[Idol eyes]

What's the difference between Ginger pussy and a cricket ball?

If you try hard, really hard... You can eat a cricket ball!

[SA Chris]

What's the difference between an Icelandic Volcano and Cheryl Cole?

The volcano is still blowing ash.

[reeve]

I got hit on the head by a tub of ice cream, a ready meal and some frozen chicken drum sticks just now. Must be the fall out from iceland.

[Idol eyes]

We should be gratefull for the Volcano!, its done more for immigration than in the last week than any party ever could!

[GCW]

Why do Communists only drink herbal tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

[Bubba]

Anarchists, surely?

[GCW]

Blame the Stella.  Apologies to Proudhon.   

[lagerstarfish]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."   The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"  "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the  vet.   "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.  He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.   The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.   "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

[cofe]

a mate asked me the other day: 'what's your pet hate?'

i said: 'it doesn't really like having stuff shoved up its arse'

[Jim]

this isn't the confessions thread you know Ken

[butters]

I stole a rabbit from the pet shop yesterday.

I don't know if I should make a run for it or not.

[Will Hunt]

My girlfriend's got a new job. Its hard to say what it is.

She sells sea shells on the sea shore.

[slackline]

I had a wank in the lift the other day.

It was wrong on so many levels !!

[Idol eyes]

I got beaten up the other day by three massive dudes.... I managed to knock one out!!!









Not the best time for a wank, but worth seeing the look on their faces!!!!

[Mike Tyson]

This morning i went down to the England training camp. I couldn't believe my eyes when i got there. Emile Heskey was standing with the coach hitting volley after volley in to the net.





Yup, he's fucking shit at Tennis too.

[Jaspersharpe]

 

[Mike Tyson]

After Nigeria were eliminated from the world cup The Nigerian goalkeeper has personally offered to refund back all the money to fans that travelled to watch them play at South Africa 2010. He said he just needs their bank account details to complete the transaction....

[Mike Tyson]

A guy is driving around Dublin and he sees a sign in front of a house:

'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell and the owner tells him the
dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.
'Yes,' the Lab replies.

'So, what's the story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda
about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no-one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable
spies for eight years running.'

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in.'

'I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed.He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

'Ten euro,' the man says.

'Ten euro? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
so cheaply?'


'B'Jesus' says the owner 'Because he's a feckin' liar. He never did any of that shite.

[Jaspersharpe]

http://ukbouldering.com/board/index.php/topic,6416.msg133517.html#msg133517

[Mike Tyson]

  My bad!

[Jaspersharpe]

Easy to do when the thread's 22 pages long word.

[slackline]

I went to a charity football game for stroke victims the other day.




I've never seen such a one-sided match.

[BB]

David Blane is apparently gutted that Wayne Rooney has broken his record for the most time spent in a box doing nothing.

Wait, there's more...

What's the difference between Viagra and the England football team?

As least with viagra you're guranteed a semi.

[tomtom]

From a teacher friend (who wants to remain anonymous)

"Year 8 joke: what do Madeline McCaan and the French Navy have in common? Both are full of seamen and at the bottom of the sea!"

[GCW]

Surely that's meant to refer to submarines?  Be a pretty shit fleet if all vessels were at the bottom of the sea.