. I wouldnt mind them if they contributed something to this country.

How exactly do you think they are supposed to work without taking a job you dumb bint  :wall:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on July 08, 2009, 04:57:00 pm
Are you just copying the comments at the bottom of the page, Slackers?  :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on July 08, 2009, 05:13:21 pm
Are you just copying the comments at the bottom of the page, Slackers?  :lol:

 :-[
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on July 21, 2009, 01:12:58 pm
Some class articles from the Daily Mash (as befits such a bespoke publication)...

Not as Scared as we should be (http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/health/concern-grows-over-lack-of-panic-200907201915/)

Royal College of Mouthy, Teenage Skanks (http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/report-proposes-royal-college-of-mouthy%2c-teenage-skanks-200907211918/)

Backpacker found, smelling of prostitutes (http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/international/backpacker-to-explain-why-he-smells-of-prostitutes-200907151904/)

 :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on July 29, 2009, 06:35:13 pm
Was really upset when Micheal jacksons funeral was aired... whan his brothers were carring his coffin... i was gutted, thought Cool Runnings was on and I love that film!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on July 29, 2009, 09:58:12 pm
A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you !'

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on August 19, 2009, 02:41:59 pm
I hate my job...

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.







A young couple had just had great sex. When they were finished, she looked in the box of condoms, but there were only six left out of twelve, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."
Later, she then approached one of her Male friends, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he said.
"You mean you've actually wanked with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Clart on August 19, 2009, 04:03:14 pm
That Scooby Doo joke is genius!  :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on August 26, 2009, 07:26:35 pm
Deaf kid goes to the local disco... after busting his moves he approches the DJ and asks... "can you play disco bunny?", the DJ looks puzzled and replies that he has never heard of the song... "DISCO BUNNY, its really famouths", the DJ looks through his collection and shakes his head... "Disco Bunny,,, Cliff Richard", The DJ loses his rag and says, "how does it fucking go then, coz I never fucking heard it?" the boy starts to cry, and wimpers the song "Disco Bunny, How we don talk anymore!!!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on August 26, 2009, 07:34:43 pm
Deaf kid goes to the local disco... after busting his moves he approches the DJ and asks... "can you play disco bunny?", the DJ looks puzzled and replies that he has never heard of the song... "DISCO BUNNY, its really famouths", the DJ looks through his collection and shakes his head... "Disco Bunny,,, Cliff Richard", The DJ loses his rag and says, "how does it fucking go then, coz I never fucking heard it?" the boy starts to cry, and wimpers the song "Disco Bunny, How we don talk anymore!!!"

(http://i42.tinypic.com/2yoz4g0.gif)




That jokes so bad it made me chuckle at its sheer badness..  :)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Control freak on August 27, 2009, 07:12:23 am
Random quotes

- More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong.
- I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
- Have you ever been walking down the street and realised that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
- Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
- Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
- There is a great need for sarcasm font.
- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realise I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
- I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies".
- What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
- Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning that just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
- If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
- Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
- I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
- When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
- I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
- Why is a school zone 25 km/h? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for paedophiles...
- As a driver I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
- My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
- I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
- The other night I ordered take away and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: milksnake on August 27, 2009, 05:34:05 pm
Hedgehogs, why can't they just share?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on August 27, 2009, 07:13:43 pm
Hedgehogs, why can't they just share?

Why not stick the other runners up too?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on August 27, 2009, 10:14:31 pm
The athlete who had the gender test - Caster Semenya - her name is an anagram of "Yes A Secret Man"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on September 02, 2009, 12:40:28 pm
This is shit, but still funny..........

http://channelbee.com/comedy/show/video/606 (http://channelbee.com/comedy/show/video/606)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on September 07, 2009, 05:25:17 pm
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"



I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tommytwotone on September 07, 2009, 06:39:29 pm
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"



I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"

Quality - I'm doing a best man's speech in a few weeks and so wish I could get away with using that!

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Will Hunt on September 07, 2009, 11:11:30 pm
Jasper. Words escape me.  :thumbsdown: :off:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: notbadforafatlad on September 12, 2009, 04:06:13 pm
Paris Hilton walks into the Dry Cleaners. She hands her laundry over and the lady behind the counter says "Thanks, Come again."
Paris replies "No, just toothpaste this time."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on September 13, 2009, 09:33:13 pm
May be the wrong thread..  :shrug:
(http://web4.twitpic.com/img/29594425-460ce085a86893291ac16724ef3b2e50.4aad562e-full.jpg) (http://twitpic.com/hmb7d)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on September 15, 2009, 11:24:24 pm
Next time your on a train i dare you to do this!




1- Remove your lap top from its bag

2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully

3- Turn on

4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching

5- Turn on the Internet

6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer

7- Take a deep breath and open this site:
http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html (http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html)

8-Observe the facial expression of your neighboring passenger


 :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on September 25, 2009, 03:18:08 pm
Keith Floyd is due to be cremated tomorrow...gas mark 6 for three hours.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on October 06, 2009, 03:13:05 pm
Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge (apparently best joke at Edinburgh Festival).

In what Scottish county are you if it is very difficult to move?  In Ayrshire

(sorry I know it's terrible).
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grumpycrumpy on October 11, 2009, 08:07:08 pm
What do you call a man with no shins ? ....


Tony .....
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on October 11, 2009, 08:39:36 pm
Next time your on a train i dare you to do this!




1- Remove your lap top from its bag

2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully

3- Turn on

4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching

5- Turn on the Internet

6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer

7- Take a deep breath and open this site:
http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html (http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html)

8-Observe the facial expression of your neighboring passenger


 :lol:

only just seen this, its well Menezes.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: namnok on October 14, 2009, 08:11:06 am
A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet.
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.
Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.
How come you are sweating? he asks.
The parrot replies, Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on October 14, 2009, 02:43:33 pm
What's pink and goes round and round on a carousel? Stephen Gately's suitcase.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on October 16, 2009, 04:08:58 pm
Went with a bird last night who had eczema......








....she had cracking tits!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: jern on October 16, 2009, 05:17:18 pm
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder. "You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Japanse man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

"So...you not Nissan Main Dealer?"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Fex wazner on October 18, 2009, 06:00:48 pm
Whats black and got 8 legs?







the Jackson 5
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on October 18, 2009, 08:49:15 pm
Whats black and got 8 legs?







the Jackson 5 4
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on October 21, 2009, 01:55:44 pm
What did the hungry clock do?











Go back four seconds  :P
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on October 21, 2009, 02:17:18 pm
Terrible.

Reminds me of the scarecrow who has been nominated for the Nobel Prize. He was always out standing in his field.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on October 23, 2009, 12:46:19 am
Reminds me of the scarecrow who has been nominated for the Nobel Prize. He was always out standing in his field.

 :lol:

It's going to be a great Christmas party in Heaven this year.....

Stephen Gatley is going to sing,

Patrick Swayze is going to dance,

Keith Floyd is preparing the food,

and Michael Jackson is minding the kids
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on October 24, 2009, 05:45:49 pm
Why do the french never eat more than one egg at a time?




Because one egg is un oeuf
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Houdini on October 25, 2009, 08:24:56 am
Slackers, I fird heard that joke in an episode of Grange Hill.




To the Naughty Step w/ you!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on October 25, 2009, 08:31:37 am
 ;D

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: cofe on October 29, 2009, 01:43:33 pm
-Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock.

-Who's there?

-Tony the spider.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on November 03, 2009, 02:37:44 pm
Apparently people are starting to share cars more, and as a result there are some nasty fungal foot infections being transferred around.

Doctors are referring to it as Carpool Toenail Syndrome.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: cofe on November 04, 2009, 12:12:16 pm
(pinched from adam and joe)

- Can you recommend me a guitarist who could make me a yeast-based snack?


- No, but Johnny Marr might?


Boom boom.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on November 04, 2009, 12:15:46 pm
Who is the coolest person in the hospital?

The ultra sound guy (nicked from R1).
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: chillax on November 04, 2009, 11:28:59 pm
Who was the coolest person in the hospital after the ultra sound guy got the sack?

The hip replacement guy.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on November 06, 2009, 12:57:24 pm
what's india's spiciest bird of prey?


the mulligatawny owl.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on November 12, 2009, 12:02:58 pm
Why did god create yeast infections?




So women can know what it's like to live with an annoying cunt.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on November 20, 2009, 11:59:48 am
So it looks like it's a musicians vs actors contest this year.

First was Michael Jacskon 1-0 to singers
Then Patrick Swayze pulled it back to 1 all
Next the actors dropped behind with Stephen Gately making it 2-1
And now it's Edward Woodward, he's the equalizer.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on November 23, 2009, 01:53:06 pm
What does Katie Price put in insect bites?

Tomato Ketchup




(groan)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on November 23, 2009, 02:19:54 pm
? ? Don't get it.

If this is some reference to celebrity jungle I will have to smite you.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on November 23, 2009, 02:38:07 pm
? ? Don't get it.

If this is some reference to celebrity jungle I will have to smite you.

Its bad - referring to Price having to eat so many insects (bites referring to snacks I guess..).

I shall self smite....  :spank:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Tris on November 23, 2009, 02:44:24 pm
Its bad - referring to Price having to eat so many insects (bites referring to snacks I guess..).
It's bad when you have to explain the joke.... now you have explained it, I still don't get it  ;D

I am forced to watch the show by the missus, it is funny watching her eat insects though - 1 week later and she finally clicked 'I think the public might hate me'

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: robertostallioni on November 23, 2009, 02:50:40 pm
I am forced to watch the show by the missus, it is funny watching her eat insects though - 1 week later and she finally clicked 'I think the public might hate me'
Why does your Mrs eat insects? Why may the public hate her?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on November 23, 2009, 02:54:03 pm
Shouldn't it have been "on" instead of "in" as well?

That's gotta be the worst joke of the thread so far!  :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Tris on November 23, 2009, 02:57:03 pm
I am forced to watch the show by the missus, it is funny watching her eat insects though - 1 week later and she finally clicked 'I think the public might hate me'
Why does your Mrs eat insects? Why may the public hate her?
:lol: I keep telling her the camera crew is round the Osbourne's and nobody is watching, but she insists on eating them - she says if they're good enough for that slapper Jordan, they're good enough for her...

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on November 23, 2009, 02:59:25 pm
I am forced to watch the show by the missus, it is funny watching her eat insects though - 1 week later and she finally clicked 'I think the public might hate me'
Why does your Mrs eat insects? Why may the public hate her?

I suspect Tris is actually Peter Andre.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on November 23, 2009, 03:05:55 pm
I heard a soundbite of Peter Andre backing the BBC's anti-bullying campaign the other day. How I laughed.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Tris on November 23, 2009, 03:09:40 pm
I heard a soundbite of Peter Andre backing the BBC's anti-bullying campaign the other day. How I laughed.
I wonder if he was bullied himself?

(http://www.bigpicturesprintstore.com/image/jordan-and-peter-andre-at-gay-astoria_382141.jpg)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on November 23, 2009, 03:16:21 pm
Shouldn't it have been "on" instead of "in" as well?

That's gotta be the worst joke of the thread so far!  :lol:

(http://www.iconeasy.com/icon/thumbnails/Emoticon/Shiny%20Smiley/Shame%20Icon.jpg)  I'll get me coat....
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on November 23, 2009, 03:22:19 pm
I wonder if he was bullied himself?

Have you ever heard the way his (ex)wife talks to him? I couldn't believe that the second most downtrodden man on the planet was actually dishing out advice on how to "bully proof" yourself!

(http://www.iconeasy.com/icon/thumbnails/Emoticon/Shiny%20Smiley/Shame%20Icon.jpg)  I'll get me coat....

The combination of terrible joke/even worse subject matter/getting it wrong/having to explain it etc actually made it fucking funny.

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Tris on November 27, 2009, 02:45:17 pm
A man goes to the zoo.

There was only a dog there.

It was a shitzu.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on November 30, 2009, 03:56:10 pm
This is hilarious (http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/comedy/2009/11/robin-cooper-week.shtml).

Think the TV shows will be worth checking out too  :lol:

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on November 30, 2009, 04:13:24 pm
The Timewaster Letters book is amazing. We went to see a lecture by Robert Popper at The Showroom once which was really good. He signed my mate's programme thing (written by Robin Cooper) with a personalised Parmaynu. Top bloke.

http://www.robincooper.co.uk/contents.php (http://www.robincooper.co.uk/contents.php)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on November 30, 2009, 04:25:20 pm
The Timewaster Letters book is amazing.

First one is brilliant, second one is not as good, but still really funny.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on November 30, 2009, 04:31:14 pm
I kind of tired of reading them though, went and wrote some of my own instead so they were at least inspirational.  :P
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Clart on November 30, 2009, 04:32:09 pm
A man goes to the zoo.

There was only a dog there.

It was a shitzu.

That is comedy genius!

Here's another that I saw somewhere (possibly here?):


A friend of mine has a dog called Minton who has a thing about eating shuttle cocks,

Bad Minton!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Tris on November 30, 2009, 05:19:13 pm

That is comedy genius!

Here's another that I saw somewhere (possibly here?):


A friend of mine has a dog called Minton who has a thing about eating shuttle cocks,

Bad Minton!
:lol: short jokes are the best I think.

Have you seen Jimmy Carr's 'Telling Jokes' DVD?

3 word joke:

'Stationery Store Moves'

2 word joke:

'Dwarf shortage'
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: nash1 on December 01, 2009, 01:56:21 pm
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldnt decide between a wood and an iron.

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Tris on December 04, 2009, 08:57:00 am
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Tris on December 04, 2009, 08:57:39 am
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on December 04, 2009, 08:59:37 am
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

But if you did it in Egypt and claimed you didn't, you'd be in da Nile.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Tris on December 04, 2009, 09:00:17 am
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on December 08, 2009, 08:14:41 am
A Rasta man goes to the bank with a 25 kg bag of marijuana and hands it over
to the cashier...

Shocked, the cashier asks.."Whats this for?"...

The Rastaman replies..."Me here to open a joint account"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Tris on December 08, 2009, 11:47:32 am
That sounds like it would be a massive bag (25kg)  ;D
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: namnok on December 08, 2009, 02:03:04 pm
trawling thru old emails and found this (http://www.glastonbridge.co.uk/img/lbam.png)

i found it funny
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Tris on December 08, 2009, 05:00:46 pm
Exam Answers (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1229099/Revealed-The-student-howlers-dumbed-exams-pupils.html)

(http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/11/18/article-0-07457E6E000005DC-602_468x201.jpg)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: namnok on December 08, 2009, 09:17:53 pm
Exam Answers (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1229099/Revealed-The-student-howlers-dumbed-exams-pupils.html)

(http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/11/18/article-1229099-07457C29000005DC-4_468x257.jpg)

(http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/11/18/article-1229099-07457C20000005DC-946_468x227.jpg)
brilliant
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on December 18, 2009, 10:15:07 am
overheard the other day in the gym.
in africa a boy asks his father: daddy, can i play with your cock?
and the father: yes, but don't go far.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on December 18, 2009, 10:19:45 am
I know that somewhere, out there, my old dad is looking down on us.

He isn't dead, just very condescending.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on December 18, 2009, 10:21:56 am
Jimmy Carr?

EDIT - No, Jack Whitehall and it Robbie Williams telling it at the Electric Proms that I'd heard.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on December 18, 2009, 10:31:33 am
Jack Whitehall originally.

I didn't watch Robbie Williams at the Electric Proms, so will have to take your word on that one!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on December 18, 2009, 10:50:21 am
Me neither. They played the clip (of the joke) on the radio. Thought it was too funny for him!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: JohnM on December 18, 2009, 12:27:45 pm
What's the difference between Father Christmas and Tiger Woods?

Father Christmas stops at three ho's!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on December 18, 2009, 12:35:57 pm
Me neither.

No need to deny it, you are amongst friends here. First step to curing you of robbieism is for you to admit you are are robbieholic.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tommytwotone on December 20, 2009, 04:32:55 pm
Couple from yesterday's Guardian cracker jokes special....

Q) What's Tiger Woods' wife getting for Xmas?

A) Half of everything.

Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar Or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.

Q) What's short, furry and very dangerous?

A) Sex with a bear.


Title: Re: only joking
Post by: benpritch on December 21, 2009, 09:05:46 am
What's the difference between a Tarka Dahl and a normal Dahl?









Tarka's a little 'otter.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Clart on February 08, 2010, 02:28:03 pm
Why men don't write agony aunt columns:

Dear Walter:

         I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work
         leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I
         hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked
         out and the car shuddered to a halt.

         I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
         couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour
         lady making mad passionate love to her.

         I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve
         years.

         When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into
         the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue
         but found her unconscious.  He'd carried the woman back to our
         house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she
         immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was
         attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him
         why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and
         admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six
         months.

         I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his
         job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly
         depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I
         gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I
         don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

         Can you please help?

         Sincerely,
         Mrs. Sheila Usk


 Dear Sheila:

         A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused
         by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that
         there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the
         jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold.
         If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that
         the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to
         the carburettor float chamber.

         I hope this helps.

         Walter
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on February 08, 2010, 05:50:20 pm


[At the risk of repeating someone else, I'm not trawling through 20-odd pages.]

There's three old women in a bar, sat in the snug and they're talking about their husbands.

The first says, "mine's like a peacock, he's always got to be sharply dressed, and he's always got to be seen to be sharply dressed. Parading and preening himself all the time"

The second says, "huh. Mine's like a bantam cock. He's always spoiling for a fight, and he's always willing to let his fists do his talking first."

And the third says, "mine's like a thrush".


And the other two say, "eh? What do you mean?"

"Well", she said. "He's such an irritating cunt".

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on February 09, 2010, 08:04:03 am
A Donny man guz to' vet.

'e sez to' vet: "There's summat wrong wi' me cat"

Vet sez: "Is it a tom?"

Donny Man sez: "No, ah've browt it wi' me."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: mrjonathanr on February 09, 2010, 11:22:20 pm
un frances esta esperando el tren en la estacion. Pasa otro tren, un intercity muy rapido, y el viento que causa por su rapidez hace subir la falda de una mujer joven y muy guapa que esta a unos pasos de el en el mismo anden. Al ver subir la falda (y todo que cubria) el  frances dice al pasajero a su lado, con una sonrisa ligera,
- C'est lavie! Ah, c'est la vie!
El espanol responde
-Yo tambien la vi, pero no hay que decirlo, cono!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: namnok on February 12, 2010, 09:45:05 am
just driving my new toyota prius.

chat later can't stop!  :o
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: cowboyhat on February 16, 2010, 06:30:29 pm
So JT was sleeping with Wayne Bridge's girl.

Poor old Wayne - he wasn't even first choice with his missus.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on February 22, 2010, 12:58:50 pm
From @VizTopTips

Watching the one you love whilst they sleep is very romantic. But remember not to drop your binoculars.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Somebody's Fool on February 22, 2010, 06:57:11 pm
On a Top Tip tip...

Employers. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately throwing half the CVs you receive in the bin.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on March 03, 2010, 07:05:22 pm
Yorkshire man takes his cat to the Vet

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."




A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grumpycrumpy on March 03, 2010, 07:34:08 pm
You can always tell a Yorkshireman .....


But you can't tell him much ......
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on March 03, 2010, 09:47:50 pm
You can always tell a Yorkshireman .....


But you can't tell him how much ......

 ;)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on March 04, 2010, 10:23:55 am
Those yorkshire ones remind of the old NTNOCN (?)  Swedish Chemist Joke (I won't do the accent)

"I would like to buy some deodorant please"

"Would you like ball or aerosol"

"Neither, I want it for my armpits"

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on March 05, 2010, 09:36:07 pm
You can always tell a Yorkshireman .....


But you can't tell him much ......


I think you'll find it's "but he won't listen"

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grumpycrumpy on March 06, 2010, 09:28:18 am
You can always tell a Yorkshireman .....


But you can't tell him much ......


I think you'll find it's "but he won't listen"

I presume you're from Yorkshire , Alice .....
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: fatdoc on March 06, 2010, 03:00:04 pm
throw the pile down the stairs...

those that dont get to bottom get binned.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on April 13, 2010, 11:51:35 am
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.  Since they get chips from many difference casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings...

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby fanciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.






This is done by the chip monks.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on April 16, 2010, 02:59:28 pm
What's the difference between Ginger pussy and a cricket ball?

If you try hard, really hard... You can eat a cricket ball!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on April 19, 2010, 03:00:06 pm
What's the difference between an Icelandic Volcano and Cheryl Cole?

The volcano is still blowing ash.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: reeve on April 19, 2010, 09:38:02 pm
I got hit on the head by a tub of ice cream, a ready meal and some frozen chicken drum sticks just now. Must be the fall out from iceland.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on April 19, 2010, 09:48:35 pm
We should be gratefull for the Volcano!, its done more for immigration than in the last week than any party ever could!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on April 19, 2010, 10:03:33 pm
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Bubba on April 19, 2010, 10:22:04 pm
Anarchists, surely?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on April 19, 2010, 10:25:13 pm
Blame the Stella.  Apologies to Proudhon.   :-[
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on April 21, 2010, 11:07:06 pm
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."   The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"  "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the  vet.   "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.  He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.   The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.   "150!" she cried, "150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been 20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now 150."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: cofe on April 22, 2010, 09:39:11 am
a mate asked me the other day: 'what's your pet hate?'

i said: 'it doesn't really like having stuff shoved up its arse'
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jim on April 22, 2010, 10:03:59 am
this isn't the confessions thread you know Ken
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: butters on May 24, 2010, 11:54:54 am
I stole a rabbit from the pet shop yesterday.

I don't know if I should make a run for it or not.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Will Hunt on June 04, 2010, 12:10:16 am
My girlfriend's got a new job. Its hard to say what it is.

She sells sea shells on the sea shore.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on June 16, 2010, 09:21:31 am
I had a wank in the lift the other day.

It was wrong on so many levels !!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on June 25, 2010, 10:40:56 am
I got beaten up the other day by three massive dudes.... I managed to knock one out!!!









Not the best time for a wank, but worth seeing the look on their faces!!!!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mike Tyson on June 25, 2010, 10:56:40 am
This morning i went down to the England training camp. I couldn't believe my eyes when i got there. Emile Heskey was standing with the coach hitting volley after volley in to the net.





Yup, he's fucking shit at Tennis too.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on June 25, 2010, 10:59:46 am
 :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mike Tyson on June 25, 2010, 12:36:01 pm
After Nigeria were eliminated from the world cup The Nigerian goalkeeper has personally offered to refund back all the money to fans that travelled to watch them play at South Africa 2010. He said he just needs their bank account details to complete the transaction....
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mike Tyson on June 25, 2010, 12:39:32 pm
A guy is driving around Dublin and he sees a sign in front of a house:

'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell and the owner tells him the
dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.
'Yes,' the Lab replies.

'So, what's the story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda
about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no-one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable
spies for eight years running.'

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in.'

'I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed.He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

'Ten euro,' the man says.

'Ten euro? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
so cheaply?'


'B'Jesus' says the owner 'Because he's a feckin' liar. He never did any of that shite.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on June 25, 2010, 01:01:53 pm
http://ukbouldering.com/board/index.php/topic,6416.msg133517.html#msg133517 (http://ukbouldering.com/board/index.php/topic,6416.msg133517.html#msg133517)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mike Tyson on June 25, 2010, 01:15:30 pm
 :-[ My bad!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on June 25, 2010, 01:19:16 pm
Easy to do when the thread's 22 pages long word.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on June 28, 2010, 09:16:31 am
I went to a charity football game for stroke victims the other day.




I've never seen such a one-sided match.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: BB on June 28, 2010, 01:47:57 pm
David Blane is apparently gutted that Wayne Rooney has broken his record for the most time spent in a box doing nothing.

Wait, there's more...

What's the difference between Viagra and the England football team?

As least with viagra you're guranteed a semi.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on July 02, 2010, 02:46:47 pm
From a teacher friend (who wants to remain anonymous)

"Year 8 joke: what do Madeline McCaan and the French Navy have in common? Both are full of seamen and at the bottom of the sea!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on July 02, 2010, 03:05:40 pm
Surely that's meant to refer to submarines?  Be a pretty shit fleet if all vessels were at the bottom of the sea.


(http://thefloat.typepad.com/the_float/images/2008/07/21/new_yorker_fewer_cartoon.gif)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: robertostallioni on July 02, 2010, 03:10:35 pm
Quote

" what do Submarines and the French Navy have in common? Both are full of seamen and at the bottom of the sea!"

Well it works, but it's not very funny now Gareth.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on July 02, 2010, 03:13:07 pm
Bit like the old one about a whale's cock and a submarine.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on July 02, 2010, 04:45:41 pm
They were only year 8 - however old that is!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on July 02, 2010, 04:49:27 pm
They were only year 8 - however old that is!

On average one year older than year 7 and one year younger than year 9.  :P
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on July 02, 2010, 04:51:46 pm
They were only year 8 - however old that is!

So they are old enough to know all about paedophilic rape and murder, but not about submarines?  Is this a Scunthorpe joke?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on July 02, 2010, 07:17:12 pm
They were only year 8 - however old that is!

So they are old enough to know all about paedophilic rape and murder, but not about submarines?  Is this a Scunthorpe joke?

Close - the school is in Hull...

Year 8 is 12-13 year olds...   :google:

Surely that's meant to refer to submarines?  Be a pretty shit fleet if all vessels were at the bottom of the sea.

I think thats why they are referring to the 'french' navy rather than British... implying that the french navy are shit and all sunk etc... rather than being submariners.

  :P and  :wall:  to you all in equal measure, and  :P and  :wall: to myself for replying!!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Johnny Brown on July 14, 2010, 12:39:44 pm
A horse goes up to Sophie Ellis Bextor in a bar: "Why the round face?"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on July 14, 2010, 12:43:07 pm
(http://blog.beliefnet.com/ourladyofweightloss/dog%20arse%20hurst%20easter.jpg)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on July 15, 2010, 10:04:45 am
There's a new whisky on the market, it's 60% proof and blows your head off.

They've called it the Raoul Malt.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on July 23, 2010, 03:41:09 pm
What do you call a hot gir with two cunts

















N-Dubz
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on July 27, 2010, 07:20:59 pm
You are what you eat

(http://img829.imageshack.us/img829/9529/att000041.jpg)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on July 28, 2010, 11:02:15 am
What do you call a hot gir with two cunts

















N-Dubz

The trouble with that joke is that the gir(l) is a total cunt too.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on July 28, 2010, 11:43:04 am
Thanks for the post joke analysis Mr Logic.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Durbs on July 28, 2010, 02:49:59 pm
A lot like the older version from mid-90s

Q: What do you call a dog with 5 dicks?



A: Mariah Carey & Westlife.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on July 28, 2010, 03:02:27 pm
A lot like the older version from mid-90s

Q: What do you call a dog with 5 dicks?



A: Mariah Carey & Westlife.

or Lulu & Take That.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grumpycrumpy on July 29, 2010, 09:06:57 am
A husband and wife are filling in a questionaire in Hello magazine to find out if , after all their years together , they're still compatible ..... Their answers are fairly similar , until they come to a question which asks ' Have you ever urinated whilst taking a shower ? ' ........ The wife immediately ticks no ...... The husband ticks yes ......

'You've urinated in the shower ? ' ......
'Yes dear , but it was an accident , sometimes a bit of piss leaks out whilst I'm having a shit ' ...... 
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mike Tyson on July 29, 2010, 11:54:21 am
I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.

After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.

She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."

I said, "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the other."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on July 29, 2010, 12:10:22 pm
I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.

After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.

She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."

I said, "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the other."

Thats what you should have done  ;)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on July 29, 2010, 12:10:43 pm
Bloke goes into a pub and there's a horse serving behind the bar and chatting to the customers.

The bloke stands there looking gobsmacked and the horse says, "What's up mate? Have you never seen a horse pulling pints before?"

Bloke says, "It's not that, it's just I never thought the parrot would sell up."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mike Tyson on July 29, 2010, 12:23:34 pm
I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.

After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.

She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."

I said, "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the other."

 :lol:
Thats what you should have done  ;)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Moo on July 29, 2010, 04:37:22 pm
just finshed a stint working in scotland with a few glaswegian neds, they had a belter of a chat up line

roses are red
violets are blue
i've got a knife
now get in the fucking van
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SpanishJuan on August 14, 2010, 12:17:20 am
 I was trecking through the jungle when i came across a pygmy standing next to a dead elephant. I asked him what had happened and he said that he had killed it with his club. I said to him that he must have had a big club? In which he replied "yes, there are about fifty of us in it."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on August 14, 2010, 10:23:02 am
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: 205Chris on August 15, 2010, 07:22:42 pm
What's the difference between Futurama and JLS?

There's only one bender in Futurama.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: john horscroft on August 16, 2010, 11:18:01 am
Emo Philips jokes, love 'em...

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon....
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on August 17, 2010, 05:00:51 am
Emo was Genius!
"I love going to the park, all the kids running round... Screaming and shouting. They dont know its not loaded!!!"
Elephat and Club one is well tickle...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on August 17, 2010, 09:12:00 am
So true

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!"
One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: john horscroft on August 17, 2010, 09:43:51 am
And my personal favourite:

My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: john horscroft on August 17, 2010, 09:55:40 am
The greatest religious joke of all time:

http://www.emophilips.com/video/video/244 (http://www.emophilips.com/video/video/244)

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on August 17, 2010, 10:04:55 am
Apparently.

I prefer; Did you hear what happened to Jesus? He went for a walk and got hit by a speedboat.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on August 17, 2010, 11:26:48 am
There's been some controversy about Keith Chegwin passing off other people's jokes as his own on Twitter. Storm in a teacup if you ask me but as I was saying to aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB the other day it did spawn some amusing "jokes Cheggers can't steal" the best of which was:

What's black & white & red all over?






Keith Chegwin is a fucking cunt.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: luckyjez on August 18, 2010, 01:13:03 pm
I went to an Indian restaurant called "A Taste of the Raj" last night.
The waiters beat me with sticks and made me build a complicated railway system.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Drew on August 23, 2010, 08:49:47 am
Apparently, the top ten jokes (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202) from the Fringe:

1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8) Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on September 08, 2010, 02:33:07 pm
A farmer in Barnsley (http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/politics/elections/article6458595.ece) catches a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts,

"Eh-up cock, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watter from theer.....its full o hoss piss an cow shite."

The bloke says, " I am not from this country, can you speak a bit slower please?"

"Ok" the farmer replies, "I said if you use two hands my friend you'll drink it quicker."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Clart on September 08, 2010, 06:35:33 pm
I asked the missus to give me a Chilean Miner last night.

"What's that?", she asked

"Well", I said, "I want you to go down to the end of my shaft and stay there 'til Christmas".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: soapy on September 08, 2010, 07:11:37 pm
..josef fritzel's being flown to chile.


apparently he has invaluable experience in keeping minors alive underground
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on September 10, 2010, 10:14:45 pm
Q. What do you call a woman with two cunts?
A. N-Dubz
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on September 11, 2010, 10:17:13 am
(http://img839.imageshack.us/img839/8947/image1on.jpg)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on September 13, 2010, 05:38:50 pm
There's two fish on a parrot, and one says to the other:

Does this taste funny to you?

So the other one says:

Just eat your chips then!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Will Hunt on September 14, 2010, 04:34:06 pm
Two parrots sitting on a perch. One asks, "Can you smell fish?"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: butters on September 14, 2010, 05:36:26 pm
If we are going down the line of crap parrot jokes...

Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Baldy on September 14, 2010, 06:43:59 pm
What's that got to do with parrots then?

 :-\
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: butters on September 14, 2010, 07:47:26 pm
What's that got to do with parrots then?

 :-\

I have no idea and I wrote it... perhaps they were Parrot Fish?   :shrug:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Baldy on September 14, 2010, 08:12:17 pm
Like this?

(http://www.petcaregt.com/images/parrotfishcare.jpg)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on September 14, 2010, 09:26:15 pm
MEIN HUND HAST KEINE NASE!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on September 14, 2010, 09:33:48 pm
How does it smell?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on September 14, 2010, 09:50:46 pm
WIR GIB IHR NICHT!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on September 14, 2010, 11:28:41 pm
(http://farm1.static.flickr.com/100/288281716_2688bf6c45.jpg) (http://www.flickr.com/photos/slackline/288281716/)
This parrot is no more... (http://www.flickr.com/photos/slackline/288281716/#) by slack---line (http://www.flickr.com/people/slackline/), on Flickr

'Nuff said on the parrot front!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on September 15, 2010, 06:56:12 am
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?

Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Drew on September 15, 2010, 08:28:30 am
Hahaha
Hahahahahaha
Hahahahahahahaha
Thud
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on September 15, 2010, 09:41:02 am
And vat is wrong with Shmetterling?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on September 28, 2010, 09:30:32 pm


Last night, I said to my wife "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

The bitch unplugged the computer and poured my beer down the sink  :shrug:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on September 28, 2010, 09:44:32 pm


Last night, I said to my wife "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

The bitch unplugged the computer and poured my beer down the sink  :shrug:

Alert Alert Alert Alert: Potentially sexist remark present in post

You have 20 seconds to modify your original post or the UKC political correctness bot will take action

(http://i47.tinypic.com/2cylm4l.jpg)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Iesu on September 29, 2010, 05:06:17 pm
what's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Social Worker?

You can get your baby back from a Rottweiler.

Boom Boom (my mom told me that and she's the most PC person I know so it should be fine.....)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on September 30, 2010, 02:01:35 pm


Last night, I said to my wife "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

The bitch unplugged the computer and poured my beer down the sink  :shrug:

"My wife" implies ownership, I take it that's how you (and therefore UKB as a misogynist whole) view women. Jesus Christ lagers, women haven't fought for equality for generations just for you to stamp all over them with your sexist, male chauvinist bigotry.

More importantly, if they spend too long worrying their pretty little heads over such matters they might forget to get the tea on and do the washing. Bless em.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on September 30, 2010, 09:26:46 pm
Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel uber und der bitte schon ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie?

Nein, sprecht der Herren, Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen!



(Timing. Das Geheimnis der guten Komdie)

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on October 01, 2010, 12:01:49 am
I've lost my babelfish!!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on October 07, 2010, 08:18:32 am
(http://fumaga.com/i/a-man-and-his-garden.jpg)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: butters on October 07, 2010, 01:45:00 pm
Went to a Muslim stag do the other night - it was bloody mental - the stripper got her face out for the lads!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on October 08, 2010, 04:26:09 pm
Rescuers to wear Planet of the Apes costumes to fool Chilean miners into thinking they've been pulled through a wormhole in time. (from Twitter)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on October 08, 2010, 11:02:17 pm
Rescuers to wear Planet of the Apes costumes to fool Chilean miners into thinking they've been pulled through a wormhole in time. (from Twitter)

Shaba-dee shaba-doo (http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/oct/07/niqabitch-niqab-debate?CMP=twt_gu)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on October 09, 2010, 12:53:49 pm
Nads! That was supposed to be a response to butters, not tomtom.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on October 09, 2010, 01:06:42 pm
Nads! That was supposed to be a response to butters, not tomtom.

Made it all the funnier
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on October 10, 2010, 07:46:56 pm
The tories, putting the 'n' into cuts.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SpanishJuan on October 11, 2010, 09:09:12 am
The tories, putting the 'n' into cuts.
:lol: I enjoyed that one as well good episode this week The News Quiz (http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006r9yq)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on October 11, 2010, 09:11:25 am
Not sure if its a joke - or for Da-News, but those who follow spoof Cheryl Cole twitter feed @CherylKerl will like this...
http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/leisure/8442969.Woath_it__Coase_Ah_Am__Pet_by_Cheryl_Kerl__Coronet_Hardback____12_99_/ (http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/leisure/8442969.Woath_it__Coase_Ah_Am__Pet_by_Cheryl_Kerl__Coronet_Hardback____12_99_/)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on October 11, 2010, 09:15:16 am
The tories, putting the 'n' into cuts.
:lol: I enjoyed that one as well good episode this week The News Quiz (http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006r9yq)

Nice one, heard it on the radio Saturday but couldn't remember what show it was to reference properly.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on October 26, 2010, 12:57:33 pm
A recent survey has shown that 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on October 26, 2010, 01:30:27 pm
Got really emotional at the petrol station earlier. Not sure why, I just started filling up.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on October 26, 2010, 01:46:00 pm
I kept thinking I was a Formula One car yesterday. My mind was racing.

I slept like a baby last night. Cried myself to sleep and then pissed myself.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on October 30, 2010, 09:51:29 pm
A London Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the London Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody London Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The London Banker looks down in horror.

'JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!' he screams. 'Where's my fucking Rolex?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: peewee on October 31, 2010, 12:21:11 am
One day in the Kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He
enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,

'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and
wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over
there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there
I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of
black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold
and covered in ice.'

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of
land and asked, 'What's that?'

'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on
earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in
the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the
world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and
politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be
modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found
travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and
high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers
of truth.' Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm
putting down South !
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: john horscroft on November 02, 2010, 11:53:49 am
 :lol: Top efforts Lagers and peewee  :thumbsup: have a wad each for brightening my morning  8)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: john horscroft on November 05, 2010, 12:20:49 pm
Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick looked around him : "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
 

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on November 08, 2010, 10:07:08 pm
Apologies to anyone who got the same text as I did containing this joke....


What brown and rhymes with "snoop"?











Dr Dre.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on November 08, 2010, 10:13:34 pm
An old classic!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on November 09, 2010, 11:05:31 am
on a long transoceanic flight, after the take off, the captain speaks to the passengers giving all the details of the flight.
then, without noticing the mic is still open, says to his second:
"bloody hell, now the autopilot is on, I'll take a huge d**p, then I'll call the blond hostess and as usual I'll f**k her in the a**!"
while listening to this, all the passengers explode in laughter, while the blond hostess, in a rage, starts running towards the pilots' cabin.
just before the cabin door, one passenger stops her and says:
"yo waitaminnit, he's got to take the d**p first!".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: iain_cbr on November 10, 2010, 09:36:55 pm
I was at the mother in laws for tea a while ago. She said "how many potatoes would you like?"

"just the one, thanks" I replied

"Oh, come on there's no need to be polite" She said

So I said "Just the one, you fat whore."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on November 10, 2010, 10:54:09 pm
After a somewhat tiresome few days in London, I returned, late at night on the last train.

In some need of "gentleman's relief", I poured myself into a taxi, and mindful of my somewhat straightened and impoverished circumstances said to the driver, "take me somewhere I can get a blow-job for a tenner."


He took me to our house.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on November 16, 2010, 09:51:54 pm
Why did the chicken cross the Garvaghy Road?

Because his father did, and his father's father did, and his father's father's father...

 
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on November 16, 2010, 11:05:13 pm
Has anyone heard about the "JLS" brand condoms?


Apparently 16-year old girls burst into tears when they hear they've split.

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: superfurrymonkey on November 17, 2010, 01:46:07 pm
Sorry if these have been done already  :)
I once had freelance work down the sewers,got the sack though,they said i was just going through the motions!!

Got some freelance work helping a one-armed typist when he needs to do a capital letter; it's only shift work but it's better than nothing.

I got the sack from the circus. I am suing for funfair dismissal.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: chris_j_s on November 23, 2010, 11:19:26 am
Everyone must have heard this by now but...

What's the capital of Ireland?


About 3 euros.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on December 02, 2010, 03:59:12 pm
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?








None.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on December 02, 2010, 05:12:03 pm
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?


None.

I'll admit I'm having a tumbleweed moment with that one Slackers - how does it work?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: superfurrymonkey on December 02, 2010, 05:28:01 pm
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?


None.

I'll admit I'm having a tumbleweed moment with that one Slackers - how does it work?

Are you saying it's a bad joke or that you don't get it?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on December 02, 2010, 05:33:03 pm
It's an old joke that ome, dates from the 1840s.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on December 02, 2010, 05:38:42 pm
It's an old joke that ome, dates from the 1840s.

Ah, now I get it... potato famine and all that..

Superfurry - Both to be honest - now I get it!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: superfurrymonkey on December 02, 2010, 06:13:46 pm
To carry on with Irish theme has one been done yet?
Brian Cowan announced this evening that 50% of the package will be loans, the other half is to be sureties, to be sureties.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on December 02, 2010, 06:20:16 pm
That's worse than the potato one!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: butters on December 02, 2010, 08:20:46 pm
Rumour has it that there was never a Potato Famine in Ireland - they just forgot where they had planted them.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on December 02, 2010, 08:32:27 pm
You need to be really careful about the potato famine jokes, it's easy to offend.  I for one.....

....but that's Roman Numerals for you.

I'll get my coat, but I bet TomTom doesn't get that.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Dolly on December 02, 2010, 11:23:13 pm
You need to be really careful about the potato famine jokes, it's easy to offend.  I for one.....

Agree - I don't feel comortable with that one
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: peewee on December 03, 2010, 12:13:41 am
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a
stool at the bar ...
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder....
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example.... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: peewee on December 03, 2010, 12:15:54 am
Uses for Vaseline...
 
A woman answers the door to a  market researcher.
 
"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Do you use it at all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Well....."
 
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
Well madam, I am  astonished with your honesty.
Out of all the people who have completed our research  questionaire, you are
first to admit  using it for sex. Would you mind explaining for me, how you
use it  during sex?
 
"Oh, why of course. It is quite simple really,.. the first thing we do is
lock  the  door.
Then we just smear it all over the bedroom doorknob, this way the kids can't
get in."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on December 03, 2010, 07:14:03 am
You need to be really careful about the potato famine jokes, it's easy to offend.  I for one.....

Agree - I don't feel comortable with that one

You really know that a joke was shit when people don't even realise it was a joke!!!  :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on December 03, 2010, 08:15:34 am
You need to be really careful about the potato famine jokes, it's easy to offend.  I for one.....

Agree - I don't feel comortable with that one

You really know that a joke was shit when people don't even realise it was a joke!!!  :lol:

Clue : II for two  ;)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grimer on December 03, 2010, 09:10:02 am
Moving swiftly on from the Irish theme and running with the roman numbers one (and speaking of jokes no one's going to get unless you had a classical education...)

Julius Caesar walks into a pub and says to the barman

"Can I have a Martinus please."

And the barman says

"Don't you mean Martini?"

"Look," says Caesar, "If I'd wanted two I would have asked for two."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: john horscroft on December 03, 2010, 09:24:28 am
Moving swiftly on from the Irish theme and running with the roman numbers one (and speaking of jokes no one's going to get unless you had a classical education...)

Julius Caesar walks into a pub and says to the barman

"Can I have a Martinus please."

And the barman says

"Don't you mean Martini?"

"Look," says Caesar, "If I'd wanted two I would have asked for two."
  Damn you Grimer, my missus is laughing like an exhaurit and I'm just looking crassa......
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on December 03, 2010, 09:41:22 am
It's usually "a double", but otherwise good to see the return of a classic!


Your momma's so fat, that when she swims she's in the locative case.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: john horscroft on December 03, 2010, 09:58:05 am
It's usualle "a double", but otherwise good to see teh return of a classic!


Your momma's so fat, that when she swims she's in the locative case.

Don't you feckin' start - that's right over my caput....  :spank:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: peewee on December 03, 2010, 03:04:37 pm
A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops
Into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie .

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you
Could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . . I'm homesick.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Ian W on December 03, 2010, 10:35:55 pm
In a private hospital, a man in a wheelchair had been making several attempt to get to the toilet, but each time he had been beaten to it by someone else. A nurse noticed him in the corridor in some distress, and after he had explained what was wrong, said that she would let him use the ladies so long as he didn't touch any of the buttons on the wall.

He went in, did the necessaries, and thought;

"Hmmm. Who would notice........ these buttons can't do any harm......"

They were labelled WW, WA, PP and ATR, from left to right. So he thought, what the hell, and pressed WW.A couple of seconds later, he felt a stream of warm water play across his nether regions.

"What a lovely feeling", he thought. "I Like this"

After 30 seconds or so, the water stopped, so feeling more confident, he pressed WA.

A gentle stream of warm air played across his bottom, drying it most pleasurably. When this stopped, he pressed the PP button. A large powder puff emerged, gently massaging his bottom with gently scented perfume of spring flowers.

He was loving it. How come the ladies get all this, when we blokes get nothing?

Unable to stop himself, he enthusiastically pushed the ATR button. The next thing he knew, he was opening his eyes, back in his hospital bed, with an unbelievable pain inhis groin, and the same nurse staring down at him,with a concerned expression on her face.

"What happened" he said " the last thing I remember is pushing the ATR button"

"Yes" replied the nurse " we know. ATR stands for Automatic Tampon Remover.your penis is on the table to your left".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Ian W on December 03, 2010, 10:47:26 pm
Needing to ask the taxi driver a question, a passenger leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, slammed the brakes on, and came to a halt inches froma shop window.

For a second, there was silence in the cab. Then the driver spoke.

"Don't EVER do that again!! You scared the daylights out of me!

The passenger apologised; "I didn't think for a minute that a tap on the shoulder would have such an effect on anybody"

The cabbie sighed; " well it's not all your fault. It's just that this is my first day as a cabbie; for the last 15 years I have been driving a hearse".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: peewee on December 03, 2010, 11:29:28 pm
As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls
up
along side. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks
on
the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is
Sharon
and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and
proceeds
down the street.    When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks  on the
door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is
Sharon, and you are losing some  of your load!"    Shaking his head,
the
trucker ignores her again and  continues down the street. At the third
red light, the same thing  happens again. All out of breath, the blonde
gets out of her car, runs  up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker
lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are
losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the trucker revs
up and races to the next light.    When he stops this time, he
hurriedly
gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her
window,
and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a
f**king gritter!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on December 04, 2010, 09:22:53 am
An article in todays Grauniad about jokes/humour around the world. Quite good:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/dec/04/global-sense-of-humour (http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/dec/04/global-sense-of-humour)

An example:

New Zealand

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the benevolent sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh announced, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The South African was first. He thought for a while, then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow lasted only 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done, the South African had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Australian was next up. After watching the South African's horror, he said smugly, "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could take only 15 lashes before the whip went through and the Australian was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The New Zealander was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the sheikh turned to him and said, "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your most royal and merciful highness," the Kiwi replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish"? "Tie the Australian to my back."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on December 07, 2010, 09:19:05 pm
Freedom of Speech - priceless. For everything else, there's MasterCard
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: peewee on December 08, 2010, 10:29:18 am
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Christmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit.. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just
right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:


Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you
will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of
Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and
go as a toffee apple.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on December 08, 2010, 12:51:47 pm
Cookies by Douglas Adams (author: "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy")

This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I'd gotten the time of the train wrong.

I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.

I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind.

Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.

It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.

You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?

In the end I thought, nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.

Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice . . ." I mean, it doesn't really work.

We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.

Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.

The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line.

(Excerpted from "The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time" by Douglas Adams)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: soapy on December 08, 2010, 08:56:30 pm
Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador.

"I wouldn't if I were you" say's Mick, "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on December 08, 2010, 09:06:14 pm
Ahh poor blind pat, could never understand why the pub said you're banned twice over now fuck off.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: soapy on December 08, 2010, 09:31:39 pm
What's the capital of Ireland?

4 Euros.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: soapy on December 08, 2010, 09:33:02 pm
Up to 8 Euros now
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on December 08, 2010, 09:33:43 pm
Indeed, but they'll be raising liquidity, to be sureitiesm to be sureitiens to be too pissed to bother.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: soapy on December 08, 2010, 09:34:07 pm
No wait, 16!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: soapy on December 08, 2010, 09:35:13 pm
It's Dublin all the time!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on December 08, 2010, 09:36:40 pm
The Liffey is not the LIFFE, twat.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on December 08, 2010, 09:37:38 pm
Sorry just not called anyone a tewat for a while, down near LLoyds Thursday next, Balls for a tinto?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: soapy on December 08, 2010, 09:44:33 pm
never ever apologise dearie, if you do i won't respect you in the morning

currently up to my neck in repossessions so must demur
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on December 08, 2010, 09:47:36 pm
Workhouses are the way to go a 40% equit split with A4e should see you in clover
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: soapy on December 08, 2010, 09:51:47 pm
Met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I went to the local video shop and I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue.
I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
   
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jim on December 09, 2010, 09:24:14 am
 ??? truly terrible
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: namnok on December 09, 2010, 09:30:42 am
reminds me of tommy cooper
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on December 09, 2010, 11:26:48 am
Funny that.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Dolly on December 09, 2010, 12:04:54 pm
Aren't they all Tim Vine ?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on December 09, 2010, 09:29:02 pm
Why did Nick Clegg cross the road? Because he said he wouldn't..
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on December 09, 2010, 11:12:34 pm
No swearing or dirty language in this one. Totally safe for work.

The  Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day  the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man  should be here soon.'   
       
Half  an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby  photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come  to...' 
       
'Oh,  no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'   
       
'Have  you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?'   
       
'Well  that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
       
After  a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
       
'Leave  everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And  sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really  spread out  there.'
       
'Bathtub,  living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for  Harry and me!'   
       
'Well,  Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot  from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased  with the results.'   
       
'My,  that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
       
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love  to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be  disappointed with that.'   
       
'Don't  I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
       
 The  photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the  top of a bus,' he said.   
       
'Oh, my  God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her  throat.
       
'And these  twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider  their mother was so difficult to work with.'
       
'She was  difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
       
'Yes, I'm  afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get  the job done right. People were crowding around four and  five deep to get a good  look'
       
'Four and  five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with  amazement.
       
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours,  too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling -  I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached  I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels  began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it  all in.' 
       
Mrs. Smith  leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,  uh...equipment?'
       
'It's true,  Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right  away.'
       
'Tripod?'
       
'Oh yes,  Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's  much too big to be held in the hand very  long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted 
         
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Control freak on December 17, 2010, 01:52:52 am
Dont know if this has been posted before - but its funny as fuck

DamnYouAutoCorrect (http://damnyouautocorrect.com/category/best-of-dyac)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: iain_cbr on December 17, 2010, 06:47:29 am
I was in McDonalds  the other day and a big fat lad brought my food over and said "sorry about the wait"

I said don't worry, you'll lose it, you fat fuck.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on December 17, 2010, 04:53:18 pm
Rich Simpson is sitting in the pub... and John Dunne walks in and recognises that Rich is a little depressed, "Whats up youth?" ask's Dunne,
"Every one reckons I am a liar... I can tell the odd porkie, but I am not a total fabricator of the truth"... and hold's his little head into his massive hands and weep's, Dunne goes to the bar, orders a pint of bitter and half a shandy for rich! "I am a liar, I tell massive great big lies, cant help it? I can not contain the truth, so I wouldn't worry", Rich replies, "I bet I am worse!".
After a neurotic debate they are still in dispute and decide to settle the big issue with a few amber nectars and a little game of Blagg!, each has to invent the most impossible truthful lie believable to man... to decide who is the biggest fibber!
First up is Dunne, "On holiday last year I visited Niagara Falls, simply wonderful. Not satisfied with just viewing this wonder of the world, I psyched up and dived the Falls... touched the bottom, and breached the pool, and actually swam up the waterfall!!!", John, fold's his arms and awaits Simpsons response, Simpson simply finishes his drink and replies "I Know, I watched you do it!".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on December 17, 2010, 04:55:11 pm
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Sorry!

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: iain_cbr on December 17, 2010, 05:59:41 pm
A young child is lost in the centre of Liverpool. A policeman says to her "what's your mum like?" The child replies "Big cocks and bacardi breezers."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Duma on December 17, 2010, 10:00:26 pm
Dont know if this has been posted before - but its funny as fuck

DamnYouAutoCorrect (http://damnyouautocorrect.com/category/best-of-dyac)

(http://damnyouautocorrect.com/images/plane-landed.jpg)
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: butters on December 18, 2010, 01:59:11 pm
Woke up this morning to find lots of snow everywhere and thought that it would be a nice idea to indulge in a bit of sledging so I rang up Ricky Ponting and called him a cock.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: fatdoc on December 19, 2010, 09:13:03 pm
Dont know if this has been posted before - but its funny as fuck

DamnYouAutoCorrect (http://damnyouautocorrect.com/category/best-of-dyac)

i have never ever found a website sooooooo funny...
 :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Falling Down on December 19, 2010, 10:27:40 pm
I am creased up laughing at those...  :thumbsup:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on December 19, 2010, 10:34:57 pm
Sadly, they're quite common! - one of my colleagues spotted my error and alerted me  ;D

(http://desmond.yfrog.com/Himg619/scaled.php?tn=0&server=619&filename=qrab.jpg&xsize=640&ysize=640)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on December 19, 2010, 10:48:49 pm
The error being you were holding your phone sideways?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on December 20, 2010, 08:05:26 am
I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping: I took my wife into eight different pubs without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on December 20, 2010, 08:16:19 am
The error being you were holding your phone sideways?

No I had a reply back from my Head of Dept asking whether or not I really meant "Penis it far more complex than that"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on December 20, 2010, 09:03:04 am
I hope you explained as was an error as you'd just woken up from anal.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: 205Chris on December 20, 2010, 05:25:47 pm
Not quite autocorrect but

(http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/C4comic.png)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on December 20, 2010, 05:45:52 pm
Superb.. prob  should be on the vids thread but its a great pisstake :)

Nigella's XXXMAS! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wncEeJZqzM&feature=youtu.be#ws)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on December 20, 2010, 06:07:58 pm
classic cassetteboy shit.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Moo on January 01, 2011, 06:35:12 pm
A dwarf walks into a bar wearin a KU KLUX KLAN outifit





the bartender says: that's a little racist
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on January 01, 2011, 09:30:42 pm
Not quite autocorrect but

(http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/C4comic.png)

Only got that now after looking at it again. God I'm slow.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jim on January 01, 2011, 10:20:40 pm
me too. its pretty good
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on January 09, 2011, 06:57:49 pm
With the return of snow forecast I've heard it's going to be "ideal for sledging"

So I'm going to ring up Ricky Ponting and call him a tosser.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on January 09, 2011, 10:23:49 pm
(butters told that same joke middle of previous page).
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on January 10, 2011, 06:19:59 am
Bah. Finally outed as a fan of Keith Chegwin.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: cofe on January 10, 2011, 07:23:36 pm
So this SEO copywriter walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house, Irish bar, bartender, drinks, beer, wine, liquor.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on January 14, 2011, 01:19:46 pm
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain he's had a better education than any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense.

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop; that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Fultonius on January 14, 2011, 04:35:00 pm
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain he's had a better education than any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense.

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop; that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on January 15, 2011, 03:44:43 pm
http://www.sickipedia.org/ (http://www.sickipedia.org/)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: fatdoc on January 15, 2011, 04:10:29 pm
 :lol:


nice one!

here's a rather special one from there:




I don't understand rich people. They get to go out killing pheasants and foxes with rifles and people clap and cheer.

I killed a horse, which is ten times the size of a pheasant and people just cried.



Plus I didn't even have a gun, I had to use a hammer.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on January 18, 2011, 01:45:56 pm
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek. Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them. Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side. Einstein says "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says "No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on January 18, 2011, 08:25:37 pm
I don't know whether this is the right place for this or not.

I'm at the end of my tether:

There's no end in sight and I can't see any escape.

And now I've got no home.



I really do need to get myself a new keyboard
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grimer on January 18, 2011, 10:26:01 pm
And now I've got no home.

No chance of escape? There's nothing for it. You'll have to put your caps on and return to the Space Bar.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on January 19, 2011, 02:05:45 pm
Gary Glitter has applied to Aston Villa for a coaching role. He heard their strikers were Young, Bent and maybe Keane.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on January 26, 2011, 09:29:46 am
WARNING:

If you get an Email saying you can get swine flu from tinned Pork. Delete it.









It is Spam  :P
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on January 26, 2011, 09:46:25 am
Thats almost a punterable offence to joking Slackers!!  ;)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on January 26, 2011, 09:47:58 am
Especially as that joke is at least a year old.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jim on January 26, 2011, 10:21:34 am
went to a bulimia party the other night







it was heaving

 :-\
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on January 26, 2011, 10:30:42 am
Reminds me of another old one (even older than Slackers')

How do you know when you are at a bulimic's party?

When the cake comes out of the girl.

(sorry that's a bit sick :))
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on January 26, 2011, 10:33:45 am
The old ones are the best  :)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on January 28, 2011, 11:48:36 am
Roses are red, violets are blue, i've got alzheimers, cheese on toast.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on January 28, 2011, 11:52:58 am
Kate Middleton asked The Queen the secret of a long and happy marriage. 
 


The Queen told her to always wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on January 28, 2011, 11:56:15 am
 ;D  ;D

Jasper - you sick puppy  ;D
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on February 01, 2011, 03:32:36 pm
Did you know that the "B" in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stands for 'Benoit B. Mandelbrot'?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Duma on February 01, 2011, 10:24:41 pm
 :lol: :lol:

very good
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Ian W on February 02, 2011, 07:20:12 pm
Probably a bit out of date now, buuuuuut;

The Fernando Torres move almost didn't come off, but John Terry eventually managed to agree terms with Torres' wife..........

And Andy Carroll wasn't happy with the personal terms on offer at Liverpool. He insisted that that any pay deal must include the option of 3 fights per week......
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on February 02, 2011, 07:30:05 pm
Did you know that the "B" in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stands for 'Benoit B. Mandelbrot'?


[sulk]
Mine was better

http://ukbouldering.com/board/index.php/topic,10191.msg282247.html#msg282247 (http://ukbouldering.com/board/index.php/topic,10191.msg282247.html#msg282247)
[/sulk]
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on February 02, 2011, 08:13:59 pm
Did you know that the "B" in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stands for 'Benoit B. Mandelbrot'?

I'm feeling alot of affinity for this fractal humour...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on February 02, 2011, 08:22:15 pm
It's a recipe for chaos, I tell ya!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on February 02, 2011, 08:30:43 pm
It's a recipe for deterministic non-linear behaviour, I tell ya!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on February 02, 2011, 09:27:17 pm
It's a recipe for deterministic non-linear behaviour, I tell ya!

I stand corrected
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on February 02, 2011, 09:32:39 pm
It's a recipe for deterministic non-linear behaviour, I tell ya!

I stand corrected

there probably should be a  ;) after my last post...  :)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on February 09, 2011, 09:10:18 pm
A man goes to see his doctor.."I am addicted to Twitter", he says....Doctor says: "I am sorry, I don't follow you"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Baldy on February 10, 2011, 12:40:17 am

I stand corrected

says the man in orthopaedic shoes.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on February 10, 2011, 10:00:58 am
Roses Are Red, Deadly Nightshade Is Purple, There's Some In Those Chocolates, Bye.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Clart on February 11, 2011, 12:17:49 am
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", I said to the Muscular dystrophy patient.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Idol eyes on February 11, 2011, 11:10:07 am
I would like to share a Valantines poem that has never failed to get me into a chicks pants....
Roses are Red,
Violets are blue.
I have a knife, get in the van...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: peewee on February 15, 2011, 12:28:12 am
This line is good also,


Roses are red

Ivy is twisted

Bend over darling

Your about to get fisted.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on February 17, 2011, 10:39:35 pm
(http://img152.imageshack.us/img152/2076/henjpage1jpeg.jpg)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on February 18, 2011, 09:06:32 am
Jenius.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on February 21, 2011, 10:15:41 pm
I took a dyslexic bird home the other day, she ended up cooking my sock.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Clart on February 22, 2011, 08:49:42 am
Christianity: One woman's lie to her husband that got seriously out of hand.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on February 24, 2011, 07:03:01 am
There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said, "I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in my son and sit down. What do you want to talk about ?"

He said, " Buggered if I know. I've never got this far before."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on March 11, 2011, 05:59:16 am
What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on March 11, 2011, 11:36:41 am
A banker, a Daily Mail reader and a benefit claimant share twelve biscuits. The banker takes eleven and says to the Daily Mail reader "Watch out! He's after your biscuit!".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grimer on March 11, 2011, 12:09:43 pm
(http://img152.imageshack.us/img152/2076/henjpage1jpeg.jpg)

You know, when you know something's funny, but you don't get it...

What do you do?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on March 11, 2011, 12:11:35 pm

You know, when you know something's funny, but you don't get it...

What do you do?

a) Feign humor.

b) Denigrate its as wank and not funny.

c) Ask for an explanation.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: metal arms on March 11, 2011, 12:16:31 pm
A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.  Barman say's "Right, who's first?"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on March 11, 2011, 01:06:27 pm

You know, when you know something's funny, but you don't get it...


If you've never had to joy of buliding any flatpack furniture from your local friendly scandanavian furniture store, then I envy you.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on March 14, 2011, 06:15:03 pm
So I'm in Boots and this woman who's working as a demonstrator hawking "Dove for Men" says to me, "excuse me sir, but can I ask what you use for grooming?"

And I shrugged and said, "the same as everybody else - 'Facebook' and a bag of sweets"

 :tumble:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: butters on March 15, 2011, 01:37:21 pm
Decided to wind up the new lad at work so I sent him out for a tin of tartan paint! Bastard had the last laugh though when he turned up with a tin of Dulux and a prostitute.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grimer on March 15, 2011, 03:09:55 pm

You know, when you know something's funny, but you don't get it...

What do you do?

a) Feign humor.

b) Denigrate its as wank and not funny.

c) Ask for an explanation.
should i do all 3 or take my pick?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on March 15, 2011, 03:16:28 pm
Mix and match as you please.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: philo on May 02, 2011, 02:11:33 pm
I didn't realise they took bins out on a bank holiday
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on May 04, 2011, 02:29:39 pm
A Policeman with a sniffer dog came up to me the other day and said "My dog tells me you're on drugs"


"ME!" I replied  "You're the one with the fucking talking dog!!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on May 09, 2011, 12:00:35 pm
I met a popstar in a nightclub last night and we ended up getting really drunk and going back to my place.

She was all over me in the taxi, stroking and caressing my body and whispering filth into my ear,
but as soon as she got through the front door she stiffened up and her attitude changed completely.

"What the fuck is that pathetic little thing?" she demanded. "How the hell do you think that you're going to satisfy me with that?"

"I'm sorry, Adele," I replied, "it's the biggest fridge I could afford."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: DaveC on May 09, 2011, 01:06:53 pm
An Englishman, an Irishman, an American, a Pole, a Hungarian, a Japanese, an Australian, a New Zealander, a Dane, a Norwegian, an Indian, a Filipino, an Italian, a Frenchman and a German all walk into a bar, the barman says..........."sorry, you can't come in here without a thai......"





Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on May 12, 2011, 01:36:20 pm
A guy out for a drink with his mates sees a pretty girl and tries to charm her by saying, "I was gonna tell you a joke about my dick. but it's too long..." 

She replies, "That's funny, I was gonna tell you a joke about my pussy... but you'll never get it."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on May 16, 2011, 01:32:43 pm
(http://img851.imageshack.us/img851/7412/298098219.jpg)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on May 30, 2011, 09:06:33 am
When my wife told me she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Turboman on June 02, 2011, 11:29:00 am
A doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. 

   You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...  Something happened.  I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy   was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got 9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.  It's 1,000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you   want.  But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch   one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had   a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be   disappointed.  So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops." 
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on June 16, 2011, 12:04:36 pm
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Ralphy says, 'I have a question for you.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little Ralphy replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with
the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on June 17, 2011, 06:41:14 am
Bah. Cold-selling & leafleting  / prosletysing in the streets is tarting to piss me off.

Especially as both religious sects and the 'phone companies are now getting their people to cross-advertise.

You've got your hari krishnas selling you Orange tariffs, Gideons and their unlimited free texts, trappist monks and their zero talktime deals, catholics getting you to sign up to 3, and Mormon missionaries flogging pray-as-you-go.

Even even the so-called Jedis are touting Yodafone offerings.


Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on June 17, 2011, 07:08:11 am
that is a truly awful joke...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: peewee on June 17, 2011, 01:13:20 pm
that is a truly awful joke...

 :agree:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on June 17, 2011, 03:59:16 pm
that is a truly awful joke...

 :agree:

Divvent fash yersens marras. I come pre-supplied with my coat!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on June 17, 2011, 04:18:53 pm
(http://www.independent.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00239/redcard_239835t.jpg)

;)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: iain_cbr on June 18, 2011, 08:23:17 pm
I went for a night out with the mrs to a posh restaurant. The wife was in the toilet when the waiter came to ask for our drinks order. I ordered a pint of lager, and he said "and what will the lady be having?" I replied "dunno, probably a shit."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: chriss on June 19, 2011, 10:06:54 am
I just slept with a girl with eczema.............

Cracking fannny!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on June 23, 2011, 11:15:44 am
Heard this many moons ago, but only starting to really appreciate it now;

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 15 metres above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude drifting with the wind at about 0.5 metres per second on a heading of 036 degrees."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." 
The man below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!"

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on June 23, 2011, 11:27:38 am
 :lol: I've an unusual amount of empathy for the engineer.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on June 23, 2011, 11:35:40 am
Yep. You could replace engineer with many different professions!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on July 05, 2011, 12:45:37 pm
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving
efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and
thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to
iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be
administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'
sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up
konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be
made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be
announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.
This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.
Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as
though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the
skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th'
by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh
is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be
dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid
to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and
evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt
vud finali hav kum tru.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: rainy sun daze on July 07, 2011, 03:22:34 pm
I would like to share a Valantines poem that has never failed to get me into a chicks pants....
Roses are Red,
Violets are blue.
I have a knife, get in the van...

Those roses were wilted
The violets dead too
My pepper spray hurt
   Sweet!
      A van from you!!
shaken not stirred,  beep beep...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: rainy sun daze on July 07, 2011, 03:28:28 pm
What's the difference between a rottweiler and a poodle?

If a rotti starts humping your leg let him finish.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: rainy sun daze on July 07, 2011, 03:30:15 pm
very funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mike Tyson on July 14, 2011, 03:33:28 pm
Big fish little fish, cardboard box.

I fucking hate stock takes at Birdseye.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mike Tyson on July 25, 2011, 07:44:32 pm
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on July 30, 2011, 11:44:24 pm
Apparently this last week Rupert Murdoch has been deeply touched by some of the messages people left on Amy Winehouse's phone.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on August 25, 2011, 09:24:10 am
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on August 25, 2011, 09:54:55 am
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532)

my favourite there from the genius Time Vine:

"Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: cofe on August 25, 2011, 10:01:27 am
i liked the last one too, and the chess one.

saw a bit of tim vine live on itv4 the other day, only gag i can remember is:

'A friend of mine always said he wanted to be killed by a steam train. When it finally happened he was chuffed to bits.'
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: iain_cbr on August 26, 2011, 12:47:57 am
Caught a bit of tim vine on the tellybox, and the funniest bit for me (for many silly reasons) was the pen behind the ear bit. Daft, but brimfull of chortles!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on August 26, 2011, 06:16:12 am
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532)

my favourite there from the genius Time Vine:

"Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

I preferred the orgiinal version - "I got fired from work for exposing myself in the lift"

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on September 06, 2011, 10:16:49 am
Working For the Council     
       
     
  A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

 The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

 He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

 "Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

 "Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

 The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

 Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

 The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

 The interviewer grimaces and then says,

 "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.

 Our normal hours are from 8.00am  to 4.00pm.....

 but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

 The bloke is puzzled and asks,

 "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm,

 why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

 "What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,
 "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks.

 There's no f---ing point in you coming in for that."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: c.j.d. on September 07, 2011, 09:28:19 pm
Welsh humor:

Did you hear about the magic tractor?  It turned into a field.

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on September 07, 2011, 09:56:24 pm
Welsh humor:

Did you hear about the magic tractor?  It turned into a field.

:)  Fab-lous
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on September 07, 2011, 09:58:52 pm
A book fell on my head the other day.

I've only got my shelf to blame.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on September 07, 2011, 10:56:16 pm
A book fell on my head the other day.

I've only got my shelf to blame.

Keep em coming, they're only torturing my friend Glenn, who I'm text relaying them to...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on September 07, 2011, 11:23:37 pm
The advantage of easy origami; its two-fold....
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy popp on September 08, 2011, 06:21:46 am
How d'you turn a duck into a soul singer?



Put it in an oven till its bill withers.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on September 08, 2011, 08:52:25 am
We're dredging up some old ones here.

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won the Nobel Prize?

He was out standing in his field.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on September 08, 2011, 09:13:50 am
We're dredging up some old ones here.

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won the Nobel Prize?

He was out standing in his field.

#fail already sent him that one...

Tractor turning is a genius joke..
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on September 08, 2011, 11:47:11 am
Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said,

"I think I lost an electron!"

"Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?"


"Yes, I 'm absolutely positive."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on September 08, 2011, 12:07:34 pm

#fail already sent him that one...


So sorry, but I'm not a journalist and therefore can't intercept your phone conversations.

A study has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she's ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged & masculine features. However, if she's menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth & a spear lodged in his chest with a cricket bat up his ass

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on September 10, 2011, 12:47:18 pm
A friend of mine is off to a reggae themed party, and I agreed to do their hair.

To be honest I'm dreading it.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on September 22, 2011, 12:13:04 pm
The biggest difference between men & women is what they mean when they say "I went through a whole box of tissues whilst watching that movie."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Clart on September 26, 2011, 06:30:15 pm
"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here," said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on September 26, 2011, 09:00:31 pm
"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here," said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

I saw that one coming..
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on September 26, 2011, 09:00:58 pm
"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here," said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

Or may be I'd heard it before ;)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Big Dave on October 07, 2011, 03:03:21 pm
What are the small dark hairs found in a school girls knickers?
 
Kevin Websters moustache!
 
 
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on October 10, 2011, 08:50:54 am
A mature (over 70) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

 Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
 Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

 Older Woman: Oh, I see.

 Officer: Can I see your license please?

 Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

 Officer: Don't have one?

 Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

 Officer: I see..Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

 Older Woman: I can't do that.

 Officer: Why not?

 Older Woman: I stole this car.

 Officer: Stole it?

 Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

 Officer: You what?

 Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

 The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

 Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

 Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

 Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

 Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

 Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

 The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

 Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

 Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
 The officer is quite stunned.

 Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

 The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

 The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

 Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

 Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on October 12, 2011, 07:39:58 am
An Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman walk into a bar.

The Welshman's still in New Zealand.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on October 26, 2011, 02:07:14 pm
In a generous offer similar to Arsenal's earlier in the season, Manchester United have offered to pay for any fans who were at Old Trafford on Sunday to travel from London to the next home game.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: butters on October 26, 2011, 03:06:42 pm
(http://dailymash.shotdeadinthehead.com/images/designs/CD213m.jpg)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: notbadforafatlad on October 26, 2011, 07:14:39 pm
The RSPCA rushed to Manchester last Sunday after hundreds of people reported seeing a sick swan at Old Trafford
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on November 04, 2011, 02:31:09 pm
Sir Paul  McCartney has said his new marriage is already having problems

Apparently Nancy spends twice as much on shoes as Heather did.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Ian W on November 09, 2011, 08:07:11 pm
Apparently there are suspicious circumstances surrounding Joe Frazier's death.



They're going to grill George Foreman about it.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on November 12, 2011, 10:40:51 am
not a joke, but made me laugh so...
read on a public toilet wall
"Chiara, making love with you has been like throwing a salami in a corridor"
...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Danger on November 15, 2011, 01:10:42 pm
I've just been diagnosed with Sausagephobia. I feared the wurst.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on November 17, 2011, 04:24:08 pm
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

 The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

 The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

 The man replies, "That would be my wife."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Big Dave on November 18, 2011, 11:09:41 am
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum
 cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

 Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . "Really, ." says Mick
 "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
 
 Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says how do
 you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
 
 I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she
 was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
 
 My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
 girlfriend yet.
 
 I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot
 of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
 
 The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
 So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
 
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I
quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
 
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3
hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself,
they've lost the plot!!
 
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were 70!!! blow this, I thought, I can get one
cheaper off the web.
 
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
 
Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was there with their
new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit
harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
 
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.
 
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that
guy's heading for a breakdown.' ****
 
 
 
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking
Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our
country?'
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: namnok on November 18, 2011, 12:11:02 pm
Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was there with their
new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit
harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

i would have laughed out loud if it weren't for the room full of people
Title: only joking
Post by: Stu Littlefair on November 18, 2011, 01:53:55 pm
Aah, one liners. Reminds me of Stuart Francis...

"I quit my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on November 18, 2011, 02:14:27 pm
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer... and a mop
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on November 29, 2011, 02:37:56 pm
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Peanuts on December 09, 2011, 09:06:49 am
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You can come with us as well I you like."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and four children with me!"

"Bring them along as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said
 
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on December 09, 2011, 01:39:43 pm
in a super modern hospital, they are experimenting a new machine, capable of transferring the pain of the birth from the mother to the father, via electric impulses, to make it safer for the baby.
so, when the travail starts, they start the experiment, transferring 10% of the pain to the father. the man shows no sign of pain, so they pass on to 20%. still the man is completely calm. they go to 35% and still no pain shown. meanwhile the woman is feeling better and better, so they transfer 50%, then 75% and finally all the pain from the mother to the father. the man remains perfectly calm, until the child is born. the mother hasn't suffered at all, so the baby is super calm, and they can go away ten minutes later.
they get back home and find the postman, dead in front of their door.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: benpritch on December 14, 2011, 07:22:25 pm
a friend of mine went to the doctors the other day.

it was bad news and the doctor says to him "i'm afraid you haven't got long to live."

my mate goes "how long?"

doctor says "ten"

my mate asks "ten what?"

doctor "nine"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: boulderingbacon on December 14, 2011, 08:06:54 pm
what does one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
see you same time next month
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on December 19, 2011, 10:22:47 pm
Just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar.

Every time you open a door someone tells you to fuck off.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Joepicalli on December 19, 2011, 10:42:50 pm
"Kim jong il's died. "

"Well, he was il(l)"

Yes its shite but I want the first dead North Korean Dead dictator joke on Ukb; and I'm not fussy about how I get it
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on December 19, 2011, 11:04:46 pm
Kim Jong's died

I didn't even know he was ill

(courtesy of Slackers on Twater)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on December 20, 2011, 08:24:00 am
Kim Jong il is dead. Looks like his Korea is over. (If only!)
Title: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on December 20, 2011, 09:15:37 am
Kim Jong il...?

No.

Kim Jong Dead!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on December 24, 2011, 01:16:23 pm
I invited a girl out the other night. I asked her "do you fancy some DIY and some magic?"
she said "what do you mean?"
I answered "we screw and then you disappear."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy popp on December 24, 2011, 01:50:55 pm
How do you get a musician to leave your porch?





Pay him for the pizza.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grumpycrumpy on January 16, 2012, 10:02:43 am
Why did the chicken cross the road ? .......

It was tucked into Anthony Worral Thompson's jumper .......
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on January 25, 2012, 04:27:34 pm
Being a big 80s fan I went out and bought the new Bonnie Tyler Edition satnav.

It's a bit crap though, it keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then it falls apart.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grumpycrumpy on January 25, 2012, 05:41:59 pm
Being a big 80s fan I went out and bought the new Bonnie Tyler Edition satnav.

It's a bit crap though, it keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then it falls apart.

Does it work abroad, or do you get lost in France ? ....... 
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on January 25, 2012, 06:01:02 pm
I did actually. It's a heartache.

Nothing but a heartache.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SpanishJuan on February 01, 2012, 04:52:03 pm
late in the day for it, but ...

Happy microphone testing day

1 2 2 12
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: horn on February 03, 2012, 08:58:42 pm
What do you call more than one octopus wrapped in pastry?


Octo-pie
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Serpico on February 04, 2012, 12:27:36 am
late in the day for it, but ...

Happy microphone testing day

1 2 2 12

Do you know why sound engineers only ever count to 2? because on 3 you have to lift something.

What's the difference between a pig and a roadie? a pig wouldn't stay up all night to fuck a roadie.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on February 04, 2012, 09:31:10 am
late in the day for it, but ...

Happy microphone testing day

1 2 2 12

Do you know why sound engineers only ever count to 2? because on 3 you have to lift something.


Have you met GrumpyCrumpy?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on February 06, 2012, 05:56:49 pm
A man in London has been found with images of small children and animals on his PC

He's the website designer for Regent's Park Zoo.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grumpycrumpy on February 07, 2012, 06:19:22 am
late in the day for it, but ...

Happy microphone testing day

1 2 2 12

Do you know why sound engineers only ever count to 2? because on 3 you have to lift something.


Have you met GrumpyCrumpy?

Sadly my sound engineer jokes would appear very dull to most of y'all on here ......... 
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on February 07, 2012, 05:18:29 pm
I've just booked a dentists appointment for 2:30
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on February 07, 2012, 05:20:00 pm
 :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on February 08, 2012, 07:41:18 am
late in the day for it, but ...

Happy microphone testing day

1 2 2 12

Do you know why sound engineers only ever count to 2? because on 3 you have to lift something.


Have you met GrumpyCrumpy?

Sadly my sound engineer jokes would appear very flat to most of y'all on here .........

Get 'em to boost the reverb then
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: butters on February 08, 2012, 08:27:39 am
I've just booked a dentists appointment for 2:30

I have done exactly that in the last two weeks for separate appointments with the dentist and the dental hospital without even thinking about it then wondering why people look at me slightly oddly when I tell them what time the appointment is.  :slap: 
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: namnok on February 10, 2012, 10:59:13 am
another tim vine classic

"Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tregiffian on March 05, 2012, 02:08:47 am
The St Ives Times and Echo reports that a performance artiste called Andrea did her cruciate ligament and needed a new direction.She decided to make animals out of herbs and after some success with a stag made from Fennel she tried her hand with a Dill doe.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Clart on March 07, 2012, 10:58:53 pm
40 Gypsies  arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and  caravans.

St  Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40  travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God  says 'We are over quota on gippos. Go out and tell them to choose  between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the  dozen in.'
Less than  a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God  again.

'They've  gone', he tells God.

'What?'  says God, 'All 40 of them?'
 
 

'No, the gates'.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: TobyD on March 07, 2012, 11:46:43 pm
HELP there's been an aggravated burglary in the cockney winemerchants.

Claret all over the shop. 
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Duma on March 07, 2012, 11:49:39 pm
Nice clart, got anymore casual racism? Jokes about n**gers or pakis perhaps?  :no: :thumbsdown:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on March 08, 2012, 12:43:29 pm
Why the squeamishness about typing in "n**gers" but not "pakis"?


Edit: Ah. I see. It's the filter. Presumably the latter can't be blocked as it would prevent the use of "Pakistan", for example.

Let's try this then - "Scunthorpe"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on March 08, 2012, 01:01:22 pm
It doesn't work with Manchester United either.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on March 08, 2012, 01:47:52 pm
What's wrong with naggers?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmyrEj76zqE
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Clart on March 08, 2012, 08:51:00 pm
Nice clart, got anymore casual racism? Jokes about n**gers or pakis perhaps?  :no: :thumbsdown:

Glad you liked it Duma. Not into racism but like the idea of the plucky travellers sticking two fingers up to the man (God), although such views could be held as sacrilegious. Not got jokes about 'n**gers or pakis', as you so delicately put it, but there are some on pages 3-4 of this thread if that's your thing. If not then there is no shortage of pedo jokes on the same pages.
Title: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on March 08, 2012, 10:20:59 pm
Seconds out!
Round two!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Duma on March 09, 2012, 12:43:35 am
Nice clart, got anymore casual racism? Jokes about n**gers or pakis perhaps?  :no: :thumbsdown:
I like the idea of the plucky travellers sticking two fingers up to the man (God)

Come on, no one is under any illusions that that joke was about plucky travellers, it was a play on the widely held view that they are thieves.
Apologies that yours was the first joke on the thread I felt bothered to call out, but I'm not going back through the whole lot to discuss every one I didn't like.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: chris20 on March 09, 2012, 04:17:46 pm
Nice clart, got anymore casual racism? Jokes about n**gers or pakis perhaps?  :no: :thumbsdown:
I like the idea of the plucky travellers sticking two fingers up to the man (God)

Come on, no one is under any illusions that that joke was about plucky travellers, it was a play on the widely held view that they are thieves.

I blame Cher
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on March 09, 2012, 04:22:07 pm
I doubt Cher was born in the wagon of a travellin' show.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: namnok on March 09, 2012, 04:25:43 pm
I doubt Cher was born in the wagon of a travellin' show.

Cher Lloyd?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on March 09, 2012, 04:42:21 pm
Cher Lloyd?

WTF?  I live a sheltered life!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on March 09, 2012, 04:56:55 pm
Be grateful on that particular front.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on March 15, 2012, 01:56:20 pm
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on March 15, 2012, 07:05:02 pm
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.

:) superb
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on April 04, 2012, 03:03:00 am
I had the misfortune to go into Homebase on Sunday.

It was full to the gunwhales with people panic buying hosepipes


[Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?]
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on April 04, 2012, 02:16:08 pm
I battered a girl to death with a hardback book after she started taking the piss out of me.

The irony is it was To Kill a Mockingbird.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on April 07, 2012, 02:52:40 pm
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.
I'm quite intrigued by this one but I don't think I can get it right. could someone help me? the pun is because it could mean that he used to drink coffee before it became cool and trendy?
sorry to spoil it, but I get very curious when I don't understand something.
Title: only joking
Post by: tomtom on April 07, 2012, 03:41:14 pm
Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: butters on April 07, 2012, 04:02:47 pm
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.
I'm quite intrigued by this one but I don't think I can get it right. could someone help me? the pun is because it could mean that he used to drink coffee before it became cool and trendy?
sorry to spoil it, but I get very curious when I don't understand something.

Think temperature (of the coffee) here and how that works within the joke as opposed the association with hipsters and the like.  ;)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: fried on April 07, 2012, 07:42:48 pm
I don't even understand the joke now :unsure:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on April 09, 2012, 09:28:51 pm
Filled the escort up with diesel last night.

She's dead now.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on April 10, 2012, 09:26:45 am
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.
I'm quite intrigued by this one but I don't think I can get it right. could someone help me? the pun is because it could mean that he used to drink coffee before it became cool and trendy?
sorry to spoil it, but I get very curious when I don't understand something.

You're basically right Lore, the joke being that hipsters say they were into everything (bands, films, fashion) "before it was cool" i.e. before anyone else and the double meaning being that if you drank your coffee before it was cool (temp) you'd burn your mouth.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Fultonius on April 10, 2012, 09:29:50 am
Filled the escort up with diesel last night.

She's dead now.

Can't be that many escorts left these days.

Lorry drivers left them all in the ditch...

 :shit:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: mrjonathanr on April 10, 2012, 11:18:51 am
Why do the French never eat two eggs for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Banana finger on April 13, 2012, 08:11:37 am
I have a thing for emo chicks............although its always imaginary when i root negative teens


My girlfriend's really stressed. She told me she missed a period last week......I don't know why she's so neurotic about grammar.


I hear you have to write a description below graphs.......but maybe thats just a legend.


(this ones not mine.....)  Grammar. The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on May 07, 2012, 08:03:03 pm
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris Charles de Gaulle airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on May 14, 2012, 11:43:37 am
Politicians are like sperm. One in a million turn out to be an actual human being.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: fatneck on May 17, 2012, 02:29:31 pm
Liverpool fans have always thought of Kenny Dalglish as one of their own, a feeling that will increase even more now he's unemployed...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on May 24, 2012, 12:24:52 am
Neil Armstrong once came into my butchers shop.
I said what can I get you
He said I'll have once small side of ham and one giant piece of rump rind.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: twoshoes on May 24, 2012, 08:01:33 am
For Sale:

Medieval Village Accessories. Available while stocks last.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GraemeA on June 12, 2012, 02:06:15 pm
Shamelessly nicked from t'other channel but worth it I think.

After the jubilee concert Rolf Harris was asked by the queen "Are you that chap from the 70's who did 'Two Little Boys'?"

"No" he replied, "That was Gary Glitter".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tregiffian on June 25, 2012, 10:34:30 am
I just got a new computer; Font 8 is Times New Roman.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on June 26, 2012, 04:53:29 pm
(http://p.nodal.in/getframe.php?itmSRC=http://www.popartuk.com/g/l/lgPP32625.jpg&itmWidth=61&itmHeight=91.5&mid=2&mouldWidth=2.4)

I used to just buy the cheapest brake pads I could for my car, but then someone told me I should get better ones.

Bad decision.


Title: Re: only joking
Post by: twoshoes on July 04, 2012, 08:46:19 am
Did you hear about the man who painted his wife with cheese?

He double glossed her.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grumpycrumpy on July 09, 2012, 07:40:57 am
Did you hear about the man who painted his wife with cheese?

He double glossed her.

That must have cheddar up ........
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on July 09, 2012, 11:57:44 am
The wife left me a note on the fridge......"Its not working !! I can't take it anymore, I have gone to stay at my Mom's".

I opened the fridge, the light came on & the beer was cold so I took one.....Fuck knows what the bitch is on about?

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on July 15, 2012, 07:59:52 pm
At her request, I've just been trying to change the neighbour's daughter's password to "Twilight"

Apparently this is not possible because the characters are too weak
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: mrjonathanr on July 15, 2012, 08:25:03 pm
In view of your moniker, is there a smallerstarfish?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on July 15, 2012, 08:39:37 pm
In view of your moniker, is there a smallerstarfish?

Shandystarfish
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: mrjonathanr on July 15, 2012, 09:50:58 pm
If I'd suffered a broken ankle I'd be a bitterstarfish.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on July 27, 2012, 08:39:29 am
Grammar.The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
Title: only joking
Post by: tomtom on July 27, 2012, 08:41:17 am
A racist, and adulterer and a premier league footballer walk in to the bar.

Bar man says "usual Mr Terry?"
Title: only joking
Post by: tomtom on July 27, 2012, 08:42:23 am
If I'd suffered a broken ankle I'd be a bitterstarfish.

6 million dollar starfish? (6MDS for short..)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on July 27, 2012, 10:55:37 am
[I refer you to thread title - "Only Joking"]

Now established under case law: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-19009344 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-19009344)

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on July 27, 2012, 11:00:15 am
[I refer you to thread title - "Only Joking"]

Now established under case law: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-19009344 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-19009344)

Ahh.. but reading the above I'm not using my real name (which if the plod ask is Jasper Sharpe btw ;) ) ... hmm..
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: butters on August 01, 2012, 08:30:40 pm
I rang Babestation the other night and the girl said "Hi sexy, what can I do for you"? I said "Fucking hide, my wife's coming home and I've lost the remote".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on August 02, 2012, 09:11:13 am
First Vidal Sassoon, then Gore Vidal. I'm happy to sacrifice Martin Gore if it means Chris Martin will follow.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: namnok on August 21, 2012, 07:55:07 am
the winner of the funniest joke at Edinburgh fringe has been awarded (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-19316443)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on August 21, 2012, 09:22:17 am
I thought the Edinburgh fringe had comedians?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on August 21, 2012, 10:17:42 am
I like how they put a pic of Posh and Becks and tell us what their kids' names are, just in case we don't get the joke.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on August 21, 2012, 11:54:52 am
They were a bit poor this year, weren't they?

Compare. Contrast

2009: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/theatre/edinburgh-festival/6080950/Funniest-jokes-top-10-gags-at-Edinburgh-Fringe.html (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/theatre/edinburgh-festival/6080950/Funniest-jokes-top-10-gags-at-Edinburgh-Fringe.html)

2010: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202)

2011: http://jokerswildonline.com/2011/08/26/2011-edinburgh-festival-best-one-liners/ (http://jokerswildonline.com/2011/08/26/2011-edinburgh-festival-best-one-liners/)

PS. The set-up for Tim Vine's 2nd placed one in 2011 is wrong, it should be "I got sacked from work for exposing myself in a lift: HR told me ''"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on August 21, 2012, 12:04:48 pm
How did they let that sarah miilcan into those lists - I didn't even know she was a comedian. And I've seen her routines.

Tim Vine should get some kind of award for consistently good puns/onelines. My hero.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on August 21, 2012, 12:06:40 pm
I'd vote that silly cow most deserving of a smack in the mouth.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on August 21, 2012, 12:25:42 pm
Maybe it's the delivery, but I never find one-liners funny when I see them written down.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: namnok on August 21, 2012, 02:47:52 pm
Maybe it's the delivery, but I never find one-liners funny when I see them written down.
(http://celebslists.com/images/frank-carson-02.jpg)...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy popp on August 21, 2012, 07:55:18 pm
What's the last thing a stripper does with her asshole before going to work?











Drops him at band practice.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: willackers on August 29, 2012, 09:52:45 am
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! ... Just kidding, I don't know what he got, he hasn't opened his presents yet.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: mrjonathanr on August 29, 2012, 09:59:15 am
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! ... Just kidding, I don't know what he got, he hasn't opened his presents yet.

A place in the Paralympic team? Cute timing.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on August 29, 2012, 10:17:23 am
No Applause.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on August 29, 2012, 11:19:19 am
Alan Partridge - Bravery Award (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8Uu0UMLSrI#)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tregiffian on September 02, 2012, 02:10:07 pm
This farmer made an image of a saint out of barley straw; it was a hay Jude.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: peewee on September 09, 2012, 11:31:18 pm
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, whatcha gonna do in Tampa?"

“Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge chest out for dinner..... Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on September 11, 2012, 01:38:41 pm
What time did Sean Connery stop watching the Murray match last night?

Tenish
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on September 12, 2012, 10:46:02 am
Tom Cleverly has inspired a new character from the stable of Roger Hargreaves.

Mr Sitter.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on September 14, 2012, 08:02:13 am
http://item.mobileweb.ebay.co.uk/viewitem;PdsSession=c36fc7221390a5aa872278a2ffe52730?itemId=220768216260&cmd=VIDESC (http://item.mobileweb.ebay.co.uk/viewitem;PdsSession=c36fc7221390a5aa872278a2ffe52730?itemId=220768216260&cmd=VIDESC)

This is so funny... Who has the time to write this stuff
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on September 14, 2012, 08:22:40 am
Whatever it was it's gone now. Should have copy and pasted it.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: fatneck on September 14, 2012, 08:27:29 am
It worked fine for me! Don't think the effect would be the same if you copy and pasted it...

Chris, it's the text underneath that's the funny bit! Loved the drawings :)

(http://i1126.photobucket.com/albums/l603/pistolfeet/xwingfocus.jpg)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on September 14, 2012, 08:28:46 am
He just spouts crap for ages! Amazing.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on September 14, 2012, 09:08:12 am
Odd, all I get is

Quote
This listing () has been removed, or this item is not available.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on September 14, 2012, 09:09:20 am
Odd, all I get is

Quote
This listing () has been removed, or this item is not available.

 :agree:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on September 14, 2012, 09:23:31 am
Damn. It's brilliant as well
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: fatneck on September 14, 2012, 12:22:54 pm
Quote
Odd, all I get is

Quote
This listing () has been removed, or this item is not available.
 

Wierd, I still get straight to the whole thing? I am automatically logged in to Ebay though...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on September 14, 2012, 01:04:09 pm
might be why.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Drew on September 14, 2012, 01:57:31 pm
Maybe it's to do with the device you're looking on. Works fine on an Android Smartphone.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on September 14, 2012, 02:03:51 pm
And it's fine on Firefox on my PC.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on September 14, 2012, 02:10:15 pm
Working for me now.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on September 14, 2012, 02:31:02 pm
Worth the build up?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on September 20, 2012, 11:54:00 am
It might be cold and rainy, but Ive decided to put up a marquee in my garden with some funky music and flashing lights in it.


Now is the winter of my disco tent.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: 205Chris on September 20, 2012, 07:21:14 pm
My pet mouse Elvis has just died.

He was caught in a trap.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on September 20, 2012, 07:29:57 pm
what do you call a man in the boot of your car?

Jack.
Title: only joking
Post by: tomtom on September 20, 2012, 09:45:45 pm
What do you call a man wearing a raincoat standing in a cemetery?


Max Bygraves
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on September 20, 2012, 09:50:03 pm
What do you call a man between two buildings?

Ali
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on September 20, 2012, 09:56:30 pm
two atoms walking down the road, one says to the other 'damn ive lost an electron', the other replies 'are you sure'. the first replies 'im positive'... hahahaha
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on September 20, 2012, 09:58:18 pm
why do art students close the blinds in their morning lectures? they have to have something to do in the afternoon
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on September 20, 2012, 10:05:06 pm
what did one uranium-235 nucleus say to the other? gotta split
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on September 20, 2012, 10:10:45 pm
Two chemists go into a restaurant. The first one says 'I think I'll have an H2O'. The second one says 'I think I'll have an H2O too' ... and he died.
Title: only joking
Post by: tomtom on September 20, 2012, 10:11:28 pm
What do you call a man with a spade?


Doug.



What do you call a man who's lost his spade?



Douglas.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on September 20, 2012, 10:13:42 pm
what you call a man who got hit in the head with a shovel? doug....
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on September 20, 2012, 10:21:11 pm
What do you call a bloke with a seagull on his head?

Cliff
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on September 20, 2012, 11:35:57 pm
Irish Paralympic Swimming Trials
50mtrs free style
Lane 1, Paddy with no arms
Lane 2, Mick with no legs
Lane 3, just a head
Gun goes off & they all dive in. Mick
with no legs takes the lead from armless Paddy. The head sinks 2 the bottom. Armless Paddy pips the legless Mick 2 win the race.
They fish the head out & ask what
happened. The head spluttered & screamed "6 FUCKIN months 2 learn 2 swim with my ears & some cunt puts a swimmin cap on me "
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on September 21, 2012, 01:47:34 am
France: bringing you topless royals since 1793
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: rodma on September 21, 2012, 06:57:44 am
What do you call a man between two buildings?

Ali

Similarly, what do you call somone that's just done the crux on a sport route?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grumpycrumpy on September 21, 2012, 07:32:38 am
What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head ?


Sister Matic ........
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on September 21, 2012, 10:09:34 am
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one but its going to take a long time and the lightbulb has to want to change
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: twoshoes on September 21, 2012, 11:48:55 am
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs trying to swim?

Bob.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on September 21, 2012, 11:53:43 am
What do you call a man with an invoice on his head?

Bill
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: rich d on September 21, 2012, 12:00:05 pm
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?

Russel 
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on September 21, 2012, 12:02:56 pm
What do you call an idiotic mormon presidential candidate with a glove on his head?

Mitt.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: peewee on September 21, 2012, 12:43:28 pm
Why does it take 7 women on PMS to change a lightbulb?  IT JUST FREAKING DOES OK!!!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on September 21, 2012, 01:16:05 pm
Why does it take 7 women on PMSto change a lightbulb?  IT JUST FREAKING DOES OK!!!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on September 21, 2012, 02:43:45 pm
What do you call a girl who can balance a pint on her head?

Beatrix.

What do you call a girl who sets fire to a parking fine?

Bernadette.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lighbulb?

Fish.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tregiffian on September 21, 2012, 03:31:39 pm
What do you call the head of the Cats Choir?

Chairman Miaow.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on September 21, 2012, 03:35:38 pm
What do you call an idiotic mormon presidential candidate with a glove on his head?

Mitt.

Very good. But the actual answer is "cunt", isn't it?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on September 21, 2012, 04:55:09 pm
no thats the answer to the question "what do you call mitt romney"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on September 21, 2012, 07:45:53 pm
What do you call a bloke witk a six sided head?

Allen
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on September 21, 2012, 08:05:43 pm
What do you call a man who converts sound energy into electrical energy.via kinetic energy?

Mike.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on September 21, 2012, 08:29:04 pm
What do you call a scottish cloakroom attendant?

Angus McCoatup
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Serpico on September 21, 2012, 08:49:48 pm
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.

What do you call a dog with no ears?
It doesn't matter - he won't come.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: chummer on September 21, 2012, 09:21:05 pm
I have strongly resisted puntering you Serpico for the shittest most dated joke this side of TV. The only reason I didn't was because you sound like you might be foreign and thus not aware of just how shit and dated it was.  :P

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grumpycrumpy on September 22, 2012, 01:40:03 am
Why does Noddy have a bell on the end of his hat ?


'Cos he's a cunt .........
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on September 22, 2012, 09:21:50 am
SHOWBIZ NEWS: Mick Jagger & Eminem to collaborate, though the twins from Bros weren't interested. A Rolling Stone, Mathers, no Goss.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grumpycrumpy on September 22, 2012, 05:47:55 pm
What do you call a fly with no wings ?


A walk ........
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Drew on September 22, 2012, 07:09:33 pm
What do you call a spider with no legs?

A currant.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: robertostallioni on September 22, 2012, 07:58:04 pm
Malcolm Tucker is a sci-fi fan (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5iRmPBve80#ws)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on September 26, 2012, 05:34:21 pm
Teaching: One day you're taking a register, the next you're signing one.

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: mrjonathanr on September 26, 2012, 10:16:53 pm
 :thumbsdown:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on September 27, 2012, 08:42:22 am
The only reason I didn't was because you sound like you might be foreign and thus not aware of just how shit and dated it was.

He's as British as you and me. Well, you.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on October 05, 2012, 04:06:55 pm
A mob of dyslexic parents have just gone and beaten up Jimmy Somerville.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on October 12, 2012, 07:49:05 pm
Rolling Stone Magazine: "Adele is still at the top of the U.S. Charts"

No shit.

That's because no one is able to move her.




*disclaimer
I think chunky birds are nice
Title: only joking
Post by: tomtom on October 12, 2012, 09:16:23 pm
A mob of dyslexic parents have just gone and beaten up Jimmy Somerville.

After they sold their souls to Santa no doubt..
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on October 12, 2012, 10:13:49 pm
Reverse engineered this tenuous joke today at the crag with lovejoy:



What hospital would you go to if you hurt yourself setting fire to a jawbone in buckinghamshire?

Stoke Mandible
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on October 15, 2012, 11:30:46 am
BREAKING NEWS : More scandal regarding TV presenters; Rod Hull has been accused of fisting a young bird, and apparently Jeremy Beadle had a small hand in it as well.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: CBA on October 15, 2012, 10:12:47 pm
Two Geordies are chatting in the pub.The first one says "Have you seen 'War Horse'?" The other one replies "Seen it? I didn't even know you fuckin had one!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on October 15, 2012, 10:54:01 pm
bad joke... all this talk about jimmy saville cant be true... when i was young i was in hospital at leeds infirmary and he came to see me and he was brilliant! next they will be telling me he wasnt qualified to give me a prostate exam!!! :thumbsdown:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on October 16, 2012, 10:39:52 am
Careful, someone might read that in a month and not find it funny.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on October 27, 2012, 12:16:37 pm
"Threw the new bond villain out of my boozer last night."

"Javier Bardem?"

"Nah. I'll let him back in when he's sobered up."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on October 27, 2012, 12:39:56 pm
Only a few days now till Halloween, or as Jimmy Saville called it "Christmas".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on November 07, 2012, 10:30:25 pm
Someone lent me the boxset of 24. I must watch it one day.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on December 13, 2012, 03:20:27 pm

The State of Washington made both gay marriage and pot smoking legal as of 12:01 a.m. December 6th, 2012.

 It's the fulfillment of the Biblical prophesy: Leviticus 20:13. "If a man lies with a man as he would with a woman, they should both be stoned."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: notbadforafatlad on December 24, 2012, 07:34:54 am
First Cracker joke of the season:



How was the inventor of the Door Knocker rewarded?


He was given a Nobel Prize.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on December 24, 2012, 08:52:58 am
I asked Bob Geldof if he wears a down jacket at yuletide.

"Duvet? No, its christmas."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on December 28, 2012, 08:20:21 am
First Cracker joke of the season:



How was the inventor of the Door Knocker rewarded?


He was given a Nobel Prize.

The crackers we had had "charades" in them.

Here you go, I'll start:










,
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on December 28, 2012, 11:10:13 am
How many silly bulls?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on December 28, 2012, 12:05:31 pm
 











.
Title: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on January 06, 2013, 06:53:22 pm
I've just eaten the sofa...


I have a suite tooth.

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: 205Chris on January 06, 2013, 07:12:35 pm
"Excuse me", I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "you have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't tend to ejaculate yoghurt."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on January 11, 2013, 08:33:57 pm
(just seen robbie williams say this on tv) "my wife just had a go at me for not opening the car window for her, i just panicked and swam to the surface"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Big Dave on January 16, 2013, 11:13:11 am
Just bought some beef burgers from Tesco's.....and THEY'RE OFF!!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on January 16, 2013, 11:16:47 am
Tesco burgers: low in salt and high in Shergar
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on January 16, 2013, 01:06:22 pm
To save anyone else the trouble:

Tesco burgers -  just say "neigh"

So there's horse DNA in the burgers. - Relax, doesn't mean it's meat, could be semen.

Bought some burgers from Tesco's last week, tried to cook them last night, And, They're Off!

Meanwhile, a low-cost supermarket competitor is now branding their burgers as "My Lidl Pony"

Tesco Value Burgers - part of a stable diet.

These product recalls are really just closing the stable door after the horse has bolted.

Morrissey and Jack Nicholson have issued a joint statement - declaring "meat is Red Rum"

Buying low-cost burgers by Tesco, Aldi, and Lidl is turning into a right 'mare for their marketing people.

Ate some of their burgers last week - they gave me the trots.

Value burgers don't say on the "serving suggestion" whether they're to be cooked "rare or well done", just "good to firm"

Anyway. These burger jokes are becoming pass, talk about flogging a dead hor

I'll get my coat.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on January 16, 2013, 01:18:56 pm

I'll get my coat.

I don't get this one? :clown:

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BAuFwm-CUAA9Trt.png)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on January 16, 2013, 01:37:37 pm

I'll get my coat.

I don't get this one? :clown:

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BAuFwm-CUAA9Trt.png)

The rest of that conversation is equally entertaining -

https://twitter.com/spireite72

Quote
wayne whitehead ‏@spireite72
@UKTesco my local store is Clowne Derbyshire.


Title: Re: only joking
Post by: willackers on January 16, 2013, 01:39:17 pm
Tesco Burgers - Galloping off the shelf!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: fried on January 16, 2013, 02:53:08 pm
Very punny.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-21011778 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-21011778)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on January 16, 2013, 03:35:51 pm
Apparently it's got worse for Tesco - they've now found out their vegeburgers are made from UniQuorn
 
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on January 16, 2013, 04:03:57 pm
Apparently it's got worse for Tesco - they've now found out their vegeburgers are made from UniQuorn

FD found a sea-horse in his fish finger the other day.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on January 16, 2013, 05:11:16 pm
I have some tesco burgers in the fridge - I went to check their best before date..

And they're off.....
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SpanishJuan on January 16, 2013, 05:56:33 pm
Traces of zebras found in Tesco barcodes.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: CBA on January 16, 2013, 11:06:56 pm
Tesco self service till..."Unexpected item in bagging area." Yes,it's a fucking horse.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Big Dave on January 17, 2013, 04:47:25 pm
Tesco have recalled 10,000 pairs of leggings after traces of camel toe were found in them.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on January 30, 2013, 05:14:47 pm
Bit late so it doesn't really work but I only just clocked this one, it is rather good and since no other jokes have been posted fits in well in the thread...


Primark are horrified to find there are camel toes in their leggings.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on January 30, 2013, 05:16:51 pm
Up one post?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on January 30, 2013, 05:28:38 pm
 :slap: :oops: :sorry:  :lol: Didn't realise Tescos even sold clothes.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: namnok on January 30, 2013, 07:52:36 pm
:slap: :oops: :sorry:  :lol: Didn't realise Tescos even sold clothes.

Yeah, a large selection of men's women's kids and jockies
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on January 31, 2013, 09:34:08 am
Took a few seconds for the penny to drop, very good.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Dexter on January 31, 2013, 01:01:37 pm
apparently tescos have a new deal of double points on petrol and burgers


its called only fuel and horses
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SpanishJuan on February 01, 2013, 09:59:41 pm
its only a matter of time before someone edits a tesco advert with one of my favourite songs of all timeFather Ted | My Lovely Horse | Channel 4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzYzVMcgWhg#)
Title: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on February 05, 2013, 12:16:55 pm
(http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8075/8446659335_283d86f99b.jpg) (http://www.flickr.com/photos/oldmanmatt/8446659335/)
Untitled (2013-02-03 21:59:17) (http://www.flickr.com/photos/oldmanmatt/8446659335/) by oldmanmatt (http://www.flickr.com/people/oldmanmatt/), on Flickr

Well... At least he probably knows how to find it...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on February 05, 2013, 05:01:24 pm
To celebrate finding the remains of Richard III in a Leicester car park, the archaeology team have errected a large marquee over the site and have announced they're holding a dance and party -

Now is the winter of our disco tent

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on February 11, 2013, 12:46:20 pm
Wow, nobody's mentioned the Ex-Benedict joke yet.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on February 11, 2013, 12:49:34 pm
Wow, nobody's mentioned the Ex-Benedict joke yet.

Go on then hit us with it. :clown:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: willackers on February 14, 2013, 01:17:18 pm
Roses are red, violets are glorious, don't sneak up on Oscar Pistorius - Happy Valentines Day!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on February 14, 2013, 01:20:15 pm
Wow, nobody's mentioned the Ex-Benedict joke yet.

Surely even though he won't be Pope anymore, he will still be called Benedict?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on February 14, 2013, 01:22:26 pm
If here were actually called Benedict, that'd be true, but his name's Joseph Ratzinger.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on February 14, 2013, 01:23:15 pm
I would change it too.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on February 14, 2013, 02:49:45 pm
Wow, nobody's cracked the Ex-Benedict yoke yet.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: fried on February 14, 2013, 03:13:53 pm
Two opportunities missed in one sentence, you're selling out!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on February 14, 2013, 03:28:45 pm
Two opportunities missed in one sentence, you're selling out!

Yup - I'm probably being a bit of a cock for pointing them out, but I wouldnt want to poach another mans gags..
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on February 14, 2013, 03:30:47 pm
I think we're all a bit chicken after the negative cluckings we got to the last eruption of puns.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on February 14, 2013, 03:31:02 pm
There's no point in starting on the bird puns. You'll never beat Histor's Eye;

Lee And Herring - Histors Eye #4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6P63XfMaaCA#)
Title: only joking
Post by: dave on February 14, 2013, 07:06:19 pm
Bird like a bird.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grumpycrumpy on February 16, 2013, 08:30:19 am
There's no point in starting on the bird puns. You'll never beat Histor's Eye;

Lee And Herring - Histors Eye #4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6P63XfMaaCA#)

Good find Jasper, but there's no reason to crow about it ........ 
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mike Tyson on February 16, 2013, 09:34:37 am
Whats the difference between Delia Smith and a jog in the woods? Ones a pant in the country......
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: jwi on February 22, 2013, 09:41:20 am
Wow, nobody's mentioned the Ex-Benedict joke yet.
I take the opportunity offered by the coming papal enclave to retell my favourite 70s set-theory/theology joke.

Pope Paul VI settled the continuum hypothesis, declaring that cardinals over 80 have no power.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on February 22, 2013, 10:07:43 am
Every time I misspell a word I throw up. The doctor has said I've got Irritable Vowel Syndrome...
Title: only joking
Post by: dave on March 01, 2013, 07:10:27 pm
One from a colleague at work:

Surely Oscar Pistorius can't be the first bloke to wake up legless on Valentine's Day after shooting a load into his girlfriend's face whilst imagining she was someone else?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on March 01, 2013, 08:27:59 pm
Police have found evidence outside Oscar pistorious's house proving someone else killed his girlfriend? Foot prints.  Oscar pistorious's lawyers have told him to plead guilty as he hasn't a leg to stand on....
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on March 01, 2013, 08:29:14 pm
I was gonna take my car to the garage in coronation street but the guy says he won't touch anything over 10 year old.... Bit bad that one
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on March 01, 2013, 08:30:43 pm
Police have found a book in Oscar pistorious's house with 20 more people's names that he intended to murder... They are calling it shinless list
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on March 05, 2013, 02:12:43 pm
Whether its genuine or not this made me chuckle at the inaneness of government bureaucracy

Quote
This, apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

 Dear Sirs,

 I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

 Do you guys do this by hand?

 My birth date you have on my pension book.

 It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

 It is on my National Health card.

 My driving licence.

 My car insurance.

 On the last eight damn passports I've had.

 It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

 All those insufferable census forms.

 Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!

 I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
 Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!

 You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!

 What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?

 Look at my damn picture.

 Do I look like Bin Laden?

 I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.

 And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

 If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

 Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of 30.

 Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

 Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.

 You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)

 Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

 Signed

 An Irate Citizen

 P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?

 Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

 I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

 However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..

who was born and raised in Pakistan!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on March 05, 2013, 07:45:13 pm
Whether its genuine or not this made me chuckle at the inaneness of government bureaucracy

Quote
This, apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

 Dear Sirs,

 I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

 Do you guys do this by hand?

 My birth date you have on my pension book.

 It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

 It is on my National Health card.

 My driving licence.

 My car insurance.

 On the last eight damn passports I've had.

 It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

 All those insufferable census forms.

 Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!

 I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
 Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!

 You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!

 What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?

 Look at my damn picture.

 Do I look like Bin Laden?

 I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.

 And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

 If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

 Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of 30.

 Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

 Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.

 You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)

 Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

 Signed

 An Irate Citizen

 P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?

 Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

 I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

 However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..

who was born and raised in Pakistan!

What's inane about it?

The Data Protection Act means that information held means that information held on one computer system can't be transferred to another.

So. Sky television, on Sky television's system know who you are.

The passport agency on their system don't have access to the DWP's pension system.

PS.

The crack about his doctor being "born and raised" in Pakistan suggests he's [?] a racist.

Hopefully, he'll get his passport, piss off abroad, AND FUCKING STAY THERE.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on March 05, 2013, 08:58:24 pm
I thought that. Classic reactionary Mail reader.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on March 05, 2013, 09:18:50 pm
Government computer systems should communicate to each other rather than working in isolation in my opinion, it would work for benefit of the people whom it serves (NHS desperately needs thus but that's essentially now been canned after throwing shed loads of money at it if I remember correctly).

I didn't care much for the PS, but was to lazy to delete it when copying and pasting.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on March 05, 2013, 11:34:30 pm
Went to the doctors the other day and he said I had to stop wanking. I said "why!" And he replied "cos I'm trying to examine you"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SpanishJuan on March 06, 2013, 07:58:43 pm
In honour of the passing of Hugo Chavez, I have had his initials inscribed onto my bathroom taps.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on March 07, 2013, 06:54:25 am
Government computer systems should communicate to each other rather than working in isolation in my opinion, it would work for benefit of the people whom it serves (NHS desperately needs thus but that's essentially now been canned after throwing shed loads of money at it if I remember correctly).

I didn't care much for the PS, but was to lazy to delete it when copying and pasting.

I disagree.

Disparate systems should be atomic, and stand alone - especially government ones - information stored on one isn't for the purpose of being used on another.

[Clearly, exceptions would apply for, for example, criminal investigations - but if you give your information to someone for a specific purpose, I don't believe it should be disseminated]

- Anyhoo. Back to the merry japes funsters.
Title: only joking
Post by: tomtom on March 07, 2013, 07:44:01 am
Went to the doctors the other day and he said I had to stop wanking. I said "why!" And he replied "cos I'm trying to examine you"

That's a limp effort.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on March 07, 2013, 07:49:23 am
I'm not thinking of it in terms of information being freely disseminated between different bodies though, rather that with explicit consent information between systems could be linked/shared.

A topical example is that I was out last night with a friend who had had their application for a disabled parking badge initially declined, but they'd appealed it.  This is after having been injured climbing seven months ago and having to have three operations to pin their spine back in place and they have trouble walking and find long distances painful as a consequence.  They had to go for a physical exam to have this checked/verified :blink:.   That in itself is wasteful as someone is employed to do those checks when the opinion of a clinician should suffice.


Title: only joking
Post by: tomtom on March 07, 2013, 07:55:57 am
I'm not thinking of it in terms of information being freely disseminated between different bodies though, rather that with explicit consent information between systems could be linked/shared.

A topical example is that I was out last night with a friend who had had their application for a disabled parking badge initially declined, but they'd appealed it.  This is after having been injured climbing seven months ago and having to have three operations to pin their spine back in place and they have trouble walking and find long distances painful as a consequence.  They had to go for a physical exam to have this checked/verified :blink:.   That in itself is wasteful as someone is employed to do those checks when the opinion of a clinician should suffice.

This is being covered / is relevant to the google shit thread... Maybe move it there?

My dog has no nose....
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tregiffian on March 07, 2013, 08:34:06 am
That must be terrible.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on March 07, 2013, 09:02:31 am
A horse walks into a bar. The barman confuses idioms with jokes and offers him water, but can't make him drink.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB on March 07, 2013, 06:23:06 pm
That must be terrible.


WE DON'T GIVE HIM ANY!!!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on March 10, 2013, 10:52:38 am
What do you call a Chinese Philosopher with a very loud sound system?


Lau tzu Wai.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on April 08, 2013, 05:08:54 pm
I've just been accused of being a plagiarist!



Their words, not mine.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on May 07, 2013, 02:06:49 pm
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a pint of beer.

The second one orders a half pint and the third one orders a quarter pint.

The fourth one orders an eighth of a pint.

Before the fifth one can order, the bar tender says "You're all idiots." and pours two beers.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tommytwotone on May 08, 2013, 10:59:03 pm
Sorry fella, not being in possession of an Oxbridge Applied Maths 1st I don't get that one...need to to show your workings!  ;)

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: mrjonathanr on May 09, 2013, 05:32:57 pm
Zeno's paradigm, isn't it? (+initial pint ordered)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: psychomansam on May 09, 2013, 05:49:46 pm
Zeno's paradox, isn't it? (+initial pint ordered)

One of many, but the one he's currently famous for.
Title: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on May 09, 2013, 06:59:02 pm
Always approaching 2, never quite reaching it.
Bit like my mental age...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tregiffian on May 09, 2013, 07:53:43 pm
They put a clock  on the tower of Pisa; no good having the inclination if you haven`t got the time.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on July 19, 2013, 01:10:41 pm
I'm not sure how my wife and I will make ends meet after she lost her job as a bukkake pr0nstar and cancelled her insurance policy.

She's no longer getting fully covered income.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: rodma on July 19, 2013, 02:10:16 pm
I'm not sure how my wife and I will make ends meet after she lost her job as a bukkake pr0nstar and cancelled her insurance policy.

She's no longer getting fully covered income.

was she miss-sold pee-pee-eye insurance  :tumble:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: butters on July 19, 2013, 11:34:19 pm
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline. What's the problem, cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the vag by a wasp. It's now completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

" Thanks mate. Hadn't thought of that. Bye."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: butters on July 22, 2013, 11:16:59 am
ROYAL BABY WATCH: Duchess going into labour quoted as saying "I hope it's as easy as an Aussie batsman to get out".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on September 04, 2013, 08:59:30 pm
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch and sit with them, so she put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"Any of you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused. Then one of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled back down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back, "Cause his mum's here with his lunch."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on September 04, 2013, 10:53:08 pm
What's the difference between Michael give and a plastic surgeon?...a plastic surgeon tucks features...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: JackAus on September 13, 2013, 10:01:50 am
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me.
I gave her a loving smile and said "Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of beer, for the price of 2".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on September 13, 2013, 10:15:32 am
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

 At 1:00AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

 "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

 "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

 "Good," she replies. "Get your own fucking blanket."

 After a moment of silence, he farted.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on October 01, 2013, 02:19:08 pm
I'm now a full member of the Tourette's Society. They just finished swearing me in.

FFYF!

(apologies if this has been on here before)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: rich d on October 13, 2013, 08:37:24 pm
Two lads wearing Man Utd tops smashed my car windscreen this morning.
I cold have swerved, but I thought fuck em!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on November 06, 2013, 01:21:20 pm
How many tourette's sufferers does it twat to cunt a lightbollocks?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: fatneck on November 06, 2013, 02:25:32 pm
Liverpool Football Club are raving about the SAS, the Sturridge and Suarez partnership!

United are still struggling to come up with a name for Wellbeck, Andserson, Nani, Kagawa, Evra, Rooney and Smalling!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on November 06, 2013, 03:05:25 pm
How many blondes does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie??

7... 1 to make the dough and 6 to peel the smarties
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on November 06, 2013, 03:18:56 pm
Liverpool Football Club are raving about the SAS, the Sturridge and Suarez partnership!

United are still struggling to come up with a name for Wellbeck, Andserson, Nani, Kagawa, Evra, Rooney and Smalling!

We need a team with a player surname beginning with U to really make this work... :)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: JackAus on November 06, 2013, 09:23:15 pm
A good steak pun is a rare medium well done.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on January 29, 2014, 07:46:19 pm
Jokes about white sugar are rare, but jokes about brown sugar - demerara...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on February 21, 2014, 05:04:17 pm
I apologize in advance for the appalling use of racial and religious stereotypes in the following story

I'll put it in as a quote and reduce the chance of me getting branded as some sort of bigot


Quote from: not me
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.

He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows its a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.

He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He wont say what it is but wants Father Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.

He brings Father Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

Well, says the priest, its pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.

No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.

Well, Father Flannagan says, its certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But its not for me to say its a miracle. Ill report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round to interview you, take photos, etc.

An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. It reads:

"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphys room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted  from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."
 
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on February 21, 2014, 05:30:33 pm
 ;D
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on February 24, 2014, 07:11:42 am
I went to a really emotional wedding last week, even the cake was in tiers.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on February 24, 2014, 09:11:14 am
Lizzy Yarnold has dedicated her gold medal to David Beckham. Apparently he gave her some crucial tips on the best way to ride the skeleton.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on March 13, 2014, 08:47:09 am
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on March 17, 2014, 09:42:05 am
Bugger, my phone's disappeared. I left it in airplane mode.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on March 20, 2014, 06:07:53 pm
How much does a hipster weigh?



An instagram.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on March 27, 2014, 10:00:22 am
Loads of science puns here - fill yer boots...

http://www.popsci.com/article/science/neutrino-walks-through-bar-and-more-science-jokes-twitter (http://www.popsci.com/article/science/neutrino-walks-through-bar-and-more-science-jokes-twitter)

My favourite is "There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary. And those who don't"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: mrjonathanr on March 27, 2014, 04:47:20 pm
My favourite was Joe Picalli's retort on hearing someone say "there are two etc..."

"Yes there are those who think there are two kinds of people; and those who don't"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Dave Flanagan on March 27, 2014, 07:39:59 pm
I apologize in advance for the appalling use of racial and religious stereotypes in the following story

I'll put it in as a quote and reduce the chance of me getting branded as some sort of bigot


Quote from: not me
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.

He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows its a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.

He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He wont say what it is but wants Father Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.

He brings Father Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

Well, says the priest, its pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.

No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.

Well, Father Flannagan says, its certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But its not for me to say its a miracle. Ill report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round to interview you, take photos, etc.

An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. It reads:

"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphys room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted  from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."


You spelt Flanagan wrong.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on March 27, 2014, 08:04:48 pm
@RobinFlavell: I might open a shop called Pi. I don't know what it would sell but it would be open 22/7.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on March 31, 2014, 10:06:44 am
I guess Gwyneth Paltrow finally got around to listening to some recent Coldplay albums
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Dexter on March 31, 2014, 10:17:17 am
@RobinFlavell: I might open a shop called Pi. I don't know what it would sell but it would be open 22/7.

give or take a little bit  :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Lund on April 17, 2014, 03:18:15 pm
Knock knock

Who's there?

BANG
BANG BANG BANG

It's oscar

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on April 21, 2014, 03:01:55 pm
If you get offended by fat jokes, you need to lighten up!

(possibly a repeat)

What's got one head, 4 arms and 2 legs? Oscar Pistorius ant Rita Steenkamp.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on April 28, 2014, 01:21:18 pm
I have just submitted my Jimmy Savile damages claim form;

It was on Thursday 8th July 1977 when he traumatised me, by suddenly appearing on screen as I was having a wank to Pans People.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: rich d on May 16, 2014, 10:55:34 am
James and Sarah were good Christians and loved each other deeply.
 On their wedding day a terrible accident occurred and they died standing on the steps of the alter before either of them had finished their vows.
 Being good Christians they ascended to the Pearly Gates and there they saw St Peter waiting to greet them.
 However the unhappy couple were ... unhappy... and asked St Peter if they could finish getting married before entering Heaven as they wanted to spend eternity as a married couple.
 St Peter scratched his head and went off into heaven looking worried.
 After 2 months St Peter returned to the patient couple, bringing with him a qualified priest of their chosen denomination and the couple were promptly married.
 James and Sarah entered Heaven as a married couple.
 Unfortunately things did not go well for them and after a while they realised that married life - even in Heaven - was not for them and they agreed that to enjoy Paradise they needed to get a divorce and go their separate ways.
 Together they went to see St Peter and explained their situation and asked if they could get a divorce in Heaven.
 St Peter groaned aloud and was obviously in some distress at this request.
 James asked him what was upsetting him so much.
 St Peter replied...
 "You know how long it took to find a priest in Heaven - finding a lawyer is going to take forever!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on May 16, 2014, 01:25:08 pm
That's good.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: rich d on May 16, 2014, 01:43:43 pm
That's good.
James and Sarah were good Christians and loved each other deeply.
 On their wedding day a terrible accident occurred and they died standing on the steps of the alter before either of them had finished their vows.
 Being good Christians they ascended to the Pearly Gates and there they saw St Peter waiting to greet them.
 However the unhappy couple were ... unhappy... and asked St Peter if they could finish getting married before entering Heaven as they wanted to spend eternity as a married couple.
 St Peter scratched his head and went off into heaven looking worried.
 After 2 months St Peter returned to the patient couple, bringing with him a qualified priest of their chosen denomination and the couple were promptly married.
 James and Sarah entered Heaven as a married couple.
 Unfortunately things did not go well for them and after a while they realised that married life - even in Heaven -was expensive. Worried together they went to see St Peter and explained their situation and asked if they could get some help in Heaven.
 St Peter groaned aloud and was obviously in some distress at this request.
 James asked him what was upsetting him so much.
 St Peter replied...
 "You know how long it took to find a priest in Heaven - finding an accountant is going to take forever!"

There you go Jasper just for you, your very own version.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on May 16, 2014, 01:46:59 pm
Ha ha! Cheers.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tregiffian on May 16, 2014, 03:24:41 pm
The chemist not only offered contraceptive advice but also low price vasectomy. Looked like a snip to me.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on May 16, 2014, 03:30:30 pm
The chemist not only offered contraceptive advice but also low price vasectomy. Looked like a snip to me.

A cut above the rest.. in the face of some stiff competition.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on May 16, 2014, 03:31:06 pm
Anyway - a real life joke.

:D

http://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/island-fake-bear-grylls-show-3548495 (http://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/island-fake-bear-grylls-show-3548495)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on May 16, 2014, 04:01:53 pm
Knock knock.

Who's there?

Bear Grylls.

Fuck off you cunt.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: jern on May 17, 2014, 10:27:04 am
I've been reading this book about Stockholm Syndrome. I hated it at first, but now I'm starting to really like it.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on May 27, 2014, 12:33:52 pm
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: James Malloch on June 09, 2014, 12:07:27 pm
A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage.

"No", replies the photon, "I'm travelling light".
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on June 16, 2014, 11:27:21 pm
There's a guy who works down the prosthetics shop - that swears he's a pelvis.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Fultonius on July 04, 2014, 09:34:24 am
How much does a hipster weigh?








An instagram.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: grumpycrumpy on August 13, 2014, 10:35:58 pm
I was walking through a churchyard the other morning when I noticed a bloke crouching behind a gravestone .......

'Morning' I said ..........

'No, he replied, just having a crap' .......
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on August 15, 2014, 10:08:18 pm
New Vatican blessed Super Heroine!

Our Lady of the EU!

With wrist mounted water cannon (for quelling Euro zone riots).

(http://img.tapatalk.com/d/14/08/16/ra8uru9a.jpg)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dr_botnik on August 15, 2014, 10:31:16 pm
Police have removed a large amount of material from a house belonging to Cliff Richard.

Finger's crossed it's just child pr0n and not another album.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on August 17, 2014, 10:38:20 am
I just bought a load of Harry Potters DVD's from the pound shop.

They were only a Quidditch.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dr_botnik on August 18, 2014, 09:17:55 am
Do you know the difference between a lentil and a chickpea bruv?

A: I don't pay 100 to have a lentil on my face!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on August 26, 2014, 08:46:40 pm
A moral dilema, you're out taking photos of surfers in Cornwall and you see David Cameron getting swept out to see on a vicious rip, you need to decide what to do, do you rummage around in your bag for your mobile or do you take the shot, probably the biggest shot of your life, the last moments of the Prime Minister.

You need to think and think carefully before answering:
.
.
.

.
.
.
.

.
.
.

.
.
.

.

Do you go for colour or a moody black and white shot?

(apologies to anyone else who heard the root of this joke on R4 this evening, although I'm sure it was originally ripped off from C0ckfax)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Palomides on August 27, 2014, 08:58:46 am
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar

followed by Batman
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on August 27, 2014, 09:05:56 am
That's good - though the way I sing it there should be a d in front...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: a dense loner on August 27, 2014, 09:36:43 am
I don't get it?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on August 27, 2014, 10:29:51 am

I don't get it?

Na,
me neither....
;)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on August 27, 2014, 10:34:38 am
I don't get it?

Do you like Bananarama? If so - think about what they say before 'Hey hey hey, Goodbye'....
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jim on August 27, 2014, 10:48:32 am
thank god for that, I thought I was just stupid. Still don't get it
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on August 27, 2014, 11:07:02 am
Bananarama fan? If so think what they said before "Hey hey, goodbye"...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on August 27, 2014, 11:54:09 am

That's good - though the way I sing it there should be a d in front...

You could alternate sets of Dysprosium and Sodium...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: a dense loner on August 27, 2014, 11:59:42 am
Why would I know a bananarama song I'm 42 and have a penis
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Lund on August 27, 2014, 01:16:35 pm
Why would I know a bananarama song I'm 42 and have a penis

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Funniest thing on the page

NOW WILL SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THE OTHER JOKE
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on August 27, 2014, 01:25:09 pm
I'm presuming it's something to do with nananananananananananananananana... batman.

It ain't funny whatever the explanation  :P
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Lund on August 27, 2014, 01:55:37 pm
I'm presuming it's something to do with nananananananananananananananana... batman.

It ain't funny whatever the explanation  :P

Thanks.

Least fucking funny thing since "what's brown and sticky".

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Duma on August 27, 2014, 03:22:31 pm
I thought it was pretty funny



but then I didn't need it explaining to me
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on August 27, 2014, 04:08:09 pm
(http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/na.png)

(I had to google katamari damacy).
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: shark on August 28, 2014, 11:23:40 am
I thought it was pretty funny



but then I didn't need it explaining to me


 ;D
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: sherlock on September 02, 2014, 09:52:21 am


What's the difference between a lentil and a chick pea?

You wouldn't pay 100 to have a lentil on your face.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: BobbyBear on September 08, 2014, 02:01:39 pm
http://www.27bslash6.com/p2p2.html (http://www.27bslash6.com/p2p2.html)

Quality... :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dr_botnik on September 15, 2014, 09:51:49 pm
Roses are red
Violets are glorious
Never sneak up
On Oscar Pistorius
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on September 15, 2014, 10:27:15 pm
Roses are red
Violets are glorious
Never sneak up
On Oscar Pistorius
Violets are blue, roses are red, I may have no legs but where is your head.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on October 23, 2014, 01:20:16 pm
(http://tapatalk.imageshack.com/v2/14/10/23/c8728bf66dca91e9a19455c80ef0c5ba.jpg)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Ru on October 23, 2014, 01:59:38 pm
Always wondered under what circumstances the brain would be in a jar *before* the autopsy.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on October 23, 2014, 02:03:32 pm
Because it's not true?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on October 23, 2014, 03:16:29 pm

Always wondered under what circumstances the brain would be in a jar *before* the autopsy.

I'd heard it before, with a slightly different "because his head was in a separate body bag", punch line...
 
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on October 23, 2014, 05:12:55 pm
What's the difference between 1. a collision involving a dog and a car and 2. a car and a lawyer.

In the case of 1 there are skid marks on the road.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: psychomansam on October 23, 2014, 07:39:47 pm
If God sent the AIDS virus because of his hatred of homosexuality, then it's pretty obvious with the Ebola virus he's not too keen on blacks either.

Q. What can be worse than sitting in your bathroom realising you've got ebola?
A.  Dating Oscar Pistorius
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on October 23, 2014, 07:45:15 pm
Sam, the first line should shurely be prefixed by 'I'm not a racist but', or is it OK if you tell jokes which you'd scream racist at if someone else told them?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on October 23, 2014, 08:02:50 pm

If God sent the AIDS virus because of his hatred of homosexuality, then it's pretty obvious with the Ebola virus he's not too keen on blacks either.

Q. What can be worse than sitting in your bathroom realising you've got ebola?
A.  Dating Oscar Pistorius

Proof that God (imaginary as he is) is just an utter wanker.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: psychomansam on October 23, 2014, 08:21:27 pm
Sam, the first line should shurely be prefixed by 'I'm not a racist but', or is it OK if you tell jokes which you'd scream racist at if someone else told them?

Jesus titty-fucking Christ.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on October 23, 2014, 08:33:29 pm
That was funnier than your last contribution and without the strong hint of racism, well done.

Time to put PaulyDB's collection of DVDs away.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tommytwotone on October 23, 2014, 09:40:18 pm
What's the difference between 1. a collision involving a dog and a car and 2. a car and a lawyer.

In the case of 1 there are skid marks on the road.


I thought it was that you'd swerve to *avoid* the dog.

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on October 24, 2014, 11:26:02 am
Variation on a theme.

A gentleman of Pakistani heritage, an Irishman and a Jew walk into a bar . . . what a wonderful example of multiculturalism in action.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Milford Cubicle on October 24, 2014, 12:23:19 pm
I got arrested today for chasing down a black guy in my car, beating the shit out of him, then lying to the authorities by saying that he attacked me first.

I've been charged with impersonating a police officer.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on October 24, 2014, 02:45:36 pm
I'll send that to my mates in the Police, I thik they'll find it genuinely amusing, I did.

Sarge, I've got two prisoners in for shoplifign from Wilcos?
All right, what have they stolen?
Well the chap's nicked a load of batterys and the woman has nicked a load of fire works.
Well charge him and let her off.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: lagerstarfish on January 19, 2015, 08:06:49 pm
Dyslexic Yorkshireman wears a cat flap
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on January 19, 2015, 08:39:25 pm
Did he also sell his soul to Santa?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on February 02, 2015, 09:52:53 pm
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B83tC7-CMAAbwYB.jpg:large)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on February 03, 2015, 05:00:16 pm
Don't that will only give Michael O'Leary an idea, laughing that'll be 5 please.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on February 04, 2015, 09:45:32 am
If only it were true....

http://www.theguardian.com/science/brain-flapping/2015/feb/04/scientists-pledge-to-increase-interference-with-the-church?CMP=share_btn_fb
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Milford Cubicle on February 06, 2015, 10:29:34 pm
I'd noticed there were no specialist record shops around that sold traditional Jewish music, so I proposed to open a chain of them and call it 'The Vinyl Solution
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: mrjonathanr on February 06, 2015, 10:46:48 pm
Inappropriate, unpleasant, distasteful.

Do you have the balls to let people know you're antisemitic face to face or is it just on the Internet?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on February 06, 2015, 11:58:56 pm
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.... Is that anti semetic?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: masonwoods101 on February 07, 2015, 08:53:24 am
Had to google it but yes that's funny....
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: mrjonathanr on February 07, 2015, 09:30:14 am
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.... Is that anti semetic?

No of course it isn't but you know that don't you?

The difference is that your joke is a nice little pun, made me smile, whereas the other reference finds amusement in the Nazis attempt to exterminate an entire race - " The Final Solution".

Now that is anti semitic.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on February 07, 2015, 10:58:06 am
Distasteful perhaps, not convinced its antisemitic. No more than cracking a Savile joke/pun makes you a paedo/necrophile.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on February 07, 2015, 11:08:52 am

Distasteful perhaps, not convinced its antisemitic. No more than cracking a Savile joke/pun makes you a paedo/necrophile.
Agree.
Possibly, more poorly thought through than malicious.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Milford Cubicle on February 07, 2015, 12:49:41 pm
Didn't think the joke was particularly bad, apologies for any offense caused.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: mrjonathanr on February 07, 2015, 01:06:54 pm
If that's sincere, accepted.

Speaking as someone who had family transported to Auschwitz I find a joke which derives its humour from a belittling comparison of The Holocaust to record shopping unacceptable. Others on here may take a different view.

You may want to educate yourself further:

http://www.ushmm.org/outreach/en/article.php?ModuleId=10007704 (http://www.ushmm.org/outreach/en/article.php?ModuleId=10007704)

Jon
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: mrjonathanr on February 07, 2015, 01:10:33 pm
not convinced.. cracking a Savile joke/pun makes you a paedo/necrophile.

Of course not, but I wasn't suggesting he was actually a member of the Waffen SS: it's a matter of the views held and  judgment of that is a matter of nuance.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on February 07, 2015, 03:14:36 pm
For me it teetered on the wrong side of acceptable - because it refers to something horrific.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: dave on February 07, 2015, 03:41:17 pm
So if I said "what's Boko Haram's favourite. TV show? Men Behaving Jihadly" is that belittling the tens of thousands who have died as a result of modern Islamic fundamentalist terrorism?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on February 07, 2015, 03:54:37 pm
There's nothing wrong with making a joke about anything. There's also nothing wrong with someone being offended when the joke is too near the knuckle for them due to personal circumstance. Doesn't mean you shouldn't make the joke.

For me it teetered on the wrong side of acceptable - because it refers to something horrific.


Have you really never found a gag about something horrific funny tomtom?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on February 07, 2015, 03:56:09 pm
Yeah that's close to the limit and if you were in Nigeria it would be very very bad... As would the first Jewish joke if we were in Germany. Context and location change the 'severity'... And by that logic we are (being in Europe) closer to the first joke than your one...

Sorry if I'm misunderstood here - satire and this type of joke are important - and I felt the first one was close to but the wrong side of the line. IMHO etc.. Hope that doesn't make noncesense...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on February 07, 2015, 03:59:17 pm

There's nothing wrong with making a joke about anything. There's also nothing wrong with someone being offended when the joke is too near the knuckle for them due to personal circumstance. Doesn't mean you shouldn't make the joke.

For me it teetered on the wrong side of acceptable - because it refers to something horrific.


Have you really never found a gag about something horrific funny tomtom?

Yes of course. But possibly a public forum is not the best place...

I dunno - I was resoundingly given a PC lesson by some friends recently after making a joke that was in retrospect out of turn - and it's made me re think what I do quite a bit...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Jaspersharpe on February 07, 2015, 04:07:45 pm
Fuck that. Get new friends.  ;)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on February 07, 2015, 04:18:22 pm
I find our societal want for outrage a little wearing.

I find a groan worthy pun, even one referencing such horror, to be of little consequence.

Laughing in the face of evil is, after all, quite the opposite of condoning it.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Will Hunt on February 07, 2015, 04:19:38 pm
If comedy is not allowed to offend then it would probably cease to exist. Obviously some things are more ubiquitously offensive than others; but if a comedian gets the balance wrong then they just become Chubby Brown or Jim Davidson and people stop laughing.

In this case, I didn't really find it funny. Two reasons: foremost, it just wasn't that funny; secondly, the subject matter is just too grim for me - if you're going to make a joke about the holocaust then you're going to have to somehow make it utterly fucking hilarious (not really sure how you'd do that) to overcome the offence factor.

That said, you all have the right to offend me, it's part of my right to offend you back  :)


Tomtom, I implore you to tell the joke here so that we may judge it on its merits.
Title: only joking
Post by: tomtom on February 07, 2015, 04:28:08 pm
Fuck that. Get new friends.  ;)

:D

Will - no chance.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: drdeath on February 07, 2015, 05:16:49 pm
Yeah, have to say I found it offensive...


You see, I had a great-uncle who died in a concentration camp...




He got drunk and fell out of his watch-tower.



Too soon?


 :sorry:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Will Hunt on February 07, 2015, 05:20:22 pm
Have to say I did laugh at that one!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: GCW on February 09, 2015, 09:50:01 am
Just as an aside, Vinyl Solution was in fact a record label years ago.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: rginns on February 09, 2015, 11:02:14 am
. Hope that doesn't make noncesense...
Good Day Today reference slipped in there! :D
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on February 09, 2015, 11:07:05 am
. Hope that doesn't make noncesense...
Good Day Today reference slipped in there! :D

;)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on February 09, 2015, 11:08:22 am
Good Day Today Brass Eye reference slipped in there! :D

Brass Eye clip from 2001 Pedo Special (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NesjvRihbEg#)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: mark20 on February 09, 2015, 11:11:34 am
a termite walks into a bar, "excuse me, is the bar tender here?"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: pabs on February 10, 2015, 10:54:47 am
Just as an aside, Vinyl Solution was in fact a record label years ago.

Actually started off as a record shop in Portobello Road and a good one too. Don't know if the name was regarded as being in bad taste at the time.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on February 10, 2015, 11:32:18 am
Distasteful perhaps, not convinced its antisemitic. No more than cracking a Savile joke/pun makes you a paedo/necrophile.

Distasteful, certainly.
Antisemitic, with a very high degree of probability. The sole purpose is, I would suggest to cause grave offence and diminish the horror of the holocaust.
Funny, not at all.

People make jokes about all sots of horrible things as a way of coping with the unpleasantness of the event but there is, I think we all recognise a difference about a joke / comment with this objective and joke / comment which is intended to glorify the horror/taboo.

For example there's a 'joke' going around along the lines of 'you can do anything with statistics, take gang rape, 9 out of 10 people enjoy it'.  Can you imagine the reaction if a public figure made that 'joke' in public.  I don't think it would be well received.

That said, there's no right not to be offended and comedy should not be subject to the blue pencil or Lord Chamberlain's prejudices: however the caveat is if you tell racist, homophobic, antisemitic 'jokes' then you deserve being catergoised as a racist etc.

Did you hear the one about the jew, the black chap and the lesbian going into a bar?  what a wonderful example of an inclusive multicultural society.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on March 03, 2015, 08:41:57 am
Hi Guys, how's it going? I went to this thing called Fight Club the other day. I arrived a bit late, but it was brilliant. Anyway, have you guys ever been to Fight Club? I think Fight CLub is the best thing ever and I stronly recommend Fight Club if you want to be in a club for fighting. Message me or post here if you want to talk about Fight Club.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on March 03, 2015, 08:43:44 am
The first rule of Robot Fight Club is you do not talk about Robot Fight Club. The second rule of Robot Fight Club is you DO NOT talk about Robot Fight Club. Oh no, hang on, the second rule of Robot Fight Club is no smoking.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: psychomansam on March 03, 2015, 09:38:31 am
What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple? ... rape
What runs along walls and kills Jews? (I'll leave that unanswered. Google it if you like.)
How do you make a Gypsy sweat? Give him a mortgage.
What's the main cause of paedophilia? Sexy kids!

Option 1) I'm a misogynistic, antisemitic, gypsy-hating paedophile.
Option 2) I believe in equal rights for all and that we need to use more resources to combat rape culturally and legally as a priority. I regularly educate people on the causes of the holocaust including flawed human nature, ignorance and a long-lasting antisemitic culture throughout Europe including the UK, pointing out examples of how this goes on today. I am a vocal advocate of Roma/gypsy rights, believe this country has an widespread and disgusting prejudice against them and that cental government and councils are failing in their duty to respect their human rights. I am an ethicist with a complex and progressive view of how to deal with the horrendous problem of paedophilia. I believe that jokes can be used to start a discussion, make a point, highlight issues and provide a more palatable way in to difficult topics. I believe they are invaluable for testing and refining our thoughts, concepts and norms and for highlighting subjectivities. I believe they are a powerful tool that can be used well or otherwise depending on the intention and the audience. I believe they are an incredibly important part of free speech and should be protected, even at dear cost.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on March 03, 2015, 10:33:06 am
wheres the punchline in option 2? ;)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on March 03, 2015, 11:25:26 am
Option 3) You're a moron.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: abarro81 on March 03, 2015, 12:08:50 pm
I thought the original joke was fine, albeit it's probably one for use in private more than in public. It made me smile in a man-that's-a-shit-pun kinda way, like most jokes on here.  It might be tasteless, but it's hardly anti-semitic.
I liked Dr Death's one.

What's better than winning the paralympics?
Having legs.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: psychomansam on March 03, 2015, 12:29:21 pm
Option 3) You're a moron.

At least I'm not as sick and moronic as Frankie Boyle. http://www.frankieboyle.com/frankie/free-speech.html (http://www.frankieboyle.com/frankie/free-speech.html)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on March 03, 2015, 01:01:24 pm
I expect you'll be holding out Jim Davidson and Roy Chubby Brown as class heros in the vanguard of the struggle for equality and diversity?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: butters on March 03, 2015, 08:28:44 pm
What do you call two crows sitting on a branch?

Attempted murder...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on March 03, 2015, 08:48:09 pm
OK, I get the joke re the reference to collective corvids, but the attempted bit has me utterly lost.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on March 03, 2015, 09:05:06 pm

OK, I get the joke re the reference to collective corvids, but the attempted bit has me utterly lost.

Well two's not exactly a Murder is it?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: webbo on March 04, 2015, 06:36:02 pm
Did you hear that Blind football where they play with a ball that has a bell in it, is now banned. Apparently a Morris dancer got kicked to death.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: psychomansam on March 04, 2015, 11:53:59 pm
Did you hear that Blind football where they play with a ball that has a bell in it, is now banned. Apparently a Morris dancer got kicked to death.

The wording's too clumsy and dulls the impact I think...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: webbo on March 05, 2015, 07:25:47 am
Sorry my mistake,I didn't realise I'd posted in the grammar,punctuation thread.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on March 05, 2015, 08:06:33 am

Did you hear that Blind football where they play with a ball that has a bell in it, is now banned. Apparently a Morris dancer got kicked to death.

The wording's too clumsy and dulls the impact I think...

Do you mean, it didn't ring true....?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on March 05, 2015, 10:08:33 am


Did you hear that Blind football where they play with a ball that has a bell in it, is now banned. Apparently a Morris dancer got kicked to death.

The wording's too clumsy and dulls the impact I think...

Do you mean, it didn't ring true....?

You should have seen that coming Webbo.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: nik at work on March 05, 2015, 10:15:49 am
Surely you mean heard?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on March 05, 2015, 10:31:06 am
No that's cows.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on March 05, 2015, 11:08:18 am
What, the place on the Isle of White?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Fultonius on March 05, 2015, 11:14:18 am
What, the place on the Isle of White?

You're just taking us for a Ryde.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on March 05, 2015, 11:21:12 am
What, the place on the Isle of White?

You're just taking us for a Ryde.

With Shanklin Stevens?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on March 05, 2015, 11:22:45 am
This thread is making me want to stick needles in my eyes.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on March 05, 2015, 11:23:47 am
This thread is making me want to stick needles in my eyes.

That chines with my view too..
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: fatneck on March 05, 2015, 11:24:43 am
Bring back idol eyes...  :slap:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on March 05, 2015, 11:27:04 am
So lent, what are you giving up?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on March 05, 2015, 11:27:47 am
Freshwater.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Sloper on March 05, 2015, 11:46:29 am
The Solent is brine.

Tidy
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on March 05, 2015, 11:49:21 am
The Solent is brine.

Tidy

I thought you were Irish not Welsh?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on March 05, 2015, 11:57:13 am
We've reached the Lymington of good taste now, guys...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on March 05, 2015, 12:02:15 pm
Most Alum-inating..
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: andy_e on March 05, 2015, 01:42:39 pm
Shut yarmouth Matt.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Will Hunt on April 30, 2015, 01:22:04 pm
My fetish is doing a poo whilst you bend over in front of me and tie your shoelaces.

I shit you knot.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tc on June 01, 2015, 02:58:27 pm
I was in hospital last week. I asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches. She said suture self

In Iran, everyones scared of spiders. But in Iraq no phobia.

Marvin Gaye kept a sheep in his vineyard. Hed herd it through the grapevine
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: 36chambers on June 01, 2015, 04:24:00 pm
My fetish is doing a poo whilst you bend over in front of me and tie your shoelaces.

I shit you knot.

An alternative version:

I've got a new party trick in which I can swollen two pieces of string and when they come out the other side they are neatly tied together.

Honestly, I shit you knot.


On a completely unrelated note.

I saw a Farmer driving his tractor down the middle of the street, yelling and screaming about the world coming to an end.

it must have been Farmer Geddon.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: a dense loner on June 01, 2015, 07:49:39 pm
These last few have been so bad I may use them!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tc on July 15, 2015, 01:12:01 pm
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: horn on July 17, 2015, 11:55:38 am
I was cooking dinner last night and I managed to get loads of herbs in my eyes.

Didn't blind me, but I'm now parsley sighted.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on August 11, 2015, 01:56:42 pm
Our Cilla' has died and gone to Heaven, so she's 'God's Cilla' now.

Expect her to be attacking Tokyo in the upcoming weeks.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: willackers on August 11, 2015, 02:29:48 pm
https://www.facebook.com/BigRobsJokePage/photos/a.817279951668435.1073741825.352714341458334/993439674052461/?type=1&theater

Not sure if the FB link will work, but this is nearly as bad as that last Cilla joke.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Giles F on August 12, 2015, 01:41:20 pm
A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, he asks the barman for two pints, after the obvious questions he agrees, over the course of the evening they both consume far too much, as closing time drawers near the man rises unsteadily, the giraffe is on the floor, much the worse for wear, the man slurs, 'reet, ahm offf now', the barman says, 'hang on, you can't leave that lyin' there!', the man says, ' that's not a lion, it's a giraffe...'
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on December 09, 2015, 11:55:36 am
Donald Trump pulls out of golf course development in Argyll, citing fears about the radical Mullah Kintyre (https://twitter.com/tim_a_roberts/status/674345999998066688)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Johnny Brown on January 06, 2016, 01:28:28 pm
(http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/wanna-play-the-rape-game.jpg)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on May 05, 2016, 10:01:00 am
What did James Watson and Francis Crick discover?









Rosalind Franklin's notes


Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Duma on May 05, 2016, 10:30:43 am
Very good!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on May 09, 2016, 10:56:19 am
Rock climbers enjoyed excellent weekend of gruelling misery (http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/rock-climbers-have-excellent-weekend-of-gruelling-misery-20160509108686)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: cowboyhat on May 09, 2016, 03:36:48 pm
Rock climbers enjoyed excellent weekend of gruelling misery (http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/rock-climbers-have-excellent-weekend-of-gruelling-misery-20160509108686)

I said some of this almost verbatim this morning when asked about my weekend.

Judging by my colleagues the alternative appears to be eating crisps and watching x factor.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: 36chambers on May 11, 2016, 12:40:04 pm
Rock climbers enjoyed excellent weekend of gruelling misery (http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/rock-climbers-have-excellent-weekend-of-gruelling-misery-20160509108686)

I said some of this almost verbatim this morning when asked about my weekend.

Judging by my colleagues the alternative appears to be eating crisps and watching x factor.

I have the same discussion every Monday morning,

Colleague: Get up to much this weekend?
Me: Same as always, climbing on both days. Yourself?
Colleague: You know, the usual, Netflix...

No joke, she's claimed to have watched an entire series in one sitting!
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Coops_13 on May 11, 2016, 12:53:12 pm
Rock climbers enjoyed excellent weekend of gruelling misery (http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/rock-climbers-have-excellent-weekend-of-gruelling-misery-20160509108686)

I said some of this almost verbatim this morning when asked about my weekend.

Judging by my colleagues the alternative appears to be eating crisps and watching x factor.

I have the same discussion every Monday morning,

Colleague: Get up to much this weekend?
Me: Same as always, climbing on both days. Yourself?
Colleague: You know, the usual, Netflix...

No joke, she's claimed to have watched an entire series in one sitting!
I just feel more smug having spent my money on petrol driving North to a crag, occasionally achieving a tick which I can add to my logbook.  :) Rather than on a night out in London, achieving a headache and a wasted day
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on May 11, 2016, 07:35:55 pm
http://climbercoollist.blogspot.co.uk/p/list-2.html?m=1


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Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on June 17, 2016, 01:28:20 pm
(http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160617/8c27eab6b5c3baeb3a86c938135833a2.jpg)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on June 21, 2016, 05:12:41 pm
(http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160621/23d9bbbc0c433b86824da85f7fee8beb.jpg)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on July 06, 2016, 07:13:55 pm
Why Dads should not be allowed to go to school prize givings...

(http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160706/84976f5652071c48fb8feaa853041ef7.jpg)

(http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160706/630e1ffb56e5f1a43a1ab51372ee185f.jpg)

(http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160706/5a385871d731efc1f1c727d83877aecb.jpg)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on July 07, 2016, 09:23:47 pm
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Seora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban, he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife increasingly agitated:
"Oh he did did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Seora......."
"The gardener did."
Wife: "So........FUCK !!........ OK,.........how much do you want?"


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Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Wood FT on July 20, 2016, 03:04:55 pm
An Ice Cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands, Police are saying he topped himself
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on November 06, 2016, 10:37:05 pm
That friend who just loves to improvise...

And just doesn't get why he scares people.

(http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20161106/420ecb79e69adf758c09055309ad7d3b.jpg)


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on November 12, 2016, 06:11:55 pm
[emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1349][emoji1579][emoji316]


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: slackline on November 12, 2016, 07:12:10 pm
NSFW  :
(https://i.imgur.com/kuNFgRr.jpg)

Showed this to my wife, her response...

"That does look really badly swollen"  :slap: :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on November 16, 2016, 04:11:31 pm
Just saw this on VDiff...

(http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20161116/922b18e20cdbbbc5fa82f4c249faaedb.png)

Quite accurate, except Dartmoor Granite is off the scale to the right.


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Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on November 23, 2016, 08:00:42 pm
The ultimate no-hands rest?

Stand on a cloud!

(http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20161123/faec51cf2ebf0e8f347a55a0f6b21cc0.jpg)


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Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on November 28, 2016, 08:24:14 am
(http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20161128/ce69c371796a35193e4242027f1c0f2a.jpg)


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on December 05, 2016, 10:13:59 pm
(http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20161205/98b4223fd3c5d37ad31a52c66f35b5e1.jpg)

[emoji13]


All posts either sarcastic, tongue-in-cheek or mildly mocking-in-a-friendly-way unless otherwise stated. I always forget to put those smiley things...
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tregiffian on December 16, 2016, 05:58:15 pm
We only have the one child said Gerald. Jackie didn't like it. She screamed all the way through.  And that was just the conception.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Nibile on April 11, 2017, 02:53:06 pm
At the doctor's.
Doctor: "You should stop masturbating."
Patient: "Why?"
Doctor: "Because I'm visiting you."
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: fatneck on April 11, 2017, 03:23:46 pm
 :lol:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tregiffian on July 25, 2017, 02:29:31 am
Lady goes into the haberdashers (this is a 1920`s joke) and asks brightly
"Am I in the right place to get felt?"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on July 25, 2017, 01:58:07 pm
A women walks into a bar and says "I'd like a double entendre please"

So the barman gave her one.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: tomtom on July 25, 2017, 07:52:01 pm
I had an X-ray earlier today - and they found six plastic horses in my rectum. The doctor described my situation as stable.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Fultonius on July 25, 2017, 08:58:46 pm
Did they warn you not to engage in any further horse play?
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mike Tyson on November 27, 2017, 09:58:54 pm
Saw a bloke at the beach the other day snogging a shell, so I asked him "what you doing?!"
 
He said "I've pulled a mussel!"
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mike Tyson on November 27, 2017, 10:11:08 pm
Where do you take pies to be weighed?





Somewhere over the rainbow......




 
Weigh a pie.....
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: mrjonathanr on November 27, 2017, 10:41:50 pm
That'll be Wigan then.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mike Tyson on February 17, 2018, 09:54:45 am
Why was the Moon board sad?

It had so many problems.......  :sorry: :tumble: :tease:
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mike Tyson on March 10, 2018, 01:29:28 am
I was in Waterstones today.

The lady in the shop said, "Can I help sir"

Yes I replied, "I'm looking for a book about a bloke with a small penis"

"I'll see if it's in", she replied.

"That's the one" I said

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on July 14, 2018, 08:44:19 am
(https://image.ibb.co/gFiSmo/28_A3_F136_5_BD1_4_B98_8720_6_FC08716_CBBC.jpg)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on December 19, 2018, 09:19:24 pm
For reference.

Dark green = live, drill is blue (US).

(https://i.ibb.co/hKjLnGS/1-ED4-A9-D4-A02-B-481-B-8-D0-A-3-DB3-C79-FC7-EE.jpg)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Mike Tyson on January 13, 2019, 11:36:51 am
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in
Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they
could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good
value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: bigironhorse on December 20, 2020, 03:16:48 pm
Apologies in advance:

What is a boulderers favourite Christmas song?

NSFW  :
Gaud 8A
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: mrjonathanr on December 20, 2020, 11:14:09 pm
Whats mummys favourite Christmas carol?
Silent Night.

Daddy, daddy! Can I have a puppy for Christmas?
Really son? Have you gone off turkey?

Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on February 21, 2021, 09:00:35 am
Morning.
Stormy Sunday morning lie in, destroyed by excited collie, too smart for her own good (worked out how to open the stair gate), leaping onto my sleeping form, with slobbering  tongue and cold wet nose. I will be the only human awake in the house for a good few hours yet (yes, this finally happens when they cross the threshold into Teenager. So, like the idiots we are, we replaced  them with friggin puppies).
Anyway, this cheered me up:

 https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/fran-lebowitzs-one-star-amazon-reviews?utm_campaign=falcon&utm_social-type=owned&utm_medium=social&utm_brand=tny&mbid=social_facebook&utm_source=facebook&fbclid=IwAR2-BtQc1zw33A4JPLC8e68KqFagXEenAu1aBC-kVCLD_EG4qyWvQCS8iJY (https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/fran-lebowitzs-one-star-amazon-reviews?utm_campaign=falcon&utm_social-type=owned&utm_medium=social&utm_brand=tny&mbid=social_facebook&utm_source=facebook&fbclid=IwAR2-BtQc1zw33A4JPLC8e68KqFagXEenAu1aBC-kVCLD_EG4qyWvQCS8iJY)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on February 21, 2021, 06:54:32 pm
I had to continue this tale.
You see, the Collies name is Storm.
She put me in A&E, most of this afternoon.
Sweet as a lamb at home and a candidate for K9 Mensa, she cannot be around other dogs (except ours) she just goes nuts.
So, if she comes out with us, shes on the lead, muzzled and with booties on front paws (because there isnt a muzzle made she cant get off with those paws).
Anyway, I must have let the lead twist around my finger, because she saw another dog (3x her size) on the beach and lunged in its direction. This neatly dislocated the Distal Phalanges of my right pinky, at the DIP.
I didnt immediately realise, what with chasing down a newly freed Collie, somehow achieved recall and got control of her.
NO.4 child (youngest daughter) came legging over to help, just as I noticed my finger.
Tip sticking out 90⁰ from the rest, straight at the adjacent ring finger. Cue NO.4 retching and heaving and me suddenly feeling the pain.
I grabbed it and yanked it a little too hard, snapping it back into place with a distressingly loud crack. This prompted NO.4 to actually spit a little over her lunch and the recently arrived NO.1 to join the retching.

So, off we toddle home, drop kids and dogs and nip down for a bit of TLC at Torbay minor injuries.
Every time I went to explain what was wrong, first at reception, then Triage, then the Nurse Practitioner, I would get as far as holding out my hand and saying I think I might...; at which point they all turned their heads away and said Eww!
The student Radiographers face was the best.

Get home. Make a cup of tea, piss off to bedroom to watch a movie (its somebody elses turn to do the roast (best bit about teenagers)).

Storm, is stressed, though. This isnt unusual, sometimes shell take a couple of hours to settle after an incident, especially if she has been told off, that could be as mild as a shouted What did you do! and shell hid under the stairs shaking. She has never been smacked or hit in anyway.

Next thing I know, I hear Polly loudly crying Stoooormm noooo!
The dog has squat and peed by the backdoor, full eye contact with Polly and no attempt to ask to go out.

Cue NO.3 with bucket and mop (she was assisting with roast).

Pee mopped up, NO.3 picks up bucket and goes to throw it into the drain outside back door.

Bucket handle snaps.

Cue flooded conservatory and all hands on deck to shift furniture, multiple tools and tool boxes, shelving units and a huge assortment of junk that was put in there, um, temporarily, some in now sodden cardboard boxes.

Muggins, of course dives in to help, only to snap his shiny new splint and be sent to sit on the stairs.

So. Anybody want a cute, loveable and incredibly intelligent, if tiny, Collie? One with the most apt name in the history of dogs?

(https://i.ibb.co/420pjPT/B09-EEE91-D272-4-BB9-8287-5-C9-D700863-C3.jpg)
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: SA Chris on February 22, 2021, 08:49:22 am
guessing meant to go here,

Joys of dog parenting!

https://ukbouldering.com/board/index.php/topic,5617.200.html
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: TobyD on February 27, 2021, 10:15:17 pm
This isn't strictly a joke, but noone can make shit like this up: 'man dies after being stabbed in the cock by his own cock'

BBC News - Indian man killed by his own rooster during cockfight
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-india-56224144
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: gollum on February 27, 2021, 10:29:39 pm
This isn't strictly a joke, but noone can make shit like this up: 'man dies after being stabbed in the cock by his own cock'

BBC News - Indian man killed by his own rooster during cockfight
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-india-56224144

Karma
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: mark20 on February 28, 2021, 11:26:42 am
This isn't strictly a joke, but noone can make shit like this up: 'man dies after being stabbed in the cock by his own cock'

BBC News - Indian man killed by his own rooster during cockfight
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-india-56224144

Karma

Chicken karma  ;D
Title: Re: only joking
Post by: Oldmanmatt on February 28, 2021, 09:25:38 pm
I think this gif is required by our overlord, for appropriately responding to those who dare the challenge the accepted rights and rituals of this arcane institution:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CLurAcIh9qD/?igshid=dk8unkw03dzf (https://www.instagram.com/reel/CLurAcIh9qD/?igshid=dk8unkw03dzf)
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