[Sloper]

Right, so I promised not to post ce soir, but fuck it.

Christmas cvntery.

1. Jumpers, you're a twat, it's not cool or ironic and certainly not a conversation starter with strangers in pubs.  fuck off.

2. Reindeer horn accessories on cars. If you're old enough to drive you know you look like a cvnt.

3. Videos of your child's nativity/carol concert/recorder orchestra at school, save it for the in-laws, playing it in public is not on, not now, not ever.

4. Musical cards, gross misconduct disciplinary, ditto ties, or a reasonable cause for violence at least.
<message ends>

[tomtom]

Here's a selfie of me and a bust of ol' Prince Phil to add to your list

[Oldmanmatt]

A Christmas tree and an Elf, hanging from a light fitting in a pair of Women's knickers?

[Oldmanmatt]

Penguins?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/topics/christmas/11294083/John-Lewis-Christmas-advert-spoof-features-Royal-Navy-penguin.html

[Sloper]

What you do in your own home is a matter for you, it is public twattery that's so offensive.

[lagerstarfish]

are you not getting enough sex, Sloper?

[Sloper]

My week thus far has been like and Obs & Gyne chap, but in answer to your question; no.

[Jaspersharpe]

Must admit I saw a hipster while driving through town the other day who was sporting the standard beard and quiff but also an ironic Christmas jumper with massive tree on the front and it was basically just the thought of scraping my alloys that dissuaded me from mounting the pavement and wiping the cunt out.

[tomtom]

Must admit I saw a hipster while driving through town the other day who was sporting the standard beard and quiff but also an ironic Christmas jumper with massive tree on the front and it was basically just the thought of scraping my alloys that dissuaded me from mounting the pavement and wiping the cunt out.

You might have spilled your double espresso too.. good job you didn't..

[Fiend]

Must admit I saw a hipster while driving through town the other day who was sporting the standard beard and quiff but also an ironic Christmas jumper with massive tree on the front and it was basically just the thought of scraping my alloys that dissuaded me from mounting the pavement and wiping the cunt out.

You might have spilled your double espresso organic triple ginger machaccino with extra soy milk too.. good job you didn't..

[Sloper]

Must admit I saw a hipster while driving through town the other day who was sporting the standard beard and quiff but also an ironic Christmas jumper with massive tree on the front and it was basically just the thought of scraping my alloys that dissuaded me from mounting the pavement and wiping the cunt out.

yes, my post work boozer has been full of these cvnts for a week or two now with their affected prole accents and five minute decision making as to what they're going to drink followed by a tortured conundrum as to how to pay for it.

[danm]

Just go postal on them Sloper, the world needs rid of such vermin and I reckon you're just the chap to do it. If you get caught I know a decent brief who can represent you.

[lagerstarfish]

My week thus far has been like and Obs & Gyne chap, but in answer to your question; no.

I've been trying to manage my situation as best I can

At this time of year the mistresses get competitive - all trying to become my "favourite" (I don't have favourites). It almost wears me out

I'm careful to spend the same amount on Christmas gifts for each of them and I followed Jasper's advice on making sure I get a significantly different piece of jewelry for each of them

I don't think it helps when I wander around whistling "It'll be lonely this Christmas"

I might suggest they meet up without me if they're that bothered about being alone

anyway, enough willy waving - I'm off to get some more mistletoe for the work party

[Sloper]

Just go postal on them Sloper, the world needs rid of such vermin and I reckon you're just the chap to do it. If you get caught I know a decent brief who can represent you.

I've been close in the past.  Most of the good criminal hacks I know would be conflicted in defending me.

[JamieG]

What a miserable bunch you are! 

I personally like the jumpers and reindeer antlers on cars. If you are going to moan about anything at this time of year, please let it be the quality of music you are forced to endure every time you leave the house. Even our lord and savior Bob Dylan is not immune. The first time I heard this I thought it was a joke! Alas no!

[Dolly]

You might have spilled your double espresso organic triple ginger machaccino with extra soy milk too.. good job you didn't..

Oooh that sounds nice - where do you get those from ?

[Fiend]

Ask Sloper, I hear it's his standard pick-me-up after a night on the port and goose livers.

[petejh]

Must admit I saw a hipster while driving through town the other day who was sporting the standard beard and quiff but also an ironic Christmas jumper with massive tree on the front and it was basically just the thought of scraping my alloys that dissuaded me from mounting the pavement and wiping the cunt out.

Can you write-off your damaged alloys against tax?

[Jaspersharpe]

It's generally not tax effective to bring a vehicle into the company these days as the tax benefit of capital allowances on cars has been seriously eroded, benefits in kind are high and the mileage route is almost always more efficient in tax savings and procedure.

No.

[Will Hunt]

This thread has made me merry. Thank you Jolly St Sloper.

Who's your favourite Scrooge? I'll not waste my time with anyone but Michael Caine or Patrick Stewart.

[Jaspersharpe]

Caine. Muppet Christmas Carol is the definitive version.

[Oldmanmatt]

Caine. Muppet Christmas Carol is the definitive version.

+1 with Baubles on.

Surely exactly as the great Dickens envisioned the tale.

Especially the bit where the rat gets knocked off the window ledge.
True pathos.

[fatdoc]

Loving this thread.

Seasons fucking greetings....

Btw what is a hipster and how on earth do you order a coffee these days???

Like, you know.. A cafe au lait... No skinny, added flavours... Whatever. It's just a mind fuck.

Only surpassed by my one and only foray into a sandwich shop.. Subway.

No feckin idea what or how I ordered the produce.. Or indeed what it was.

It's all madness i tell you..

[GraemeA]

Weren't you were a hipster 25 years ago 

[Sloper]

Me or Fatdoc?

Fatdoc you order coffee in one of the three following ways:

1. Before 9 am. A cappucino please.
2. Before 12:00 A caffe latte please.
3. After 1:00 An espresso or double espresso please.

[Jaspersharpe]

Subway is total shit so I wouldn't worry about working out how to order it.

[tomtom]

Wtf?

Coffee should always be black. Espresso if medicinal, lungo/Americano if more volume is required.

Pastry with espresso.
Bacon sarnie with any other sort of warm beverage.

Subway all smell the same. Odd.

[Will Hunt]

Fatdoc you order coffee in one of the three following ways:

1. Before 9 am. A cappucino please.
2. Before 12:00 A caffe latte please.
3. After 1:00 An espresso or double espresso please.

Presumably between the hours of noon and 1 the only acceptable drink is a glass of Dom Pérignon, as any gentleman knows.

[Sloper]

No, between those hours a gentleman drinks Oolong, Darjeeling or some other fine tea.

[fatdoc]

Ok..

No further insight on this hipster thing.

I only drink black coffee, unless in france.. Where I know what I'm doing.

Thanks for the subway confirmation... That helps.

I'll just get me coat...

[petejh]

Subway all smell the same. Odd.

Of tramp's piss?

[tomtom]

Subway all smell the same. Odd.

Of tramp's piss?

Freshly baked tramps piss

[Oldmanmatt]

Wtf?

Coffee should always be black. Espresso if medicinal, lungo/Americano if more volume is required.

Pastry with espresso.
Bacon sarnie with any other sort of warm beverage.

Subway all smell the same. Odd.

This is totally incorrect.

When more volume is required, the correct form of request is " May I have a Double Espresso, please my good Barista, with a Double Espresso on the side and a Double Espresso chaser".
Followed by "Again, please, good sir/madam".

[tomtom]

I turn into a gibbering wreck by your second option

[Fiend]

This is totally incorrect.

When more volume is required, the correct form of request is " May I have a Double Espresso, please my good Barista, with a Double Espresso on the side and a Double Espresso chaser".
Followed by "Again, please, good sir/madam".

I've turned into a gibbering wreck just reading that 

Double macchiacino all the way for me.

[lagerstarfish]

. Subway.

No feckin idea what or how I ordered the produce.. Or indeed what it was.

the 14 yr old and her friends like Subway for some reason and occasionally I meet them there for in my lunch break during the school holidays

I, like Fatdoc, have no idea how the ordering system works. I take a huge amount of delight in over-acting this - making sure to be in front of the kids. I'm developing the character along the lines of Mr Bean and Basil Fawlty

[Will Hunt]

That's your next vimeo, lagers.

[tomtom]

That's your next vimeo, lagers.

Isn't it about time he came up with a new theme/character for his videos?

[GraemeA]

That's your next vimeo, lagers.

Isn't it about time he came up with a new theme/character for his videos?

Jason Statham crossed with the Dali Lama perhaps?

[lagerstarfish]

David Dickinson crossed with Brian Cox to talk you through badly thought out sandbag sequences of the 20th Century

[tomtom]

David Dickinson crossed with Brian Cox to talk you through badly thought out sandbag sequences of the 20th Century

Perfect. Iirc there's an physicist or two on this forum - so all we need is someone with an ott fake tan.... •drums fingers in table•

[lagerstarfish]

I keep misreading the thread title as "whorehouses"

[lagerstarfish]

3 mince pies for breakfast this morning 

[tomtom]

Good effort. I've already been shouted at for the boiler pressure being too low and to poach some eggs sharpish.

Is it too early to start drinking?

[nai]

It's December and the date begins with a 2, isn't it pretty much round-the-clock drinking from now until January.

[Will Hunt]

I'm on the train back from Leeds (10.26 to Skipton). I arrived in town at 09.28. In the intervening time I have completed all the Christmas shopping I had to do. BOOM! It's all in the planning.

[Oldmanmatt]

Damn! Xmas shopping ruined by a run in with a bunch of hairy faced, coffee swilling, Hipsters....

[Will Hunt]

 
Nice photo Matt

[Joepicalli]

That's your next vimeo, lagers.

Isn't it about time he came up with a new theme/character for his videos?

Jason Statham crossed with the Dali Lama perhaps?

I think Steven Segal has already done that.
I've always seen Lagers as a strong Buddha

[lagerstarfish]

"I thought I could smell chips"

[tomtom]

Glad you shaved.

[Joepicalli]

"I thought I could smell chips"

Oh God! My eyes, my eyes.

[Oldmanmatt]

Glad you shaved.

More like waxed.









Or possibly "Greased"....

[tomtom]

Charles Bronson (the max security lifer not movie star) greased himself up with loads of butter before 'setting to' a group of prison guards so he was harder to catch. Quite effective apparently...