[SA Chris]

And vat is wrong with Shmetterling?

[lagerstarfish]

Last night, I said to my wife "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

The bitch unplugged the computer and poured my beer down the sink 

[tomtom]

Last night, I said to my wife "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

The bitch unplugged the computer and poured my beer down the sink 

Alert Alert Alert Alert: Potentially sexist remark present in post
You have 20 seconds to modify your original post or the UKC political correctness bot will take action

[Iesu]

what's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Social Worker?

You can get your baby back from a Rottweiler.

Boom Boom (my mom told me that and she's the most PC person I know so it should be fine.....)

[Jaspersharpe]

Last night, I said to my wife "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

The bitch unplugged the computer and poured my beer down the sink 

"My wife" implies ownership, I take it that's how you (and therefore UKB as a misogynist whole) view women. Jesus Christ lagers, women haven't fought for equality for generations just for you to stamp all over them with your sexist, male chauvinist bigotry.

More importantly, if they spend too long worrying their pretty little heads over such matters they might forget to get the tea on and do the washing. Bless em.

[aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB]

Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel uber und der bitte schon ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie?

„Nein“, sprecht der Herren, „Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen!“



(Timing. Das Geheimnis der guten Komödie)

[slackline]

I've lost my babelfish!!

[Jaspersharpe]

[butters]

Went to a Muslim stag do the other night - it was bloody mental - the stripper got her face out for the lads!

[tomtom]

Rescuers to wear Planet of the Apes costumes to fool Chilean miners into thinking they've been pulled through a wormhole in time. (from Twitter)

[aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB]

Rescuers to wear Planet of the Apes costumes to fool Chilean miners into thinking they've been pulled through a wormhole in time. (from Twitter)

Shaba-dee shaba-doo

[aLICErOBERTSfANkLUB]

Nads! That was supposed to be a response to butters, not tomtom.

[lagerstarfish]

Nads! That was supposed to be a response to butters, not tomtom.

Made it all the funnier

[slackline]

The tories, putting the 'n' into cuts.

[SpanishJuan]

The tories, putting the 'n' into cuts.

I enjoyed that one as well good episode this week The News Quiz

[tomtom]

Not sure if its a joke - or for Da-News, but those who follow spoof Cheryl Cole twitter feed @CherylKerl will like this...
http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/leisure/8442969.Woath_it__Coase_Ah_Am__Pet_by_Cheryl_Kerl__Coronet_Hardback____12_99_/

[slackline]

The tories, putting the 'n' into cuts.

I enjoyed that one as well good episode this week The News Quiz

Nice one, heard it on the radio Saturday but couldn't remember what show it was to reference properly.

[SA Chris]

A recent survey has shown that 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

[Jaspersharpe]

Got really emotional at the petrol station earlier. Not sure why, I just started filling up.

[SA Chris]

I kept thinking I was a Formula One car yesterday. My mind was racing.

I slept like a baby last night. Cried myself to sleep and then pissed myself.

[lagerstarfish]

A London Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the London Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody London Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The London Banker looks down in horror.

'JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!' he screams. 'Where's my fucking Rolex?’

[peewee]

One day in the Kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He
enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,

'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and
wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over
there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there
I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of
black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold
and covered in ice.'

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of
land and asked, 'What's that?'

'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on
earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in
the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the
world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and
politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be
modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found
travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and
high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers
of truth.' Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm
putting down South !

[john horscroft]

  Top efforts Lagers and peewee  have a wad each for brightening my morning 

[john horscroft]

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick looked around him : "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
 

[dave]

Apologies to anyone who got the same text as I did containing this joke....


What brown and rhymes with "snoop"?











Dr Dre.