[Monolith]

 

Non-taken mate. I'd be called a Plastic Scouser anyway seen as I'm over the water. Less so than others as both my parents are from there, but I'm still 'posh' scum in the eyes of diehards.

Fatneck, BenF and Vivahate amongst others may want to lynch you though 

For the record, that was a class joke by the way. It reminds me of the Scouse Olympics that's been circulating for ages.

[SA Chris]

A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They are both really depressed. The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed." "What a coincidence!" he said, "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too." So they start talking and they find that they have much in common so they decide to go to the woman's apartment and have kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight, black leather outfit with a whip, handcuffs, a strap-on cock, and a 12 inch studded dildo. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Then she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door. "What's going on?", she asks. "I thought you wanted to get kinky?" He turns around and says, "I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I'm all done."

[Jim]

genius 

[foxgt]

A mouse is walkin along the river bank and shouts at the crocodile in the river "get out, right get back in" the croc gets back in
the mouse walks a little further and sees a hippo in the river "get out, right get back in" the hippo gets back in
the mouse walks a little further down the bank and sees an elephant "get out, right" the elephant says "hold on i saw you do this to the croc and to the hippo whats going on" the mouse says "someones nicked my trunks" 

hope you can understand it

[Houdini]

Here's three to help your digestion:



Q:  What's the best thing about fucking 27 year olds?         A:  There are 20 of them!  (Boom-boom!)


Q:  What's the best thing about fucking a 19 year old in the shower?      A:  You can slick her hair back and pretend she is 14!    (Ba-dum-pish!)


Q:  How do you know your sister is menstruating?     A:  Your Dads' cock tastes funny!     (Arf-arf!)


   

[SA Chris]

Dedicated to TTT and all the current residents of the big smoke;

A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off. More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Londoner starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long the panel beaters work on it it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the Londoner finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the Londoner.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."
The Londoner looks down in absolute horror.........



"FUCKING HELL!!!!!!" he screams........ "Where's my Rolex ????..."

[lorentz]

Now we're talking. :D




>The story of the tourist who walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.
>After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue
>of a rat.
>It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to have it
>anyway.
>So he took it to the owner and said:
>"How much is this bronze rat?"
>The owner replied: "It is £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."
>
>Well the tourist gave the man his £12 and said:
>"I'll just take the rat - you can keep the story."
>As he walked off down the street,
>he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers
>and begun following him.
>
>
>This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster,
>but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds,
>and they were all squealing & screeching in a very menacing way.
>He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran,
>he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS,
>and they were running faster & faster.
>
>
>By now very concerned, he ran to the edge of the sea and threw the
>bronze rat far out into the water.
>
>Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it
>and were all drowned.
>
>The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner,
>who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then!"
>
>"No," said the tourist -
>"I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim fundamentalist cleric,
>and anything French.
>
>
>

[SA Chris]

What's the difference between a Ferrari Enzo and a pile of dead babies?

I haven't got a Ferrari Enzo in my garage.

  reminds me

What's the difference between babies and beach sand?

You can't unload a truck full of beach sand using a pitchfork.

[Jim]

And I thought I was twisted.

Whats brown and taps on the window?












a baby in a microwave

[andy_e]

The classics are flowing now...

What's worse than a baby in a bin?


















A baby in ten bins

[lorentz]

Another one from my twisted gay mate.



What's the best thing about 6yr old girls?















You can bend them over and pretend they're 6 yr old boys.


 

[unclesomebody]

This is getting very very DARK.  But I'm still laughing, although it is followed by a disgusted expression. keep em coming... how dark can it get?

[Dr T]

what's got two legs and bleeds?


















half a dog

[AndiT]

What's got 8 legs and a big black twat.










The A-Team.

[foxgt]

what do you call a fish without an i

a fsh

[SA Chris]

A guy goes to his doctor with a recurring piles problem. He has tried everything, but they keep coming back, and are absolute agony.
The doctor says "I know this is a last resort, but I do know of an alternative therapist who may be able to help".
The guy is at his wit's end, and is prepared to try anything, so goes to the address his doctor gives him.
He is greeted at the door by a midget, who lets him in.
He explains the problem and the midget says "OK, drop your pants and try to relax"
He drops his pants and the midget covers his head with Vaseline and sticks it up the guys arse, and starts to chew and bit at the piles.
The guy can't believe it, and is blinding pain. He remembers the midget's advice and tries to relax, and in doing so inadvertently farts.
The midget pulls his head out the guy's arse and says "It's things like that that make this job unpleasant!"

[Houdini]

Q:  What do people who work in Law use for birth control?





A:  Their personalities!

[Houdini]

Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.

After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.

The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.

The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."

She says, "Smell the rim."





Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."




A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his

trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding

down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him

puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."

[Houdini]

This one made me chuckle:

A man came home just in time to find his lover in bed with another man.

In a total rage, he dragged his lover down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.

He then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next he picked up a hacksaw.

The lover terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The man, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[Idol eyes]

Drop the kiddie stuff...
What is the definition of brave?
A bloke that rolls in, after midnight, pissed, stinking of purfume and has lip stick smeared all over his collar, grabs his wife and says "your next fatty"

[lorentz]

Was parking in the diabled bay the other day when some old boy said to me "You can't park there, young man. You're not disabled."

I replied "I am. I've got tourettes. Now fuck off you old cunt!"

[dave]

what did the lepper say to the prostitute? keep the tip.

Where does Kylie buy her kebabs from? Jason's Donner Van.

What do you call a man with a brown paper bag on his head? Russell.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug.

What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Dougless.

What do you call a man with a document requesting payment on his head? Bill.

What do you call a man wearing a raincoat? Mac.

What do you call a man wearing 2 raincoats? Max.

What do you call a man wearing 2 raincoats standing in a cemetery? Max Bygraves.

Whats brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.

How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the light bulb will change itself in the fullness of time.

Why did the computer programmer's parrott go "Pieces of seven, pieces of seven"? It was a parity error.

Did you hear about the gay eskimo (inuit) who left his arse sticking out of the igloo? He got a chap on it.

Where's the best place to stand on a ship? Where the funnel be.

I used to think i was Schizophrenic (or bipolar if you like) but i'm in two minds about it know.

I was going to join Apathetics Annonymous but i couldn't be arsed.

I was out in the gardon the other day with my step ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I was playing travel Trivial Pursuit with my bird in the car one day. I read out the question "What was whitney houston's first UK number 1?" As my bird glanced down at the board the car spun off the road, plunged down a banking, flipped over and hit a tree. I dragged her mangled body away from the flaming wreckage and cradled her in my arms, she summoned up her last bit of strength, lookup up at me and said "I'll always love you.....". I said "no, sorry it was 'I wanna dance with somebody'".

[SA Chris]

A man walks into a talent agency. He says to the talent agent, “I’ve got an act I think you should see; it’s amazing. I want you to represent us.”

.....................................

The family cheers in unison, “The Aristocrats!”

The film that comprises a load of comedians, all telling this joke is on More4 over the holiday period, can't remember exactly when. Sounds interesting though?

[fatneck]

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?




Tequila...

[lorentz]

Why don't Al-Jazeera have interactive?





















Well you wouldn't want any of their viewers pushing the red button would you?!