its like the most important piece of soft pr0n for gritstone climbers!
I had a great plan for more high-brow pr0n.....
I have now solved the probelm by crushing it with a lump hammer.
bugger
I was just writing my application for a grant from The Performing Arts Council.
I was proposing a docu-opera featuring the flake in different circumstances - all explained with appropriate operatic performance.
Dunney would appear first as an Arthurian hero pulling the stone from a pile of guidebooks and using it to slay his climbing contemporaries and critics.
Dawes is seen to be romantically involved with the flake from before the triumph of King Dunne. It is also revealed that Dawes' unusual relationship with the flake has become widely known among the people of the kingdom; and whilst they don't quite understand the nature of this possibly perverse relationship, the people somehow see Dawes' involvement as more loving than King Dunne's slightly exploitative stance. (Dawes is to portrayed as a bit of a mix of Lancelot and Albrecht The Dwarf).
King Dunne finds himself staggering across the road from The Broadfield in the pissing rain with the
albatross flake hanging from a rope around his neck. He throws the flake to the floor only to find a crowd of villagers throwing smaller flakes at him. Foto the elf tries to protect the king, but the king has had enough - he uses one of the stoning missiles to cut off his own tongue and another two to block his ears.
Dawes asks the flake if it fancies a threesome with some piece of slate that he has just met.
Time passes and the kingdom moves on. It does in fact become a republic.
An elegant man strides onto the stage. Although he is a citizen of the republic, he has the air and grace of a man noble-born. The hint of royalty is exaggerated by the presence of an Irish word-smith; who subtly allows the audience to see him as both a court jester and modern day journalist.
This out-of-his-time knight is labelled Sir Seb by the expensive laser display.
Sir Seb proceeds to try and seduce the flake with his frequent caresses and heartfelt words. (romantic lighting, music etc)
The sight of Dawes in the background leaves the audience wondering whether Sir Seb can tempt Princess Flake away from the dark, satanic and obviously sexually fulfilling situation that she has been in for some time.
The word-smith starts his song as Sir Seb ties a rope to himself in an attempt to show the princess his dark side.
The brave knight commits himself to the full S&M experience without even establishing a safety word.
He is out of his depth.
She is in full control.
He can't satisfy her.
Because he is the best company she has had in years, she let's him have another chance.
The word-smith explains to the audience that a good relationship is built on more than just physical interaction. The people of the republic go to the bar for more drinks
Although the knight and the princess have both had a good time, they don't stay together. He goes off to slay dragons and she stays where she is... for a while...
There are a few more scenes where the princess gets some instant satisfaction.
In the end the princess sacrifices herself for the sake of a visiting explorer from The New World, but there's no point writing any more because some twunt has powdered the main star.
oh well
