[Dr T]

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side.

genius 

[Banana finger]

A biochemist walks into a bar and asks for a pint of adenosine triphosphate. The barman says thats 80p please.

[r-man]

An African tribe steals the chief's throne from their rival tribe. They hide it in the rafters of their chief's hut. Unfortunately the roof collapses, the throne plummets and their chief is killed.

Moral of the story: Never stow thrones in a grass house.

[r-man]

These jokes come from an Italian hairdresser in Bristol. Apparently he makes you repeat them so he knows you can pass them on. I suggest reading them in an Italian accent...

A man goes to the doctor.
"Doctor doctor, I have a strawberry stuck in my bum."
The doctor puts a little cream on it.


A naked woman runs into the forest.
A man sees her. "Are you game?" he asks.
"Yes," she says.
So he gets out his rifle and shoots her.


A man looks for a book in the library. He can't find it, so he goes to the receptionist.
"I want to get out a book. The book I want is the Suicide Book."
"No," she says. "I will not give you this book. You will not bring it back."


A man walks into a pet shop.
"I want to buy a wasp."
"We do not sell wasps."
"But I saw one in the window."

[Bowie]

Subject: God's truth.


An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world, so he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Rome.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read Euro 10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for Euro 10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.  Next stop was in Moscow.  There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.  He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Rome and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for 10,000 Roubles he could talk to God.

 'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to France, Israel, Germany and Brazil.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with a '10,000 per call' sign under it. The American finally decided to travel to the UK to see if the British had the same phone.

He arrived in York and again, in the Minster, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ‘20p per call.'

 The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

‘Reverend, I've travelled all over World and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches.  I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but everywhere I went the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'you’re in Yorkshire now, son - it's a local call'

[Bowie]

a wonderful parody (our french employees particularly enjoyed it):

FRIENDS of rogue trader Jerome Kerviel last night blamed his $7 billion
losses on unbearable levels of stress brought on by a punishing 30 hour
week. Kerviel hid his November losses in a batch of wonderfully fresh
croissant, Kerviel was known to start work as early as nine in the morning
and still be at his desk at five or even five-thirty, often with just an
hour and a half for lunch.

One colleague said: "He was, how you say, une workaholique. I have a family
and a mistress so I would leave the office at around 2pm at the latest, if
I wasn't on strike. "But Jerome was tied to that desk. One day I came back
to the office at 3pm because I had forgotten my stupid little hat and there
he was, fast asleep on the photocopier. "At first I assumed he had been
having sex with it, but then I remembered he had been working for almost
six hours and had not been on strike for at least 4 days"

As the losses mounted, Kerviel tried to conceal his bad trades by covering
them with an intense red wine sauce, later switching to delicate pastry
horns. At one point he managed to dispose of dozens of transactions by
hiding them inside vol-au-vent cases and staging a fake reception. Last
night a spokesman for Sócíété Générálé denied that Kerviel was overworked,
insisting he lost the money after betting that the French were about to
stop being rude, lazy, arrogant bsatards

[slackline]

a wonderful parody (our french employees particularly enjoyed it):

From The Daily Mash.

[Bowie]

 :kiss1:cheers for that - excellent site.

[grumpycrumpy]

A woman walks into a pub and asks the barman for a double entendre .... So he gives her one ...

[dave]

A man walks into a bar.






He says "ouch";






it was an iron bar.

[SA Chris]

A baby seal walks into a club

[Jim]

whats brown and taps on the window?





baby in a microwave

[Somebody's Fool]

And there was me worried fatherhood might change you Jim.

Back on topic,

A man goes to the doctor because he's being having trouble with his unmentionables. 

After giving him a quick once over the doctor says:  'I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating sir.'

The man looks aghast: 'Really doctor?  Why's that?'

'Because, sir, I'm trying to examine you.'

[fatdoc]

There's sumat about baby jokes isnt there?


1. What goes thok... thok... thok.... thok...


A baby with a javelin through it's neck trying to get round a corner in a corridor


2. what's bright red, down a hole and screaming?


a peeled baby in a salt mine



3. what's the difference between a lorry load of marbles ans a lorry load of babies?




you cant unload the marbles with a pitchfork

[dave]

I found a bit of lettuce sticking out of my ear the other day. Had it checked out at the doctor and it was bad news - he said it was just the tip of the iceberg.

[Houdini]

Q:   What's the difference between Lady Diana and the East Germans?





















































A:     The East Germans survived the wall.

[Houdini]

Q:    What's cannibalism?





































































A:   Germans eating pork.

[Houdini]

Q:      Why are there so many tree-lined streets and leafy lanes in France?






























































A:         Germans like to march in the shade.

[Houdini]

"Two Martinis, bitte."

"Dry?"

"Nein, I said TWO!"

[Houdini]

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Gestapo

Gestapo who?

Ve Vill ask ze Questions!

[Houdini]

Happiness is a German who doesn't cook.

[Houdini]

Have you heard of the new German microwave?       



It seats 25.

[Houdini]

Vat, er, What did the German clockmaker say to the clock that went tick, tick, tick?




















































"Ve hav vays ov making you tock!"

[SA Chris]

My favourite german joke;

A guy is walking into the olympic village carrying a long white pole.

Guy walks up and says "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He replies "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name?"

[dave]

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.