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Therapy (Read 5361 times)

Yossarian

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Therapy
May 23, 2021, 01:53:52 pm
I've just trawled back through the Black Dog thread, and wondered if anyone would have any objections to me starting a thread specifically about therapy and people's experiences, good or bad, or indifferent.

There was an article about (largely male) mental health in the Times yesterday in which there were so many parallels with my own experiences that I immediately sat up and thought I think this is what I need to try. I've had a number of breakdowns in the past following which I was very resistant about receiving any help. The last time I did so was in the early years of marriage, and I went to see the GP who prescribed citalopram. I honestly can't remember what effect this had, but in the medium to longer term it didn't really solve any problems because (I realise now) most of my anxiety / depression / general sense of hopelessness seems to stem from a variety of behaviours (self-sabotage / procrastination / major life disorganisation and desire for distraction / debt issues / imposter syndrome, etc, etc) which propagate situations (professional failures / missing deadlines / financial fuckups / relationship issues, etc) which cause periods of depression / anxiety / panic. And then that tends to compound the former, which leads to more of the latter.

The idea of talking to a disinterested professional about this and figuring out a strategy to address these things step by step was something I'd always totally discounted because either "I'm not that crazy" or "if this next project works out everything will be absolutely brilliant ever after". But now I'm starting to think that it's absolutely the best idea, especially because I'm almost totally incapable of opening up about any of this stuff to my friends.

So I would be very interested to hear from anyone (or anyone you know) who's gone down this path, what you tried and how it worked, and what you would do differently or otherwise if you were considering going through it again...

kelvin

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#1 Re: Therapy
May 23, 2021, 02:02:31 pm
PTSD sufferer here.

I had treatment initially, it worked a treat for a few years but now I'm back seeking treatment again.

The one thing I can say is that the therapist and other mental help professionals I've spoken to have been far from "disinterested". I've always been treated with empathy and been given non judgemental listening.

Taking that first step was the hard part, after that, I was very glad I'd taken it.

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#2 Re: Therapy
May 23, 2021, 02:15:16 pm
I think it’s great - I like trying to figure out how stuff works and that includes my own head. Though that can mean confronting some uncomfortable truths from time to time it’s overwhelmingly a positive experience for me.

Finding the right counsellor / therapist is important - and if they don’t click with you find someone else (or ask to find someone else). If it’s private have a good chat on the phone with them first - you’ll get a good feel for what they’re like. I’ve put the phone down after this and thought no fecking way can I talk to you… and at other times thought they were great.

Yossarian

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#3 Re: Therapy
May 23, 2021, 02:16:55 pm
Kelvin - sorry for confusing things - I meant disinterested in the sense of impartial / unconnected.

What you describe is exactly the approach I’m looking for. Conversely, whenever I talk through things with people I have a history with I immediately start putting up barriers / try to laugh things off.

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#4 Re: Therapy
May 23, 2021, 03:42:31 pm
most of my anxiety / depression / general sense of hopelessness seems to stem from a variety of behaviours (self-sabotage / procrastination / major life disorganisation and desire for distraction / debt issues / imposter syndrome, etc, etc) which propagate situations (professional failures / missing deadlines / financial fuckups / relationship issues, etc) which cause periods of depression / anxiety / panic. And then that tends to compound the former, which leads to more of the latter.

Quote
The idea of talking to a disinterested professional about this and figuring out a strategy to address these things step by step was something I'd always totally discounted because either "I'm not that crazy"

With all due respect....  :-\ :-\ :-\

It's a good idea for the reasons you mentioned, especially if you have trouble exploring your issues elsewhere.

Medication is a bit like painkillers / anti-inflammatories for the mind - mostly there to alleviate things enough to allow you to get through the current situation and more importantly start to work on the "rehab" to improve the root causes to the stage where they're no longer crucial (although just like with chronic pain, some people might need them at a low level long term).

Therapists are a bit like physios for the mind - partly beneficial to give a bit of immediate nudging / massaging of the mind to start things feeling better, partly the reassurance of having a paid professional who is definitely going to focus on helping with your specific issues, but mostly by guiding and encouraging you to help yourself and find a healthier path (analogous to giving rehab exercises). Usually they're not there to provide the answers, but to listen to the information you give, and provide the right questions for you to find the right answers.

Yossarian

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#5 Re: Therapy
May 23, 2021, 04:03:19 pm

Quote
The idea of talking to a disinterested professional about this and figuring out a strategy to address these things step by step was something I'd always totally discounted because either "I'm not that crazy"

With all due respect....  :-\ :-\ :-\


That was meant very much in the sense of realising now that my approach then was deciding that my issues were less serious / bad but not THAT bad / asking for help was a sign of weakness, etc.

Falling Down

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#6 Re: Therapy
May 23, 2021, 05:08:51 pm
I’m a UKCP registered trainee psychotherapist and have been in training now for five years and will finish later this year, though I’ve just started a two year research MA so won’t be fully accredited until 2023.  I “work” (unpaid, as I have to do 650 hours of client time before accreditation) for Freshstart, a low-cost service here in London, seeing clients on Saturdays for short and long-term psychotherapy and have two private clients, referred via my training institution that I see during the week after my day job.

I’ve been in weekly therapy for eight years now.  I would have stopped after three or so, once I’d got to the bottom of what I was wrestling with, but you have to be in it throughout the training.  It was a game changer for me from the outset.

TomTom’s already said that it’s important to find someone who clicks with you.  You’ll know as soon as you speak with them on the phone or have a session.  A bit of research on the UKCP and BACP directories will help to locate someone nearby or remote now that video work is normalised.

You mentioned putting up barriers and laughing it off.  Don’t worry about that, it’s perfectly normal and a good therapist will notice that and bring it into the work.

It doesn’t all have to be talking and CBT “thinking” type exercises either. I draw upon creativity, body work, visualisations, sand-trays, gestalt exercises and other resources depending what resonates with the clients and what they might need. 

If anyone has any questions, feel free to contact me directly.  I can’t see any of you as a client ‘cos we know one another, but I may be able to provide some suggestions and signpost to therapists and resources.

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#7 Re: Therapy
May 23, 2021, 07:29:27 pm
I was diagnosed with PTSD (then PTSS) and depression in 1995 and would leave the Navy because of it the following year. I have, unsurprisingly, had some issues since, but that would be the only time that I went through Therapy with a Psychologist and a monthly assessment by a Psychiatrist.
Generally, I did not enjoy it it much, particularly the Psychiatrist (a man in his late 60’s, with fussy half frame glasses, who I had an overwhelming desire to punch, within minutes of sitting down in his office the first time).
Particularly difficult for me, was moving to “Group Therapy” after a few months of daily 1:1. I still believe they assigned me to that particular group to play down my experiences as I was the only non SF in the group and the others all had truly awful stories and in some cases, equally bad physical injuries.
Just made me feel even more inadequate.
Anyway, took the easy option and left the service, when they made an offer.

This turned me off the whole idea and I avoided it like the plague on many occasions when it might have helped.

Then when my wife started her cancer treatment, I was offered a slot with the Force cancer charity, for massage during her (very long) chemo sessions. I’m not one to pass up a free massage. Anyway, they tag team you in that place. You start off coming in for a massage and for the coffee, the gardens and the sofas (and, the lack of pings, bings and beebs on the ward. Plus, you realise you need somewhere to cry without being noticed).

Then, you realise you’ve been talking to the counsellor for weeks, without realising it and she talked you into booking a regular slot and it really helps.
Of course, you don’t even notice then, when she passes you over to the “other” counsellor, with the office in the Hospice, next to your wife’s room. I mean, by then, I was quite open to letting someone else help with the thinking thing, which had got a little hard.

Yeah. I reckon it’s probably a good idea and worth it. I probably wouldn’t be here without it.

If you knew how bullish and pig headed I am, that opinion would surprise you.
 

Yossarian

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#8 Re: Therapy
May 23, 2021, 08:02:37 pm
Thanks for explaining that Matt. That’s a brave admission. You were somewhat anti therapy on the BD thread but I read that as frustration rather than outright dismissal.

I had an acquaintance / friend of a very close friend / occasional cycling partner who killed himself 4 years ago. He was a Eurofighter pilot, who was struggling following the death of a close friend in an air accident, and who avoided talking to his unit medic because of the potential risk to his future flying career. 

Yossarian

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#9 Re: Therapy
May 23, 2021, 08:09:19 pm
I mention that because I still struggle to understand why people (not me btw) who are hugely rational, intelligent and risk averse get caught up in this stuff, rather than appreciating how situations and experiences allow serious issues to creep in and break down people’s resolve / will to live / basic sense of their place in the world.

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#10 Re: Therapy
May 23, 2021, 08:30:36 pm
Yoss, along with therapy (plenty good examples below), I've had a bit since my dad passed away to help me try to sort out a few things, there's also life coaching which might be useful further down the line.

Less about understanding / dealing with your shit and more about finding ways of navigating through life despite having that baggage / issues etc.


Johnny Brown

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#11 Re: Therapy
May 24, 2021, 02:17:06 pm
I did a full course of cognitive analytic therapy (16 sessions) a couple of years back in an attempt to break my cycles of being clinically fed up.

Quote
I honestly can't remember what effect this had, but in the medium to longer term it didn't really solve any problems because (I realise now) most of my anxiety / depression / general sense of hopelessness seems to stem from a variety of behaviours (self-sabotage / procrastination / major life disorganisation and desire for distraction / debt issues / imposter syndrome, etc, etc) which propagate situations (professional failures / missing deadlines / financial fuckups / relationship issues, etc) which cause periods of depression / anxiety / panic. And then that tends to compound the former, which leads to more of the latter.

First thing I would say is be realistic about what you hope to tackle. I had a initial 'what do you hope to achieve' session where I stated something not miles away from above - that if I just sorted being miserable out then everything else in my life would drop into place. I think you'd be better trying to isolate the biggest problem and aiming for any improvement to it. I can't say I have noticed an big improvement in my mental health - the lows have not been as low but the pandemic has also helped with that in many ways - and certainly not the cascading positive feedback across my life that I had naïvely hoped for.

For me the reality was I found it incredibly slow going. Trying to explain your headspace, aged 40+, to a person you've never met before is perhaps an exercise in futility. Paying £1.50 a minute to do so may not make you feel it is the best use of your time; I used a couple of grand cash which I'd saved up in an envelope for a KLF-style burning ritual, and I'm still undecided as to which would have been the better therapy.

If you're happy to pay someone to be a shoulder to moan on then it is undoubtedly a good idea. I don't need that kind of catharsis personally, and despite having chosen this type of therapy as having some sort of theory and structure what was going on was never really laid bare. I don't want to sound too negative - like you the only alternative seemed to be chemicals or struggling on myself. I would definitely say give it a go just don't expect miracles.

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#12 Re: Therapy
May 24, 2021, 05:32:28 pm
Over 20 years ago I had a fairly disastrous period in my life which resulted in me going into psychoanalysis. The bulk of the work was done over a couple of years but I carried on going a bit sporadically, so the whole thing must have been over about five years, once a week at first and then much less. Although we did talk about what had been going on in my outside life, the bulk of the session would be going through the dreams I'd had that week and interpreting those in the light of both my own experiences and symbolic "stuff" and also the approach of my analyst. Don't worry if this sounds all a bit esoteric and hocus-pocus, I totally get that. I'm not a flakey hippy type at all and I found working with dreams really useful and rewarding, but a lot of people might recoil at the suggestion.

If you were to ask me "did it work?", I'd give it a qualified yes.This period and the analysis marked a turning point in my life and I was considerably more together after than before, so I guess that's good. I suspect I'd have made some progress anyhow, but it would have been slower and a bit more incomplete.

Winter of 2020 I did a short course of counselling whilst studying. I was expecting to talk about a bunch of family stuff that had occured before but I ended up talking through some of the unpleasant things I'd accumulated from visiting various refugee camps and African war zones with work. That was pretty useful up to a point, but towards the end something went a bit wrong and I didn't finish the course.

What I've learned from both experiences was pretty similar to what other posters have written. Definitely take your time choosing your therapist. First time around, I knew I wanted a male analyst but I got the impression there are a lot of kind of "touchy feely vegan beanbag" type guys in the therapy world; I'd rather poke my own eyes out than have a session with this sort of bloke. I found taking a lot of time worked well for me. In my 2020 counselling I didn't have a huge number of sessions (it was provided free by the university) and felt very much pushed to go faster than I was comfortable with. That's quite a bruising experience.

Anyhow, good luck!




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#13 Re: Therapy
May 24, 2021, 07:17:42 pm
I had 7 sessions with a counselling psychologist around 2015 for anxiety connected to an event that happened in Bosnia in 1995,  that I'd locked away in the back of my mind and that would periodically make me unhappy. The anxiety was triggered by a period of overwork and slight exhaustion (no chance of that nowadays!), but it also brought to the surface the events from the past and I knew I needed to talk it out with someone. The therapy worked well for me - I'd describe my issue as like an isolated painful knot of muscle in the mind, that was released quite quickly upon working through it, rather than long-term chronic mental distress or unhappiness. The therapist was relatively plain-spoken and not at all happy-clappy as he was used to dealing with military types. I'm 100% certain I benefited from the procedure but my unhappiness was relatively clear cut. As per others have said good luck with it.

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#14 Re: Therapy
May 25, 2021, 07:39:22 am
... variety of behaviours (self-sabotage / procrastination / major life disorganisation and desire for distraction / debt issues / imposter syndrome, etc, etc) which propagate situations (professional failures / missing deadlines / financial fuckups / relationship issues, etc)

This really hits home for me. I've always been riding waves of depression, even as a child. I've had no traumatic experiences (other than ones I've manufactured myself!) and have a pretty good, comfortable life. I feel no world crushing despair or anxiety but also generally nothing positive. Life feels like wading through various thicknesses of porridge mentally. I turn to behaviour like you mentioned as a distraction, I think I've always felt like the quicker I can get through the day the sooner I can start a new one and maybe it'll be different, so jump from shortcut to shortcut, except you can guess how the story goes!

I'm somewhat scared of dealing with it medically (eating disorder issues probably, so the idea of weight gain is overwhelmingly off putting) but wonder if there's much to be gained by therapy with no real issues to work through. It feels like it could be cured by chemicals (rather than sidestepped with the chemicals I've (mis)used recreationally). I'm not suicidal though if being honest think about it very regularly, more to remind myself the reason I don't is because of the people who'd miss me etc etc.

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#15 Re: Therapy
May 25, 2021, 08:13:04 am
As well as finding a therapist who you feel right with, as others have said above you need to be clear what you are hoping for from therapy. Wanting someone to “ fix” or cure you is not realistic, being able to live with your demons is much more realistic.
Also if you have had issues for sometime things are not going to be resolved in a few sessions.

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#16 Re: Therapy
May 25, 2021, 08:37:55 am
I personally don't do well with therapy -- have made multiple attempts, all of which were either useless or damaging. I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that my personal brand of brain rubbish is hardcore biological: what works is the right cocktail of medications and some tools for self-management and that's it.

But I'm at the extreme end of a spectrum in that respect; I have friends who've got a lot out of therapy, not to mention friends who are therapists. So it's definitely worth a go.

One thing I'd add to what people have been saying is that there are a lot of very different types of therapy, and it's worth reading up on some of the common approaches (CBT etc.) and seeing what sounds like it might be useful for you.

Yossarian

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#17 Re: Therapy
May 25, 2021, 10:49:37 am
I've been reading through this carefully and need to make some time to do some more research. Luckily I've actually been quite productive the past few days so, when I do, I think I'll be doing so in a slightly more optimistic frame of mind that I was in a few weeks back.

Also, this is all obviously not particularly easy stuff to talk about, and so I am extremely grateful to everyone who has opened up about their experiences good and less good.

Yossarian

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#18 Re: Therapy
March 23, 2023, 01:42:19 pm
After some recent events brought a lot of stuff to the surface again, I finally got my act together, did some research, and had my first session today. I was a bit apprehensive, mainly just from worrying about whether I would find the right person first go.

Anyway, I think I did - certainly I felt very comfortable and could imagine continuing with sessions with him on an ongoing basis. I'm really looking forward to the next one.

It was really good, and felt like an amazingly positive step.

Might write some more about it at some point, but it feels good just to reflect on it myself for the time being.

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#19 Re: Therapy
March 23, 2023, 02:37:56 pm
Nice one Yoss.

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#20 Re: Therapy
March 23, 2023, 02:55:19 pm
That’s really good to hear - nice one Yossarian!

I missed the starting of this thread but I just want to say thanks for starting it because, of late, I’ve found myself staring back into the darkness. Probably a few reasons as to why, partly just me and my stupid brain but potentially have been triggered by some things too.

I have been promising my girlfriend that I will find someone to talk to for a while, and I think this has given me a secondary kick up the arse - it’s very easy to procrastinate these things.

I had some counselling a couple of years ago, along with some medication and some meditation and found it useful for the months I did it for. To be honest I actually found it more useful in hindsight, though now have kind of lost sight of these. Maybe every few years I will need a bit of therapy to set me straight again…?

I had more to say but can’t quite seem to find the words.

Anyway just mostly wanted to say thanks

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#21 Re: Therapy
March 23, 2023, 02:56:34 pm
thtat's ace. taking the plunge is really difficult but it's probably the best thing ive ever done for myself. hope it works out for you going forward

Quote
I had some counselling a couple of years ago, along with some medication and some meditation and found it useful for the months I did it for. To be honest I actually found it more useful in hindsight, though now have kind of lost sight of these. Maybe every few years I will need a bit of therapy to set me straight again…?

this is the relationship ive found with it, something to come back to when desired/useful - like a diet after too much christmas indulgence - not something that needs to be a permanent fix or a constant part of life

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#22 Re: Therapy
March 23, 2023, 03:15:31 pm
Good effort Yoss.

Reading back my previous post above, I'm now more positive about the experience as I haven't had any serious lows since the therapy and those that I have had have been shorter and shallower. There are some confounding factors with that but generally it does seem to have had a lasting and positive effect.

Looking back, I suspect what seemed tediously slow is probably a necessary part of the process. There are no quick fixes, and it's probably unavoidable that a lot of both talking and reflective time is needed. Still wish I could have burned the cash mind.

Dunc, (or anyone else) dm me if you want deets of the fella I saw.

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#23 Re: Therapy
March 23, 2023, 06:36:29 pm
I had 2 yrs of 1 to 1 therapy. It was really helpful, I'd recommended it to anyone. As lots have said, the right therapist is vital.

I seem to remember there's a study which says that the success of any therapy is dependent on the success of the relationship between you and the therapist. Which type you have is far less important.

Having said that it's a broad church from sitting and talking in chairs to body psychotherapy and beyond. I like to move and am a physical person so the sitting still and just talking wasn't what I wanted and I had a therapist where we could talk, move around, get in your body with it all etc.

Nice one for being so honest. I hope you find a good therapist and I hope it works for you.

Yossarian

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#24 Re: Therapy
March 24, 2023, 08:39:38 am
I missed the starting of this thread but I just want to say thanks for starting it because, of late, I’ve found myself staring back into the darkness. Probably a few reasons as to why, partly just me and my stupid brain but potentially have been triggered by some things too.

I have been promising my girlfriend that I will find someone to talk to for a while, and I think this has given me a secondary kick up the arse - it’s very easy to procrastinate these things.

I had some counselling a couple of years ago, along with some medication and some meditation and found it useful for the months I did it for. To be honest I actually found it more useful in hindsight, though now have kind of lost sight of these. Maybe every few years I will need a bit of therapy to set me straight again…?


I had already started to get into the mindset of not beating myself up about / hating myself for things I didn't do or should've done and instead generally try to be nicer to myself and try to understand why I might've done things.

But I'm pretty clear that I do really regret not doing this back when my issues started to cause problems in our relationship. If you're with someone you really don't want to lose, and have got things going on with yourself that you don't know how to deal with or just don't understand, I think doing something like this is likely to be a massive help as well as a strong positive signal of your commitment, and I really wish I had done it back then.

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#25 Re: Therapy
March 24, 2023, 09:09:11 am

Following this thread closely.  :-\


erm, sam

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#26 Re: Therapy
March 24, 2023, 09:32:52 am
My two penneth is therapy/having some chats with somebody whose job title is therapist/what ever sounds least threatening, is really useful. For me the idea of choosing a therapist was daunting 'how do you get the right one", and I went with the person at the top of the list of therapists in my area, to avoid the procrastination of activly choosing somebody.

Also, I don't think it needs neccesarily to be a long term thing. I saw a therapist for 6 sessions and got a lot out of it, somebody else I know met with a therapist once to talk about a specific issue and was able to move on. Depends on you really.

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#27 Re: Therapy
March 24, 2023, 03:06:11 pm
My experience for what it's worth...

I think with therapy you ultimately have to go in with an open mind first accepting you need help without judging yourself as weak or not "normal." Also be willing to try a "few" if it's not working with the one you are working with and you are not see improvements after a number of sessions. It's worth investing a little more cash with someone who knows their field depending on what your condition is as various therapists specialise in certain mental illnesses. Take time to research who you want to work with. When I say invest I mean it because you often feel guilty about the monetary component especially with other family financial commitments but you really can't put a price on peace of mind and wouldn't think twice about fixing a physical ailment in same fashion.  A general therapist can help but in my case it took 3 before I really got a hold on what was going on and I haven't been back since 2018, successfully navigating stressful life events which would have in the past likely flared it all up. It's also worth considering an intensive retreat style where you go for a few days to really work on yourself away from the pressures of life if your situation allows, this really helped in my case. Obviously the success of the therapy depends on how hard you work at the techniques employed to assist your condition but in my experience you get the a lot in the first few sessions to work on. Outside of therapy itself you have to look at the whole picture holistically to see improvements alongside the sessions. I had major leaps in recovery when I looked closely at myself addressing things that made my mental health worse. If it doesn't support your mental well being it probably needs to go or be reduced considerably. You have to do everything you can to move the dial in your favour to feel better and often this means sacrifice however the rewards outweigh the things forgone. In the midst of the worst of it, it's really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but it really can be done and you can come out the other side stronger and more resilient than ever. I wish you good luck the OP.

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#28 Re: Therapy
March 24, 2023, 04:00:24 pm
I have had therapy, and it absolutely helped me.

When I was a child I had a very difficult time of things. Without going into details, it left me as a very anxious, angry, frustrated and inarticulate person who was desperate for validation but struggled to connect. My biggest symptoms were regular bouts of deep depression, anxiety, a lack of willpower, reckless behaviour and what I can only describe as a deep seated fear in lots of situations which I struggled to overcome or control.

Therapy hugely helped me deal with my relationship with myself and others, my childhood etc. It also helped me deal with the anxiety and depression, and the reckless behaviour. I still get the fear and I still struggle with validation at times but I'm getting better, and I'm much better at connecting with people. I just needed someone to listen and care really, and that's what I got.

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#29 Re: Therapy
March 26, 2023, 01:59:06 pm
Pleased to hear that your first session went well Yossarian. That's very encouraging.

Thanks to everyone who's shared their own experiences so transparently. It helps to demystify if for anyone else wondering about whether to give therapy a try. 

Yossarian

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#30 Re: Therapy
March 30, 2023, 12:14:46 pm
There have been some very thoughtful and obvs self-aware replies above, and glad that this thread might help some people who are / were curious that this sort of thing could be beneficial.

I've just had my second session on zoom from our gite in Font.

My main reasons for starting were various patterns of behaviours (stated in the first post) going back years, generally based around a combination of feeling under-equipped for being a grownup and a general sense that everything I touched turned to shit. Quite a lot of the latter was later explained by an ADHD diagnosis. Much of that was responsible for the deterioration of my relationship with my ex wife, but there was also a good deal of emotional inexperience too, because my marriage was the only relationship I've had that lasted more than a handful of weeks.

Anyway, I had talked about starting when things stated to get back, didn't, and now regret that. What precipitated me finally getting around to starting was when my ex told me she had started seeing a new guy (we were going to be meeting at a fairly traumatic funeral, so it made sense to meet him properly beforehand) which sent me off into a load of introspection - some quite positive but also a lot of pretty sad / negative stuff) and I realise that, after 3 1/2 years since agreeing to separate, I'd really not moved one very far at all.

The thing I've learned so far is that it's actually possible to discuss and process current problems and navigate a route through them (eg learning to steer self-criticism about how you dealt with events in the past into positive lessons that might / could influence future behaviour) whilst also considering deeper / more ingrained behaviours / issues that go back a long way.

I think I was slightly sceptical about how much I would get across per session - not from a value point of view, but because in my head there is a lot of stuff that needs addressing. But my experience so far is that it feels like we're just naturally covering quite a wide swathe. I imagine when particular subjects / significant historical periods are identified we might focus on them a bit more specifically.

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#31 Re: Therapy
March 30, 2023, 03:15:50 pm
Respect to everyone. The level of personal bravery and honesty on display is staggering. It takes real courage to face up and fess up - whether it's on a bulletin board or with a counsellor. As Yossarian says, there's a huge amount of self-awareness being shown which I can only personally aspire to. More power to everyone's elbows.

I like the analogy of seeing therapy as a bit like taking your mind to the gym. Most people generally don’t think twice about accessing a gym or talking about different workout routines or rehab exercises (this board has a lot of such threads). However, this isn't always the case when it's about accessing therapy or talking about mental health. Its changing - for the better imho - but it still seems that talking about our physical health doesn't have the same stigma attached to it as talking about our psychological health.

FWIW my experience has been that it's important to be able/learn to have some self-compassion. We're all flawed, we all fuck up, we all have regrets, we all feel guilt and/or shame and it's all too easy to get locked into a self-destructive emotional death spiral where we increasingly see ourselves as 'less than', shit, no good, stuck etc.

Self compassion, for me at least, has meant being open to my own struggles, not avoiding or disconnecting from them; but rather than wallowing in or being weighed down by them, trying to feel and do better with a little bit of kindness and trying to non-judgementally understand personal pain, inadequacies and failures as part of the larger human experience.

Like anything that's hard and worth doing, it's a work in progress...
« Last Edit: March 30, 2023, 03:28:04 pm by largeruk »

seankenny

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#32 Re: Therapy
March 30, 2023, 06:48:54 pm
I realise that, after 3 1/2 years since agreeing to separate, I'd really not moved one very far at all.


Brave post Yoss and I’m really pleased to hear you got started, it will soon be a habit, not always a comfortable one but a valuable one.

As for three and a half years and not moving on, please don’t beat yourself up. My mum had a really bruising marriage to and divorce from my dad, she totally didn’t have the tools to handle it due to a combination of growing up in the 50s with an emotionally distant mother, being in the first generation where divorce was common, and having her hands full with me and my brother. I’m pretty certain that she hadn’t really come to terms with it 35 or 40 years later, in fact the only thing that seemed to work for her was getting dementia - and really, that’s a tragedy. I’m sure you’ll end up in a better place than my mum and all the other people who get stuck in things for half a lifetime and more.

 

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