[Idol eyes]

A character building session as arranged for the armed forces, the sas, the paras, and the met police are invited to take part. The first exersise is past, as is the second. The third and final task of the weekend is arranged and the partys are briefed, "Your task is to enter the forest, retrive one rabbit to skin and then cook"
First up are the SAS...
four stealth shadows enter the woods, scilence for around 20 mins, then... put, put. the sound of two shots and they emerge with a rabbit shot square in the middle of the eyes.
Next the paras...
they each down loads of larger, smear boot polish on their faces, stap on their bayonetts and charge screaming into the woods. Total mayhem, flash fire and explosions, then a triumphant crew holding the charred remains of a bunny, walk towards the group.
OK, well done, next its the Met...
Four coppers stroll into the woods, whistling. The radios can be heard "foxtrot lima tango fanta seven up" "suspect has been identified, location due west"... half an hour later the filth emerge with a squirrel, the fascilitator says" we asked for a rabbitt, go back and complete the task properly! back into the wood the police trot, only to emerge 40 minutes later with the same squirrel, with a black eye and ruffed up furr, the fascilitator again mentions the fact that the task required them to aprehend a rabbit, the constable, coughs nudges the squirrel, and it squeeks "ok,ok im a rabbit"

[Dr T]

cynical? yes
true? maybe
funny? I almost pissed myself 

[Idol eyes]

I went to a ramblers lecture the other day, he just went on and on and on...

[widdop]

  you were joking ,were you

[Idol eyes]

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntry work?", i answered "I wouldnt do it if you paid me..."
Drop the sarcasm, or they get worse...

[Monolith]

Pat?

[Houdini]

What do you call a man who is prepared to stick his head above the parapet and say: I did this!  I did this!

But when push comes to shove and is asked to prove it he backs down and never says a word about it again?



That's right!  You know the sketch:  A liar!          This joke: she is the greatest!

[Somebody's Fool]

How do you make your granny's toes curl?

F**k her with her tights on.

NB I refuse to type out fuck in full where grannies are concerned.

[Idol eyes]

A duck walks into a bar, and asks the bar steward,"Ì'll have half a loaf of bread", The bar man replies" sorry this is a pub, we only sell beer and spirits"
The duck shrugs, turns and waddles out the bar.
The next day, the duck returns,"got any bread?". The bar man sighs, "no, told you yesterday its a pub, piss off". offended the duck bails muttering to himself. The following day around the same time the duck returns once more and inquires "got any bread?", The bar tender goes ballistic "get the fuck out of here, if you come back asking for bread again, I will fucking nail your bill to the bar, now fuck off" A worried looking duck swiftly waddles out of the bar. The next day the bar man is busy cleaning the glass wear, when the door opens a jar, a yellow bill quacks through the gap "got any nails?"
"NO, FOR FUCKS SAKE!"
In strolls the duck "Great, got any bread then..."

[BenF]

What do you call a train that won't stop at any stations?       Thomas the bastard.

[BenF]

What's Dr Who's favourite food?     Darlek bread.

[jfw]

How do you make your granny's toes curl?

F**k her with her tights on.

NB I refuse to type out fuck in full where grannies are concerned.

i've given this due consideration and concluded that such an action would only take in the nora-batty-esque wrinkle slack - leaving grandmama's toes uncurled

[Bonjoy]

 Surely completing that calculation would require you to know Somebody's Fool's critical dimensions 

[Somebody's Fool]

I wouldn't have said that the fit of my granny's tights was that critical a dimension.  She did have baggy tights though.  That's all I'm saying.

[grimer]

A man goes into a bar one time, and the barman asks him what he would like.
"Thanks," he replies, "I'll have a gin and tonic."
The barman pours and serves him, the man takes a satisfied sip.
"That will be two ninety," says the barman.
"What?" asks the man?
"Two ninety, for the drink."
"You're kidding?"
"What?"
"Well, I just walked in here and you offered me a drink. I accepted your generous offer, and now you want money for it?"
"No, you don't understand, this is a bar, I sell drinks, you have to pay for it."
"Look, I just came in to use the toilet, and next thing I knew, you offered me a drink. I would not have taken it if it was only for sale. I thought you were being nice."
"No, you know this is a bar, you have to pay, so cough up."
"I won't, I told you why."

Just at that, another customer butts in:
"Actually, I overheard the entire conversation. You did offer the drink, and he accepted. I am a lawyer, and in court, his argument would stand up."

The barman is seething:
“You cheap bastard. I don’t believe this. Finish your drink and get out, and don’t ever set foot in here again.”

The man finishes his drink and leaves.

Ten minutes later he comes back in. The barman looks on in amazement:
“I don’t believe it,” he says to the man.
“What?”
“I told you never to come back in here again only ten minutes ago, and here you come back again already.”
“No you didn’t, this is my first time in here.”
“Look, I barred you only ten minutes ago, I’m sure it was you.”
“No you didn’t. In fact, I only got in to town five minutes ago.”
“You’re sure it wasn’t you?”
“Absolutely certain. Never been here before, the customer protested.
“Well, that’s amazing. You must have a double.”
“Thank you. Make it a whiskey.”

[andy_e]

Waddya call a man with cow shit on his head?

What do you call a man with a crown of cow shit on his head?

 

P.S. Nice one grimer, quality.

[Somebody's Fool]

Not strictly a joke but this made me laugh. http://www.theonion.com/content/node/55032

[Idol eyes]

Whats orange and sounds like a parrott?

[Greg C]

A Carrot?

What's E.T. short for?

... he's got little legs.

[grimer]

Q. How do you know E.T. was a Protestant?




A. He looked like one.

[Idol eyes]

An English man, An Irish man and a Scotsman walk in to a bar, the bar tender says "is this some sort of fucking joke!"

[Nibile]

a bit dirty, but im italian...


two women, after a long fight with their husbands, manage to go out for dinner alone, just the two of them.
unused to be out without the company of their men, they easily lose control, and after a big dinner with lots of wine, and the following bar, they obviously end up being absolutely drunk.
in the car on the way home, they feel the urge to pee, and the only suitable place is a dark, small cemetery just beside the road.
the first one goes behind a grave, does what she has to do, and then realizes she has nothing to wipe with. so she uses her underwear, and trows it in the grass, then walks back to the car, very releaved.
the second woman does just the same behind a grave, and finds the same problem, but having just bought new silk and expensive underwear doesnt want to use it, so she grabs the first paper thing that comes to hand, ad uses that. then back to the car, they go home.
the following morning, the two husbands meet. the first one is furious, and says "my wife got home at five, drunk, and with no underwear, i had to kick her out of my house, its over!!!"
and the second one, very sad, replies "thats nothing!!! my wife also got home at five, drunk and with no underwear, but moreover, she had a card, on her ass that read: we will never forget you. john, paul, henry and all the guys from the rugby team!!!"

[andy_e]

 
nice one

[SA Chris]

What is wife short for?

Washing
Ironing
Fucking
Etc.

[grimer]