[Houdini]

Normally I would pay a man close to two and a half times my bodyweight to beast my overly tight thoracic vertebrae into some semblance of supplety.  I'm not in Wales right now and I am loathe to visit another physio' as I've built up a nice rapport with the one I have, and I trust him.

As I write I feel like I've taken a sledgehammer between my shoulderblades.  My vertebrae tighten up and spazz my posture, causing me to resemble an old man drooling over a dog-eared copy of Razzle found on a park bench...

 

I'm currently a mere 56 kg, and the strife is nearly 10 kg lighter than me.  Bless her, she has tried, but she can't generate enough force to cope with this level of tightness.

Can anyone out there recommend an exercise I can perform myself to crack the little swine open again?

[SA Chris]

This sounds well dodgy, and not to be recommended in public. First interlock your fingers around the back of your neck and bend your head forward. Then get a close "friend" to lift you up by the elbows and pull them in slightly and give you  bit of a jerk (read into that what you will). This can sort out vertebrae sometime. Works for me anyway, although I haven't had any hassles with it for a while.

Usual disclaimers apply.

[Houdini]

Then get a close "friend" to lift you up by the elbows and pull them in slightly

Thanks for that Chris, but what exactly do you mean by the quote above.  In what direction/plane should the elbows be pulled?

I know of one other method, but I'm getting no joy from it:  Adopt the floppy gait of Cro-magnon Man, then kinda (keeping feet in the same position) start rotating left and right from the hip (I think), remaining loose, and allowing the centripetal force of the arms - as one swings - to crank the spine open.   Back and forth, back and forth, etc..   It ain't working, I'm just too tight @ the mo'.

[webbo]

i had my regular maintance appt with the osteo last night and one he did on me that goes like this.lying on your back cross arms across chest raise upper torso off floor,osteo places fist between shoulder blades then body slams you.you might need a year or two of training to perform this correctly.

[Houdini]

Ah!  That sounds swell!   But my adled memory has just trawled something up from it's depths involving two tennis balls in a sock...  the rest is lost!

[SA Chris]

Sorry, hard to explain. Pull your elbows towards you, so that your head is pulled downwards, to stretch your neck. Need to lock your hands together tightly, easy if you have big knuckles.

[Houdini]

Duh!  Thank God I've given up blow.  This memory....




I know exactly what you mean now:

One time, in the UAE, on top of a teflon roof I was welding, I went into 'out-of-nowhere-insto-spasm'.  One of the Turkish men I was working with (who had pretty much the same physique and likeness as the massive dude on Street-Fighter EX2 plus alpha) performed said manoeuvre on me.   The only thing I recall, was the pain during and after he performed this ragdoll act.  It did go away though...                ...after a while.

I'm psyching up zee heavy German in the next room....    "You vill be lifting me by zee ellbögen, ja."










OK - we're both getting a bit drunk now, and I've managed to convince him that he won't put me in a wheelchair, and that I can take it.....

(I know that dope is a muscle relaxant, but I've lost interest in that.   Has anyone ever smoked the petals of the RED (and only red) Passion Flower?  My physio actually recommended it as a legal relaxant.) 







Well - now I'm hangin' - & Christ-on-a-stick, thank fuck for that!  I need to grow me some fat knuckles, sharpish.  Myself and the Big Man just got a little too close for discomfort.  Right now, I'll take the sledgehammer, thanks all the same.

Two years of training?!  I need two years on the fuckin' rack after that! 

I'll take care of this the old fashioned way:  7 hours non-stop on the dancefloor - followed by a search of Hamburg's Turkish Quarter for large mustachioed men.

Ooooh, Matron!

[fatneck]

  Genius thread...

[Houdini]

Wish You Were Here, Bayram.

[SA Chris]

Class Houdini, class.

Deadhanging can sometmes straighten it out.

[Bubba]

That is one of the funniest posts I've read on here Houdini

Also reminds me of Noir et blanc, one of the strangest films I've ever seen - it's about *hard* massage...and darker things too 

[Houdini]

So - a little plug - my physio was Zac Laraman.  He's the Man Toucher on the left in the pic below:



And as you can see, The Force is strong in him.  However, he is now based in London; having left his old spot of Brynrefail in the newish business park/Y Caban cafe thingy.  And he's The Shit.  Any of you London-types/Southern Poofs would be wise to contact him if you were looking for a new Sports Physiotherapist.  He comes recommended by many, as you can see on the website www.sportsresource.org

Sports Injury Services:
304a California Building,
Deals Gateway,
London SE13 7SF
Tel/Fax - 0208 691 2109

Failing that, you could do what I did last night which was to throw plenty of Jägermeister down my neck in a greedy, desperate fashion, and went see my new physio:  DRJ Heiko Laux, who'll definitely 'sort you out'!



It works!







(And thanks for the tip Bubba, rest assured, it will find it's way into my private collection.)

EDIT - Zac has informed me that he is NOT a Sports Physiotherapist, but a Sports Masseur, currently in training to be an osteopath.  Well whoda thunk it?

[Johnny Brown]

Apologies for not continuing the westness, but I've had a big problem with tension alongside the spine for the last year or so. Best way of cracking the vertebrae between the shoulder blades I've found...

hang arms loosely behind back, hands by waist. Interlock fingers, then rotate thumbs down until elbows n shoulders prevent further, swing arms back if needed. I go instantly form hunch to upright.
Doing it in a chair with your knees wedged under a desk is even more effective.

method 2, stick thumbs either side of spine and crank elbows and shoulders back so thumbs push spine and chest forward.

Any physios tell me if doing this several times a day is bad?

[Houdini]

...hang arms loosely behind back, hands by waist. Interlock fingers, then rotate thumbs down until elbows n shoulders prevent further, swing arms back if needed.

Thanks for the advice.  I've managed to get half a click from the method above.  As for method 2, no joy as I can't get my thumbs high enough.  For the moment I'm concentrating on drinking much less coffee, and more soluble calcium and magnesium tablets in the hope that they will stop/reduce cramping in the zone.  PS.  The cheap tablets from Lidl et al don't work - you need to spend a bit more.

(& I'm sure any physio would tell you/us what we're doing is wrong:   Physio' (to us) "Y'know you could really hurt yourself playing Doctor."    Physio' to him/herself: "Tight as a ducks' arse, this one!")

[SA Chris]

Reminds me of the old fast show sketch;

"Right, I'm going to try something called manipulation"
"If you think it will help doctor"
"That's good, because I haven't got a clue what I'm talking about. A complete fraud, me"

[Monolith]

Have you tried looking up any form of Yoga for your back pain?I'd think there might be a posture out there related to solving your problem?

[Houdini]

I'm joining a Pilates group.

None of that, "Now, let's just relax and focus on our Third Eye", bull.

[Monolith]

Houdini,

Just relax, and concentrate on your third eye man. I gave yoga a go last sunday and was pleasantly surprised. The guy who took the class was ace and took us through some ace positions. ALthough I do have to admit, the softness of his voice did get a little too soft.

[Houdini]

You wouldn't happen to have taken this class @ a certain town in N. Wales, would you?




The class run by "G"?    Who is most fond of reminding his students to, "Relax those anal muscles!"




The guy's a real pro.




Advertising is often such a crock of shit.  But because it actually works, I'm prepared to endorse this product.



One of the great things about Germany is they take things seriously here, for example, beer, techno, the mullet and leather waistcoats.  But they also have a fantastic array of bathing goods on offer.  And that is one area I've found the UK wanting in.  (Radox!  I ask ye!)  This product contains a host of oils and salicylic acid, or as we normally call it, asprin.  I get great relief from this stuff when I've gone spasticated.

(If anyone has found and can recommend a similar UK product, please do.)

[Monolith]

no, sadly not a north wales class. a wirral one. our instructor is calld Sad.
That bathing formula looks ace! What an idea, combining aspirin with bath water. The Germans are light years ahead in such departments. Reckon you could take an overdose of that shit? Death by bathing solution would be a weird one.

[Timatron]

Sport Massage, Chiropractic, and Osteopathy all provide short term relief from problems such as back pain.  However, these guys rarely attempt to treat the more important underlying problems which lead to your pain.  Perhaps if they did this you wouldn't keep going back and spunking another £30 into their bank accounts (or am I just being cynical?).  I have a lot of experience working with these 'health proffessionals' and personally have some serious doubts about the validity of many of them and the claims they make, but that's a different matter altogether.

Back pain can be caused by many different things, but as a climber, it's likely to be related to your posture.  Climbing often causes a kyphotic posture in the thoracic spine because of very tight pecs., lats. and rec. abs. (aka the 'six pack').  Mix that with a general slouchy posture, or sitting at a computer all day and you're asking for trouble.

Several things can help this; standing and sitting taller, with your chin pulled back will help.  As will stretching the offending muscles.  Getting down the gym and strengthening some of the opposing muscles can help too.

A good way to check your thoracic posture is to stand flat against a wall and raise your arms up.  You should be able to put them flat against the wall without your spine moving at all.  Alternatively, hold a bar (anything will do, such as a garden cane) above your head.  Then do a squat.  You should be able to keep your arms in the vertical position and experience no discomfort.  Finally, try lying on your back.  Get someone to take hold of your arms and hold them behind your head.  They then let go of your arms.  Your arms should fall flat on the ground if your posture is good.

Try searching on the net for posture related sites.  I think there are some good ones.

Sorry this post isn't very funny,  thought it might help a few of you out.

All the best,

Tim.

[Houdini]

Thanks for a considerate reply, Tim.

One of the reasons I have been willing to post Zac Laramans' details is that right from the start, he has made a point of stressing that what he wants, what he really really wants, is to get people to help themselves.

He has provided me with corrective exercises for all my various ailments.  And when I've been a good boy and performed them as shown, I have seen genuine results in my posture.

However, I'm a slack bastard and frequently lose important shit, such as my exercise sheets (and the will to do them).  More fool me.

Star that he is, he will post me (hardcopy) all that I need - in order to once more - learn to help myself and stop paying him.  There are too many spastix out there for him to worry about me not going that often.  There are some very kind hearted and generous people out there, you just need to find them; and that could take a while (but I do know what you mean about some of the 'professional classes').  I've often had  near an hour and a half beasting for just 40 quid.  Worth every penny.

Now! I am Captain Exercise!  And will add your suggestions to my ever growing list.  Thanks mate.



Right, fellow Spazztards!  Help Zac out in his new practice. So many have left his torture-chamber satisfied! He's was not greedy with his pricing in Wales (well, now it's swish London, so maybe prices have necessarily changed.  Check him out.)

I'll post on here what he sends me, as some people have the same issues as I.

[widdop]

having had a occupation that involved a lot of bending ,shoing horses, and having near constant back pain and thoracic tightness it was thought to be occupational,  after years it has been diagnosed as Ankylosing Spondylitis .

[Houdini]

Figure I'm not the only one who has never heard of this crippism:



Ankylosing means fusing together. Spondylitis indicates inflammation of the vertebrae. Both words come from the Greek. So, AS describes the condition by which some or all of the joints and bones of the spine fuse together. Entire fusing of the spine is unusual. Many people will only have partial fusion, sometimes limited to the pelvic bones.

What exactly is AS?

AS is a painful, progressive, rheumatic disease. It mainly affects the spine but it can also affect other joints, tendons and ligaments. Other areas, such as the eyes, lungs, bowel and heart can also be involved.

What actually happens?

Inflammation occurs at the site where certain ligaments or tendons attach to bone (enthesis). This is followed by some erosion of bone at the site of the attachment (enthesopathy). As the inflammation subsides, a healing process takes place and new bone develops. Movement becomes restricted where bone replaces the elastic tissue of ligaments or tendons. Repetition of this inflammatory process leads to further bone formation and the individual bones which make up your backbone, the vertebrae, can fuse together. The pelvis is commonly affected first. The lower back, chest wall and neck may also become involved at different times.

Is AS common?

AS affects approximately 1 in 200 men and 1 in 500 women in Britain.

Who gets AS?

Men, women and children can all suffer from AS. It typically strikes people in their late teens and twenties, with the average age being 24. However, symptoms can start at other periods of life. AS is more common in men, with nearly three times as many men having it as women.

Is AS different in men, women and children?

Yes. AS tends to affect men, women and children in slightly different ways. Men: The pelvis and spine are most commonly affected. Other joints which may be involved are the chest wall, hips, shoulders and feet.

Women: Involvement of the spine is generally less severe than in men. The pelvis, hips, knees, wrists and ankles are the most commonly involved. Children: It is unusual for a child under the age of 11 to develop symptoms of AS. The joints which are typically affected first are the knees, ankles, feet, hips and buttocks. They rarely suffer from back pain. In youngsters, AS may lead to persistent hip disease ultimately requiring a hip replacement sometime in adult life.

What are the symptoms of AS?

Typical symptoms of AS include:

Slow or gradual onset of back pain and stiffness over weeks or months, rather than hours or days.
Early-morning stiffness and pain, wearing off or reducing during the day with exercise.
Persistence for more than three months (as opposed to coming on in short attacks).
Feeling better after exercise and feeling worse after rest.
Weight loss, especially in the early stages.
Fatigue.
Feeling feverish and experiencing night sweats.

Does AS affect other joints?

Yes. AS sometimes causes aching, pain and swelling in the hips, knees and ankles. Indeed, any joint can be affected. In most cases the pain and swelling will settle down after treatment. It is particularly important to stretch the hip joint to prevent stiffening in a bent position making you lean forward. The heel bone can become particularly troublesome causing pain in two areas. Most common is the under surface, about three centimetres from the back of the foot. This is called plantar fasciitis and can last for many weeks. It may respond to an insole for the shoe designed to take weight off that part of the heel. The less common pain arises at the back of the heel where the Achilles tendon is attached to the heel bone. Pressure from the shoe may aggravate the pain.

Does AS affect other organs?

Yes. AS can sometimes affect the eyes, heart and lungs. These effects are not life-threatening and they can be treated with relative ease.




This is heavily shortened.  Sorry to have to put this condition to your avatar.  (I have mild scoliosis, but almost everyone does.)

Hope it doesn't force you to change your job; assuming you love being a farrier.




(PS - Having tried your cane-to-squat, I've vowed never to again:  the clicks, grinds and pops that fire out from beneath both kneecaps share the shit out of me!  However, the back against the wall then arm raise worked well and a got a couple good of loosening cracks, and actually feel a bit taller: woooooo, maybe I'm 5' 6" now  )

[Houdini]

Finally managed to isolate in my mind the major source of pain from the fug.  Lower trapezoid is in constant contraction from what I believe to be my habit of sitting side on with the laptop on my right and twisting to type withe my hands at chest level.

And here's the solution:



At last!  A desk I can get my legs under!


Amazing how slow y'can be sometimes.
 

[Simon S]

having had a occupation that involved a lot of bending ,shoing horses, and having near constant back pain and thoracic tightness it was thought to be occupational,  after years it has been diagnosed as Ankylosing Spondylitis .

So its not just me thats got this then! How long have you had it?
I got diagnosed about 3 years ago, before that I walked around like an old man, unable to run or even put my socks on in the morning. The pain was unbeleivable.

I agree with Tim about his comments on chiropratic and osteopathy-so many people seem to rave about how good they are and say they need to go back every 6 months. Not really sorting the problem is it! Personally I wouldn't go near them, as there range knowledge seems limited.  As I was, I was only diagnosed after seeing two GPs and two physios. The second of which cost a fortune, but it proved to be well worth it.

[widdop]

Spondylitis  is hard to live with , i was 20 when i started with having real problems the doc was baffled, i carried on and it was no fun looking back it was the getting over to others the real pain you were in that got me down . And it took another 10 years before the docs twigged ,and boy they were grim years ,i am 60 this year   and this is going to be the last year i will be shoing horses, all the advise i can give is keep moving and learn to live with it ,the loss of chest movment and lung capacity to me is a problem ,and on the bright side once the joints have fused that area becomes less painful , 

[Huffy]

This sounds well dodgy, and not to be recommended in public. First interlock your fingers around the back of your neck and bend your head forward. Then get a close "friend" to lift you up by the elbows and pull them in slightly and give you  bit of a jerk (read into that what you will). This can sort out vertebrae sometime. Works for me anyway, although I haven't had any hassles with it for a while.

Usual disclaimers apply.

Arrrgh!!!!!   

I know you have kind of qualified this with your disclaimer but it needs to be reiterated quickly (cos you know how literal some people take things from the net) that this sort of 'trick' can mark the start of all sorts of chronic long term problems with your neck!

The term for manouvers like this in physio is 'manips' short for manipulations and there are all sorts of courses you need to go on to qualify to be able to do this stuff. The spine is a pretty stable structure but the many ligaments, tiny muscles, facet joints and nerves are all potentially vulneralble to damage when doing manips. They are not the answer and only offer a short term solution to the probem as someone else has already said. Need regular prescribed exercises from a good sports physio ideally.

I know of people with AS who've seen dietitions for a while which apparently helped witht he inflammatory nature of this condition (all have been early stage as far as i know).

[Houdini]

This sounds well dodgy, and not to be recommended in public. First interlock your fingers around the back of your neck and bend your head forward. Then get a close "friend" to lift you up by the elbows and pull them in slightly and give you  bit of a jerk (read into that what you will). This can sort out vertebrae sometime. Works for me anyway, although I haven't had any hassles with it for a while.

Usual disclaimers apply.

Arrrgh!!!!!   

I know you have kind of qualified this with your disclaimer but it needs to be reiterated quickly (cos you know how literal some people take things from the net) that this sort of 'trick' can mark the start of all sorts of chronic long term problems with your neck!

The term for manouvers like this in physio is 'manips' short for manipulations and there are all sorts of courses you need to go on to qualify to be able to do this stuff. The spine is a pretty stable structure but the many ligaments, tiny muscles, facet joints and nerves are all potentially vulneralble to damage when doing manips. They are not the answer and only offer a short term solution to the probem as someone else has already said. Need regular prescribed exercises from a good sports physio ideally.

I know of people with AS who've seen dietitions for a while which apparently helped witht he inflammatory nature of this condition (all have been early stage as far as i know).

Don't worry Huff, I'm not that daft to try every piece of advice from my fellow crips!  Infact, I have more issues with congenital-BS than AS...

However, I'd like to add, that the majority of manipulation techniques we see performed by sports masseurs etc.. have their roots in much older manipulative practices such as Thai massage - of which I'm a big fan.  I got through a recent 9 week or so bouldering trip (of burning the candle at both ends) by having two (not quite that full) full-body Thai massages a week;  from the oldest, ugliest hag you'd be likely to see in many snoop into massage parlours. 

She'd been at it for over 40 years, and clearly knew from one look at the Quasimodo stance I'd greet her with, what I needed her to do.  I did try and shop around a bit, looking for something approaching this century's model, but found them a little wanting in technique.  I went back to the old gal soon after.  She was a real bruiser, and I've rarely responded to a softly-softly approach.

Many professionals frequently talk out of their flaps, often mis-diagnosing the problem, and even exaccerbating the issue with disinformation.  Look at how many second opinions are sought by people with medical issues.

I'd never advocate completely trusting some old dear with a greater power to weight ratio than I could ever hope for; but neither would I suggest that people simply listen to only what their first pro has to say.  Knowledge is power.

[Huffy]

Hehe,

Dont worry matey, that post was not aimed at you (you really seem to know your stuff). It was for the people that might wreck themselves by assuming improvised homemade manips are the way forwards. I have seen a few cases of this when doing musculo skeletal outpatients.

Hope injuries are sorted.

Huffy

[SA Chris]

I know it was a sketchy suggestion and wouldn't recommend it if you have any doubts.

Is it getting any beter Houdini?

Still toight like a toiger?

[Houdini]

You know dude, I've actually got the most relief from an exercise that I remember from my misspent youth.  After not being able to get out of bed one time, I had a home visit from a doc.  He recommended that I lay down on my back on a carpet, go foetal, then rock back and forth.  This seems to be the ticket, and the thoraco-spasmic zone is becoming more flexible again.

But I haven't even mentioned the issue of my er, cervical tightness.  These vertebrae seems fused solid, and are making me look tres birdy.  I Just cannot do any exercise that I know to loosen-the-fux up a bit, and figure a good pro-beasting from a heavy-handed Kraut is in the post.

However, menisci problems in both knees are getting worse, and the patellae just won't stop bulging outwards.  Even a few K walking is a painful pest.  And now, I really am wishing that Nodder and I robbed that crip-chair that we saw unattended in Manc' Airport one time.  I'm off to see a orthopaedic shoemaker this week for special insoles, to help put them (the patellae) back in place.

When I'm back in the UK - I'm off to a cosher knee-specialist, and see if surgery is an option.  I've never driven (legally) and I figure that 30+ years of questing on foot has contributed to my spazz knees/ankles - not to mention collapsed heel-arches and rolling over on the ankle more times that I'd like to recall.

Naturally, I refuse to let mere injury stop me being (sorry, imagining) that I'm a God, and whatever happens, will go out in a blaze of glory, or ignominy etc..

Ain't it da troof!  White-boy!

[Falling Down]

This thread has been a real eye opener - I've been going to physio once or twice a year for tight Thorassic Vertebrae and Fascia manipulation.  I've found that adjusting my sitting posture to a concave lower back rather than slouching really helps.  However, the AS symptoms were scarily similar to other aches and pains and things that have been going on... perhaps I should see a Doctor..

[Houdini]

I posted these suggestions in the Patella Tracking Abnormality thread.  I'll repeat myself here:



Lie flat on your back with a towel rolled underneath the knee.  Rotate the ankle away from the body, then push down on the towel with your knee.  Hold for 10 secs.  Release.  Repeat 3 times, 3 times a day.

The same exercise can be performed sitting:

Straighten (raise up) the lower half of your leg til it is at approximately 80% extension.  Rotate the ankle outwards, then straighten the leg to it's fullest extent.  This will ultimately re-distribute muscle mass evenly on the knee and drag the patella back into position.






I'm grateful for the suggestion to take up footie.... 
                                                                      ....however, as an erectooooor of tensile fabric structures, more often than not I find myself working in football stadiums in 3 -5 month blox of grind.  I despise, loathe, abhor, and detest, The Ugly Game - in short - I fucking HATE football with a passion that excedes even the blood-boiling hatred that I would normally reserve for proper-cox like Jamie Oliver. 

The irony of what I have just written is not lost on me...

In fact, there are but 4 more days to go before Hamburg and the stadium I helped build and have been back to correct time and time and time again, will be overflowing with scum!

My secretary is making preparations to escape this god-forsaken town ASA(humanly fucking)P!  I just hope she doesn't forget to take me with her.

[Duma]

I haven't ever suffered, and know sweet fa about, AS, but saw this mentioned in an interview with a 'laughter coach' (yeah, I know). Book called 'Anatomy of an Illness' by Norman Cousins - apparently the guy cured himself of AS through laughter.

[SA Chris]

In that case Houdini will be cured in no time.

[Houdini]

Touche!



Though Chris, is saddens me to have to inform you, there is currently no cure for Congenital-BS.

[widdop]

This thread has been a real eye opener - I've been going to physio once or twice a year for tight Thorassic Vertebrae and Fascia manipulation.  I've found that adjusting my sitting posture to a concave lower back rather than slouching really helps.  However, the AS symptoms were scarily similar to other aches and pains and things that have been going on... perhaps I should see a Doctor..

       
     
             a simple blood test will give you the answer     ,say you think AS       all the best 

[Houdini]

I'm off to strap myself in to one of these thingumajigs later today; I hope I can still use it in a straight-jacket.



"Urrgh!  Crippy...."

Let you know if it's the bizzle or da shizzle.

[Houdini]

OK.

This is what I know about the Cripulator/Crip-u-later:




Myself and my obese türk/kraut friend had to endure many a stinky armpit on the underground to get to this place, eventually we found what we were looking for: the freebie automated massage parlour.  On entering we are greeted by what appeared to resemble a room full of OAP's strapped into networked orgasmatrons; their crotches rose and undulated in unison, the wave continued along to their skulls before decending once more to the hip, as the strangest of sounds emanated from their half-dead lips.  They were probably getting the hardest fuck in forty years...

We were greeted by a smiling Chinaman who said he was pleased to meet us and honoured that we had come to test his company's device.  He ushered us towards the seating where we were soon to be joined by a gaggle of assorted crips and olds.  The Chinaman noticed that I was covering my ears and had been since I sat down.

"Something wong?"
"Too right!" I spat.  "How am I supposed to relax and get in the mood with all this sheissdreck musak playing?  Haven't you got any Enya or whalesong..?  Anything!"
"Aaah!  ha ha.  No.  This music was specially composed to stop you from falling asleep on the massage bed.  So let's start with a little sing-song to help get rid of that stress.  After me:   Ra ra ra-ra-ra  ceragem Yeaaaah!"  (punching the air with each word).

I was sure this was a test and nothing to do with stress at all, nevertheless, Jasmin and I joined in and it was over quick enough.  It was time for us to take up our positions on the bed.

As the picture in the post above shows, the cripulator is basically a set of jade rollers that move along the spine, the undulation I noticed was the rollers applying pressure at specific points along the spine.   The jade rollers are heated to 60°C and they are hidden by the padding which you lie upon.  They also provide you with a device that looks somewhat like a carton for a dozen eggs.  This is a series of infra-red heating lamps which you are encouraged to place on a problem area.  No problem, slap it on the left knee, mate...

(All the time this was happening, we were treated to this particular tune, none-fucking-stop:

              Here's the place were your healthy life begins...
              A place where won-derful love-story begins...
              It's the place where your precious encounter takes place...
              This place is cera-cera-gem!

Chorus:    Coooooome leeeeet's joiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin iiiiiin haaaaaar-mon-yyyyy!
              Coooooome leeeeet's loooooooove wiiiiiith ceragem!
              Coooooome to a healthy new woooooooorld!
              Happy days are wai-ting for you and meeeee!
              Coooooome join with meeeee, to a better world!
              Cerageeeeeem!
              Cera!
              Cera-cera-geeeeeeeeeeeeem!)

               (Ad nauseum)

...When the bed has reached it's temperature it starts, from the hip, to roll slowly along the spine towards the head.  It does this for a few cyles before reaching the lower back region and rising upwards, streching the spine as it rises.  It will wait here for what to me seemed like too long, before descending slightly and moving to the thoracic region, pushing upwards, and waiting for a while before moving along to the cervical region.  This process of roll - lift - stretch - descend - move - I found to be OK, with the exception of when it needed to move past the scapulae.  Mine stick out a bit from the press-ups/bouldering.  The rollers did have a habit of grabbing on to an edge of blade-bone and dragging me along the bed for a moment before depositing me with a clunk.  The Chinaman noticed this and suggested I try to relax more: go floppy.  I complied, and the passage of the rollers became easier as they moved on up to my neck.  In total, the Cripulator had me in it's clutches for 40 minutes.

I got off the bad sweating like a fat Finn in a sauna, and then endured the spiel about the benefits of this device.  There and then, I wanted to kung-fu kick him in the neck, but I figured he might be better at that particular game than I, I chose instead to do a joga stretch to allieviate the chronic case of the crips I had in the lower back.  This worked.  The dude assured me this was quite normal for first timers, and that second time it would be much smoother.  For a moment I was lost in youthful rememberance...     ...before snapping out of it and saying that I would return.

Since then I've returned once and noticed an instant improvement in the bird-neck thing I mentioned in another post.  It also helped to batter down that spasm-thang I've got in the lower trapezoid.  Of course, that's returned and will probably always be there unless I get some strong thumbs on it...   But overall, despite the fact that this is a machine and can neither hear nor respond to your feedback automatically, I found it to be most useful.

But I do wish they wouldn't try and fuck with our minds with that tune!  I'm convinced it was composed by Chinese pig-witches who added just too many subliminal messages for our own good.  @ nearly 2 and a half thousand € they can bog off!  But I'll go back for more freebies, now that I've worked out that the temperature can be raised or lowered to suit my needs.

Jasmin and I cradled our backs as we walked back to the underground, but she was a little disturbed by my swift rendition of Private Dancer, which, right then, me swede really, really needed.


Caveat emptor...