How do you make your granny's toes curl?
F**k her with her tights on.
NB I refuse to type out fuck in full where grannies are concerned.
Waddya call a man with cow shit on his head?
:thumbsdown:
Waddya call a man with cow shit on his head?
What do you call a man with a crown of cow shit on his head?
;D
:great:
Is that from a sketch?
:great:
Is that from a sketch?
What's the difference between a Ferrari Enzo and a pile of dead babies?
I haven't got a Ferrari Enzo in my garage.
A man walks into a talent agency. He says to the talent agent, “I’ve got an act I think you should see; it’s amazing. I want you to represent us.”
.....................................
The family cheers in unison, “The Aristocrats!”
...with every kind of fruit dangling from trees...
tony, hear this: im fucking naomi campbell!!!!!!
Translate that joke into perfect italian now or you're getting puntered. ;DIt was more a comment on Campbell than on Nib's English, which is not at fault.
Students surveying the sheep shagging habits of farmers around the UK. They have surveyed Wales and England and always get the same response. Their last stop is a remote area of Scotland. They survey a farmer and ask what his technique is. He says "Sheep's back feet in the wellies and front feet over my shoulders." The survey guys look puzzled and say "that's odd, every other farmer in the UK has said they put the back feet in the wellies and front feet over a wall".
"What?!?!!" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?"
A farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field full of dildos. Unfortunately he's having terrible trouble with squatters.
I'm in two minds as to whether I should post this as its somewhat tasteless, but what the hell....
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape
its not a joke so off topic but it is highly amusing - zoom in on the countries of europe (france is featured country) and click on icons to read a description. highly accurate...
http://www.theonion.com/content/atlas/ (http://www.theonion.com/content/atlas/)
Obviously, I haven't actually named a teddy bear in this way, or made money from such a sale.
I have, however, told a lie and put it forward as a joke - which is a wrong thing to do, apparently.
Was this diclaimer to avoid sentencing?
(http://slack.ser.man.ac.uk/files/cometomaddie.jpg)
The King of Saudi Arabia was talking to President Bush, he said, Can I ask you something personal?Did you see this actually happen on CNN? Or is it just a joke?
Sure, go ahead, Bush said.
The King whispered confidentially, One of my many sons watches your television show Star Trek. He sees women, Blacks, Russians, and Scots, but no Saudis. Why are there no Saudis in Star Trek?
Bush whispered back, Because it's set in the future.
'T would make a sterling avatar, chap.:lol: I meant "is the Bush/Saudi King conversation real?"
I've seen the full clip, it's real.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side.
a wonderful parody (our french employees particularly enjoyed it):
Dr T
Are you a fucking moron?
Dr TDear Houdini
Are you a fucking moron?
If you use words like racist to me again I'll hunt you down and request a less than quiet chat. You are treading on gossamer-thin ice my assumptive friend.
FUCK YOU!!
Now that's what I call a joke.
Please, I'm a pussy cat. You just rubbed my fr the wrongest way you could. Alas - I'm a fighter and a lover - apologies.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget!
A poor variation on Jasper's favorite joke
A poor variation on Jasper's favorite joke
No sound at work. Which joke?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbAJJ1mw9go
Where did you hear the orange head joke? Ive been telling that for years!
Two social workers meet at a conference and discover that they are both into bee-keeping.
One asks the other:
"How many bees do you keep?"
etc etc
can anyone name a famous jewish baker?
A; Adolf Hitler.
Don't listen to those philistines lagers, thats a top joke, here'e a similar one.
Man walks into a restaurant, the waiter comes over and asks what will it be sir. The man replies squid please! So he goes to the tank to pick one. In the corner he spies one, hiding away, it seems a bit green, with a hairy lip, but because he feels sorry for it he decides to eat it. Very good sir says the waiter, and trots off the kitchen to have it cooked. But all the chefs refuse too cook it tho. Look how small he is, we can't do it they say, until only Hans the dishwasher is left. Sensing his moment he steps up with a knife, but one look in that sad, inky black eye, leaves him in tears. I can't do it he wails running back to the dishes. The waiter sighs, and returns to the customer. Sorry sir you will have to make another choice because Hans that does dishes is as soft as your face with a mild green hairy lipped squid.
I think you may have forgotten that the chef was called "Gervais"
I think you may have forgotten that the chef was called "Gervais"
Que?
An online joke which made me laugh. Nice work.
Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"
Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her.
Maria had just gotten married, and being.................................
...............................blah blah ................................
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a
half!'
Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'
Whats the smellyest thing on the planet?Uranus?
Yeah, Or a dead Anchovies fanny living on Uranus...you should go far with a mind like yours,
ok, in the hope of revitalising this thread, one of Matt Saunders':
' A little guy walks past a biker's bar, full of bikes in the parking area, blaring rock music etc etc
He walks in, points dead centre of the bar and shouts:
'OI! ALL YOU ON THE LEFT-HAND SIDE OF THE BAR, YOU'RE BASTARDS!
AND ALL YOU ON THE RIGHT-HAND SIDE OF THE BAR, YOU'RE WANKERS!!
At this a very large , scary, hairy-arsed biker gets up and proclaims..
'I'm no WANKER!!!'
So he replies..........
'RIGHT!OVER THE LEFT-HAND SIDE OF THE BAR THEN!' '
Matt is still knockin' around Sheff; though since getting older, breaking his back, getting married and spending slightly less time with Joe Healey, he has mellowed somewhat.
I thought I'd caught swine flu this morning, I wope up covered in rashers.
I phoned the NHS helpline but all I could hear was crackling.
I thought I'd caught swine flu this morning, I wope up covered in rashers.
I phoned the NHS helpline but all I could hear was crackling.
I thought I'd caught swine flu this morning, I wope up covered in rashers.
I phoned the NHS helpline but all I could hear was crackling.
Fabien Mazuer?
I lost 5 kilos last week.
The makers of CSI have cancelled plans to do a Birkenhead special because nobody's got any teeth and they all have the same DNA.
The makers of CSI have cancelled plans to do a Birkenhead special because nobody's got any teeth and they all have the same DNA.
Just heard Tim Vine on '4 Stands Up' on the way home - really funny puntastic routine.
So Peter and Jordan have split up. Bet Harvey didn't see that one coming.
???
???
Where were you in the early-mid 90's hOUD?
This (http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html) is similar to the guy who tried to pay an outstanding pill with a picture of a spider with seven legs. :lol: :bow:
I love how that first hottie wanted to move to Spain, but send all of our immigrants home. Good solid choices
When I went to Lanzarote, I felt more English there than I do here, and thats no exaggeration.
When people say the BNP is a fascist party, what do you think?
Fascist I dont understand that word.
Think of Nazi Germany, or 1930s Italy.
I cant even remember when that happened really, but Im against them anyway.
Vice : How old are you?
Helen 19. Wait, no, 18. 19 next month.
Vice : But would it be possible to maybe come to a compromise with a noble race like the Chinese? Perhaps keep them on as a sort of servant class?
Helen Yeah. I wouldnt mind them if they actually worked and didnt take all of our jobs, basically. I wouldnt mind them if they contributed something to this country.
Are you just copying the comments at the bottom of the page, Slackers? :lol:
Deaf kid goes to the local disco... after busting his moves he approches the DJ and asks... "can you play disco bunny?", the DJ looks puzzled and replies that he has never heard of the song... "DISCO BUNNY, its really famouths", the DJ looks through his collection and shakes his head... "Disco Bunny,,, Cliff Richard", The DJ loses his rag and says, "how does it fucking go then, coz I never fucking heard it?" the boy starts to cry, and wimpers the song "Disco Bunny, How we don talk anymore!!!"
Hedgehogs, why can't they just share?
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"
Next time your on a train i dare you to do this!
1- Remove your lap top from its bag
2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully
3- Turn on
4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching
5- Turn on the Internet
6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer
7- Take a deep breath and open this site:
http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html (http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html)
8-Observe the facial expression of your neighboring passenger
:lol:
Whats black and got 8 legs?
the Jackson54
Reminds me of the scarecrow who has been nominated for the Nobel Prize. He was always out standing in his field.
? ? Don't get it.
If this is some reference to celebrity jungle I will have to smite you.
Its bad - referring to Price having to eat so many insects (bites referring to snacks I guess..).It's bad when you have to explain the joke.... now you have explained it, I still don't get it ;D
I am forced to watch the show by the missus, it is funny watching her eat insects though - 1 week later and she finally clicked 'I think the public might hate me'Why does your Mrs eat insects? Why may the public hate her?
:lol: I keep telling her the camera crew is round the Osbourne's and nobody is watching, but she insists on eating them - she says if they're good enough for that slapper Jordan, they're good enough for her...I am forced to watch the show by the missus, it is funny watching her eat insects though - 1 week later and she finally clicked 'I think the public might hate me'Why does your Mrs eat insects? Why may the public hate her?
I am forced to watch the show by the missus, it is funny watching her eat insects though - 1 week later and she finally clicked 'I think the public might hate me'Why does your Mrs eat insects? Why may the public hate her?
I heard a soundbite of Peter Andre backing the BBC's anti-bullying campaign the other day. How I laughed.I wonder if he was bullied himself?
Shouldn't it have been "on" instead of "in" as well?
That's gotta be the worst joke of the thread so far! :lol:
I wonder if he was bullied himself?
(http://www.iconeasy.com/icon/thumbnails/Emoticon/Shiny%20Smiley/Shame%20Icon.jpg) I'll get me coat....
The Timewaster Letters book is amazing.
A man goes to the zoo.
There was only a dog there.
It was a shitzu.
:lol: short jokes are the best I think.
That is comedy genius!
Here's another that I saw somewhere (possibly here?):
A friend of mine has a dog called Minton who has a thing about eating shuttle cocks,
Bad Minton!
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
Exam Answers (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1229099/Revealed-The-student-howlers-dumbed-exams-pupils.html)
Me neither.
You can always tell a Yorkshireman .....
But you can't tell him how much ......
You can always tell a Yorkshireman .....
But you can't tell him much ......
You can always tell a Yorkshireman .....
But you can't tell him much ......
I think you'll find it's "but he won't listen"
" what do Submarines and the French Navy have in common? Both are full of seamen and at the bottom of the sea!"
They were only year 8 - however old that is!
They were only year 8 - however old that is!
They were only year 8 - however old that is!
So they are old enough to know all about paedophilic rape and murder, but not about submarines? Is this a Scunthorpe joke?
Surely that's meant to refer to submarines? Be a pretty shit fleet if all vessels were at the bottom of the sea.
What do you call a hot gir with two cunts
N-Dubz
A lot like the older version from mid-90s
Q: What do you call a dog with 5 dicks?
A: Mariah Carey & Westlife.
I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.
After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.
She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."
I said, "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the other."
I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.
After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.
She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."
I said, "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the other."
:lol:
Thats what you should have done ;)
What's that got to do with parrots then?
:-\
Last night, I said to my wife "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
The bitch unplugged the computer and poured my beer down the sink :shrug:
Last night, I said to my wife "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
The bitch unplugged the computer and poured my beer down the sink :shrug:
Rescuers to wear Planet of the Apes costumes to fool Chilean miners into thinking they've been pulled through a wormhole in time. (from Twitter)
Nads! That was supposed to be a response to butters, not tomtom.
The tories, putting the 'n' into cuts.:lol: I enjoyed that one as well good episode this week The News Quiz (http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006r9yq)
The tories, putting the 'n' into cuts.:lol: I enjoyed that one as well good episode this week The News Quiz (http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006r9yq)
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.
I'll admit I'm having a tumbleweed moment with that one Slackers - how does it work?
It's an old joke that ome, dates from the 1840s.
You need to be really careful about the potato famine jokes, it's easy to offend. I for one.....
You need to be really careful about the potato famine jokes, it's easy to offend. I for one.....
Agree - I don't feel comortable with that one
You need to be really careful about the potato famine jokes, it's easy to offend. I for one.....
Agree - I don't feel comortable with that one
You really know that a joke was shit when people don't even realise it was a joke!!! :lol:
Moving swiftly on from the Irish theme and running with the roman numbers one (and speaking of jokes no one's going to get unless you had a classical education...)Damn you Grimer, my missus is laughing like an exhaurit and I'm just looking crassa......
Julius Caesar walks into a pub and says to the barman
"Can I have a Martinus please."
And the barman says
"Don't you mean Martini?"
"Look," says Caesar, "If I'd wanted two I would have asked for two."
It's usualle "a double", but otherwise good to see teh return of a classic!
Your momma's so fat, that when she swims she's in the locative case.
Dont know if this has been posted before - but its funny as fuck
DamnYouAutoCorrect (http://damnyouautocorrect.com/category/best-of-dyac)
Dont know if this has been posted before - but its funny as fuck
DamnYouAutoCorrect (http://damnyouautocorrect.com/category/best-of-dyac)
The error being you were holding your phone sideways?
Not quite autocorrect but
(http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Comics/C4comic.png)
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain he's had a better education than any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense.
Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop; that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'
London lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
And now I've got no home.
Did you know that the "B" in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stands for 'Benoit B. Mandelbrot'?
Did you know that the "B" in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stands for 'Benoit B. Mandelbrot'?
It's a recipe for deterministic non-linear behaviour, I tell ya!
It's a recipe for deterministic non-linear behaviour, I tell ya!
It's a recipe for deterministic non-linear behaviour, I tell ya!
I stand corrected
I stand corrected
(http://img152.imageshack.us/img152/2076/henjpage1jpeg.jpg)
You know, when you know something's funny, but you don't get it...
What do you do?
You know, when you know something's funny, but you don't get it...
should i do all 3 or take my pick?
You know, when you know something's funny, but you don't get it...
What do you do?
a) Feign humor.
b) Denigrate its as wank and not funny.
c) Ask for an explanation.
that is a truly awful joke...
that is a truly awful joke...
:agree:
I would like to share a Valantines poem that has never failed to get me into a chicks pants....
Roses are Red,
Violets are blue.
I have a knife, get in the van...
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532)
my favourite there from the genius Time Vine:
"Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."
Welsh humor:
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.
A book fell on my head the other day.
I've only got my shelf to blame.
We're dredging up some old ones here.
Did you hear about the scarecrow that won the Nobel Prize?
He was out standing in his field.
#fail already sent him that one...
"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here," said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.
"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here," said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.
Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was there with their
new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit
harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
Being a big 80s fan I went out and bought the new Bonnie Tyler Edition satnav.
It's a bit crap though, it keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then it falls apart.
late in the day for it, but ...
Happy microphone testing day
1 2 2 12
late in the day for it, but ...
Happy microphone testing day
1 2 2 12
Do you know why sound engineers only ever count to 2? because on 3 you have to lift something.
late in the day for it, but ...
Happy microphone testing day
1 2 2 12
Do you know why sound engineers only ever count to 2? because on 3 you have to lift something.
Have you met GrumpyCrumpy?
late in the day for it, but ...
Happy microphone testing day
1 2 2 12
Do you know why sound engineers only ever count to 2? because on 3 you have to lift something.
Have you met GrumpyCrumpy?
Sadly my sound engineer jokes would appear very flat to most of y'all on here .........
I've just booked a dentists appointment for 2:30
Nice clart, got anymore casual racism? Jokes about n**gers or pakis perhaps? :no: :thumbsdown:
Nice clart, got anymore casual racism? Jokes about n**gers or pakis perhaps? :no: :thumbsdown:I like the idea of the plucky travellers sticking two fingers up to the man (God)
Nice clart, got anymore casual racism? Jokes about n**gers or pakis perhaps? :no: :thumbsdown:I like the idea of the plucky travellers sticking two fingers up to the man (God)
Come on, no one is under any illusions that that joke was about plucky travellers, it was a play on the widely held view that they are thieves.
I doubt Cher was born in the wagon of a travellin' show.
Cher Lloyd?
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?I'm quite intrigued by this one but I don't think I can get it right. could someone help me? the pun is because it could mean that he used to drink coffee before it became cool and trendy?
Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?I'm quite intrigued by this one but I don't think I can get it right. could someone help me? the pun is because it could mean that he used to drink coffee before it became cool and trendy?
Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.
sorry to spoil it, but I get very curious when I don't understand something.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?I'm quite intrigued by this one but I don't think I can get it right. could someone help me? the pun is because it could mean that he used to drink coffee before it became cool and trendy?
Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.
sorry to spoil it, but I get very curious when I don't understand something.
Filled the escort up with diesel last night.
She's dead now.
Did you hear about the man who painted his wife with cheese?
He double glossed her.
In view of your moniker, is there a smallerstarfish?
If I'd suffered a broken ankle I'd be a bitterstarfish.
[I refer you to thread title - "Only Joking"]
Now established under case law: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-19009344 (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-19009344)
Maybe it's the delivery, but I never find one-liners funny when I see them written down.(http://celebslists.com/images/frank-carson-02.jpg)...
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! ... Just kidding, I don't know what he got, he hasn't opened his presents yet.
This listing () has been removed, or this item is not available.
Odd, all I get isQuoteThis listing () has been removed, or this item is not available.
Odd, all I get is
Quote
This listing () has been removed, or this item is not available.
What do you call a man between two buildings?
Ali
Why does it take 7 womenon PMSto change a lightbulb? IT JUST FREAKING DOES OK!!!
What do you call an idiotic mormon presidential candidate with a glove on his head?
Mitt.
The only reason I didn't was because you sound like you might be foreign and thus not aware of just how shit and dated it was.
A mob of dyslexic parents have just gone and beaten up Jimmy Somerville.
First Cracker joke of the season:
How was the inventor of the Door Knocker rewarded?
He was given a Nobel Prize.
I'll get my coat.
I'll get my coat.
I don't get this one? :clown:
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BAuFwm-CUAA9Trt.png)
wayne whitehead @spireite72
@UKTesco my local store is Clowne Derbyshire.
Apparently it's got worse for Tesco - they've now found out their vegeburgers are made from UniQuorn
:slap: :oops: :sorry: :lol: Didn't realise Tescos even sold clothes.
Wow, nobody's mentioned the Ex-Benedict joke yet.
Wow, nobody's mentioned the Ex-Benedict joke yet.
Wow, nobody's cracked the Ex-Benedict yoke yet.
Two opportunities missed in one sentence, you're selling out!
There's no point in starting on the bird puns. You'll never beat Histor's Eye;
Lee And Herring - Histors Eye #4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6P63XfMaaCA#)
Wow, nobody's mentioned the Ex-Benedict joke yet.I take the opportunity offered by the coming papal enclave to retell my favourite 70s set-theory/theology joke.
This, apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.
Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.
Do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my pension book.
It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.
It is on my National Health card.
My driving licence.
My car insurance.
On the last eight damn passports I've had.
It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.
All those insufferable census forms.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!
I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!
What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?
Look at my damn picture.
Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!
Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of 30.
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)
Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!
Signed
An Irate Citizen
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..
who was born and raised in Pakistan!
Whether its genuine or not this made me chuckle at the inaneness of government bureaucracyQuoteThis, apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.
Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.
Do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my pension book.
It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.
It is on my National Health card.
My driving licence.
My car insurance.
On the last eight damn passports I've had.
It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.
All those insufferable census forms.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!
I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!
What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?
Look at my damn picture.
Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!
Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of 30.
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)
Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!
Signed
An Irate Citizen
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..
who was born and raised in Pakistan!
Government computer systems should communicate to each other rather than working in isolation in my opinion, it would work for benefit of the people whom it serves (NHS desperately needs thus but that's essentially now been canned after throwing shed loads of money at it if I remember correctly).
I didn't care much for the PS, but was to lazy to delete it when copying and pasting.
Went to the doctors the other day and he said I had to stop wanking. I said "why!" And he replied "cos I'm trying to examine you"
I'm not thinking of it in terms of information being freely disseminated between different bodies though, rather that with explicit consent information between systems could be linked/shared.
A topical example is that I was out last night with a friend who had had their application for a disabled parking badge initially declined, but they'd appealed it. This is after having been injured climbing seven months ago and having to have three operations to pin their spine back in place and they have trouble walking and find long distances painful as a consequence. They had to go for a physical exam to have this checked/verified :blink:. That in itself is wasteful as someone is employed to do those checks when the opinion of a clinician should suffice.
That must be terrible.
Zeno's paradox, isn't it? (+initial pint ordered)
I'm not sure how my wife and I will make ends meet after she lost her job as a bukkake pr0nstar and cancelled her insurance policy.
She's no longer getting fully covered income.
Liverpool Football Club are raving about the SAS, the Sturridge and Suarez partnership!
United are still struggling to come up with a name for Wellbeck, Andserson, Nani, Kagawa, Evra, Rooney and Smalling!
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.
He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows its a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.
He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He wont say what it is but wants Father Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings Father Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
Well, says the priest, its pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.
No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.
Well, Father Flannagan says, its certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But its not for me to say its a miracle. Ill report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round to interview you, take photos, etc.
An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. It reads:
"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphys room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."
I apologize in advance for the appalling use of racial and religious stereotypes in the following story
I'll put it in as a quote and reduce the chance of me getting branded as some sort of bigotQuote from: not meMurphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.
He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows its a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.
He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He wont say what it is but wants Father Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings Father Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
Well, says the priest, its pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.
No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.
Well, Father Flannagan says, its certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But its not for me to say its a miracle. Ill report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round to interview you, take photos, etc.
An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. It reads:
"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphys room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."
@RobinFlavell: I might open a shop called Pi. I don't know what it would sell but it would be open 22/7.
That's good.James and Sarah were good Christians and loved each other deeply.
The chemist not only offered contraceptive advice but also low price vasectomy. Looked like a snip to me.
I don't get it?
I don't get it?
That's good - though the way I sing it there should be a d in front...
Why would I know a bananarama song I'm 42 and have a penis
I'm presuming it's something to do with nananananananananananananananana... batman.
It ain't funny whatever the explanation :P
I thought it was pretty funny
but then I didn't need it explaining to me
Roses are redViolets are blue, roses are red, I may have no legs but where is your head.
Violets are glorious
Never sneak up
On Oscar Pistorius
Always wondered under what circumstances the brain would be in a jar *before* the autopsy.
If God sent the AIDS virus because of his hatred of homosexuality, then it's pretty obvious with the Ebola virus he's not too keen on blacks either.
Q. What can be worse than sitting in your bathroom realising you've got ebola?
A. Dating Oscar Pistorius
Sam, the first line should shurely be prefixed by 'I'm not a racist but', or is it OK if you tell jokes which you'd scream racist at if someone else told them?
What's the difference between 1. a collision involving a dog and a car and 2. a car and a lawyer.
In the case of 1 there are skid marks on the road.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.... Is that anti semetic?
Distasteful perhaps, not convinced its antisemitic. No more than cracking a Savile joke/pun makes you a paedo/necrophile.Agree.
not convinced.. cracking a Savile joke/pun makes you a paedo/necrophile.
For me it teetered on the wrong side of acceptable - because it refers to something horrific.
There's nothing wrong with making a joke about anything. There's also nothing wrong with someone being offended when the joke is too near the knuckle for them due to personal circumstance. Doesn't mean you shouldn't make the joke.For me it teetered on the wrong side of acceptable - because it refers to something horrific.
Have you really never found a gag about something horrific funny tomtom?
Fuck that. Get new friends. ;)
. Hope that doesn't make noncesense...Good Day Today reference slipped in there! :D
. Hope that doesn't make noncesense...Good Day Today reference slipped in there! :D
GoodDay TodayBrass Eye reference slipped in there! :D
Just as an aside, Vinyl Solution was in fact a record label years ago.
Distasteful perhaps, not convinced its antisemitic. No more than cracking a Savile joke/pun makes you a paedo/necrophile.
Option 3) You're a moron.
OK, I get the joke re the reference to collective corvids, but the attempted bit has me utterly lost.
Did you hear that Blind football where they play with a ball that has a bell in it, is now banned. Apparently a Morris dancer got kicked to death.
Did you hear that Blind football where they play with a ball that has a bell in it, is now banned. Apparently a Morris dancer got kicked to death.
The wording's too clumsy and dulls the impact I think...
Did you hear that Blind football where they play with a ball that has a bell in it, is now banned. Apparently a Morris dancer got kicked to death.
The wording's too clumsy and dulls the impact I think...
Do you mean, it didn't ring true....?
What, the place on the Isle of White?
What, the place on the Isle of White?
You're just taking us for a Ryde.
This thread is making me want to stick needles in my eyes.
The Solent is brine.
Tidy
My fetish is doing a poo whilst you bend over in front of me and tie your shoelaces.
I shit you knot.
Rock climbers enjoyed excellent weekend of gruelling misery (http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/rock-climbers-have-excellent-weekend-of-gruelling-misery-20160509108686)
Rock climbers enjoyed excellent weekend of gruelling misery (http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/rock-climbers-have-excellent-weekend-of-gruelling-misery-20160509108686)
I said some of this almost verbatim this morning when asked about my weekend.
Judging by my colleagues the alternative appears to be eating crisps and watching x factor.
I just feel more smug having spent my money on petrol driving North to a crag, occasionally achieving a tick which I can add to my logbook. :) Rather than on a night out in London, achieving a headache and a wasted dayRock climbers enjoyed excellent weekend of gruelling misery (http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/rock-climbers-have-excellent-weekend-of-gruelling-misery-20160509108686)
I said some of this almost verbatim this morning when asked about my weekend.
Judging by my colleagues the alternative appears to be eating crisps and watching x factor.
I have the same discussion every Monday morning,
Colleague: Get up to much this weekend?
Me: Same as always, climbing on both days. Yourself?
Colleague: You know, the usual, Netflix...
No joke, she's claimed to have watched an entire series in one sitting!
This isn't strictly a joke, but noone can make shit like this up: 'man dies after being stabbed in the cock by his own cock'
BBC News - Indian man killed by his own rooster during cockfight
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-india-56224144
This isn't strictly a joke, but noone can make shit like this up: 'man dies after being stabbed in the cock by his own cock'
BBC News - Indian man killed by his own rooster during cockfight
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-india-56224144
Karma