[comPiler]

BIFF!
2 February 2015, 10:09 am

It's clear to even the most casual observer of our sport that footwork ruins climbing.

Whatever type of climbing you do, from alpine gnarl fests to Lancashire lowball grovel-problems, we're all just big kids farting about. With that in mind, go watch kids at play; swinging about on the monkey bars, signalling their glee with that mixture of laughter and high pitch shrieking unique to the under nines. You see how much fun they're having? You see them using their feet? Exactly.

Those nice chaps at beastmaker understand this. Which is why they organised the BIFF; the beastmaker international footless festival. The strongest climbers from all around were invited to take part in an evening devoted to the subtle art of campusing. With the climbing works playing hosts and the money raised being donated to CAC it was always going to be the comp event of the year.

As one of the elder statesmen of footless showboating I was both flattered and pleased to receive my invite, and immediately undertook a gruelling training schedule of 50m vertical Spanish stamina plods as preparation. All of which prepared me perfectly for last night's mayhem.

The format was thus; there were 15 footless problems to sink your teeth into, and you scored 30 points for a clean ascent, regardless of how many goes you took. For the true thugs, who were overwhelmed by the technical nature of actual climbing, there were also a series of foot-free challenges, including a pull up contest, a dead hanging sufferfest and a baggy hand crack. Quite rightly, success on these pure feats of strength could win you quite a few points. I fared poorly on the powerful problems (see below), but my honour was saved by the crack, which allowed me to put my fleshy spade-hands to good use. I was less impressive on the minuscule slopey dead hang edge; collapsing after 30s in awe of the steel fingered mutants (Davies and Barrans) who stayed on for around a minute!

What a night! Everyone was there: we had the original pocket power midgets Roddy Mackenzie and Ru Davies, and their modern equivalent Dave Barrans. Sam Whitaker had chosen a tasteful yellow vest to properly display the biggest guns in showbiz. Dave Mason was not to be outdone with his shiny gold pants - a look that Jerry would have been proud of. Pleasingly, there were plenty of women present too; notably including world champion Jule Wurm and Michaela "strong as fuck" Tracy. The evening also introduced me to Louis Parkinson - eventual winner and genuine mutant. I have seen the future, and it has no feet.

Throughout the night there was plenty of liquid refreshment to be had, and the commentary/barracking from Percy Bishton and Martin "king of the wave" Smith kept anyone from taking things too seriously. The anarchic atmosphere was helped by the fact that bonus points (in the form of colorful stickers) were being handed out by the judges for any reason that took their fancy. This was a brilliant idea, though I was not really helped by the two stickers that ended up covering both lenses of my glasses.

The end of the night saw the grand finale, with the best deadhangers invited to take part in a highball deadhang duel to the death. This was a contest which saw some astonishing displays of savagery from people I'd previously considered to be fine, upstanding citizens. The event was "won" by Dave and Michaela, but also notable was Tom Newman's brutal roundhouse kick to the chest of a barely prepared Ru Davies. Expect a court summons in the post soon, Tom.



Source: The Spherical Cow

[Fiend]

 

[Nibile]

 

[rodma]

BIFF!
pocket power midgets

 

[Luke Owens]

I have seen the future, and it has no feet.

Genius 

[rodma]

Best fun I've had at a comp that, but "climbing problems footless" is another thing to add to the list of stuff that i am bad at. As usual a poor performance has made me really keen to train 

[Stu Littlefair]

It was ace, wasn't it Roddie?

BTW - the videos embedded in the post don't seem to show on UKB, so click through if you want to see Ru get what's coming to him

[Paul B]

It was ace, wasn't it Roddie?

Did you survive uninjured Stu?

I've got some great footage from way back when (April the 5th some year) when BoulderUK opened of Roddy locking his way up what were then quite new French Rock blobs, not only holding a conversation but chewing gum simultaneously. Also in this video is Malc getting somewhat confused by a problem that Pete Hurley cruises and Gaz grunting his way up a problem facing outwards...

[Stu Littlefair]

It might have actually helped clear some minor gripes up.

Be good to see that video. There's not enough footage of Roddie in his prime and in full flow...

[rodma]

It was ace, wasn't it Roddie?

BTW - the videos embedded in the post don't seem to show on UKB, so click through if you want to see Ru get what's coming to him

also fun to find out that you had a heavier paper round than i had imagined     

i just clicked through to see the videos. i think the one of you swinging off the balls is better   

i am only just starting to hurt today, expecting full DOMS tomorrow.

I've got some great footage from way back when (April the 5th some year) when BoulderUK opened of Roddy locking his way up what were then quite new French Rock blobs, not only holding a conversation but chewing gum simultaneously. Also in this video is Malc getting somewhat confused by a problem that Pete Hurley cruises and Gaz grunting his way up a problem facing outwards...

sounds like solid gold that footage 

[Nibile]

Post it!

[Nibile]

I would also like to know the specs of the slopey edge used for the deadhang comp, in order to replicate it.

[Fiend]

LOL, classic Nibble there

[Teaboy]

Ru's lack of street fighting apprenticeship certainly showed there. 

I would also like to know the specs of the slopey edge used for the deadhang comp, in order to replicate it.

I'm surprised at you being so slap dash about this Nibile, surely you also need relative humidity and temp reports as well in order to compare?

[Nibile]

My friend. I do have a thermometer AND a hygrometer in the room where I train. The question is: did The Works monitor temp and humidity? I bet they didn't.
It's just like asking a lady her age. The safest option is not asking.
 

Well put, by the way, made me LOL.

[rodma]

I would also like to know the specs of the slopey edge used for the deadhang comp, in order to replicate it.

I think (someone check please) it was approx 6mm thick strip of wood which had a 6mm radius on it, so had no horizontal surface on the top at all. it was really long though, so you could have your hands wide enough apart that your thumbs were on top whilst crimping. thumbs underneath were not allowed.  it was purchased from BandQ

it was really ayah and quite ouchy to try and hold. i was rubbish on it.

[Fiend]

Resting jug!

Sounds errrr.....I can't wait for the Nibile video, do they have B&Q in Italy?

[Stu Littlefair]

Thumbs on top? Disgusting.

[Johnny Brown]

Your Dad isn't swiss is he Nibs?

[rodma]

Thumbs on top? Disgusting.

Maybe that's where I went wrong.

My index finger didn't like my thumb riding on it, so I put my tomb on the wood instead. I'm not really a crimper.

[webbo]

Thumbs on top? Disgusting.

Maybe that's where I went wrong.

My index finger didn't like my thumb riding on it, so I put my tomb on the wood instead. I'm not really a crimper.

That sounds a bit grave.

[Nibile]

Bleedin' bivy ledges!
Hmmm... That sounds a bit tricky to be honest... The slopey edge seems very challenging.
Will figure out something anyway, although I have no idea about how to carve a 6 mm radius on the edge.
Maybe filling in the lower rungs of a BM with some cardboard to make them 6 mm deep? 

[rodma]

That sounds a bit grave.

I'm not that old

[rodma]

Bleedin' bivy ledges!
Hmmm... That sounds a bit tricky to be honest... The slopey edge seems very challenging.
Will figure out something anyway, although I have no idea about how to carve a 6 mm radius on the edge.
Maybe filling in the lower rungs of a BM with some cardboard to make them 6 mm deep? 

Maybe you could ask Ned or Dan (or graeme of there's still a bit at the works ) to post you an offcut :D

[Nibile]

No way. I'm still waiting for my replica of hold n.9 of Pinches Wall.