[nik at work]

Really sorry to hear this James.

[PeteHukb]

Gutted to hear this, James. It sounds like you've already got a good grasp of the priorities going forward. If you need any help making sense of any medical advice you guys get in the weeks/months ahead, feel free to DM me.

[mrjonathanr]

So sorry to read this James.

[James Malloch]

Gutted to hear this, James. It sounds like you've already got a good grasp of the priorities going forward. If you need any help making sense of any medical advice you guys get in the weeks/months ahead, feel free to DM me.

Thanks, Pete. And everyone else. Still doesn’t seem real.

Biopsies are next week to work out what chemo could help, then the Oncologist to discuss options. I guess by that point there will be a better idea of how things are looking.

I’ve only had some texts with him as he’s not up for any calls or visitors yet. So not sure what he already knows yet. But hopefully he’ll be home from hospital today and i can go across soon.

It seems crass to say it now, but I’m definitely going to need advice on inheritance though, if anyone can recommend someone to speak to. It worries me a lot as, due to all sorts of history/reasons, I will get all of his assets (which isnt loads) including the house, but my step mum can live there as long as she wants. It feels like it could get very messy if I essentially become an indefinite landlord and I’ve no idea what the implications would be. It is something i would really like to get to grips with whilst there is time to discuss things and even make changes if needed.

[spidermonkey09]

Hi James, that doesn't sound too dissimilar to my grandads situation. When he died last year, he and his partner had agreed that whoever survived the other would continue living in the house. If it's potentially useful I can ask my dad how it was set up and the practicalities of it legally speaking and see if there's anything useful for you there. Drop me a DM if so.

For what it's worth, I don't think it's crass at all. It's important; the less stress you have the better and it's worth discussing it with your dad and step mum.

[mrjonathanr]

It seems crass to say it now, but I’m definitely going to need advice on inheritance though,

It’s not crass, it’s responsible. I’ve been an executor, getting advice is the right thing to do. A solicitor will have an initial chat with you before any chargeable work. I wish you well.

[webbo]

My wife’s mum died just before Christmas, she had been diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer in July and chose not to have treatment other than pain relief.One of things we should have sorted out was power of attorney as her mum wanted to pay for her funeral before she died. However when she wrote a check for this the bank wouldn’t except the it because the signature was so shaky. She was in hospital at the time.
My wife and one of her cousins were executors for her mums estate but in reality my wife has done it all. It’s just come through that everything is sorted so now she can give everyone what they have been willed and now sell her mums house.
I would talk to your dad about getting the McMillan nurses involved as the nurse who supported my MiL was fantastic. My MiL was admitted to a local community hospital and told she would end her days there as they did palliative care however she rallied but was unable to be cared for home so had to go in to a care home at £1010 a week and pay for this out of her assets.
Within a week the McMillan nurse sorted out the funding and she was no longer self funding.
This might be a bit rambling but I hope there are things you can use.

[seankenny]

I would recommend everyone with elderly parents to at least consider getting power of attorney. Sometimes things can go downhill and it makes life very much easier.

[tk421a]

James, I'm so sorry for you.
I would recommend that everyone with dependents / long term partners gets power of attorney. There are 2 different ones, for (i) health and welfare and (ii) property and financial affairs.
Note: being married does not (as I understand it) confer that. My wife's a doctor and at the start of covid we did power of attorney for each other (in our 30s) as doctors otherwise would not necessarily take our opinions into consideration if the other were in a coma for example.

[sxrxg]

Really sorry to hear this news even though I have never met you personally. I had similar news about my own father nearly 10 years ago now (cancer that presented as a sudden brain tumour). Living at home and helping to care for him (and emotionally supporting my mum) it was a difficult time however I am so glad that I got those 11 months with him.

All I would say is take care of yourself and those around you as well as your dad. I very nearly messed up some relationships (one with my now wife) due to the situation.

Also Macmillan nurses are definitely worth contacting, also I would recommend doing it sooner rather than later, we put it off for too long (probably due to it all making it feel too real) and it would have been much better if we had involved them sooner.

[SA Chris]

Fuck. Once again. cancer is a bitch. So sorry to hear this James. Make the most of your time with him.

Plus, after biopsies etc confirming what we suspected, my father in law starts RT for throat cancer next week. From what I've read, it looks like he is in for a bumpy ride.  Non-smoker, looks like the cancer started from the site of a botched tonsil removal in his youth.

[James Malloch]

Thanks again for the replies and advice. He is still processing things so I haven’t managed to speak to him yet (other than the odd text), which is hard, but I am sure I will get to soon…

He has been referred to MacMillan by the hospital and they will take up that support.

Sorry to hear that as well Chris. Fucking cancer.

[monkoffunk]

Hey James, I’ve just seen this thread and just want to add how sorry I am to read all of this. It sounds like a real shock given how well he was. It sounds like you have the best approach in a terrible situation.

I’d echo what everyone else has said about having conversations/making arrangements early. What you are trying to do is understand everyone’s wishes and what they want to happen. In this country we are often reluctant to have conversations about wishes at the time of serious illness, or at the end of life, and you can end up regretting those missed conversations. Having them before can add some comfort from knowing you’ve respected what your loved one wanted. 

[James Malloch]

We ended up having a chat last night, which was really nice. It was just like our normal talks, but just with some cancer and inheritance chat thrown in. It was so normal that neither of us shed a tear, though I am sure they will come when we see each other in person.

It was nice to remember that he is just the same person that he was when we spoke a few days before the diagnosis. In my mind I’d already gone to the end of life stage, which is actually the main reason why he is reluctant to tell people until he has his biopsies and results back. He feels like himself still and doesn’t want people to project an image on to him or treat him any differently.

Whilst he hates the timing of it he is, and has always thought like this, glad it is something like this rather than a long drawn out battle with dementia or similar, which he has watched parents and siblings go through and struggle with.

He has also been using the weekend to sort out finances etc (which he is incredibly on top of anyway) so my step mum knows what everything costs, and he is putting money aside for her to supplement any pension income to help her. So they are talking about that, and including me, which is a big load off my mind.

Maybe a bit details overload but it’s really helped me chatting to him - I even enjoyed eating for the first time in a few days after feeling like I could throw up at any point. Thanks again for all the messages on here too.

[James Malloch]

My dad just phoned me with a question about Inheritance Taxes and asked me to look into it… He is in full ducks in a row mode at the moment.

He thinks his estate wouldn’t be subject to IHT. Main residence is < £175k and Other Assets (pension and cash) are < £325k which look to be the thresholds.

Once he knows a bit more, he would like to start transferring some money to people whilst he still has control of it. It would make him feel better knowing part of it is sorted. 

There is a £3000 annual gift allowance. If you go over that and die within 7 years, tax can be due. He is unsure whether it would be taxed in his case.

Say he sent me a cash gift now, which was over £3000. Then he died but the remaining estate value, plus the gift value, was still under the £325k threshold. Would any tax be due on the gift, or is it non-taxable?

Before I try and scour the web or ask a solicitor, I thought I may as well ask here.

[tk421a]

Not a solicitor or accountant, but have looked into this to a moderate degree.

I think there's be no IHT.

1) The gift would be liable for IHT but gets calculated on the total estate. So if under no IHT.

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/death-and-bereavement/gifts-and-exemptions-from-inheritance-tax

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/work-out-inheritance-tax-due-on-gifts

2) Defined contribution pension would be IHT free

https://www.gov.uk/tax-on-pension-death-benefits

[spidermonkey09]

I would recommend googling Martin Lewis on this James, I learned a lot recently watching/reading his stuff. From a quick read I also think tk is correct but I may well be wrong.

[James Malloch]

Not a solicitor or accountant, but have looked into this to a moderate degree.

I think there's be no IHT.

1) The gift would be liable for IHT but gets calculated on the total estate. So if under no IHT.

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/death-and-bereavement/gifts-and-exemptions-from-inheritance-tax

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/work-out-inheritance-tax-due-on-gifts

2) Defined contribution pension would be IHT free

https://www.gov.uk/tax-on-pension-death-benefits

Thank you - I’d found the money helper website, but hadn’t noticed this part on the gov.uk one before:

Gifts use up the £325,000 tax free allowance first. Any unused threshold left after this can be used by the estate of the person who died.

I hadn’t known about the defined Contribution pension being tax free either. Also it sounds like, pending prognosis (if expectancy is < 12 months), he may be eligible to withdraw his full DC pension tax free if he wanted to.

I think my step mum can inherit half of his Additional State Pension too from what I’ve read which will be a welcome boost for her I’m sure. This, with her state pension and PIP, should mean she is more than fine which is a big relief for us all.

I’ll look through MSE too, it’s always a really useful source of information.

[Wellsy]

He should be able to take his whole pot tax free if he has that prognosis, he'd need to provide signed correspondence from a Doctor confirming so and then it'd be reviewed by the Scheme Trustees, and it is Scheme Dependent, but it is possible. It isn't automatic though so he'd need to get in touch ASAP to start the process

[James Malloch]

He should be able to take his whole pot tax free if he has that prognosis, he'd need to provide signed correspondence from a Doctor confirming so and then it'd be reviewed by the Scheme Trustees, and it is Scheme Dependent, but it is possible. It isn't automatic though so he'd need to get in touch ASAP to start the process

Cheers - he doesn’t actually have a prognosis yet, that should come later this month. Though looking at online one-year survival rates are very low. Fucking cancer.

[Nails]

One item of advice if you decide to go down the treatment path. This was 5 years ago (so others may have more recent knowledge). I was advised to be prepared to travel a long way for the first treatment. Once you've had the first treatment you're in the system and they commit to the scheduling of the remaining course. We took my Dad a long way for his first but after that he was able to get the remainder more locally. Best of luck with everything.

[dunnyg]

Wrong thread.

[James Malloch]

Had a really nice time with Dad on Saturday. Obviously there was some sad chat, but I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him smile as much as when he had his granddaughter on his lap for a while.

Luckily she was on top form and I got to see what a natural he was! It is sad to know it won’t last forever, but hopefully we can do plenty more of the same!

Despite everything, it was possibly one of the nicest times I’ve had there.