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Functional Patterns... (Read 4682 times)

Nibile

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Functional Patterns...
February 01, 2017, 11:21:04 am
At the ripe old age of 45, having done some sort of structured sports and training since the age of four, I thought I'd seen it all.
I thought.
Functional Patterns appears to be the latest trend on the market. And while its inventor is probably a marketing genius with a collection of Ferraris, the system in itself resembles some sort of LSD induced activity with the added bonus of getting seriously hurt.
This video made me want to buy a Stealth bomber and carpet bomb every Functional Patterns gym in the World.

petejh

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#1 Re: Functional Patterns...
February 01, 2017, 01:40:41 pm

Ah ha! But to be able to afford a stealth bomber you'd need to own a Functional Patterns gym. Ain't life a bitch..

petejh

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#2 Re: Functional Patterns...
February 01, 2017, 01:51:56 pm
... the system in itself resembles some sort of LSD induced activity with the added bonus of getting seriously hurt.

In all seriousness, the system could easily be replicated by going out and doing some half-gnarly winter climbing somewhere with a long approach; bolting new sport routes on very steep cliffs; and then having a fight down the pub. It's just an attempt to cash in by giving stupid city-types the chance to do what climbers can achieve for a few fuck-alls.

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#3 Re: Functional Patterns...
February 01, 2017, 02:31:16 pm
lots of twirling going on there.

Reminds me of this

Nibile

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#4 Re: Functional Patterns...
February 01, 2017, 02:49:57 pm

Ah ha! But to be able to afford a stealth bomber you'd need to own a Functional Patterns gym. Ain't life a bitch..
Ain't life a bitch.

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#5 Re: Functional Patterns...
February 01, 2017, 03:00:20 pm
I've got to say, in many ways it looks like the old style Navy PT sessions. We did lots of stylised club swinging, rope climbing, loads of Medicine ball stuff etc. A lot of it was based around Cutlass fighting and 18th century boarding techniques. It was phased out in the late 80's but I was on a display team at HMS Sultan and got to learn a lot of it. That and Field gun, also a fucking tough, but fun way to get strong (I ran on the Brickwoods team, a lighter version of the full Royal tournament affair).
So,to a limited extent, I can see what he's getting at. But, on balance, Pete's right; yuppie fodder.




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Will Hunt

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#6 Re: Functional Patterns...
February 01, 2017, 03:01:09 pm
It's got a strong jihadi training camp video vibe to it. It would make a nice recruitment video for all the new alt-right neo-Nazi paramilitaries that we can look forward to seeing in the near future.

The gym and the logo look like part of the set of a film about a dystopian totalitarian future.

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#7 Re: Functional Patterns...
February 01, 2017, 03:15:20 pm
Hehehe, reminded me of those "gym fail" videos.


If you do anything with the right intensity etcetera , one can get stronger
 But functional patterns? If you intend to punch people wile jumping on a bouncyball while swinging a kettle bell, sure..

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#8 Re: Functional Patterns...
February 01, 2017, 04:07:18 pm
I'll put this up for Nibs, since he might not have seen it before. One of the daftest sports ever invented. The black arm bands are because the Admiralty had decreed the number of injuries and even deaths that occurred during training for this, justified stopping it entirely. Pah! Clearly 18th century artillery exercises were vital for the modern RN!




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Nibile

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#9 Re: Functional Patterns...
February 01, 2017, 04:15:38 pm
Ahaha that was brilliant even if I didn't understand what was going on at any moment!
Still better than Functional Patterns though.
At least you can shoot the cannon at the end.

Johnny Brown

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#10 Re: Functional Patterns...
February 01, 2017, 07:32:24 pm
I used to do a bit of teaching at HMS Raleigh, and the senior rate tasked with looking after me had been on the Field gun team. He lost his little finger and the corresponding part of his hand back to the wrist. Of course he complained bitterly about the pansies who'd stopped the competition.

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#11 Re: Functional Patterns...
February 01, 2017, 09:32:00 pm
The original post looks like a yuppie version of traditional persian weight lifting



https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pahlevani_and_zoorkhaneh_rituals

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#12 Re: Functional Patterns...
February 02, 2017, 06:20:22 am
resembles some sort of LSD induced activity

Doesn't look like any trip I've ever been on.

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#13 Re: Functional Patterns...
February 02, 2017, 08:25:23 am
 :lol:

It was the jumping around while waving kettlebells that got me.

 

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