[Mr E S Capegoat]

I thought I’d start a climbing ‘problem page’ thread. Like a kind of agony aunt / trouble shooter column to help navigate the positive community and scene. Anyone can post a problem and we can all have a go at answering it. I’ve written my latest dilemma to get things started.

Dear Diedre

Please can you help me. I’m looking for a climbing partner who can offer genuine connection with another human being. All of the usual qualities apply, GSOH, able to follow verbal commands, own transport and rack desirable. Preferably the prospective partner must be able to communicate in less than vague terms on issues such as. What they might be up to on a Saturday at least 2-3 days in advance.
Qualities such as ‘hedging your bets’ ‘getting a belay / spot and paddage for your proj’ ‘scouring Facebook for any old fucker who aligns with your current GOALS’ ‘dumping you when a better opportunity comes along’ and all other forms of community spirit including ‘grade prospecting, soft touching, and getting the first of’ are potentially incongruent with placing the human being above the number. Deep inflexibility and incessant chatter about energy systems, training plans, seasonal long, medium and short term goals, broadening ones pyramid and whether sardines are inferior to mackerel etc is tolerable but not in the context of a 2 hour car drive then 3 hour belay at Malham or Kilnsey. Diedre! Can you help???

[tomtom]

Buy a road bike and a fuck ton of Lycra.

Peace. D-log.

[mrjonathanr]

I think Auntie Patta may have beaten you to it as tthe original Agony Aunt.

Quite where you’ll find someone who’ll match your criteria when you’ve outlined the archetypal profile of 90% of modern climbers will be interesting to hear.

[mark20]

Didn’t you enjoy our day out climbing?   

[Mr E S Capegoat]

Chortle, of course! It was ace. Looking forward to a few more hopefully ✌️💗. Fiend caught the raw end of my ‘bet hedging’ rant on Friday. Poor fellah. He even popped round today to give me a cuddle, metaphorically speaking 😬

[mark20]

Ok if I don’t have a better offer by Friday night I’ll let you know, and you can give me a belay on my proj 

[tomtom]

Buy a road bike and a fuck ton of Lycra.

Peace. D-log.

Sorry - was I meant to read the post? 😃

[Fiend]

TT - of course not

Scrapescroat - fancy The Tor next weekend?

[Mr E S Capegoat]

Let it all out guys, this is a safe space for your angst

[Oldmanmatt]

Let it all out guys, this is a safe space for your angst

Bollocks.

The only safe space for me to release my angst is somewhere in the Siberian tundra.
Last time that happened I was in a little B&B just outside Tunguska...

[Mr E S Capegoat]

Is that

‘Bollocks’ dear Diedre can I have help managing my angst?

[tomtom]

Bollocks.

The only safe space for me to release my angst is somewhere in the Siberian tundra.
Last time that happened I was in a little B&B just outside Tunguska...

Dear Matt - this is a sad tale. Clearly you need to buy a carbon fibre road bike and lots of lycra.

xDx

[webbo]

Dear Tom
What sort of sad fuck needs to buy a Carbon fibre road bike. Any normal person will already have at least two.
 

[tomtom]

Dear Tom
What sort of sad fuck needs to buy a Carbon fibre road bike. Any normal person will already have at least two.
 

I’m praying for you Webbo
:D

[Oldmanmatt]

Who buys a road bike?

[webbo]

Dear Tom
What sort of sad fuck needs to buy a Carbon fibre road bike. Any normal person will already have at least two.
 

I’m praying for you Webbo
:D

 
“Have you had a career change that you not mentioned, vicar.”

[Mr E S Capegoat]

Dear Diedre,

I recently got my first 7A and have been going for a 7B, however they have changed the purples at the wall and I can no longer get 7A?! How has this regression happened or are these kind of performance fluctuations normal? Should I go for a one to one specialist assessment with a movement guru or an longer term online package? I’ve heard some good stuff about energy systems?

[webbo]

Dear Dan
Have you change your day or time when you go to the wall. As gravity can fluctuate.
Also if you start believing that you need a performance coach you will feel heavier.

[mrjonathanr]

I think I received the following communication in error:

Dear Mr Capegoat,,

I think you may have spelling issues that we will need to resolve first.

As you will know I am French, and would thank you for spelling my name correctly.

Mademoiselle Dièdre.

[tomtom]

Binge spend on Wiggle. All will return to calm and serenity will envelop you

xDx

[Mr E S Capegoat]

Sorry it’s Deidre. My mistake

[mrjonathanr]

It’s Dièdre. Don’t back me into a corner

[Fiend]

Dear Deidré,

I find myself, in these dark yet imminently festive times, subject to a most perturbing haunting: I fear I am being visited by The Ghost Of Lattice Past. Whenever I try to train, I find myself set upon by this apparition - the frame of sinister diamond shapes, shimmering in my vision, and an eerie chanting and mumbling "an-cap....aero-pow....added weight....cycles....". Even in the misanthropic sanctuary of my home board, avoiding contact with all other climbers and their petty obsession with progressions and processes, I see a ghostly imprint of those damnable diamonds, and I can't tell if it's a shadow on my board or on my very soul. What is worse, as well as my training and limits plummeting to "trad punter" levels, this chilling spectre is so distracting and emasculating, that my libido has taken a nose-dive, and my wife, once so enthralled with my climbing manliness, is despairing at the cowed trembling wretch I have become. Please, do I need:

1. Exorcism.
2. Erectile dysfunction tablets.
3. Extreme Rock for Christmas.

Yours quiveringly,
Chad Deenmath.

[tomtom]

Dear Fiend.
Clearly due to over stimulation. Apply rhino tip juice to the affected area and wear boxing gloves in bed.

[Oldmanmatt]

Dear Fiend.
Clearly due to over stimulation. Apply rhino tip juice to the affected area and wear boxing gloves in bed.

What?
No Lycra?

[Mr E S Capegoat]

That chad guy sounds to messed up fiend. Irretrievably traumatised. I prescribe laps of flying buttress and Hargreaves original followed by CWP protocol videos for hours on end. If that doesn’t work just follow lettuce on Facebook and listen to Bennet’s rants.

[Mr E S Capegoat]

It’s Dièdre. Don’t back me into a corner

Dear Dolomitic limestone chimney