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only joking (Read 376844 times)

Mike Tyson

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#1200 Re: only joking
November 27, 2017, 09:58:54 pm
Saw a bloke at the beach the other day snogging a shell, so I asked him "what you doing?!"
 
He said "I've pulled a mussel!"

Mike Tyson

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#1201 Re: only joking
November 27, 2017, 10:11:08 pm
Where do you take pies to be weighed?





Somewhere over the rainbow......




 
Weigh a pie.....

mrjonathanr

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#1202 Re: only joking
November 27, 2017, 10:41:50 pm
That'll be Wigan then.

Mike Tyson

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#1203 Re: only joking
February 17, 2018, 09:54:45 am
Why was the Moon board sad?

It had so many problems.......  :sorry: :tumble: :tease:

Mike Tyson

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#1204 Re: only joking
March 10, 2018, 01:29:28 am
I was in Waterstones today.

The lady in the shop said, "Can I help sir"

Yes I replied, "I'm looking for a book about a bloke with a small penis"

"I'll see if it's in", she replied.

"That's the one" I said


Oldmanmatt

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#1205 Re: only joking
July 14, 2018, 08:44:19 am

Oldmanmatt

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#1206 Re: only joking
December 19, 2018, 09:19:24 pm
For reference.

Dark green = live, drill is blue (US).



Mike Tyson

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#1207 Re: only joking
January 13, 2019, 11:36:51 am
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in
Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they
could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good
value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

bigironhorse

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#1208 Re: only joking
December 20, 2020, 03:16:48 pm
Apologies in advance:

What is a boulderers favourite Christmas song?

NSFW  :
Gaud 8A

mrjonathanr

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#1209 Re: only joking
December 20, 2020, 11:14:09 pm
What’s mummy’s favourite Christmas carol?
Silent Night.

Daddy, daddy! Can I have a puppy for Christmas?
Really son? Have you gone off turkey?


Oldmanmatt

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#1210 Re: only joking
February 21, 2021, 09:00:35 am
Morning.
Stormy Sunday morning lie in, destroyed by excited collie, too smart for her own good (worked out how to open the stair gate), leaping onto my sleeping form, with slobbering  tongue and cold wet nose. I will be the only human awake in the house for a good few hours yet (yes, this finally happens when “they” cross the threshold into “Teenager”. So, like the idiots we are, we replaced  “ them” with friggin puppies).
Anyway, this cheered me up:

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/fran-lebowitzs-one-star-amazon-reviews?utm_campaign=falcon&utm_social-type=owned&utm_medium=social&utm_brand=tny&mbid=social_facebook&utm_source=facebook&fbclid=IwAR2-BtQc1zw33A4JPLC8e68KqFagXEenAu1aBC-kVCLD_EG4qyWvQCS8iJY

Oldmanmatt

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#1211 Re: only joking
February 21, 2021, 06:54:32 pm
I had to continue this tale.
You see, the Collie’s name is Storm.
She put me in A&E, most of this afternoon.
Sweet as a lamb at home and a candidate for K9 Mensa, she cannot be around other dogs (except ours) she just goes nuts.
So, if she comes out with us, she’s on the lead, muzzled and with booties on front paws (because there isn’t a muzzle made she can’t get off with those paws).
Anyway, I must have let the lead twist around my finger, because she saw another dog (3x her size) on the beach and lunged in it’s direction. This neatly dislocated the Distal Phalanges of my right pinky, at the DIP.
I didn’t immediately realise, what with chasing down a newly freed Collie, somehow achieved recall and got control of her.
NO.4 child (youngest daughter) came legging over to help, just as I noticed my finger.
Tip sticking out 90⁰ from the rest, straight at the adjacent ring finger. Cue NO.4 retching and heaving and me suddenly feeling the pain.
I grabbed it and yanked it a little too hard, snapping it back into place with a distressingly loud crack. This prompted NO.4 to actually spit a little over her lunch and the recently arrived NO.1 to join the retching.

So, off we toddle home, drop kids and dogs and nip down for a bit of TLC at Torbay minor injuries.
Every time I went to explain what was wrong, first at reception, then Triage, then the Nurse Practitioner, I would get as far as holding out my hand and saying “I think I might...”; at which point they all turned their heads away and said “Eww!”
The student Radiographer’s face was the best.

Get home. Make a cup of tea, piss off to bedroom to watch a movie (it’s somebody else’s turn to do the roast (best bit about teenagers)).

Storm, is stressed, though. This isn’t unusual, sometimes she’ll take a couple of hours to settle after an “incident”, especially if she has been “told off”, that could be as mild as a shouted “What did you do!” and she’ll hid under the stairs shaking. She has never been smacked or hit in anyway.

Next thing I know, I hear Polly loudly crying “Stoooormm noooo!”
The dog has squat and pee’d by the backdoor, full eye contact with Polly and no attempt to ask to go out.

Cue NO.3 with bucket and mop (she was assisting with roast).

Pee mopped up, NO.3 picks up bucket and goes to throw it into the drain outside back door.

Bucket handle snaps.

Cue flooded conservatory and all hands on deck to shift furniture, multiple tools and tool boxes, shelving units and a huge assortment of junk that was put in there, um, “temporarily”, some in now sodden cardboard boxes.

Muggins, of course dives in to help, only to snap his shiny new splint and be sent to sit on the stairs.

So. Anybody want a cute, loveable and incredibly intelligent, if tiny, Collie? One with the most apt name in the history of dogs?


SA Chris

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#1212 Re: only joking
February 22, 2021, 08:49:22 am
guessing meant to go here,

Joys of dog parenting!

https://ukbouldering.com/board/index.php/topic,5617.200.html

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#1213 Re: only joking
February 27, 2021, 10:15:17 pm
This isn't strictly a joke, but noone can make shit like this up: 'man dies after being stabbed in the cock by his own cock'

BBC News - Indian man killed by his own rooster during cockfight
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-india-56224144

gollum

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#1214 Re: only joking
February 27, 2021, 10:29:39 pm
This isn't strictly a joke, but noone can make shit like this up: 'man dies after being stabbed in the cock by his own cock'

BBC News - Indian man killed by his own rooster during cockfight
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-india-56224144

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mark20

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#1215 Re: only joking
February 28, 2021, 11:26:42 am
This isn't strictly a joke, but noone can make shit like this up: 'man dies after being stabbed in the cock by his own cock'

BBC News - Indian man killed by his own rooster during cockfight
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-india-56224144

Karma

Chicken karma  ;D

Oldmanmatt

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#1216 Re: only joking
February 28, 2021, 09:25:38 pm
I think this gif is required by our overlord, for appropriately responding to those who dare the challenge the accepted rights and rituals of this arcane institution:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CLurAcIh9qD/?igshid=dk8unkw03dzf

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#1217 Re: only joking
May 13, 2024, 10:57:25 am
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar.
Bartender looks up
"Oh no! Not you two again!"

Duma

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#1218 Re: only joking
May 13, 2024, 11:17:57 am
LOOOOOL

SA Chris

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#1219 Re: only joking
May 13, 2024, 11:25:13 am
Shakespear walks into a bar.

The Bartender says "Out - you're Bard!"


Bartender: "I kicked an Oscar winning Spanish Actor out of the pub last night for being drunk and rowdy"

Punter: "Javier Bardem?"

Bartender: "Yes, but if he apologises I'll let him in again"

Bradders

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#1220 Re: only joking
May 13, 2024, 01:37:00 pm
Someone tried to sell me a coffin yesterday.

I said that's the last thing I need.

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#1221 Re: only joking
May 13, 2024, 03:20:14 pm
Do you think transparent coffins will catch on?

Remains to be seen.

 

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