[Nibile]

hey nice italian around!!!

[Idol eyes]

A woman is in a coma in hospital, during her bedbath the nurse notices that she responds when ever she washes her fanny! she informs the doctor of her observations. The doctor performs some tests before notifying the husband of the patients progress, The husband arrives and is informed of the latest breakthrough, "We think you should engage in oral sex with your wife, she could respond", the husband agrees and is left in privacy. Five minuites pass and the alarm sounds off, the team rush only to find the patient flat lineing... "what happened" the doctor asks, "Er, I think she choked"...

[unclesomebody]

A woman is invited by her friend to join an exclusive club - for women
only - in the centre of London and is provided with a membership card with
directions to the venue.

Intrigued, the woman follows the directions on the back of the card and
arrives at her destination. She walks in and sees a lift with the doors
open.

The lift operator - a handsome man dressed in an immaculate uniform - nods
and asks which floor she wants.

"I don't know" she says. "What's on each floor?".

"Well" he says. "The first floor has your basic bog standard male model.
Good looks but a bit short on intellect.

The second floor contains good looking men who are very caring and
attentive, and generally intelligent

The third floor has good looking, caring, attentive, very intelligent men
who are also very good in bed.

And the fourth floor has very good looking, attentive, intelligent men who
are very good in bed but will also give you a cuddle after sex and want to
talk into the early hours about subjects you are interested in. Oh, and they
are also extremely rich".

Looking at the buttons, the woman notices that the numbers go up to 5.

"What's on the fifth floor then?" she says, with a glint in her eye.

"The fifth floor?" says the attendant. "Nothing. But it goes to show how
hard women are to please!".

[Idol eyes]

Today, fifteen British troops were captured in Iranian waters, they had strayed from Iraq during a routine operation.
One Woman, and fourteen male operatives are being held captive, during a propaganda publicity stunt they where displayed on prime time TV, The Female Troop has denied they entered Iranian territory.
Does not take much to work out who was reading the map...

[Idol eyes]

OK, its not PC, but old and funny;
Englishman, Irishman and a Welshman, wandering through the Peak when they come across a sheep with its head stuck in some railings, The Englishman says "I will go get help, wait here", and runs of to Hathersage, the welshman looks round at the Irishman and puts his finger to his lips "Shhh", pulls down his trousers and fucks the Sheep vigorously for twenty minutes, pulls out and looks round to the Irishman, "your turn!", the Irish man says "there is no way will my head fit in those narrow railings"

[widdop]

yes its not pc ,but good .

[GCW]

That reminds me of another non-PC joke. 

Students surveying the sheep shagging habits of farmers around the UK.  They have surveyed Wales and England and always get the same response.  Their last stop is a remote area of Scotland.  They survey a farmer and ask what his technique is.  He says "Sheep's back feet in the wellies and front feet over my shoulders."  The survey guys look puzzled and say "that's odd, every other farmer in the UK has said they put the back feet in the wellies and front feet over a wall".
"What?!?!!" says the farmer.  "And miss out on all the kissing?"

prepares to be puntered

[Somebody's Fool]

Got this off Britain's most promising sport climber/joke inventor the other day.  I can't be certain he made it up, but I wouldn't be surprised:

A farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field full of dildos.  Unfortunately he's having terrible trouble with squatters.

[Nibile]

freshly heard.

one ugly guy enters a bank, goes to one of the desks, and asks the woman: "how the fuck can i open a fuckin account in this shitty bank?"
the woman gets all red in the face, and replies: "please, could you use a more proper language?"
and the man: "how the fuck can i open a fuckin account in this shitty bank, you idiot!"
"ill call the director immediately" screams the woman, going to the directors room.
the director comes and faces the man, who tells him "how the fuck can i open a fuckin £ 10 million account in this shitty bank?"
"its very easy - the director says - this bitch here gave you problems?"

[Bowie]

some amusing tales:

1. glasgow fighting spirit...(ref car bombing) - the real quotes are by far the funniest.


If this had happened in a US airport, compared to Glasgow Eyewitnes
accounts.

America:"Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about, i
just ran for my life. I thought i was gonna die, he got so close to
me"

Glasgow "Bawbag wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a
good boot, then decked him"
 
America:" I just wanna get home, away from here. I just wanna get
home, I thought i was gonna die"

Glasgow:" here shug, am no leaving here till am oan a f*ckin' plane!"

America:" there was pandemonium, people were running in all
directions, we didn't know what was happening thought i was gonna die"

Glasgow:"F*ck this fir a kerry oan, moan we ll get a pint in"

America:" We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas
canister, and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were
gonna die, I just ran for my life"

Glasgow:"a swaggered by the motor that wis on fire, and the dafty
couldnae even open his boot, he wis in fire annaw so a ran up n gave
him a good boot to the baws"

America: there was this huge explosion, it sounded like war, I thought
i was gonna die"

Glasgow:" There wis a bang, yi know when yi throw BO basher intae a
fire it wis like that"

America:" I'm too traumatized even to speak, I thought i was gonna
die"

Glasgow "here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am
gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it"

& finally, two quotes from an eye-witness......... John Smeaton (these
are real)

John just surpassed himself on the National ITV news. The interviewer
asked "What message do you have for the bombers" - he replied "This is
Glasgow we'll just set about you"

John done an interview on cnn and they asked how he restrained the guy
and he said "me and other folk were just tryin to get the boot in and
some other guy banjoed him" !

2. The Citibank Dead Customer Transcript

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A lady died in January 2006, and Citibank billed her credit card service charges in February and March. As the customer was in no position to pay up, Citibank added late fees and interest.

A family member then placed a call to the bank. Here's the telephone exchange:

Family Member - "I am calling to tell you she died in January.

Citibank - "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member - "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank - "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member - "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank - "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member - "Do you think God will be mad at her?" !!)

Citibank - "Excuse me?"

Family Member - "Did you just get what I was telling you? The part about her being dead?"

Citibank -"Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

The supervisor then gets on the phone.

Family Member - "I'm calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank - "The account was never closed. And late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member - "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank - (Stammering) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member - "No, I'm her great nephew."? (Lawyer information given)

Citibank - "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member - "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank - "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member - "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank - "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member - "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank - "That might help."

Family Member - "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank - "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member - "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

[cofe]

a blind man walks into a shop swinging a dog around his head.

shopkeeper: "what do you think you're doing?"

blind man: "having a look around"

[slackline]

This might not be to everyones taste, but....

Freddie Mercury, Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates.St
Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to
put forward their case for entry.

Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some
mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music
in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody
with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"

"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"

Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll
completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the
cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you
will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"

"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?"

Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down
her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets
the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.

"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter

"Hold on a fucking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"

"Bollocks, Fred you know the rules" says St Peter, "A royal flush beats
a pair of Queens...!!"

[Idol eyes]

Too good,,,

[andy_e]

Farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's
fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded
my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a
fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving
her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and
didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and
groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her
fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what would you say?"

[Idol eyes]

This fella asks his Dyslexic mate "can you smell someting funny?"
"Nah" he sez "I can not even smell my own name"

[slackline]

What does a priest & a pint of Guinness have in common?

Black coat, white collar, and watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

[Drew]

Why did the baker have smelly hands?


Because he needed a poo.

[dave]

did you hear about the fire that broke out in a football stadium in north-eastern spain? There was only one way out and there was a massive crush and panic. Its just goes to show you shouldnt put all your Basques in one exit.

[Houdini]

Three men are captured by a barbaric African tribe, and tied up in a mud hut.

The first man is given the choice, death or umbongo. Not fancying death very much he decides to take umbongo. He is taken out into a clearing, staked to the ground and raped by every male member of the tribe. His broken body is thrown back into the mud hut.

The second man is also given the choice, death or umbongo, and he decides to take umbongo. He is taken out into a clearing, staked to the ground and raped by every male member of the tribe.

The third man is then given the choice, death or umbongo. Seeing the state of his colleagues he decides to take death. He is taken out into a clearing, staked to the ground and the chief shouts, "DEATH BY UMBONGO!"

[Nibile]

two criminals are sentenced to death, and since they were together in the crime, they are going to be executed one just after the other.
when the time comes, they are given the choice betwenn electric chair and lethal injection, both mechanisms already prepared.
the first one gets in the room, in front of all the specators, judges, and policemen, and loudly says: "i choose the electric chair".
he is tied to the chair, everything is set, and the button in pressed, but as the lights in the room fade and come back, the chair makes a few sparkles and nothing else.
everything is set again, but for two other times no electric charge is given to the man, that, according to the law, is set free. since there's no other exit from the room, they take him out from the same corridor where the other criminal is going in, and just as they cross their eyes, the first one whispers "chair broken" to the other.
according to the law, the secon criminal as well is given the choice.
he makes one step forward in front of the crowd, loudly laughs and exclaim: "today, you bastards will have another surprise, ahahahaha!!!! i know everything, you bastards, so i'll have the lethal injection!!!!!!!"

[Mike Tyson]

Whats big in one hand and small in the other?






































Jeremy Beadle's cock......

[DubDom]

What did the shy pebble want to be when he grew up?











                                                                            ........A little boulder!

[Houdini]

The Swedish Chef from The Muppet show went to the pharmacy in Stockholm to buy some anti-perspirant.



Roll-on ball or aerosol?  Asked the pharmacist.



Neither, it's for my armpits.

[Idol eyes]

Why do women watch pr0n films untill the end?











To see if they get married!!!

[slackline]

I'm in two minds as to whether I should post this as its somewhat tasteless, but what the hell....


Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape