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only joking (Read 390907 times)

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#975 Re: only joking
February 11, 2013, 12:49:34 pm
Wow, nobody's mentioned the Ex-Benedict joke yet.

Go on then hit us with it. :clown:

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#976 Re: only joking
February 14, 2013, 01:17:18 pm
Roses are red, violets are glorious, don't sneak up on Oscar Pistorius - Happy Valentines Day!

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#977 Re: only joking
February 14, 2013, 01:20:15 pm
Wow, nobody's mentioned the Ex-Benedict joke yet.

Surely even though he won't be Pope anymore, he will still be called Benedict?

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#978 Re: only joking
February 14, 2013, 01:22:26 pm
If here were actually called Benedict, that'd be true, but his name's Joseph Ratzinger.

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#979 Re: only joking
February 14, 2013, 01:23:15 pm
I would change it too.

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#980 Re: only joking
February 14, 2013, 02:49:45 pm
Wow, nobody's cracked the Ex-Benedict yoke yet.

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#981 Re: only joking
February 14, 2013, 03:13:53 pm
Two opportunities missed in one sentence, you're selling out!

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#982 Re: only joking
February 14, 2013, 03:28:45 pm
Two opportunities missed in one sentence, you're selling out!

Yup - I'm probably being a bit of a cock for pointing them out, but I wouldnt want to poach another mans gags..

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#983 Re: only joking
February 14, 2013, 03:30:47 pm
I think we're all a bit chicken after the negative cluckings we got to the last eruption of puns.

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#984 Re: only joking
February 14, 2013, 03:31:02 pm
There's no point in starting on the bird puns. You'll never beat Histor's Eye;


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#985 only joking
February 14, 2013, 07:06:19 pm
Bird like a bird.

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#986 Re: only joking
February 16, 2013, 08:30:19 am
There's no point in starting on the bird puns. You'll never beat Histor's Eye;



Good find Jasper, but there's no reason to crow about it ........ 

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#987 Re: only joking
February 16, 2013, 09:34:37 am
Whats the difference between Delia Smith and a jog in the woods? Ones a pant in the country......

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#988 Re: only joking
February 22, 2013, 09:41:20 am
Wow, nobody's mentioned the Ex-Benedict joke yet.
I take the opportunity offered by the coming papal enclave to retell my favourite 70s set-theory/theology joke.

“Pope Paul VI settled the continuum hypothesis, declaring that cardinals over 80 have no power.”

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#989 Re: only joking
February 22, 2013, 10:07:43 am
Every time I misspell a word I throw up. The doctor has said I've got Irritable Vowel Syndrome...

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#990 only joking
March 01, 2013, 07:10:27 pm
One from a colleague at work:

Surely Oscar Pistorius can't be the first bloke to wake up legless on Valentine's Day after shooting a load into his girlfriend's face whilst imagining she was someone else?

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#991 Re: only joking
March 01, 2013, 08:27:59 pm
Police have found evidence outside Oscar pistorious's house proving someone else killed his girlfriend? Foot prints.  Oscar pistorious's lawyers have told him to plead guilty as he hasn't a leg to stand on....

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#992 Re: only joking
March 01, 2013, 08:29:14 pm
I was gonna take my car to the garage in coronation street but the guy says he won't touch anything over 10 year old.... Bit bad that one

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#993 Re: only joking
March 01, 2013, 08:30:43 pm
Police have found a book in Oscar pistorious's house with 20 more people's names that he intended to murder... They are calling it shinless list

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#994 Re: only joking
March 05, 2013, 02:12:43 pm
Whether its genuine or not this made me chuckle at the inaneness of government bureaucracy

Quote
This, apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

 Dear Sirs,

 I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

 Do you guys do this by hand?

 My birth date you have on my pension book.

 It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

 It is on my National Health card.

 My driving licence.

 My car insurance.

 On the last eight damn passports I've had.

 It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

 All those insufferable census forms.

 Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!

 I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
 Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!

 You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!

 What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?

 Look at my damn picture.

 Do I look like Bin Laden?

 I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.

 And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

 If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

 Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.

 Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

 Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.

 You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)

 Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

 Signed

 An Irate Citizen

 P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?

 Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

 I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

 However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..

who was born and raised in Pakistan!

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#995 Re: only joking
March 05, 2013, 07:45:13 pm
Whether its genuine or not this made me chuckle at the inaneness of government bureaucracy

Quote
This, apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

 Dear Sirs,

 I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

 Do you guys do this by hand?

 My birth date you have on my pension book.

 It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

 It is on my National Health card.

 My driving licence.

 My car insurance.

 On the last eight damn passports I've had.

 It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

 All those insufferable census forms.

 Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!

 I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
 Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!

 You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!

 What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?

 Look at my damn picture.

 Do I look like Bin Laden?

 I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.

 And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

 If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

 Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.

 Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

 Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.

 You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)

 Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

 Signed

 An Irate Citizen

 P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?

 Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

 I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

 However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..

who was born and raised in Pakistan!

What's inane about it?

The Data Protection Act means that information held means that information held on one computer system can't be transferred to another.

So. Sky television, on Sky television's system know who you are.

The passport agency on their system don't have access to the DWP's pension system.

PS.

The crack about his doctor being "born and raised" in Pakistan suggests he's [?] a racist.

Hopefully, he'll get his passport, piss off abroad, AND FUCKING STAY THERE.

andy_e

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#996 Re: only joking
March 05, 2013, 08:58:24 pm
I thought that. Classic reactionary Mail reader.

slackline

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#997 Re: only joking
March 05, 2013, 09:18:50 pm
Government computer systems should communicate to each other rather than working in isolation in my opinion, it would work for benefit of the people whom it serves (NHS desperately needs thus but that's essentially now been canned after throwing shed loads of money at it if I remember correctly).

I didn't care much for the PS, but was to lazy to delete it when copying and pasting.

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#998 Re: only joking
March 05, 2013, 11:34:30 pm
Went to the doctors the other day and he said I had to stop wanking. I said "why!" And he replied "cos I'm trying to examine you"

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#999 Re: only joking
March 06, 2013, 07:58:43 pm
In honour of the passing of Hugo Chavez, I have had his initials inscribed onto my bathroom taps.

 

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