[jfw]

yeah exactly - you totally missed out cooking   

[lorentz]

2 paedophiles lying on the beach.

One says to the other "Do you mind? You're in my Son!"

[Idol eyes]

NO!

[luckyjez]

Mother superior is in the bath when she hears a knock on the bathroom door. "Who is it" she says, covering herself up. "It's the blind man from the village" comes the reply. "Oh. In that case, come in" the nun says. He walks in and says "nice breasts, now, where do you want these blinds?"

[andy_e]

Waddya call a man with cow shit on his head?

What do you call a man with a crown of cow shit on his head?

 

Oh come on, I thought it was quite funny.

[Nibile]

two friends talking.
one says "you know, for our first anniversary im taking my wife to hawaii"
"wow - replies the other - hawaii for first anniversary!!! so what will you do for your 25th!!??"
"ill go and take her back"

[Nibile]

a wife says to her husband: ohh i would like so mush to visit some place ive never seen before!!!
and the man replies: nice, why dont you go in the kitchen then?

[SA Chris]

Husband says to wife "Put your jacket on love, I'm going down the pub"
Wife "Am I coming with you?"
Husband "No, but I'm going to turn off the heating"

[andy_e]

 

Is that from a sketch?

[Yossarian]

So there's this old couple right. They nip into this pub for a quick drink. Old Nora sits down, and Eddie hobbles over to the bar. 

"Gin and tonic for 'er, and I'll have a pint of best. Thanks lad."

"'Ere you go Grandad"

"What?" mutters Eddie.

"Your drinks. That'll be £3.50" says the barman.

"Ah, right. Thanks lad" says Eddie, and hobbles back to the table.

Nora meanwhile has spotted a man struggling to get a drumkit through the door. There's a poster on the wall proclaiming "Live Music Tonite" nearby.  "Eddie, go and ask them what he's going to play. I'd love a bit of Frank."

So Eddie hobbles back to the bar.  "What sort of tunes is that man going to play?" he asks.

"Country and western" says the barman.

Eddie Hobbles back.

"Well, what kind of music is he going to play?" says Nora.

"Dunno" says Eddie, "but he's some cunt from Preston"

[widdop]

not bad that one

[SA Chris]

Is that from a sketch?

No, from a joke 

[Somebody's Fool]

Is that from a sketch?

It was on the Royle Family a few years ago.  It may have been around long before this though.

[SA Chris]

Never watched Royle Family, but definitely heard it a long time before that.

[Yossarian]

A man walks into a talent agency. He says to the talent agent, “I’ve got an act I think you should see; it’s amazing. I want you to represent us.”

The agent looks at the man skeptically and asks, “What kind of act is it?”

The man says, “Well, it’s a family act.”

The agent rolls his eyes and says, “I’m sorry, I don’t represent family acts. They’re a hard sell these days.”

The man begs, “Please, Sir, just give us a chance. Once you see our act, I know you’ll want to represent us.”

The agent says, “Fine, fine. Make it quick, I’ve got a meeting soon.”

The man walks to the office door and calls his family in. The man’s mother and father, his wife, his fourteen and sixteen-year-old sons, his twelve-year-old daughter, and the family dog enter the room. When the family is in line, the father gives the cue and the family takes their clothes off. They’re standing in front of the agent completely naked, except for the grandfather, who still has a diaper on. The daughter starts jerking off her two brothers, the mother starts jerking off the father, and the grandmother, holding onto her walker with one hand, takes off the grandpa’s diaper and starts jerking him off with the other. When the diaper hits the floor, it smells of shit. The dog goes to the diaper and starts eating the bits of corn from the shit that was in the diaper. The grandfather shits more while the grandmother is jerking him off. The shit falls out of his ass and lands on the dogs head.

After the father, the grandfather, and the two sons all cum into a bucket in front of them, the mayhem begins. The father shits on his wife’s tits while she fingers herself and the dog pisses on her hair. The grandfather bends the grandmother over her walker and fucks her in the ass. The older brother fucks his sister from behind while she blows the younger brother. The brother getting blown pulls out a webcam and starts to film the escapade. The brother fucking the sister has a laptop sitting on the girl’s back. After both brothers cum in their sister, the older brother uploads the video to his Myspace page.

By this time, the grandfather is pissing uncontrollably on the floor because of his incontinence and he begins eating the remaining shit out of the father’s ass while he jerks him off from behind. The dog comes up behind the grandfather and drinks the piss, then starts licking the old, saggy balls. The mother and the daughter are positioned in a sixty-nine, and now the daughter is covered in her father’s shit that had been spread over her mother’s body. The mother and daughter stop momentarily, both of their mouths bloody because they are both menstruating, to watch the younger brother fist his grandmother while she sucks the older brother’s cock. But, because his dick is so big, the grandmother begins to choke. She throws up all over her grandson before he cums.

The older brother grabs the dog and uses the terrier to wipe the vomit off his stomach, dick, and legs. After he is clean, he begins fucking the dog. The daughter takes her grandfather’s cane and sticks it in her father’s ass while he fucks the grandmother in the missionary position. This creates a bloody mess because the girl pushes too deep. The father has splinters in his ass from the old wooden cane. The mother rides the grandfather in the reverse-cowgirl position (it’s easier on his back), while the younger brother gives his mother and grandfather a golden shower. Right before he cums, the grandfather’s glass eye pops out. The younger brother then starts fucking his grandfather in the empty eye socket. He cums, then the daughter comes over, takes a shit in the cavity, and puts the glass eye back in place. The dog has gotten away from the older brother, so the boy starts fucking his father in the ass. He pulls his cock out to find it covered in blood from the splinters in his father’s ass.

The grandfather is tired by now, and he is still on his back on the filthy floor. He starts pissing again. The rest of the family follows his lead and lie on their backs and begin pissing in the air; even the dog does his best to join in. They have this part of the routine choreographed to look like the fountain show at the Bellagio.

After the pissing comes the grand finale. Throughout the act, the family had filled a bucket full of piss, shit, vomit, blood, and semen. The father brings out a white canvas, sticks his dick in the bucket, and splatters the concoction on the canvas. The sons begin doing the same. The grandfather is sleeping on the ground, so he can’t join in. Neither can the dog, because he’s too busy licking the shit and cum that has dried around the grandfather’s eye socket. The mother, the daughter, and the grandmother use their tits to splatter spray the canvas with the contents from the bucket. By the time they’re finished, it looks like a Jackson Pollock painting made of bodily fluids.

The family finishes and the father presents the painting to the agent. The agent stares at the family for a few moments, astonished. He finally says, “That was the most disgusting display I’ve ever seen! But, I think you’ve got something here. What do you call your act?”

The family cheers in unison, “The Aristocrats!”

[Mike Tyson]

I was eating my breakfast this morning, and it was going snap crackle and pop........












which was strange, I was having kipppers.............

[Idol eyes]

Yeah,  V good

[SA Chris]

Waddage for typing all that out, although it's slightly different to the version I heard.

[chappers]

man walks up to a woman in a club:

"the name is bond"
"yeah, dont tell me...james bond"




"NO. unibond, ive come to fill your crack."

[cofe]

what do you call a man with a dick on his face?

fuck knows.

[chappers]

what is the main cause of paedophilia?

























sexy kids.


sorry. not my joke. if that is too fresh, feel free to remove it.

[lorentz]

Well I think it's a good'un Chappers, but I understand your cautious disclaimer. There seems to be some weird double standard going on in this thread... Graphic incestuous bestial paedophilia and gerontophilia mixed with a healthy dose of copraphilia and some vomit all good. Throw away (admittedly old and rather tired) paedophile oneliner not at all good. Whatever. Bothered etc but make yo minds up, people.


 At risk of burning more bridges, and setting the cat among the pigeons apologies if you've heard this one before.

Paedo and little boy walking through the woods at night. Little boy "mister, mister. I'm scared. I don't like it here."

Paedo replies









"You think you're scared, sonny. I've got to walk back this way all by myself!"

Ah well. There goes me +ve karma!

[cofe]

what animal goes "oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"?































a cow with no lips.

[lorentz]

I've heard that one with Kenneth Williams.

A priest walks into a bar. Guy gets up and grabs him by the hair and smashes his face into the counter. The priest drops to the floor, blood spurting out of his nose. The guy kicks him repeatedly in the nuts and says...












Not so fucking tough now, eh, batman!

[Nibile]

at night, an old man walks home alone.
suddenly he hears soft steps behind him, turns rapidly and sees nobody. so he goes on. again, he feels that someone is walking behind him, ever closer. losing control, he starts running, and now distinctly hears that the person is chasing him. he turns in a dark alley to hide, but finds out in terror that its a dead end. back to the wall, he sees a dark enormous figure coming out from the dark. then he realizes its a tall, big man. the man gets close, pulls out an enormous dick, and exclaim, with a horrible laugh: "now im going to rape you."
and the old man releaved, replies: "oh thank you, i thought you want to hit me in the head with that!!!"