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Game For A Laugh! (Read 68029 times)

Houdini

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#25 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 02, 2006, 07:58:05 am
i was rather hoping that someone would come forward with a brilliant dogging story




Confused, I reached for the ever useful OED.  But was disappointed.


Thank heavens for the bright sparks at the Urban Dictionary!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dogging

andy_e

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#26 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 02, 2006, 12:59:09 pm
Quote from: Urban Shizzictionary
This year the newly created Ultimate Dogging Championships was held at Rivington nr Chorley, Lancs.

 :lol:

chappers

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#27 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 02, 2006, 04:55:54 pm
carring on the "fucking stupid things we did when younger" theme...

my bother and a few chums and i had a massive obsession with all things military when we were kids which lead us to spend all of our pocket money in an army surplus store in Catford.
anyhow we used to go get dressed up in combats and sneak around the woods - harmless.

until one November we added a load of fire works to the mix, or as we thought with the addition of a poster tube a "grenade launcher".

so there we were in the woods with our home made RPG which my bothers mate (against our strong attempts to persuade him otherwise) decided to unleash on some mountain bikers.

(i will point out at this juncture that it did NOT hit any one) but they were mighty pissed off. and decided to chase us through the woods with murder on their minds.

of course, my bigger brother made his get away in time, to leave me to take the rap.

needless to say my membership of our weekend army was cut short by my enraged parents who had to explain my behavior to the police.

andy_e

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#28 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 02, 2006, 05:52:12 pm
Fucking stupid I did two minutes ago:

After reading something on UKC I leant forward to type a reply. With an ominous creak and a groan, the bottom of the chair gave way and broke, sending me forward into the screen, and sending the (now separated) circular leg support of the chair flying backwards into our new shredder, also taking out an old stereo. Whoopsee.

Houdini

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#29 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 02, 2006, 08:26:46 pm
Chappers?





























Chappers?






























C H A P P E R S !   




























Wake up, mate!





















                                                                                                                                   Coffee?





















« Last Edit: June 03, 2006, 01:06:59 am by Houdini »

lorentz

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#30 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 03, 2006, 12:39:32 pm
Houdini. "I ain't no fucking fecal freak..." Not certain, but I think it's from Things to do in Denver when you're dead with Andy Garcia, Steve Buscemi as Mr Sssh and Christopher Walken as the truly terrifying, wheelchair-bound mastervillain. "Buckwheats..." Awesome film.

Also an awesome thread. Am reading in Russian hotel room and nearly fell off bed with laughter. Good work, chaps. Don't know if it qualifies because it's not gross enough, but was working as a runner once in an edit facility as a young, keen to impress media-whore wannabe back in the day. Was bringing drinks into senior editor and managing director of the company when I managed to walk straight into the closed perspex door with a loud "FUCK" whilst spilling coffee all over the myself and the surrounding hitech VT equipment. Luckily they saw the funny side and ended up working there for a year. Serves me right for trying to be a brown-nose I guess... :)

Houdini

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#31 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 03, 2006, 04:00:24 pm
Yep!  That's the flick in question, Garcia not Pacino.  "It was only an itty-bitty bit..."



Chappers - I've been doing a little snooping into your family tree and confirmed what I had suspected, that you are in fact a cousin (13 times removed) from a certain firebug frog I met in Thailand, as the video below clearly illustrates:



« Last Edit: June 03, 2006, 09:30:58 pm by Houdini »

Yossarian

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#32 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 03, 2006, 08:14:59 pm
another one.  they keep on rearing their ugly heads...

picture the scene. aged 18 and i'm a nasty little student.  a medical school friend invites me down to his parents pad for a bit of a session. together with a gaggle of his wannabe doctor friends.  we drive down in convoy, me in my tastefully dented (another story) escort popular van. the parents have a pool, in a rather impressive ex barn. this is kent, don't you know. anyway, there's a big beam above the pool. (i know what you're thinking - did he rack up a 20ft line of charlie, snort it in one nostril and then do a double back-flip to pike into the water? erm, no). so, one of the medics has a bit of a reputation.  he had an enormous penis. and there are lots of females around. so when we all pull in there is a race. a race to get naked, and a race to grab the beam and make sure every manhood is on display.  big cock wins by a length.

the party continues.  the booze is flowing, and there are plenty of juices flowing too. unfortunately, one of the girls finds herself ejecting all sorts of horrible liquid from between her very pretty lips. suddenly 9 months of dissection and gel electrophoresis don't look quite so flash. so the patron and some others drive her off to hospital.

now, the house is in the middle of about 3 acres of fine kentish land.  nicely manicured turf.  i've had a few drinks, and my car keys are burning a hole in my levis. then i have an out of body experience.  i can see myself from 6 ft up, and do you know who i've turned into? no? juha kankkunen... i run to the van, fire that fine diesel up, and go out for a lap of honour.  after that i load up with some other dieselheads, and we do like 10 laps of the garden.  when i finally park up there are chunks of grass and earth dropping off the undercarriage and onto the drive.

the ill girl stays in hospital and the others return. the drinking continues...

i am woken suddenly.  in fact, i am shaken awake.  then dragged to an upstairs window.  the view is amazing.  and at the same time worrying. because before me, lit up by the pale november sun, is a view of total and utter destruction. imagine if you will a finely tended lawn, neatly trimmed. and then slap on top of it a huge wiggly "O" of ruts, tyre marks and ruin.  it was like someone had invited a very mad mad max along.  awful.

there was nothing we could do about it.  absolutely nothing.  the place was a disaster area.  the friend had to tell his parents that some gatecrashers turned up, and it was all their fault. and it cost a fortune to have it all re-turfed.

what made me feel extra bad was that his mother bought be a very nice bottle of olive oil for my birthday the following year.  i almost wrote back saying "thank you very much. you probably haven't worked it out yet, but i was the cunt who destroyed your beautiful plot last autumn.  erm, sorry." but i couldn't bear it.

they've never worked out who it was, thank god...

Houdini

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#33 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 03, 2006, 08:36:14 pm
Y'know Yoss, I'm kinda running out these Tales of the Expected, and I'm just gonna have to sit back and watch for a while as I'm not really looking forward to even about thinking about one of my ultimate acts of cuntitude, never mind writing it.




Rah rah - there's an unopened bottle of Jägermeister chilling in the freezer.....




                                                                                                           ......I'm gonna crack it open now and...






see what happens....






(EDIT - A bastard behind the eyes the following morning is what happened....   Jäger'   Not 'alf!)
« Last Edit: June 04, 2006, 10:08:11 am by Houdini »

Houdini

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#34 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 03, 2006, 08:39:55 pm
As you can see from his last post, Yossarian has set a precedent.  So . . .





                                                                It's Official!







This thread is now officially open, not just for those Tales of the Expected,  but also for general acts of grossness and bastardism against your fellow 'friends'

The way I see it, Yoss and I are holding the fort here.  What is this?    Some kinda, some kinda circus?    Expecting people to have a laugh at their own expense was foolish of me.  So let's expand the parameters a little:   

The only place left to go is...
















































                                                                D O W N H I L L !!!!














As Hugh Cornwell of the Strangler's once said, "Let the flood-gates open wiiiiiiide."
« Last Edit: June 03, 2006, 09:00:33 pm by Houdini »

Yossarian

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#35 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 03, 2006, 09:16:36 pm
yeah. come on you fuckers... you must have done something wrong, once.
i feel like i've just opened my heart up at an AA meeting, to suddenly discover that i am in fact in the middle of a bible group discussing the benefits of pom wonderful over pomegreat.

Houdini

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« Last Edit: June 04, 2006, 10:18:10 am by Houdini »

Bubba

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#37 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 04, 2006, 09:03:02 am

Ah yes the leg-fetishist wannabe terrorist - I bet he's having trouble living it down since the whole internet now knows him!

Houdini

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#38 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 04, 2006, 11:17:31 am
OK then,  here's a real cracker:



Wooooooo, this is going back some now - I can't have been more than 8 years old.


I really don't recall where we came across a left-handed 7-iron; but it was well-shiny, and looked cool.  Golf!  Wow, that was something we got to see on the b/w box.  Myself and - at that time - a friend, blagged a golf ball from someone, and went onto the large field that was next to the Derbyshire County Cricket grounds, we used to call this place the Reck; I guess it's been long built over...

After some attempts, we were having very little success...  My friend had the bright idea of perhaps using it with our left hand.  Aye, much better, but it was long, so long was this iron and we were so small.  We did manage to crack-off a few reasonable shots, not very far of course; swapping over with a "Give it 'ere, it's my go now!". 

I do, and always have, dressed to the left and clearly this was not the correct tool for the job, but, well it was fun. 

Anyway, as my confidence with the left-hooker rose, I thought it was time to give it some real welly.  I settled into my far from perfect 8 year olds stance, swung hard to my left....

                                                                                    .....and felt an unusual resistance.




This was my friends head: his nose to be precise.  And fuck me did I open him a good one!  It was broke, it was clearly bust to fuck - as were my ear drums as the high pitched wwWWaaaAAARRRGGHHH!  shattered our once peaceful play. 

I'd never seen quite so much blood in my life: not just that which gurgled from his open wound, but all over the poor lads clothes and the ground beneath his feet.  We rushed back as fast as we could.  We reached my place first, grabbed the first towel I saw and shoved it in his face.  It was no use at all, he just wouldn't stop bleeding!

My mate ran out of the house, and started running so damn fast I wouldn't keep up with him even if I'd possessed half of Linford Christies' genes; he was well outta sight; I mean, there wouldn't have been any trouble deciding where he had gone: the blood trail would have shown his direction quite clearly.  I knew where he lived anyway, but being shocked to the hilt and petrified that I might have killed him, I gave up pursuit.

Nothing happened.  I mean nothing.  I waited for the axe to fall, but it never did.  No calls from his parents and absolutely no contact with my mate, ever again.  A few months later when I did summon the courage to visit his house, I was greeted by a stranger at the door,  "No, sorry chap.  But they moved out a while back.  We live here now."

To this day I often think of this lad.  He wasn't at all ugly, or at least, not before I rearranged his face for him; and I wonder if he ever had any psychological problems brought on by what was a truly horrible break; y'know, difficulty getting girls?  A phobia of golf?  For all I know he might even go into a state of shock every time The Masters is on TV.

Never did see him again...
« Last Edit: June 04, 2006, 09:07:15 pm by Houdini »

fatneck

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#39 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 04, 2006, 09:46:54 pm
On an embarrasing personal story theme (one of many I may or may not share with you...)

I was on a staff night out, nice restaurant, free food and booze etc, plate of mussels....

Very drunk, felt the need for a shit, hastened down to the stairs to the toilet. On the way down, thought I'd have be able to let a nice big fart out only I followed through enormously and totally shat myself. Nice....

I took myself in a cubicle to clean myself up and did my best but was left with a shitty pair of bills and nowhere to put em. So I lifted the lid of the cistern and threw them in, exited the toilet, went straight through the fire escape into a taxi and home....

Had to think of a good excuse for work colleagues and often wonder who discovered the evidence and what they did with them/thought....

What the fuck...

I was once nicked, by my Dad, pissing over the bannisters onto the landing directly outside their bedroom....

I once got into bed, naked, with my brother and his girlfriend and my mother had to come and take me back to my own bed as I wouldn't leave....

 :oops:

SA Chris

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#40 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 05, 2006, 08:26:29 am
When you are ten years old, a zip line always sounds like a great idea. Here's what you need to make one; about 50 ft of that shitty old multicoloured nylon rope. All you need to do is climb as high as you dare up the tallest tree in the garden and tie it off using whatever knot you can remember. Then you stretch it across the lawn and lie it off to the bottom of another one. Don't worry about making it too tight, as the tree it's tied to the top of just bends anyway. Next you need something to hold on to while you are sliding down. If a large old steel tentpeg bent in half using the vice in the garage is all you can find, just use that. Next find a guinea pig to try it out first. The lanky gung ho one called Chris is probably your best bet.

So there I was, standing on this branch, visions of commando assult units in my head, tentpeg in hands. And I jumped....

When i looked up from the ground I could see a narrow gap between the branches. I somehow missed every single one and came to land flat on my back in a flowerbed, and walked away unharmed. Unharmed, that, is, apart from the fact that the flowerbed was the one favoured by the cat as its "parking lot" for shit, hairballs, etc.

Fuck knows what happened to the tentpeg, it probably went into orbit having been launched by the largest bow and arrow in the world.

Falling Down

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#41 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 05, 2006, 04:44:50 pm
 :great: keep it up fellas.

Chris - Your story of literally pissing in the wind reminds me.

I was on my way to Harrogate to run a workshop for some very senior civil servants.  It was blowing a hoolie that day and the A1 was full of lorries lying on their side... I'd driven up early from home and had a big mug of coffee on the way - just outside Harrogate I'm absolutely busting for a waz and stop in a layby to relieve myself.  I face away from the howling wind, but it was so strong my body created some kind of turbulence zone and everything just sprayed everywhere.  I was wearing the full monty business outfit, white shirt, tie, suit etc. and I was covered in about of gallon of piss with ten minutes to go before I had to stand at the front of a room in front of about twenty people.  Nothing for it but to carry on regardless... I kept my jacket buttoned up and got on with the job and hope that I didn't smell like Catweasle.

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#42 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 05, 2006, 05:10:35 pm
Ok, on a young lad getting injured tip!

me and Bubba used to spend out formative years pissing around symonds yat, getting scared on run out hvs with mud cornices and grovelling around in caves when it rained! Back in them days it was common for us to carry an ice axe which was used to clean new lines, mainly by a mate of ours who was pretty handy! The yat was pretty loose (prob still is) and did need a lot of cleaning ,but  we were young and didnt know better!

So im at the bottom of the Hole in the Wall area wielding this axe and generally being an arse. Theres loads of trees so im whacking the axe into the  trunk  of this live tree and pulling up on it. Bubba tells me to stop, I ignore him and whack in it goes, he tells me again, whack in again with a resounding fuck off from me, swing...bubba tries to grab my hand...ice axe  trajectory is deflected and the head hits the trunk sideways bounces back and twats me full on just above my eye.
'BASTARD!!!!! I yell with my hand clutched to my face......claret starts to gush through my fingers from my now classic boxer type eye injury thats gaping like an opened envelope. bubba now goes white and starts to apologies.
Ended up in ross on wye hozzer where i had insult to injury when a nurse stitched me back up for 35mins all the time thinking I was a girl. Had to tell my folks I had tripped over

Yossarian

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#43 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 05, 2006, 05:48:32 pm
piss, blood, poo...

this thread is infectious.

i think it needs a health warning.

Houdini

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Houdini

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#45 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 05, 2006, 06:32:30 pm
A Death Slide story


I'll recount this tale as if I were the one who told it to me.



No, I'd better not.  He's fucking illiterate and from a Dead-Zone of deepest, deeeeeepest Norfolk; that's deeper than Fakenham, even deeper than East Dereham (and if you've ever spent time in E. Dereham, or have driven through this most obvious of examples of what happens when too many people have spent far, far too long 'pissing in the gene pool', you'll be diggin' ma jive!  Or as a friend of mine calls it, the place where the sub-species Derehamibia chromoretarda was first discovered...


                               ....but that's another tale.


Essentially, the guy who told me this was in the Scouts during the early 60's.  And in a pine forest by a N. Norfolk beach, the scouts set up a zip line. 

They drew straws for who would be the first to test it, and one lucky, lucky boy was chosen.  He climbs the rope ladder to the high point, where Bageira; or some other paedophile, helped him into the stirrup/leashy things. 

And he's off!  Watch as he wiggles with pure, undilute joy as the very well-greased pulley affords him a quite frightening pace!  Listen to his squeals of excitement as he feels his tummy churn!   It's like, it's as if he wants it never to end! 

He was sharply disappointed.

No doubt Bageira was faaaar too interested in sizing-up young Reginald Smoog or perhaps little Jimmy Braithwaite for a good hard fuck back at the ranch, when in fact he should have been checking the line, and in particular, tying-in a good 'stopper knot' to prevent the unthinkable, yet sadly, now a reality....   

Crunch!  or rather THWACK!  As the young winner loses damn near every fucking tooth in his now very very bloody head...


The guy who told me this tale - he mentioned the boy literally spitting tooth after tooth after bloody tooth from his mouth.  Needless to say, his days in the scouts had come to an end.

chappers

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#46 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 06, 2006, 09:58:56 am
thanks for the video houdini.

once upon a time i was in vancover with quite a few mates. we had had a few too many drinks in our hotel and decided it would be a good idea to go up to the roof balcony. this invloved us walking through the gym and out through the sliding doors.
i thought it would be a great idea to go on the treadmill with my bum out to amuse all my chums. fine.
only then i decided it would be a great idea to try to run backwards (which believe it or not i could not manage).
this lead to me skidding off my feet, onto my bare arse which then shot me off the tred mill onto the carpet where i ended up with some quite substantial carpet burns on both "cheeks" and my shoulder blades.
turns out the "injured by rough sex look" is not in??!! :shag: :-[

SA Chris

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#47 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 06, 2006, 11:41:49 am
 ::)

Wad points awarded.

That would earn a fortune on You've Been Framed.

chappers

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#48 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 08, 2006, 04:45:31 pm
another embarrassing, not so gruesome story:


Recently I have been clearing a lot of stuff up getting ready to move up north again, and I found my swimming badges from when I was a child. I was pretty impressed that I got the 400m badge so I told my girlfriend.
To which her response was “getting mine was the most distressing day of my life to date”
The story is as follows. She was swimming away, (a lot slower than other children in her class) and ended up with all of the peers outside of the pool watching her after they had finished a few lengths earlier.
The more she swam, the slower and more tired she got and worst of all, the more she needed to go for a piss.
Eventually the end to the embarrassing ordeal arrived, and she hopped out of the pool to make for the toilets, but to her horror she was stopped on the way to be awarded with her badge in front of her class.
To which her response was…………..to piss herself, and once she started she didn't want to stop, she just let rip, and did (in her words) “one of those long, just woke up, really satisfying pee's”. Not even a towel to cover up her shameful act.

Houdini

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#49 Re: Game For A Laugh!
June 08, 2006, 04:59:39 pm
Some of us may merely dream at the amount of waddage flying!

 

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